OctoberSunshine

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Sadandalone,

Gaslighting can chip away at your confidence slowly and question your reality.

Sometimes abusers can switch the story. so say you said xyz was the story they will say zyx was the story and that your version doesn’t make any sense because ofcourse z happened before y only for x to come later. Even though you know it didn’t, and you are confident it didn’t their version of the story is purposely set up to make you the perpertrator or the key antagonist. So then all you’re trying to do is to get them to take some accountability for their behaviour only for you to end up apologising.

I hope this makes sense

OctoberSunshine

 

 

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Drainedallthetime,

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.

I can understand the feeling of you feeling at peace when he’s not in the house.

I can see that you are thinking about the worries you have for leaving. But writing down (in a safe space ofcourse) all the positives to come when you leave. All the things you look forward to doing, in peace, all the little things you could say without worrying , what the ultimate positive outcome would be for you, all the things you could do with your spare time, all the freedoms it could give you and the positives it would bring for the Children. Maybe this might help you make some positive steps towards creating that environment you deserve for you and your children.

Although they may miss their father initially, would there be a chance in the future,  that they could see, all you ever wanted to create was a healthy and safe environment for you all?

It is of course not your fault that he cannot regulate himself. It sounds like he tried to show you a version of himself  you wanted him to be, only to ultimately revert back to his default mode.

I hope you have the love, friendship and support from those around you, sending you strength.

OctoberSunshine

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi survivorandproud,

Maybe in the first instance try and ask yourself whether you think this person’s behaviour is healthy?

Only because for me I found it a lot harder to label things as abuse when I was in it.

It sounds like you’re doing a lot to meet his needs, but he isn’t very good at meeting your’s. Even when you express some of your feelings, he is quick to silence them, by acting irrationaly.

Where he passing off name-calling as banter, this paves a way to cross your boundaries more and more. When you warn him off, he resorts to saying that you are unable to take a joke. This behaviour is manipulitive and considers to be gaslighting.

Where you said that “you like to keep people happy” and “do whatever he wants to do” as much as this is, what you believe to be a positive quality, it is also the exact quality that is attractive to a person who’s only interest is themselves. It probably also applies to the part where you mentioned that “he wants you when he wants you” this indicates that he only wants you on his terms.

In the part where you said he has trouble hugging you in bed, it could indicate that you may be stepping on eggshells around his problems with intimacy.

It is important in any relationship to remain true to yourself, it does sound like your struggling to be yourself and express your frustrations to work out a feasible solution or compromise, without him either discarding you completely, or verbally attacking you.

If this treatment is happening (detail removed by Moderator) months into the relationship, it is very unlikely it will get better.

Finally just because you have been through worse, doesn’t make the treatment you are recieving here, is any better. Your time, energy and love are better spent invested in someone who would truly appreciate you and fully embrace you as a person as you would them.

As much as it is difficult, it’s probably best to go no-contact and pull the plug earlier on, than to be in it for too long and impact your mental health any further.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Sunsetluv,

Having a read of that last paragraph specifically rings a bell for me. My abuser also had an abusive father, but he wouldn’t admit he was turning into him.

Although he disliked his father, looking back, I also think he admired his primitive ways towards women. My abuser was also in denial about his own true nature, despite being unhinged. He would never admit to any wrongdoings, no matter how much evidence you give, no matter how many people you have on your side, and no matter how hard you plead with him. He would never admit he was the problem.

I sacrificed a lot of my time, energy, space, and general well-being to make room for his controlling behaviour and outbursts. But all the efforts would be disregarded and for him it became an expectation for me to be a punchbag in everyway and for me to regulate his emotions for him.

There were also issues (similar to yours) with how I dressed,wore make up and spoke to men. It is now obvious to me there were major insecurities and extremely controlling behaviours. He would say I was doing it all for attention. Although I tried my best to ignore these comment, I did feel very judged and shamed for how I presented myself.

I know now that it was never my responsibility to manage my abuser’s feelings for him, including his inability to control his anger or his insecurities. It is unlikely that these people ever get better due to the lack of empathy they have towards you and their inability to admit to their problems and seek professional help if that is what is needed.

The hardest thing I found was leaving, as he made me feel like I was abandoning him, almost as if I hadn’t done enough. I felt guilty for it.

But once I did leave I actually took time to look after myself for once, and focus on my well-being, and that opened up a whole new lease of life. And it was easier than I thought.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi HeidiHi,

I can understand your feelings as I was also in a similar situation, and stuck in a horrendous cycle. One day I snapped, decided to leave and never look back. It took some time to fully heal from the mental trauma, and now the mwmories just pass by.

I also struggled with the thought of the abuser being able to escape responsibility or consequence for their actions. I think firstly I needed to understand that the abuser is truly an unhappy person who will continue to pollute people around them with their toxic behaviours, and because of their lack of accountability they will never learn or better themselves and never experience life in the emotionally rich way I would.

It took a lot of time and some counselling to get to this point. I also adjusted the focus out of the abuser and shine some much needed light on to myself again and how this all occured and what I learnt about myself from the experience. I am a bit of a people pleaser and I am working on ways to stand my ground a little more in small ways.

Accepting the term “Survivor” was also difficult for me as I believed others had it worse. But once I got there it became easier to embrace it and be grateful for the new lease of life I created for myself.

Take some time to show yourself some love and compassion that you’ve always deserved.

Hope this helps.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Fairyliquid,

I’m so sorry about how you are feeling. I agree with HFH, it may be worth reaching out to your GP and reach out to Women’s Aid as well.

I believe the financial security, your ex partner shows is to maintain the image, they want you and everyone else to see. This image is displayed as superior and used in exchange for your time, energy, financial security, and ultimately your emotional, mental, and even physical well being.

A healthy partner would respect your wishes if you didn’t want to engage in sexual practices and would try and be patient especially if you were feeling uncomfortable. It’s not for you to soothe their ego when they don’t get their way. It sounds like they’re trying to manipulate you, and trying to claim they feel worthless, when you turn them down and then play the victim.

Although it is difficult to comprehend why their friends deem their actions to be justifiable, they are probably putting up a performance that have their friends convinced that it is. They have selected friends that enable their behaviour. It’s important to have faith in yourself, and move forward with conviction.

I can see from the tone of your message that you want to meet their needs, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own needs in order to do so. It isn’t selfish to finally be able to put yourself first.

Like HFH says they will keep moving the goalpost, keep you in a confused state, and deflect poor behaviour back on to you.

Stay strong, I hope every thing works out for you

Best wishes
OctoberSunshine

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Reborn,

I have read some posts on here that suggest that processing the grief in your own way is key to moving forward.

I think the death of an abuser can bring up a wave of conflicting emotions that can feel overwhelming, It might be beneficial to try and address your emotions and more importantly validate them. Which can be incredibly difficult when the people who knew him directly were not subjected to the same abuse and torture you were. So I think you need to be selective about who you share your thoughts with, (it sounds like you are already are aware of this).

A therapist specialising in trauma and grief may be able to process some of the feelings that have come up.

There are more personal ways that can work well depending on the individual, say; writing a letter to the abuser (of anything you wanted to say) and burning it or keeping it, visiting a place that was significant for you and saying a few words, poetry, art etc. Anything that you think will help you make peace with yourself.

Hope this helps
OctoberSunshine

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Smwhyle,

Sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you suffered horrendous abuse at the hands of someone that was supposed to be your care giver.

I’ve read your post, and it looks the additional charges might fall under Coercive Control (Section 76 SCA 2015) have a look at the CPS website for further information. I would speak to Citizens Advice Bureau, and use the Women’s Aid Chat to see if they can advise further.

I believe the conviction rate is low in relation to this specific charge, as it needs to be proven that the perpertrator continuously engaged in behaviour that is controlling or coercive.

Have a think about what you can provide as evidence, witnesses to the abuse and someone who would be willing to provide a statement, family members, neighbours. Check phone and see if there are any messages from your father that could be seen as controlling/coercive/abusive, do you keep a diary? did you ever message/ voice message any of your friends/family about the abuse.

Hope this helps
OctoberSunshine

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Sogo1234,

It all sounds very confusing for you.

It sounds like he is blame-shifting, and projecting his own guilt on to you- this is probably so he can relieve himself of any accountability for his actions.

By the sounds of it, he may be creating arguments by forcing you into the perpertrator role when you’re unable to fix the problems of the relationship, some of which he has caused . Meanwhile he is painting himself as the victim and not attempting to offer a solution apart from to retreat, or force you to accept everything he needs and stating that you’re ‘difficult to love’. Which means giving up your all your needs and accepting that your love and affection will never be reciprocated.

You’re allowed to feel untrusting of him, if that’s how you feel, it’s not for him to tell you how to feel. It sounds like you have good reason too.

If it eases your anxiety, for him to have less nights out. Then it is important to find a solution together and reach a compromise. Without limiting each others wants and needs as a whole. Name calling, and using your previous vulnerabilities against you is further damaging to your trust and safety in the relationship.

Laughing at you when you cry, is a big red flag. It’s incredibly hurtful and demeaning, it shows that he has no empathy for you or your feelings.

On the other hand, you’re feeling everything on his behalf, guilt, you’re empathising with him, trying to offer solutions rationally and being emotionally vulnerable- that doesn’t strike me as ‘psycho’, or ‘ ‘narc’ behaviour.

The last part of your message, regarding trying to change yourself so there will be less arguments- it’s a big hope to have, and probably one that might not have an impact on his overall behaviour. It seems like the way he acts is intrinsical to his personality.

I think the question is to ask yourself honestly whethere it is whether it is sustainable?

If you both think there is reason to stay in the relationship, is it worth seeking out a relationship counsellor?

OS

[OctoberSunshine]

Apologies not nice to know the similarities in experiences*- I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But definitely a relief that my feelings are validated.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hiya JessicaJones,

I can resonate with everything your saying. My situation is a little similar, I’ve moved on, started a family- my relationship with the abuser was long ago but I do worry where his behaviour was so unpredictable especially when I am in certain locations, or if i’m with my children in certain locations. He is an opportunist, so I fear that he may do something in public to embarass me or even just go into a rage.

I must admit I have also looked on his social media profile purely to assess how dangerous he is, in the hope that he might be preoccupied with a new supply. No information at all, but I did some digging and found that there was some changes in his life that may have further effected his mental stability.

I AlSO do the checking news thing, and local news- I thought it was just me. His behaviour was so volatile, and lacked any emotional regulation.

If I see him anywhere in public I know to just get as far away of him as quickly and safetly as possible. If not locate a security guard, or phone the police. And remain under CCTV if possible. I saw somewhere about someone suggesting even taking our your own phone and filming if they try anything- not sure about this as it might end up aggrivating them further- but thought I would share in case it was useful at all. I know if you are approached or spoke to you can say loudly and clearly “please leave me alone” loud enough to alert attention if it carries on “please can someone help me, this person is harassing me” at least initially before calling the police. I’d say for me, having an action plan helped ease my anxiety.

Having said that, with my situation, he is equally concerned about getting that external validation (strangers paricularly). Although the mask does slip from time to time, his need for stranger validity is higher.

My facebook profile is not hidden, and I haven’t blocked him. For me I don’t see why I should hide from him, or limit myself because I care about him or what he thinks. I do from time to time worry about the risks, so I can understand- but I try and focus on the fact that there has been no contact.

Essentially now I have just accepted that the likely chance that I will bump into him are slim and if I do I have my action plan.

It is nice to know that there are similarities in the experience for sure.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi RobinLava,

One of the things I found was that mutual friends could not exist in the context of an abusive relationship. Essentially the people that are friends with the perpertrator, enable his behaviour or are already convinced by his version of events. Abuser’s often paint themselves as the victim, and are always one step ahead of you, they are likely to say that you have acted melodramtically and that you are ‘out to get them’- especially if the abuser feels that you could do damage to the image they’ve worked hard in creating. They can use these mutual friends to hurt you through them, and can be extensions of the perpertrator themselves.

However it doesn’t matter what they think, you were the one in the relationship and you know the truth, trust and have faith in yourself. It can be extremely difficult when you experience situations where you feel you are not believed.

When you walked away you took a brave step, and now you have the right to focus on yourself reverse some of the damage he has done to your self esteem. There is plenty of time and space now to make new friends seperate to the life you had with your abuser.

It looks like your parents are rightfully upset after seeing a loved one hurt and injured. In terms of the legal side, it can be a lengthy and rigorous process, and can re-triggering for victims. Having said that, if feel you want the justice you deserve and have enough to show that the perpetrator is guilty beyond reasonable doubt it is up to you to weigh out which route you want to take.

Additionally sharing any information with the above mentioned mutual friends can be a detriment to your case. Try and seek out the appropriate legal channels and advise first off before you make a decision.

I hope this helps

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Darkclouds321,

I see that your confused and hurt. Try and look back at all the times attacks have happened before, and how it happened now. The chances, are you know it will happen again.

You shouldn’t feel like you betrayed him, when in truth he betrayed you, by falsely letting you believe in what was supposed to be a loving relationship. He lost the privilege of you in his life when he raised his hand at you.

Seek out the help you need DV support, friends, family. Use your new found freedom and bring back the true you- before all this.

Remember how courageous, brave and strong you are for leaving. Keep going.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Jessicajones,

I’m sorry to hear that the police were not helpful to you. I am so shocked that this sort of thing is not treated with the sensitivity and protection the survivors deserve. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of recovering, you should be proud of yourself.

I think with social media: I would do what makes you feel the most safe, if that is to change your name into a alias then that might ease your mind- go for it. I read a few articles on possibly keeping your friend list low and requesting your friends and family to hide their own friend lists so that your abuser cannot find you through their lists.

With other safety and security: I have a ring doorbell, cameras around my house, burglar alarms, dashcams in my car- my ex doesn’t know where I live but I’ve done it for my own peace of mind.

It’s been a long time since I left but I do have a few similar intrusive thoughts, especially where his behaviour was so unpredictable. I think I would contact the police if there is immediate danger or you suspected stalking. Other than that you may have to consider an injunction- which may end up provoking him.

I have CPTSD and anxiety, the anxiety attacks eased up a little while after I left my ex and I have been in a much better place with it for a long time.

I think the only thing I wish I did /might still do would be self defence classes.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Onwednesdayswewearpink,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time now. I think it’s important in any relationship to be able to express your true feelings to one another and to respect one another.

I think possibly there is some discussion that is needed to be had here with your partner to see if things like the checking in via phone call can be negotiated and the issues regarding trust. How do you think he would respond to that?

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Fallenpanda,

Looking at what you’ve said, a lack of respect for your partner is not a good sign as to staying with your fiancee. There is no excuse for name-calling and insults, and there is no excuse for verbal abuse.

In terms of finances it sounds like he only has such robust principles when it works in his favour. It sounds like you carry the majority of the weight of the household chores aswell as the finances.

Try and consider what he contributes into your relationship, whether you think there is a possibility as to whether the care and love you show in the relationship will ever be reciprocated. If the answer is no, do you think that’s something you can live with?

Have a look at your network, friends, colleagues, extended family can they help you out to save your childhood home for the time being. And check in on your finances, maybe seek out a mortgage advisor on your own. Make sure you’ve explored every avenue before you have to make a decision here.

Have a think about the home and environment you are creating for your children.

Hope this helps.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Mellow,

It sounds like your ex may have corrupted a few people he knows and who will listen to him. Try and think of anyone associated with him as extensions of himself, your job is not to care what he or his associates think of you.

Your ex has set up people in his life so his actions can be enabled. It’s not good for you to approach these enablers they can cause you further distress. It’s not your job to defend your character to people who don’t know you or what you’ve been through.

Where you said this person was surprised you were wearing work clothes. Take it as a win, you’re nothing like the picture he painted of you.

Try and focus on the people that know you and appreciate you for who you are.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Mellow,

I’m really sorry things are tough right now.

I’m glad you are opening up conversations with your GP. You may have already done so, but counselling is really helpful. I think they can help you to realise things about yourself, especially where you talk about what you look for in relationships.

It is hard to understand why abusers have certain demands and motivations- where you talk about why he wanted children. Usually it is purely for selfish reasons sometimes it can be because it looks good to other people to have a family, so they have an exterior to hide behind. Could these be a possibility?

From what your saying it sounds like you can see you are a kind person that sees the best in people. Hopefully you can then see what you can offer to the new person that deserves to be in your life. I think the counselling can assist you with putting in necessary boundaries.

Personally for me I threw myself into dating immediately which did me more harm than good. I’ve always put someone else ahead of myself up until that point where I decided it was time to show myself some love. I gave the dating apps a rest.

As for the last part, I would highly recommend steering clear of him and his property, there’s no need to put yourself at risk. You don’t need to anticpate his steps, you can only deal with the problems that are presented to you.

Try and find some support that works for you, whether that’s friends, family, making new friends, starting a hobby- if you are up to it. Or even having a plan or intention to do so. I know that your in a difficult stage. But please try and focus on the positives and eveything you’ve achieved so far.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Footballfan1,
Just reading your post, and everyone else’s too. It’s such a powerful thing to hear of these “light bulb” moments especially when seeing the effects on children.

I especially like the part about realising that staying with the abuser would essentially be stifling their personalities and not allowing them to grow into themselves.

One revelation came long after I had moved on, one day something arbitary had triggered a memory. I realised that for my abuser one of the reasons was attention, that if my attention was directed to anyone else or anything aside from him, it would provoke an uncontrollable anger. I think that’s what made me realise that the relationship was never sustainable, it was impossible for any person to commit all that attention to someone at the detriment to their own needs, wants, and above all health and wellbeing.

I think that’s when I finally let go of the blame I was putting on myself.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Palo Santo,

I also struggled with admitting to myself I was abused, it took a lot of time for me to actually accept it. I felt like I didn’t quiet belong with the survivors. I think this is also partially because the abuser never admitted it was abuse or took accountability for their behaviour- it took a while for me to understand he didn’t need to.

I can understand how it can feel emotionally draining. I think especially when children are involved it can be particularly difficult. I would look into researching the best ways around how best to approach the situation with your little one and if there is anyway you can help the impact it has on him in the long run. Possibly looking at podcasts, books or information online. Depending on the age, sometimes they say upsetting things, ( even if we know where it came from) try and remain non-retaliative and maybe do some fun rituals/games so that he feels like your home is safe.

Working with the perpetrator can be a little tricky. But I guess it can work as long as there is sufficient distance between you. However it sounds like it is re-triggering for you as well. There is a high probability that his behaviour will continue towards others and you may have to see/hear about it if you work with him.

The drug abuse angle is a little tough, I would say keep searching options in order to try and find one that puts the safety of your child first. Try and look for alternative advice than the one you recieved.

For me healing consisted of having counselling/therapy, spending time with loved ones and family, trying to love myself, excercise, yoga and meditation. There maybe lots of avenues to explore about yourself as well, where parts of yourself had to be muted for your ex you can now finally embrace it and love yourself for it.

I hope this helps

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi CaterpillarButtefly,

I’m sorry to hear that you went through this when you went away.

Name-calling and berating is never acceptable, and is never a proportional response to forgetfullness and human errors. If your partner really needed you to remember these things on holiday, it would be his shared responsibility to remember them too.

If you do consider leaving is it possible to break up an action plan bit by bit, first looking at finances, jobs, temporary accomodation, who you can go to for support and help for trust.

Everyone is deserving to seek out the best version of themselves, in your case not just for your children but for you too. You could be living the best 30-40 years of your life.

I can understand why the reduced quality of life for your child maybe a concern, but I think in this instance think about how much of your needs are being minimised and consider whether this treatement is likely to get worse (honestly).

As you said in your message, the name calling and berating has effected your mind frame regarding diet and excercise, if you were to leave you could focus on your health and strive in many ways.

It sounds like you have always been strong, and although there are factors to take into consideration- it’s important to have faith in yourself.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Kellym,

Just reading your last message. This sounds like a terrifying experience for you.

From the tone of that last paragraph I can see that you may feel overwhelmed with the information regarding the effects of how the situation may effect your daughter. But try focus on the immediate safety first for both of you.

I am glad you are packing to leave, please seek help from the Orgnaisations set up to guide you, they maybe able to help you understand and process what’s happened here. Again try and take into account what’s happened and the risks involved here first, ensure a safe place to retreat if possible. Given the severity of the attack, please consider law enforcement if you feel comfortable taking that route.

There is no reason this person needed to attack you, and no reason why you deserve this treatment- nobody does. The perpertrator is likely to blame-shift and will never be accountable for their behaviour. As you said in your message, you are not a violent person, you don’t need to make room for someone that is.

I understand that it may feel daunting to leave, but remember that if your intentions are for the good for you and your children the end result would be a lot brighter than living through more of the same treatment.

Keep packing, keep safe and all the best. I really hope your all safe tonight.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Cornish1,

It does get easier. It takes time but it does get easier.

Strangely I had the same experience with my abuser, (detail removed by Moderator) (possibly to check what I had been upto). The incident was a long time ago, although I haven’t seen him since.

After we split I had PTSD, flashbacks at at work, and horrible nightmares. It took a while but they eased up a while after, I had therapy along the way. Eventually for me they went away completely.

I focused on myself after the split, and really enjoyed my time with family and friends. The therapist helped with the PTSD symptoms and specifically managing the flashbacks.

I hope this helps.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Mellow,

I’m sorry to hear you feel your happy ending is not here yet. I remember being in a similar position to you, I was literally sitting in the the destruction of my home.

I understand how you feel about being the egg donor. My abuser was starting to use manipulation tactics in order to coerce me into having a child with him, as he was a lot older than me. He would prey on my insecurities, and even suggested that I was infertile.

One of the last messages that I sent to my abuser was something along the lines of “(detail removed by Moderator)”. Now looking back at all the incidents he had with other people seperate to my own, the arguments, sometimes physical fights, threatening voice messages he left to his colleagues I can see that he will have spells in his life where he has to face that he is the common denominator. Therefore live with what they are, which can’t be easy.

When I walked away, I sent that one final message and went no contact. This was the start of my healing journey, and my new lease of life. I can honestly say this was the best decision of my life, I had inadvertently granted my freedom.

See the thing although they treat you like your the broken one, in reality they are broken beyond words can describe. Even if they went to a therapist, the lack of empathy means that they will never really be whole. Whereas the survivor, not only survives they have the chance to strive.

I can’t guarantee that you will get the justice you deserve. But these people are often deeply unhappy. They dislike themselves and use people as pawns in their life in order to maintain an image and remain concealed.

But I truly believe there is true beauty in healing no matter how long the journey.

I hope this helps you, and maybe helps you see that they don’t always get away so freely.

[Author]

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