orangefrog

[orangefrog]

I wore a pair of trainers at the weekend that I’ve had for years, but wasn’t allowed to wear. I got so many compliments about them. I didn’t explain to anyone why I hadn’t worn them til now.

It seems strange the little things that give you strength. That help you realise you are free. I bet your hair looks amazing! Thank you for posting. I hope others add to this post and share their wins.

[orangefrog]

Just want to give you a huge hug. You are not alone. I know I have felt that it would be easier to just go back. Why when I’ve done everything to protect my family does the support fall away? You are amazing and your children are so lucky to have you. Better days are to come. Be kind to yourself – you’ve got this xxx

[orangefrog]

Thank you for sharing Cadda. I’m sorry you had to experience this abuse. I think you’ve been incredibly brave to share it with your therapist let alone any family members. Your reaction is so natural for your daughter.

You have validated the abuse I experienced in childhood. I didn’t think it was “much” but reading your account (which is so similar to my experience) made me realise I wouldn’t accept it happening to anyone else and it is abuse.

Strangely I feel lucky my Grandfather died and I don’t have to worry about protecting my child from him directly. I have always worried about opening a can of worms if I were to disclose it to a family member. My mum left home very young… Why? I have relatives of a similar age – were they subjected to it too? Going forward how do I protect my baby? I’ve never written any of this down or said it to anyone – I’m even scared to post it, but maybe I’ll just press submit like you did.

Thank you again. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers.

[orangefrog]

Thank you for posting. I’m planning on collecting my stuff soon and am in a similar position to you. Luckily I have a friend who can go, so that I don’t have to. My solicitor is going to send him a list of my belongings and the jointly owned ones that I will be taken. I was advised not to give him too much time to think about it. He’s already indicated what he wants, and I’m happy to let him have all that. Of course he’s overlooked an expensive joint purchase that we made just before I left! My solicitor is going to ask him to be out of the house on the day.

Please let us know how you get on xx

[orangefrog]

Hey, similar to nbumblebee – I am trying affirmations (only done it once!). My counsellor suggested writing them down, since there is something about the action of writing that makes the affirmation stronger. The one time I did it I had a wonderful lightbulb moment. Why I haven’t done it again, I don’t know! I’ll do it now. I’ll also google assertiveness classes. Thank you for posting Bestrong2 – thinking of you xx

[orangefrog]

Thank you Wants To Help. It’s good to have contrasting opinions on this and I’m so pleased your son has a good relationship with his paternal grandparents.

I am going to take my time to work out what to do for the best, but I will consider the email. The way you have suggested writing it stops the family member replying, hopefully. At the very least I will not feel obliged to respond to any further contact.

I have reacted really badly to this contact (which I believe comes from a kind place) – sleepless nights, feelings of hopelessness and fleeting suicidal thoughts. This backs up what KIP has suggested – I need time to heal and build my strength and this justifies zero contact with all family members for now/forever.

I suggested to my ex that this family member acted as a 3rd party some time ago. He’s done nothing about this. This family member states that they are upset that the wider family can’t see my son and they can’t understand why not. Equally they have offered to be a 3rd party and mentioned the letter from my solicitor to my ex where I suggest this. Writing that down has made me realise there are 2 issues here – (1) wider family seeing son & (2) facilitating his contact with his son (which he has failed to sort for himself). It doesn’t make sense that I help his family see his son, when he can’t help himself see his son…does it?

This family member is the one with the most insight. Others have sent me back to my abusive ex when I have stood on their doorstep in tears begging them to help me (he had rung ahead and told them not to let me in their house); they have told me he will kill himself if I leave him; and since I have left they have rung me to tell me I should have left sooner (so acknowledging his behaviour), before I had a child and that I have used him to have a child (so much evidence to the contrary on this, including fertility treatment) and I am selfish to take the child away from them. Again, this backs up the zero contact approach.

I suspect I’ll do a combination – email asking for space and then zero contact until I have more strength (if ever). Interestingly, another member of the family, abused by him, has gone zero contact with the whole family.

My head is so full. This forum is so helpful to get my thoughts out of my head.

Thank you KIP and Wants To Help xx

[orangefrog]

Thank you KIP. It’s so helpful to have your guidance. You start to doubt yourself. I can see from her point of view I have stopped contact with his family and moved away, which has in turn stopped them seeing the child for now. But I haven’t gone zero contact due to the child – still have email and solicitor. Although, don’t worry, I won’t be responding to his emails myself – I’ll forward to solicitor and escalate if needed. For the time being I am so so grateful he hasn’t been in touch for some time.

She’s a really kind and good hearted family member. I knew he would have brainwashed the family. It’s just this contact confirms it. I’m disappointed she can’t see the reasons for my actions. I desperately want to explain my actions – That I have sought guidance from professionals. That it is him who is stopping contact and it is his behaviour that has led to the breakdown of our marriage. That it is not my responsibility to hold him to account for each poor action, but that he should recognise it isn’t ok to treat another person the way he treated me, repeatedly. I want to share the Lundy Bancroft book with her and point her to the chapter on how the family react and the other comments about the perpetrator playing the victim. How will that help her though? She has to be in a family with this monster and be with those who support him.

Another thing I’ve realised following your post is that she would reply to my explanation. I haven’t the strength. I also don’t want to make promises of contact with her or others in the future.

[orangefrog]

What a great post – thank you! We can so easily over look these positive moments. I particularly related to the comment on going to bed with your heart racing or feeling anxious. I hadn’t even realised I no longer do this. I used to go to bed scared and anxious about what his next move would be. A number of times I would cry myself to sleep. It’s so wonderful to be free!

It’s the silly little things I remember – I can load the dishwasher how I like; if I can’t find my car keys before I get to the car no one minds; if the baby cries no one gets cross; I go outside in my slippers; sometimes I don’t do the washing up for an hour or two; I don’t clean the sides down as I cook; no one tells me how crap I am etc etc

Such a good reminder! Especially after an email from one of his family today. Thank you xx

[orangefrog]

Thank you KIP – your posts are always so helpful. I am keeping a journal. You’re absolutely right about mindfulness and I shall try to practice it more often. I wonder whether this time where he isn’t in touch is actually the easier bit or the calm before the storm and there’s no harm trying to enjoy it.

He wouldn’t cope with 50%, especially with such a young child, but I know
his Mum would be keen to help him. She’s also manipulated by him and his Dad. The longer he doesn’t see the child the less comfortable I am with him looking after them.

I keep spending time trying to guess his next move, but I need to stop that and concentrate on being in the moment with my little one.

[orangefrog]

These posts are so helpful! I don’t feel so alone. I can relate to everything above, even the the detail of a child being pinned to the ground. I just wanted to post so you know others are experiencing similar behaviours and feelings. I’m afraid I’m also in and amongst it so don’t have the solutions or advice more experienced members have. I too find myself saying, it was OK, he’s not THAT bad. Thank you for sharing xx

[orangefrog]

@Teaandcats me too!

[orangefrog]

Thank you cakepops. Your comments are really helpful. I rang the contact centre today, but no answer. I will try them again tomorrow.

That’s shocking re (removed by moderator).

(Removed by moderator). I’m so sorry you endured it. I need to stop all communication with him (currently only email and I think he’s aware he needs to consider his emails to me).

[orangefrog]

Thank you KIP. Unfortunately an occupation order probably wouldn’t go in my favour. He has a child from a previous relationship who lives with us for some of the time. The legal advice I have received is that that child is in school and needs the stability of their family home, more than me and the baby.

Equally – on a positive note, (removed by moderator). He’s definitely lost interest after I wasn’t there the last time he saw the baby. Although as you will have guessed the communication I have made with him, via email, he has used to try and manipulate me (we’re selling our house). This forum makes me stronger and more aware of his behaviour. It won’t be long til I have no contact with him at all.

[orangefrog]

Hi Want To Help – thank you for your reply. Again – I’m so grateful to be heard.

The order in which you list baby, me and ex – is really helpful. I know this to be true, but I so quickly forget. I’ve always just been kind and put others first. I would never have left if I hadn’t had the baby, since I won’t have the baby treated in the same way I have, or witness the behaviours I have. The baby has provided clarity.

I’ve found the local contact centre – thank you to you and KIP for giving me the push to look into them.

If I’m honest – I feel frustrated that I have been abused for years; I’ve done the right thing and left the abuser to protect my child and myself; and now I’m in a position where I have to facilitate this man’s access to his child and he just continues living in the family home denying the effect his behaviour has had. It terrifies me the effect that these people have on your life even when you have left. On a more positive note – my head is so much clearer now I’ve left, I know it’s the right thing for my child and I hope this gives some women hope.

Thank you again

[orangefrog]

Thank you for your reply KIP and advice. I’m so grateful to be heard.

He said he couldn’t change a nappy when I last was at (detail removed by moderator). I believe it was a tactic to get me on my own with him to continue his abusive behaviour and also take a shot at me for removing myself and our child from the home.

I had thought I had to go through court for contact centres, but your message prompted me to see what is local to me and I can self refer.

His behaviour has been reported to the Police. The solicitor does recognise that the baby’s Mum needs to be in good health to look after the baby – we’re just trying to find a way my ex can see the baby without seeing me.

Thank you again

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