PaintingByNumbers

[PaintingByNumbers]

Thank you all – everything you’ve shared makes me feel less alone.I really get the decision thing – I’ve spent so long making decisions based on what will keep him calm or please him, that it’s hard to make decisions for myself😞

@Starting Over Again – I have a list of things he did that I’ve written down but unfortunately when I go to it, I dismiss it all, tell myself I’m imagining it…I know it’s the result of years of gaslighting, but still feels like I’m making it up because my pity for him is stronger than my respect for myself…hopefully that will change!

[PaintingByNumbers]

Oh I relate so much to this! My counsellor asked me to write a list of things my ex did / controlled and when I read it back to her a week later, it all sounded so trivial and like I was complaining about nothing, just being pathetic, but she helped me see that it wasn’t the one offs, that all-together these things formed a pattern, a cycle of abuse, they normalised a controlling relationship…yes someone in a normal relationship might do one of two of these things, but not this many and not with this frequency.

Also, I don’t think my ex actually knows what he did, it’s literally just how he is, how he functions, and he had a horrible childhood so in part I feel sorry for him because he doesn’t know how to do better, but that still doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

Please dont leave – stay and share as much as you want xx

[PaintingByNumbers]

Did you get out? I really hope you managed to get to the police and to safety! Xx

[PaintingByNumbers]

I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. It sounds similar in many ways to my experience and I’m still coming to terms with the fact that it was emotional abuse, and I’m your case, yes sexual abuse as you didn’t willingly consent…I really get the part about you feeling you agreed to stuff – I did too, but out of fear, to keep him calm, to keep him on side, to avoid confrontation…that’s not really agreement.

I’m really pleased you’ve managed to get out, but see it must be so hard with children involved. Personally I’d recommend only
Communicating in writing (emails/WhatsApp) as atleast you then have a record of converdations! 😘

[PaintingByNumbers]

Oh I feel like I am reading my own thoughts from last year. I am lucky in that I didn’t have children with my ex so i am able to cut him out more permanently but I did try to end the relationship multiple times and as I’ve always been the person paying for / on the lease for our homes, I asked him to leave and he just flat out refused and bunkered down, but yes any argument about the relationship ending would then be followed by him making me hot water bottles for when I got home tired and cold, cleaning the house top to bottom, stroking my hair when I struggled to get to sleep with my anxiety, telling me he loved me…all things that made me reconsider and then have us stuck in a never-ending relationship!

I hear you!

I finally asked him to leave for one night so I could have some space to think AND had my brother turning up 30 mins later to stay so my ex knew he had to go for the night. My brother then changed the locks and helped me write a message to say he wasn’t able to live with me anymore. It was deceitful, but it was the only way I knew of to end it…you’ll find your own way and I know it might be trickier with children involved, but use this time until Christmas is over, to plan and find your way of ending it…there will be one, and it won’t be easy or fun, but there is always a way, you just need to find it and prepare yourself! 😊

You can do this!

[PaintingByNumbers]

I am so sorry you have all experienced this also, but at the same time I find so much comfort i knowing I am not alone, so thank you all for sharing, for being so open and honest. This rollercoaster is exhausting but at least it will get easier with time!! X

[PaintingByNumbers]

I don’t have any advice and it sounds like an awful situation – I can offer prayers and a listening ear and hope you find others with more experience who can support you through this. You sound like an amazing mum so I’m sure you’ll do the right thing, whatever that is! X

[PaintingByNumbers]

I feel you. I am only recently free, but I hear and see your confusion, your hurt, your numbness in disassociation…but please try to hold onto the fact that we are worth more than we were made to believe, we are worth love and respect and kindness and compassion, and right now you are worth nourishment – please try to find something small to eat…it will help you to look after yourself and give yourself some of the love and kindness you have been missing for so long. X

[PaintingByNumbers]

That’s amazing – well done!!!

[PaintingByNumbers]

This might sound super weird but it helped me recently…

When I was ready to end things this time, I braided a small plait into my hair and named it my courage, then I took a piece of fabric and tied it around my wrist and named it my worth, and with the two physical things to hold onto when I needed them, it made it much easier to stand up for myself and say what I needed to to get him out.

Might not work for others, but really helped me when I felt scared and worthless! Xx

[PaintingByNumbers]

Yes this is so familiar to me too…it is abuse and you must find a way to get out safely. Praying for you. X

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