Peaceful Pig

[Peaceful Pig]

Fizzylem that is so helpful. I thought I had grieved enough. I thought I had accepted and accommodated all the traumatic memories into my new sense of self. But now having to show that pain and damage to someone I care for so much I realise I haven’t fully accepted it, I still feel very ashamed. I want to be someone different for him. Someone less troubled, more fun, or at least more healed. I feel I’ve been dishonest but I genuinely believed I was doing better than I am.

As for your list the other big thing missing from my life is a support network, at all, nevermind a strong one. I do have some friends and get on well with my colleagues. I’ve have a sister though she’s far away and I’ve made some contact with extended family who have been supportive and had no idea about my childhood abuse. But everything seems to stay shallow. I can’t seem to deepen friendships and let people in. I thought I was doing when I first left my ex and was going through everything but now it’s like life has moved on and no-one seems to remember what’s happened or let me talk about it. This relationship is the first time I’ve managed to go deeper and now I’m terrified. And it’s worse because there’s no-one behind me to watch out for me which increases my vulnerability in the relationship.

I agree I need more therapy and was glad you said about finding someone new, because that’s what I think too. I did see a previous therapist for a one off session about this a while back and it wasn’t that helpful. It was weird because I realised I’d put her on a pedestal and seen her as some sort of angel saving me, she helped so much at the time. But now she seems normal and not right for where I am now.

I will look around for someone right, first thing for the new year. Thank you so much x

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks Fizzylem,
I definitely am in danger of sabotaging this, though I really don’t want to. He reassures me it’s not as bad as I think and he wants to help me but every time I have a panic attack I worry he’ll decide he’s had enough.
I’ve done all the soul searching and psychotherapy. I know exactly why I feel and react this way. My attachment style is messed up from my abusive parents, I have a lifetime of triggers from them and my ex. This is the first healthy relationship I have ever experienced and is going to take a lot of adapting to. I was hoping time would be enough but I’m not sure about that now as I don’t feel I’m making much progress. I just wish I could be the me I’ve discovered over the past few years and not regress from anxiety when I’m with him. When a trigger happens I’m overwhelmed with fear and I can’t rationalise with myself until it’s passed. Accepting where I am in the process is always helpful.
Thanks again. I wish you and everyone else on here a safe and peaceful Christmas.
PP X

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you. I will keep things steady and fingers crossed he will be another part of my healing hourney and the cherry on top after all my hard work xxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you so much. People around me have touched me by how pleased they are for me but they don’t understand why I’m so scared. I knew you would get it.
Diymum that makes sense about letting trust grow slowly and naturally as things develop and I see him in different scenarios. I started with what I thought were clear boundaries but I really hadn’t planned or expected this level of feeling on either side. I think to some extent I will only learn what my boundaries are from allowing myself to experience a healthy relationship and just watching my feelings. As you say I know that this time I am able to pull him up on things without fear of punishment.
Fizzylem yes you’re right I did get a bit swept away for a while which was lovely and exciting but I’ve scared myself. I can keep things where they are or even step back a little until I feel safer again. He lives quite far away which I’m glad about or it’d be even more tempting to move forward. He says he’s patient so he’ll just have to prove it won’t he?
Thank you both again for your kind words and encouragement,
PP xxx

[Peaceful Pig]

You have absolutely done the right thing. The guilt is just conditioning, try to distract and comfort yourself when that feeling arises. With time you’ll be able to see the wood for the trees, the fog will lift and you’ll have some peace of mind to think through your options. His ‘help’ will just cause you more harm, you don’t need it x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Exit, it does not sound stupid at all. I felt exactly as you describe (detail removed by Moderator), it was so traumatic I just couldn’t function. (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve been out quite a while now and things are improving, though it’s slow progress. My social life is pretty limited anyway due to work and the children but the hardest part in building friendships is trust and learning how to be a friend. When I was with my ex he would always put me off doing anything nice for anyone by telling me it was ridiculous and they would think I was stupid. I’m gradually pushing through the anxiety to allow myself to be a good friend. When I relapse though I find it very hard to reach out to anyone and can still feel quite alone. Try gently nudging your comfort zone bit by bit, try to think of the things you wanted to do but weren’t able to, now is your chance. Identity is a tough one too, its a scary feeling not knowing who you are, I’m gently experimenting with looks and activities and getting a firmer sense of what feels comfortable for me. You will definitely have a meaningful life but don’t rush or be too hard on yourself. It’ll come in time x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi iwillbeok, it takes a long, long time to process the facts of the abuse once we come realise the truth. We have lived with our abusers lies, justifications, gaslighting etc for so long and believed it all because we had to, to stay safe. Coercing someone by intimidation, brainwashing and conditioning is not gaining consent. It’s deliberately training a person to not say no, to feel so worthless they don’t even know that no is an option anymore. That’s what I think I found so hard to accept, the cold, deliberate nature of the behaviour. Try not to give yourself a hard time whilst your mind is attempting to assimilate this information. It’s a natural process of healing and it takes as long as it takes. Allow yourself to rest and cry (as much as possible with children around). You are hurt but not irreparably. Be as patient and compassionate with yourself and the process as you can. You’re doing fine xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hey Shinebright, it’s good to hear from you though sorry to hear you’re struggling. It can feel really hard and lonely once the crisis phase is over and the support ebbs away, yet there is still so much to sort out and overcome on our own. You are absolutely right to be terrified, there is every reason to be. Yet you have been extremely terrified many times before and each time you did it anyway. You will overcome this hurdle too. I’m sure you be able to arrange all you need to. It’s a shame no-one can guarantee that he’ll never find you, it’s a terrible way to live knowing that someone has such hatred for you, but it sounds as though the police are doing all they can to protect you which is good. You are not alone, we’re with you in spirit xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Serenity, it’s devastating to hear your son say that after all you’ve been through to make life better for them. You could not have done any better than you have, you have most certainly not failed. It must be so hard for our children to know which parent to believe when they say different things. Your silence on the matter up to now speaks volumes, you have nothing to justify or deflect attention from. I’m sure your son does know really but is clinging onto hope that his dad isn’t as bad as he is. Also I think all teenagers give the whole ‘you ruined my life’ speech to their parents at some point but for us it’s extra hard to hear because we carry so much guilt about their witnessing the abuse and its after effects. Try not to give him too much power from realising how hurt this has made you feel. Sending big hugs to you 🤗 xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Marionette, you sound as though your self-esteem has been so worn down by years of emotional abuse. I’m sure if you think about those words you use to describe yourself you will find they are in fact your husband’s words. They are unkind and untrue. They are designed to keep you where he wants you. You have every right to leave any relationship and you certainly have the right to live without abuse and insults. I was with my abusive ex-husband over (detail removed by Moderator) and I still haven’t quite erased all his messages from my mind. Pretty much the exact same messages your husband tells you. I’m still rebuilding slowly but surely but definitely no regrets. Living in a peaceful home, feeling safe, gradually making friendships and learning who I really am is fabulous xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Ayanna, facing those demons is incredibly difficult and painful. Exhausting too. You are so right about the value of finding you. Having a clear, narrative about what happened to me and why has given me a much firmer sense of self. A self I can believe in. I have relapsed into a state of denial and sympathy for my abuser parents lately and it dramatically affected my mood. I lost all belief in myself. Telling someone about the abuse has woken me up to myself and my truth again. It’s a horrible truth, but it feels real and stable because it makes sense. Way better than the fog of abusers lies. Keep on going, it’s worth the pain, you’ll really like who you are! Xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Sorry strube, autocorrect changed your name!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Strive, I’ve been meaning to reply to this post for a while but not found time. I’ve been having a hard week myself. My son is also behaving similarly, less extreme currently, but lots of subtle occasions of hurting me and saying unkind things, pretending physical things are accidental, saying he doesn’t care. It started as clinginess and separation anxiety because his dad had been cancelling contact a lot lately but seems to have turned into something more angry and mostly directed at me. He also knows I’m exhausted and have let the boundaries slip too many times. I’ve been advised that my anxiety is feeding this behaviour and I do think he picks up on the impact his behaviour has which negatively reinforces it. That’s not to say that any of us are to blame for letting our anxieties show. It’s pretty impossible not to when we rarely get a break from our children and feeling the extreme emotions we do in this situation. Children are bright and ours are particularly hyperalert, they don’t miss a thing. Also we are not this anxious for no reason and it is not our fault. I’m trying not to panic or beat myself up so much. It’s exhausting trying to pretend it has no effect on us but I do think it’s the answer. I just hope I achieve it before he gets too big. I also have a child with additional needs so this muddies the water even further. My son gets very panicky when his dad choses not to spend time with him and was horrifically distressed and badly behaved when contact wasn’t allowed for a while. This is why your son is worse without your ex, because he feels rejected, abandoned and hurt. It’s really not because of you. I’ve found many professionals are much less well-trained that I imagined. I hope you manage to find some support and the strength and confidence to get back on top xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Toshiba, I know how scary this all is but try not to think too far ahead for now. Way easier said than done I know. The only priority is you and the children being safe and well and right now you are not. I know it feels like the children aren’t really aware and that it will unsettle them, but they will be aware of much more than you know. I stayed with my ex-husband for many years for the same reasons despite him raping me for years. I was also with him since being a teenager. The long term effect on my mental health was not worth it, I got to the point where I was suicidal just for it to end, even though I didn’t see it as rape then and didn’t really understand why I felt as desperate as I did. I can remember almost shouting at someone who was persuading me to go into refuge, saying what am I supposed to tell them?! (the children). It seems so extreme when it’s just our normal life that we are used to, when he tells us it’s all normal and we’re overreacting. Please believe me when I say that it’s worth taking that leap of faith to end this. You will (eventually) feel so much better and so will your children. I am a much better and happier parent than I could ever be with him around. The pleasure and relief of sleeping safely in my bed at night at the end of a long day is priceless and worth all that I’ve lost.
Sending you strength and love. Let your friend and the services help you, you can do this Toshiba xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Well done iamfree, it takes a lot of strength to keep fighting even when we are let down xx

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