Pearlescent

[Pearlescent]

Hi Citrine,

As daunting as it was I started volunteering at my child’s school whilst I was living at a refuge. It was just reading with the children but it eventually lead to a teaching assistant job there. It really helped me get involved in the local community and get to know local people.
It is really hard putting yourself out there but by pushing yourself to try new things (exercise classes etc) you will meet new people and your self confidence will also increase. It does take time but every step gets easier.

Pearlescent.

[Pearlescent]

Hi Meringue, you are bound to be having doubts – everyone always has doubts when making such a huge decision. As you said, you know you are doing the right thing – those nagging doubts and feelings of guilt are just those insecurities that have built up over time trying to have a voice. Keep encouraging yourself by reminding yourself of the reasons why you are doing this. Try not to think about his feelings (which I know is hard as you are used to putting his needs and feelings before your own) – you must put yourself first. Do be careful though as this is a very stressful time for you and you must concentrate on your own safety.
You can and will do this and as hard as it seems now it will be worth it.

[Pearlescent]

Hi,

As you know I am one of those who now has a lovely husband ! However this happened many years after fleeing to a refuge with my son and then meeting and having another child with another abusive man. Even after this second man who was charged (but not convicted due to lack of evidence of “intent”) of threats to kill there were still a couple of relationships that although not abusive were not good for me.

During my times of being single I used to have nights where I cried and would silently scream out “why me ? what have I done to deserve what I have been through ? why can I not meet someone and fall in love ?” Some evenings I could feel an anger inside me because of how unjust it all felt. I knew love existed I just could never see where I would find it. Like you I used dating sites and like you got a lot of interest from men I was not interested in yet none from those I was. I would go on dates and feel that sinking feeling or see someone a few times just to realise that they were only after one thing. However I did meet my husband on one !

I know it is easier said than done to learn to love and like yourself but that is exactly what you must do. It is not something you can choose to do, it is something that evolves over time. Every step that you take on your own, every hurdle you overcome, every time you “feel the fear and do it anyway” gives you a bit more self respect and builds your self worth. I found that each relationship (no matter how short) I got involved in was a little bit better than the last and I truly believe that this was a reflection of how I felt about myself.

At the time I met my husband I had decided to give up on trying to find a relationship, I had realised that I was actually quite good at making myself happy, for the first time since my first son was born I felt like I was actually doing a pretty good job as a parent. I was about to delete my profile on one site and he asked me on a date (after chatting for a few weeks of and on). He was one of those that seemed more interested in me, than I was in him but I made that conscious decision of giving it a go because I didn’t have anything to lose (as I had resigned myself to being single for a while) and try something different in that I did not feel an initial attraction. Needless to say he turned out to be the most perfect person for me !!

I suppose my message to you is to not force anything, unfortunately it does take a long time for us to heal. My mantra is “good things come to those who wait” – try to be patient, your time will come when you are ready xx

[Pearlescent]

Hi Duvet,

You have already come a long way by realising and accepting the situation that you are currently in. You will get to the point where you feel ready to make the move – this does not mean that you will feel strong enough (you never feel strong enough !) but you will know when the time is right and you will find the strength. Please do be careful though and look after yourself.

I know how you feel when you talk about your husband having other women, my partner was constantly and consistently unfaithful. Rather than me thinking “they are welcome to him” it made me feel even more useless and insecure. However you need to look at it in a positive way – the times he goes away gives you time to yourself to make your plans, build yourself up and gain knowledge about the options available to you.

The fact that you are bringing up your children, running a home, providing the finances and admitting to an abusive relationship shows what a strong, capable and able person you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are on the right track, keep going, a new life awaits you !

Pearlescent xx

[Pearlescent]

Fantastic story Happynow, one which I totally understand as I have been through it all and come out the other side truly happy and content. Some days I still wake up and can’t quite believe I am in the position I am now. Like you said i hope that we can share our success stories and help those that are still going through the struggle to keep moving forward.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it may seem at the moment.

xxx

[Pearlescent]

Beenherebefore, it is so nice to read this message string and see all of the lovely ladies on here providing you with the support and words you need to stay away. I feel this is exactly what this forum is for and why I joined ! Keep going, the longer you stay away and maintain the no contact the stronger you become and the clearer you can see the sort of person he is. You can do this and you will do this ! xx

[Pearlescent]

Fantastic new KIP, like you said you’re never sure where the strength and courage comes from but it does come ! Enjoy the exciting new life ahead of you xx

[Pearlescent]

Glad I can be of help ! Bad days will come but they will also go and they will become fewer and further between. Plus they are leading to better days ahead unlike the “bad” days within the relationship xx

[Pearlescent]

Hi legobricks,

Take a minute to read this back to yourself and look at it as if someone else has written it – who would you say is to blame ? Does it seem like they are over reacting ?

You are most definitely not to blame, nor are you over reacting, nor have you caused this. It sounds like you are currently in a very dangerous situation and I would strongly advise you to speak to someone on the helpline so that you can get some information on the options available to you. Please believe that you can take control and get out of this situation – not by trying to reason with your fiance (as this will not work) but by arming yourself with as much information as possible and realising that this is not the way that someone who loves you treats you.
Please be careful and do call the helpline – they helped set me free.

Pearl xx

[Pearlescent]

Hi Serenity, I really feel for you and your situation. I feel that I have spent years trying to repay the debt I feel I owe my eldest son and this has resulted in me being too easy-going with him. I think we try so hard to make up for the horrible years and to ensure that our sons do not grow up to be like their fathers and when it feels like it isn’t working it breaks our heart. Your post reminds me of one time where my son completely lost his temper, he was doing his homework and I think felt a bit stressed, we had had an argument (probably about tidying up etc) and to lighten the mood I tapped his head or leg or something. He completely flipped, started screaming and shouting (luckily my youngest was not around). My first reaction was to run out into the kitchen and shut myself in and I heard him kick the door. I stood in the kitchen for what felt like hours with my heart hammering until I calmed down a bit and thought “I am not having this in my house, I have worked too hard to remove violence from our lives and I am not letting it return”. I forced myself out to confront him (he already towered over me), he had ran upstairs and I could hear him trashing his room. He shouted at me to stay out of his room and almost pleaded with me – I think the anger scared him but I knew I had to go in there and stand up to him. I did just that, squared up to him and told him to never do that again, that I was not having violence brought back into our lives and that if he ever felt like that again he should walk out of the door and not come back until he had calmed down. I felt sick afterwards and thought that this was the start of his past playing a part in his future but it never happened again – tough love can work but it is tougher on you !
Sometimes I think we are so quick to think that their behaviour is because of their past but sometimes it can just be hormones, puberty etc. I can understand why you think it is his dad influencing his behaviour and I think you are right in what you have said – tough love is needed at the moment. I am sure you are bringing him up to know right from wrong and you have to trust that he will see sense eventually. It will be ok – he is your son and whether he recognises it at the moment or not he loves you and feels save with you.
xx

[Pearlescent]

Hi SunshineRainFlower, sorry for delay in replying – I do think the road to recovery is really lonely, but it’s meant to be that way because that’s when you learn to rely on yourself, trust yourself and more importantly rate yourself ! I did have nights of crying into the pillow and thinking “why me”, I still do sometimes but that;s ok. Sometimes you need to feel for yourself and give yourself a break from being strong, then pick yourself back up and carry on. So many people have heard my story and told me how strong I am, as you know I didn’t feel strong at the time, you just have to keep going as there isn’t another option ! I feel that this is a great forum to use when you do feel lonely, there’s so many with you on your journey. It sounds like you are doing great and building up yourself – keep going ! x

Thanks Cuppa, they certainly do exist. We all know it I think but how do you find them ! I just concentrated on the fact that “you will never find someone / something different if you look in the same places (or look for the same things)”. x

[Pearlescent]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

No therapy although I did become aware of my “usual type” and their seemingly attractive traits that are no good – arrogance, overly confident, demanding etc. I then tried to steer well clear of anyone I met that had these traits. Another thing these men had in common was a) children that they did not have much contact with and b) not very good relationships with their parents and other family members. I try not to judge as no-one knows a strangers story but years down the line I feel that this indicates that they are unable to sustain meaningful relationships (just my opinion !).

I also found that as my self worth increased I attracted more people (not just men) that appreciated my worth if that make sense ? This is when I realised you have to make yourself happy and almost fall in love with yourself before looking to others for those things.

When I met my husband he was not at all my usual type and to be honest I thought he was a bit quiet and boring and nervous ! Luckily I recognised that this could be a good thing and rather than look for those butterflies moments and ups and downs of what I thought a relationship should be like I just kept an eye out for reasons NOT to date him and get to know him (anger, arrogance, letting me down etc). He never gave me any reason to stop dating him and the rest is history !

I know it is easier said than done but build yourself up by small accomplishments and treat yourself how you would like someone to treat you. It’s a tough journey so do remember to compliment yourself on every tiny step.

I hope that helps !!
xxx

[Pearlescent]

Hi Dragonfly,

I have only just joined the forum and this is the first topic I have replied to as almost (detail removed by Moderator) down the line (from finally getting away) I still have the dreams. They normally follow a day where I have been reminded of my previous situation – a film, status on social media etc. As much as these dreams are awful at the time and I wake up with my heart hammering I try to look at the them in a positive way. For many years I blocked out many of the more harrowing events, I still have blocks of time with no memories whatsoever, I feel that these dreams are happening because I now feel save and ready to deal with those memories.
You are obviously getting stronger xx

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