Polardog

[Polardog]

The one thing that struck me in your post is when you said “it’s not me to hurt anyone”. I don’t know if this helps but it’s not you hurting him – his actions and behaviours are what are causing you to want to take action so ultimately he is doing it to himself. You are deciding what to do for the sake of yourself and your children – and you wouldn’t be needing to do that if he didn’t behave the way he does. Thinking of you.

[Polardog]

I don’t know if you learned about the cycle of abuse when you left, but I was learning about it on the course they have put me on this week – and when life is quiet and calm is when our brains can be waiting for it all to kick off even a long time after – which is why you’re thinking a lot about it as well. So firstly I just want to say – you’re normal in what you’re thinking and feeling – it’s only natural too.

I’ve found very quickly friends don’t want to talk about it at all and seem to have forgotten – it’s much earlier days for me at the moment (only (removed by moderator) weeks out) but I am really struggling because I need them to make an effort and often when they let me down or downplay it, it reinforces how he made me feel. I do think (and this doesn’t excuse any friend or family member in any way), that people find it really hard – they don’t want to have to think about how you might be feeling or what you might have experienced or how long it takes to recover because that’s a horrible thing – so they say move on etc because if you’ve moved on they can think well she’s doing ok. So it’s not that they are being mean, humans are inherently selfish and don’t want to feel other’s pain sometimes.

Therapy is a key thing – and it’s scary to go and tackle BUT such a huge thing and so good for moving forward, understanding and allowing yourself to feel stuff, process it fully and heal. You can self refer through your local authority wellbeing website so you don’t even have to talk to your GP but honestly it will be such a power move for yourself allowing yourself that space.

The most important thing is not to let self doubt creep in when people are being dismissive – and to find things that are constructive to fill those quiet periods. It may sound ridiculous, but I joined a facebook group for the specific type of dog I have and now we do regular meet ups. They don’t know any of what happened to me, but it’s something normal, healthy and we are bonded over a positive thing. Find something you enjoy that you can find a group for and can enter that group just as you as you are now – it will help a lot.

I hope that helps. And always you have us in here to lean on!

[Polardog]

I am so sorry you are faced with this situation and it is an incredibly tough one for you to push forward with BUT you need to remember you are making the right decision – his manipulation of the children with his emotional immaturity will make things harder BUT children grow into adults and learn to see things clearly and in time they will understand just what he has done. It is hard because right now you feel like you will be making their life harder, but you are doing something to support a better life in general. You can make sure the children get support to deal with the divorce and definitely get the support of local domestic abuse services to help you move things forward and make sure they are ok in this.

[Polardog]

You can do this. Ring the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and they will be able to give you advice on how best to proceed so that you remain safe – and they will also be able to help you find local support too. Childhood abuse is no excuse or reason for you to stay – many people experience that and don’t mistreat others. It’s going to get tough before it gets easier but the fact you even recognise what is going on is a huge step and you will get there bit by bit.

[Polardog]

It took me so many attempts because he’d always make me feel like I’d given up on being loved when the reality was I was chosing myself and to not be abused any more.

The final straw for me was finding out that his father had not been in a coma for months and he had not been at the hospital supporting him and he hadn’t even died. It was the point at which I knew he was going to far too extreme lengths to manipulate me and I needed to know the truth and then move forward with my life because someone who lies to that extreme is dangerous.

I struggle day to day with feelings because you do miss the good bits, but we are all worthy of more than that.

[Polardog]

Firstly you are doing amazingly considering the amount of pressure he is creating with his behaviour. It is hard for young people to understand – and teenagers in particular go through a stage in their development where their brains regress a bit when it comes to empathy for others and so they may find it hard to see it from your point of view. The advice line may be able to help you find the words to explain it all to them.

It feels harder because you did it. You took the steps. And it’s always going to feel harder for a bit at first BUT if you keep sticking with it, it will get easier in time as things change and move forward. I think you’re doing an amazing job balancing being able to be out of that situation and manage your children still having a relationship with their Dad.

[Polardog]

Just wanted to say it is hard when it’s psychological and emotional – I totally hear you on that – I think it was why it took me so long to realise that was what he was doing.

The thing that struck me is when you said about when you’re lying next to him at night – I don’t know if this will help at all but it’s mostly likely the emotional connection you would miss, not him the person and if you separate those out it does get easier to understand just how damaging the behaviour is. There is no “should” in life really – wherever we are at is where is right for us at that time – you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy and putting yourself first is so important when someone is doing this to you. Take your time – process what you are realising but understand that you deserve someone you can lay next to at night and think you’d miss them who isn’t doing what he is doing to you.

You sound like such a strong person. You have got this. Whatever you need to do, at whatever pace works for you. You will be able to do that.

[Polardog]

Sorry that you are going through this. I completely understand your desire to keep your dog. I got so worried about losing my dogs it held me back a lot. Please know that police officers will not judge you on mental health. They are much more educated in that department these days and their role is to protect and serve and so talking to them may well be the best thing you can do – even if you don’t press charges immediately they can link you up with support services who can advise you on how best to deal with the situation AND they may even know of services that will support you in keeping your dog with you too. You’ve got this.

[Polardog]

All the stuff he is doing to try and make you seem like you’re not doing well..won’t sit in the minds of your children as they grow up as a positive thing. I know it doesn’t feel it right now, but I can guarantee as they get older they will sit you down and tell you just how much they appreciated everything you did and how much they learned from the amazing example you are setting them.

Be kind to yourself. And if you need something to do with the lemons, I say juice them and find a water pistol x

[Polardog]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s a lot to handle on top of everything else. It would be worth reaching out to your local family planning service as they will have someone who can give you advice and talk you through options that might work for you. You have not failed as a Mum – the fact you are making progress and moving forward is testament to that. If you don’t know how to get hold of the family planning service, speak to your GP as they will know where to point you to as well. You are stronger than you know – the fact you are thinking about it all is a big thing.

[Polardog]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is very hard when you’re a good person who genuinely cares about someone to separate their behaviour from things and understand a lot of what is going on. I would say it’s important to consider if his words and actions add up – mental illness is tough, but it doesn’t mean a person can’t take steps to do better with it and seek out the correct support and it certainly isn’t a reason for you to live your life walking on eggshells and feeling like you are. If he truly hates feeling like this then he will do what it takes to stop behaving the way that he is – and you should’nt feel you have to stick by him because he says he hates feeling like it. He has the power to accept the things he finds difficult and adjust life to help him better cope and if he cannot do that then get more help to support this. As Intr0vert has rightly said his mentioning of his mental health and outbursts could be manipulating you into letting him have his own way (which it’s hard to say not being directly with you right now) but if you take some time to think about the patterns of behaviour it might help you to separate what is mental illness and what is control which may help you find strength to do the right thing for you in this. No one deserves to be feeling like this and you are not responsible for his quality of life.

[Polardog]

Sorry you are having a bad day. Just remember – you did the hardest bit – that first step and although this is going to be really tough at times, you found the strength to do that and you can keep going. It won’t feel like it all the time, but you have made some big steps and are doing all the right things to keep pushing forward. It is hard when suicide is threatened as we can feel so guilty. I found he best way to deal with this is if it is threatened a lot understand that you can either call Samaritans and they can call him and do a welfare check or speak to the emergency services to put forward your concerns. It’s easy to feel bad and want the other person to be ok – and that’s because you’re a good human. But you are your priority and the right services can support him while you take care of you. Take one day at a time. Counselling is such a powerful tool and will help you process things and find more strength. And when you feel like you don’t have the strength we are all here to talk to.

[Polardog]

I’m sorry he’s making it harder with this. I’d strip it back to toddler times – reinforce when he behaves nicely towards you and completely ignore the teenager behaviour.

It’s a lot for you to deal with so just keep talking – we are all here to support you.

[Polardog]

You can do this – take those steps for you. You deserve better.

[Polardog]

You’re not going to look stressed forever. Just remember that. Children are way more intuitive than we realise and go through these experiences with far more grace too. One day at a time. But always remember you took steps that took courage and bravery and that is a huge thing to do x

[Polardog]

You’ve got this. I am so glad your family and daughter are supportive.

[Polardog]

If he isn’t open with the therapist then therapy isn’t going to change him.

It made the hairs on my arms stand on end when you said about he says you’ve chosen to be with me as that’s exactly what was said to me – but I didn’t feel like I had a choice because I loved him and he was adamant he was working on changing.

I know this will sound harsh, but I grew up in a horrendous environment, and I’ve had therapy on and of throughout my adult life to deal with this. I have never used that as a reason to ask others to make themselves small for me. I know this will be hard to do, but you need to understand that regardless of trauma if someone wants to deal with it they will and they will not hold someone else hostage with their emotions.

The good, compassionate person in you is putting him first but the reality is that it is manipulation – you are not responsible for his life experiences – and he IS responsible for how he treats others.

Leaving someone with mental health issues does not make you a bad person – especially if they are not putting in the work themselves. It shows great strength of character to know you deserve better.

[Polardog]

Thank you. It’s a lot isn’t it. Mentally very tiring.

[Polardog]

Thank you. I am sorry you are still going through it – remember how strong you are to still be here and still trying to find your way.

[Polardog]

Thank you. I did speak to someone last week and I have a DA support worker in place now and am having therapy too.

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