blue eyes

[blue eyes]

I hope you are ok. I have just read your post. You asked why he keeps making a big thing about children. It is because it is the one thing that he knows will hurt you the most. He knows how distraught you were after the abortions, he knows he encouraged you to have them. He is being very cruel suggesting he wants children, or talking about them. He knows what he is doing, it’s not just thoughtless. He knows this contradiction will hurt and confuse you. His apparent change of heart, flip flopping of opinions wanting them not wanting them will send you right back there to that situation. When he points out children and talks about having them, you will feel panic about the decision you made back then and you will feel searing pain. I know this because it is exactly what my ex used to do to me.(Detail removed by moderator) These men are unbelievably evil devious and cruel and take pleasure in
emotionally hurting their partners. I think we actually under- estimate how evil and cruel they are.

[blue eyes]

Hi, I could have written your post. My parents treated me like this like a child never trusting me to do anything, telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I was very dependent on them and lacked confidence. My mother was very critical of me all the time and seemed to be very angry. My father was easy going but he sometimes behaved like you describe your father, looking through hinges etc. I have never told anyone that its horrible and creepy. Also, I had many abusive friends and family members who were quite vile to me. I thought this was normal and that I must be horrible. I ended up in an abusive relationship for over twenty years. I knew he was hurting my feelings but I thought it must be something I was doing wrong to deserve that. It was only when he was horrible to my lovely innocent little dog and I witnessed his mother being very nasty to her grandson’s girlfriend that it all clicked into place and I realised it wasn’t me. Then I started to do google searches found various sites and links and started to read. I eventually left him, and then I started to realise hang on if they are abusive then these friends and family members who are behaving in the same way must be too. It was a complete shock, I couldn’t understand why everyone was suddenly being horrible to me. The thing was they probably always had been like that I had only just started to see it. The stress was terrible and I lost my memory. I got rid of about ten friends gradually over a few years and the vast majority of my family. I keep in touch with only a handful of cousins now and even then I am very careful of what I say and do as they are quite covert. Its very hard and sometimes lonely but it was the only way I could heal and concentrate on myself because every time I was around them I would become distraught and I would slip back into comfort eating and lack self care. I will give you an example of my cousins’ behaviours, one of them spat into someones food once. I was upset about forthcoming medical treatment and another of them said you will have to toughen up and her husband proceeded to tell me in vivid detail just what the procedure would entail, another came to hospital to visit my mother when she was desperately ill and while sitting by her hospital bed proceeded to mock me about my weight. I actually stood up and screamed at her and told her what I thought of her and one of the patients relatives said well done good for you, One of my proudest finest moments sticking up for myself. Inevitably I ended up being the villain to the rest of them, but that was one of the turning points for me to get rid of the lot of them. My dad died a few years ago and I am more or less the full time carer for my mother. I have had to learn to do everything, cook clean shop by myself. Because of my parents babying me and all the bullying and abuse I was a wreck a shell who had panic attacks in public who was scared to walk anywhere and didn’t get the bus.
Now after a lot of no contact and having to look after my mum, who is different with me now I have had to stand on my own to feet and to my surprise I have found I can cope very well. I have gained in confidence I go out to places on my own and I volunteer with lovely people. All I needed was to get rid of the abusive people in my life. x

[blue eyes]

Hello Poppy,
I can identify so much with everything you have described. I am disabled as well,have problems with walking. I have described on here what my first abusive partner put me through, tormenting me because of it. He also strangled me. I ended up with a second abusive partner too. During the first relationship I was made to feel like dirt that I was horrible repulsive no one wanted me. I became so worn down and depressed. I felt like I couldn’t cope or manage without him even though I was so unhappy. I never knew if he was going to be nice or nasty and he hated me being ill. I have been away from both of them for a few years now and what do you know, despite still being disabled I find I can cope very well on my own.Better than ever to be honest. I don’t have them dragging me down making life twice as hard for me. If I am ill I can rest or do whatever it is I need to do without being moaned at. I go out all the time now, whereas before he/they wouldn’t take me out, wouldn’t drive. I just get taxis or when I feel able I get the bus. I have lost a lot of weight without really trying. I don’t comfort eat and sit on the sofa all day worrying. I cook now. I go for walks and I can walk quite a way because I can go at my own speed without being bullied for walking slowly. I used to have panic attacks out in the street because I couldn’t keep up with him. I volunteer now in a few places, I have interests and hobbies, go to talks theatre the cinema,often on my own. People are nice and they help if they see me struggling.E.g. people in shops help me pack my bags, the taxi drivers carry my shopping into the house,the medical staff are kind and supportive, the people at my volunteer job get me cups of tea and a seat to sit on little things like that Life is better away from the abuse. I wish I had done it years ago. It took me a very very long time to be brave enough to do it but if I can, you can too. You would cope probably better than you ever thought possible you know,once you are away from the cruelty and abuse. Keep posting. We understand. Take care xxx

[blue eyes]

I used to run after my first ex saying what’s the matter? what’s wrong? getting upset when he went into his sulky strop worrying about what I had done wrong. He used to say nothings wrong he was fine but his face would be tripping him up.I would get very anxious and distressed. One day I didn’t react I just kept being happy getting on with things ignoring the sulk talking to him and he said (detail removed by moderator). It was just a tactic of control just a means of getting attention and getting me to behave and do what he wanted. There was nothing wrong. He was getting off on making me upset, enjoying my distress as I ran around after him.The second ex stopped speaking to me after I challenged his behaviour. I have had the silent treatment for (detail removed by moderator) from him. Ridiculous behaviour really, I can see that now( after a long period of distress and torment) and also how his behaviour was just like his predecessor’s just more extreme, and again its about wining and being in control. I wish I could go back in time and point out to my younger self what they were doing. Spoiled boys not grown men. My advice to anyone dealing with this adolescent behaviour is to ignore them and get on with whatever you want to do instead. When they are not getting the attention they will stop.

 

[blue eyes]

I just wanted to say that my ex was very passive aggressive towards me in terms of health. I have found this with disordered family members too. They will not or resent having to help when you are ill. There isn’t much empathy there at all. They will deliberately withhold help and make life much more difficult than it needs to be. I used to feel under pressure to be well all the time. Sometimes they pretended not to understand how ill I was or used to down play it.

[blue eyes]

Hello Sunnyspells, I just wanted to say I got to the part where you said you started supporting his mental health for years being careful not to upset him and I thought,” here we go I recognize this”. Then the next few sentences where he wouldn’t discuss his feelings or what happened made me immediately think I bet he is having an affair. I read on and sure enough that is what you wrote. Your husband is like a mixture of my two abusive ex partners. They are so damn predictable these men lie all the time nothing makes sense. He wouldn’t discuss anything because he knew he couldn’t justify his behaviour so he pretended he was ill so he could get away with his shady behaviour. I have written accounts of my two relationships if you look back far enough on the boards. They are just cowards and very devious and manipulative. The more you read on here the more you will realise its not you and its absolutely not your fault. It’s him 100%. My two have tormented the life out of me for decades. I can’t believe what I put up with for so long- I tiptoed around my first ex, I tried to prove myself to him and I worried about him, thinking he had learning disabilities and my second ex I worried about him being forced to do errands for his friends when really he was just a liar obsessed with another woman. So you see they are all the same. Crafty blame shifters doing what suits them to further their own aims. I am still hurt – it takes a long time to fully appreciate just what they have done and the lengths they have gone to, to be deceitful and to get their own way. Now often I get flashes of anger and just feelings of disgust and I feel more often than not now that they are really just so pathetic its actually laughable. You have to concentrate on you now and your children. Develop hobbies go for walks focus on putting yourself first. The best revenge is living well and happily. x

[blue eyes]

I am having a really bad day today thinking about all of this again. I was just wondering if someone could have a read and give me some words of comfort. thanks in advance Blue eyes.

[blue eyes]

If you want to go to University, then you go. Take no notice of your mother. I was in exactly the same position as you all those years ago. My mother didn’t want me to go for her own selfish reasons and I put off going for three years. I went to university eventually and it was brilliant. It will be the making of you. You will meet lots of different people and you will gain confidence. Hang on to your own truth and dreams don’t let your mother dissuade you or knock your confidence. Don’t discuss it with her just carry on making your plans. Your sister and your father just want an easy life and no aggro from your mother. This is not fair you are allowed and entitled to do what makes you happy. Imagine being free of your mother how wonderful does that sound? Sometimes there is an element of jealousy with narc mothers.Maybe she is envious that you have the courage to do something exciting with your life, maybe she would have liked to do this but was scared. Maybe there is something missing in her life and she needs to have the control and power over you to make her feel better. It is wrong she shouldn’t stand in your way. You had the courage to escape one abuser- use that courage again. x

[blue eyes]

Well done Ariana, for having the courage to post on here. Keep doing that. Believe me I have been there, everyone on here has. Anytime you want support come on here. Also are you able to phone Woman’s Aid helplines? Rape Crisis also have helplines and listening support not just for sexual abuse but any form of emotional abuse and violence. It helps to talk to someone who has experienced this and understands but who won’t tell you what to do, they just listen and suggest things. It is scary but you are not on your own, there is help out there. x

[blue eyes]

No you are not an idiot. You have to decide what’s best for you. We will support you on here whatever decision you make. I think its good though to continue with your appointment with your support worker. Keep that going you will have someone to talk everything through with. Try also to shift the focus onto yourself see if you can develop some hobbies and interests of your own and spend time away from your partner just so you have space to breathe and think, maybe go for a walk or something. x

[blue eyes]

Hi Cornflower, you will find that everyone on here absolutely understands the feelings you describe. I do definitely. I spent years debating whether to go go or not, resolving to then losing courage the next morning or because he had started to be nice again. It would have been easier if he had been continually nasty then I would have known where I was. I was with my first one for over (detail removed by moderator) years, the second one a few months but he was worse and I was in a much worse state mentally with him and for the last few years afterwards. So for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years I have been tormented abused bullied. I have been in a dreadful state. I am on my own now and although its lonely especially on weekends, life has started to improve bit by bit. I volunteer in (detail removed by moderator), they are crying out for volunteers and they have casual registers for the odd days work which can eventually lead to jobs. This has made such a difference to me. I talk to people now and I am more confident. I wish I had done it years ago. Now its very rare for someone to be horrible to me, I would say its unusual. If I meet people like that now I move away. Whereas during the relationship my whole world was full of abusers, him, his mother, horrible “friends” I had. People treating me like dirt seemed normal and I thought I must be if they were like that to me. I haven’t got any close friends but I have acquaintances and work colleagues and I am more friendly and open to people now. Its never too late you know, don’t let worry about him or your family stop you saving yourself. I used to want to be rescued. I rescued myself in the end but I had support from Rape Crisis, not because of rape but because of domestic abuse, they provide support about that too. They were the first people in the real world I had come across that understood and got me. The women in the support group the other survivors were great and the volunteers and workers too. Its just about keeping searching for support. Some groups I went to didn’t feel right. Rape Crisis do the Freedom Programme too. You need time on your own, maybe can you find the time to go for a walk by yourself or can you develop a hobby so the focus can be on you a little bit. Its really hard, but try to think about yourself more and try to find support from Woman’s Aid or Rape Crisis, they have helplines. Rape Crisis have listening support. They can provide much needed validation. Also keep reading and posting on here. Good luck love Blue Eyes.x

[blue eyes]

I agree with you,everything you have said really resonates with me. The abuse nearly destroyed me. I didn’t realise how worried and upset my own dad was about me. He said that my ex had ruined my life. I spent so many wasted years running after my ex trying to figure him out trying to keep him happy, it took away time I should have spent with my dad and my dogs focusing on people and things who actually cared and loved me. I was so preoccupied with him I virtually ignored my dad. It must have been awful for my dad to see the state I was in. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight stopped looking after myself, didn’t do housework, just sat on the couch, didn’t go out was scared to get on a bus, no hobbies, scared of walking anywhere, was very depressed and angry, lost all my friends, argued with everyone,was unable to work, my health suffered, the list goes on. My dad died a few years ago and I still haven’t been able to cry or grieve properly because I am still tormented by my two abusive exes. I don’t see them now but everything that happened keeps playing in my mind. My poor dad is still being pushed to the side. Things have improved slightly, I have lost weight, I look after myself and my home now, I can get on a bus, I go out but its by myself because I still haven’t got any close friends. I do have some hobbies now and I volunteer in a few places in areas which are using my education. I have lost nearly 25 years though, what a waste of a life. I am lonely though, there’s no partner. I sometimes regret ending two relationships and the weekends are terrible. I am so pleased for you about your studies and your job, and I am sure your dad will be please to see that you are getting your life back together. I just wanted you to know I understand.x

[blue eyes]

I think I need to watch it again. I will have another go and post later.

[blue eyes]

Stick to the plan to take the room. It will give you space to think clearly, a chance to breathe and take stock and you will have somewhere safe to live away from his bedside knives. If he is serious about getting help and changing his ways then maybe you have a future. He needs to want to though and he needs to prove it to you consistently over a long period of time. You don’t want to be playing Russian roulette with your safety and life. x

[blue eyes]

Perhaps I am used to living with an extreme crazed mad man. I used to fire into him at the beginning laughing at his antics because they were so ridiculous, telling him off standing up for myself. It wasn’t her so much it was him (the actor) he wasn’t evil enough. It should have been one of my exes playing the part.

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