Secretlife

[Secretlife]

His behaviour is a form of control (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been experiencing this behaviour for many years and it has made me feel so utterly miserable and unhappy…… that’s how they want you to feel because they are inadequate and insecure people themselves. But, I’m pleased to say that since joining this forum and learning about abuse, I have tried to handle these situations differently. Although it is very hard to do, I simply don’t react at all! They do this because they want you to react and be affected by their sulking,so by showing no reaction at all and carrying on as if everything is fine, their plan isn’t working. It really isn’t easy to do but, slowly, over time, he’s stopped doing it as much and now it’s only occasionally. It’s also interesting to watch his reaction when I don’t react at all. The mood does get worse before it gets better as he’ll be trying so hard to get to you, but stick it out if you can, and keep doing this. I think with practise, and the more knowledge you gain about abuse, it does become easier to do. You’ll also get stronger emotionally and feel less confused about how he is treating you. I would recommend the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, this book changed my world. It provided me with an understanding of what I’d been experiencing for many years and I’m a stronger person now as a result of the book and this forum. Xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

I am so sorry to read your post and I wish I had the answer. It sounds like he wants you to be as miserable as he is feeling, and after last night he has succeeded. You’re not alone and have the support of everyone on here. I’m sure there’ll be some good advice from someone who is further on their journey than we are. I hope today is a better day. Sending love and a hug xx

[Secretlife]

Hello nbumblebee

I am so sorry things are so bad for you. You say you want to find a way of letting him know how he makes you feel. Unfortunately men like our husbands aren’t the least bit interested in how we feel, our feelings don’t matter to them. They choose to behave like they do, and know what they are doing, they are devious and manipulative. And, everything is always our fault, they take no responsibility. Personal experience has taught me that trying to explain is absolutely pointless, and indeed, all the books say this too. Getting into battle about your feelings is a waste of emotional energy, and it’s exhausting.

It is so very hard to keep going, as I am finding at times. Whatever you do, don’t give up your job as this is your only mental release and escape from being at home, it’s vital you keep going to work. I think if I were you I’d contact WA for support and help now, and advice on what to do and how to cope etc. Remember, you are getting stronger and that is what he doesn’t like. Keep going nbumblebee, don’t let him take everything away that you have worked so hard to achieve. Thinking of you and sending hugs xx

[Secretlife]

There is just one thing your husband is right about – the fact that you have changed. You will have changed the day you joined this forum. Your whole view on your relationship will never be the same again because you have learnt so much and now know that the way your husband behaves towards you is not normal or acceptable. You have learned that what you have been putting up with for years is not your fault and that you are not some crazy mentally deranged woman that he has made you out to be. You will never be the same person you were pre forum. You have started on a journey to become stronger and you are doing more things for yourself. He is losing control and cannot deal with this. His mission now is to stop you doing these things. Nbumblebee, don’t ever give up your job. You are doing so well. Although I don’t have the answers or the experience of many of the women on here, and I am still stuck with my abuser because I haven’t got the guts to leave…. yet, I do know for sure that I will NEVER be the person I was before joining this forum. It has completely changed my mindset. Try and stay strong and focused on your happiness. Sending you a hug xx

[Secretlife]

I think unless you’ve experienced domestic abuse yourself it’s very hard to understand what it actually feels like. I saw a highly qualified person and spent a large amount of money. Their advice to me was “to make the most of the good times as he will never change” – appalling advice, I now realise after joining this forum.

[Secretlife]

My situation is very similar to yours. One of the things that holds me back is having no one to support me. I don’t have family and although I have friends, they don’t live particularly close and wouldn’t be the same as family if I needed support, so this really keeps me trapped here. It will be helpful for me to see the replies to your post, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

I am sorry to read this. I can imagine how hurt you must feel about him speaking to a family member. Would it be worth opening up to this family member about exactly what is happening to you? They could become a good source of support for you? I do know what you mean about the evil look and I have taken advice from what the ladies are saying above. I do also find thesedays that when he is at his worst (usually after drinking) it actually fuels my determination to leave, and enables me to become just that bit more detached emotionally from him, which is a good thing in helping me build strength to one day leave. I really hope you have a better day today. Sending a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Secretlife]

I wish you lots of luck, you have done so well to get this far. Keep going and never look back. Stay positive and focused. Huge WELL done to you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you for sharing, I have noted what you say as I prefer to try alternative therapies before medication x

[Secretlife]

Thank you so much Grey Rock for sharing this. I have just failed at my first attempt to leave, but the fire within me is still burning and I desperately want to get out of this relationship. So, your post is enormously supportive and helpful as I need to look at doing and planning things differently in my next attempt. I don’t know what I would do without this forum and all the knowledge on it, once again, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Eggshells. I’m feeling more positive today. Your message is very inspiring, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Eggshells and Wants to Help for your replies. I’m realising this is not an option, I think I would go under mentally. I’m going to explore other options. I have been talking to my husband about a trial separation, I would have no intention of coming back, but he has agreed to help with rent (which I would of course get upfront from him). This would give me breathing space and the chance to start divorce proceedings and I would not then be living in the same house. Today, quite coincidentally a friend has said her tenant us leaving…… So, maybe there is a possibility – I am so scared, I’m almost frozen. I know I have to get myself out. Thank you ladies for your advice and support xxx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Hazydayz for this. It would certainly be very difficult, but things are difficult and very grim now! Your response has confirmed I do need to contact WA or similar for advice. Thank you, that information is good to be aware of as I move forward xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Whisky Rose. I will look at these websites. I have visited one solicitor for free advice, but may try a another one. I hope you’re OK and I wish you success in your efforts to sort things out. It’s an awful time isn’t it. Many thanks xx

[Secretlife]

All the responses above are really helpful and informative to me, particularly at the moment as I’m struggling. I will be reading them over several times. And this is why this forum is essential. Emotional abuse is something that few understand, until you are in the thick of it. So many women, like us, are living miserable lives. This forum provides not just understanding, but knowledge. This knowledge clears the smoke away and enables us to see the real abuser we are living with. We can then make choices about the rest of our lives. I don’t know how I would have survived without this forum, it changed my world and is helping me move forward to a better life. Thank you to everyone for all the support given.

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