selfish

[selfish]

Hi eyesopening,

I can only sympathise with you. I too have recently got into a relationship after leaving my abusive partner. The red flags seem to be multiplying, and I am pretty sure he is a functioning alcoholic. I question if 80% of the relationship is good, should I ignore my gut. I have to consider my kids though. We’ve just found our safe place, and they deserve better. It’s so hard, because I know by walking away I’ll probably be alone, but on the other hand I accepted that before and I was happy, possibly happier then I feel now. He’s putting a lot of pressure on me to ignore his drinking, but I don’t think I can.
I hope you have a clearer mind now and have made a decision.

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Hi lavenderLilly and all the other ladies that have replied.
I just wanted to say, I was in exactly this situation last year. My husband abused me for so long and so relentlessly I felt the world would have been better off without me. If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here. I found so much strength from conversations on here, that I just wanted to reach out. The housing situation was also my biggest concern, but I managed to get a lovely little house by declaring myself and children homeless. Can I suggest that you contact your local authority and explain the situation and see what their guidelines are. Once you know what’s happening with housing you can start making plans. Woman’s aid will be able to help you with safety planning. I put on an act for a couple of months until I left to stay safe. Keeping yourself and any children safe is the most important part of making a plan to leave. I think the biggest thing for me after leaving is coming home and being able to have that safe feeling. I always used to dread going back to my old house. I never knew which version of my ex I was going to come back to. I don’t have that now. What I also realised is he isn’t special. He is a textbook abuser. He is just the same as all the other abusers. His behaviour patterns, his control and manipulation, all of it was just predictable. I put him on a pedestal and I wanted to be better to make him happy, but he always wanted more. I was never enough. I just want all you ladies to know, YOU ARE ENOUGH. The types of men that bully and belittle others are not special and they will not change. I have a long journey ahead of me and getting away is hard, so please utilise all the support available, whether you decide to stay or go.
Take care and be safe. Xxxxx

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Thank you minimeerkat, You are right, I am still very raw, and probably looked to rush the healing process. I just feel like I looked so desperate doing it, even though a social media request isn’t even a big deal, particularly with mutual friends, but being ignored just triggered me more than if he just rejected the request. I think I wanted the distraction from what is going on with my separation, and to not have to face the reality of what I lived through. I cancelled the request last night as it felt like I was taking back some control. I’m sitting in my car trying to stop crying so I can go into the shops, and it’s hard to get the motivation to go in. The little bit of confidence I had to send the request is now gone and the urge to go home to bed is so strong, but I have to I can’t give in to it or I’ll never get better. Xx

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Thank you for the replies, and sorry for the silence, I’ve been really struggling. I know this has probably been a huge wake up call, and I appreciate all the efforts he is putting in to really change. I just can’t bring myself to forgive the past. I struggle every day to get up and do anything. I used to clean to help me through times like this, but when I do I get angry as it’s reminder of what I’m leaving behind, then I fall back down this black hole. Even doing the clothes washing is hard as I don’t see the point in putting it away, knowing that (hopefully) some time soon I’ll be packing it up. And the constant guilt is the worst, he is trying so hard but how can I erase years and years of abuse because of a couple of weeks of him being what he should have always been. I’ll always put him first if I stay, I’ll always put myself last, and it maybe is selfish to want to put my happiness ahead of his, but I’m also thinking of our kids, they are only now getting the dad he should have always been. They will be even more confused now on the split as all they have seen is him trying and trying and me shutting down. I can’t even cry anymore. I should be appreciative of how much he is fighting for us to stay, but I can’t. I know the easiest thing to do at the moment is stay, but in 5/10/15 years and our kids are grown and away from home, I know I’ll regret not taking this chance. I hate this, some days I just can’t even get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. It just feels pointless. Almost like I feel I should be punished and made to feel rubbish by him, as this is by far the worst thing I could do to him. For years I have been shouted at, ignored, had things thrown at me for what feels like minor things, and now it’s a major thing and I’m waiting for the consequences and they are not coming. Then I feel ridiculous for even thinking like that, but it’s almost like I’ve been controlled and conditioned to act and behave a certain way, and now I’m slowly getting free I’ve lost my way and I have this voice telling me I’ll never manage. I’m just so useless and what right have I to take away his right to be a father. Especially the father he is being now, but I can see the same trauma bonds in them as I have in me. The constant need to please him, and make him happy. In one of my children it’s almost an unhealthy need to please him and be around him to keep him being happy. They are so scared to be apart in case something happens outwith their control to annoy him and change him back to what he was. I want more than anything to break free. Not have this pit of anxiety in my stomach.
I’m sorry AloneWolf that you are having a bad time. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
StongLife, thank you. I decided a while ago I needed to leave, but housing is quite complicated and could take some time. XxX

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Icantdothisanymore, from my experience I feel like perhaps the reason you have reached out here is to find that encouragement and strength you need to make suitable plans to leave, and you are ready, but understandably you need reassurance from others who are or have been in similar situations. You are strong, you can tell from your words you are a protective mama bear, who wants the best for her child, and you know that leaving is the best. Not too long ago I was in the exact turmoil you are in. I couldn’t stay, but also couldn’t see a way to leave. So I looked into how I could leave, and what I’d be entitled to. Have you reached out to your GP or local council about available support? Looking at your options doesn’t mean you have to make a decision, just means you have an out if you want.
Xxx

[selfish]

This is exactly what I think is going to happen, and it is so validating to have you all supporting me. At the moment I don’t think he fully accepts I’m going, I don’t think he sees the severity of how much he has broke me. I feel worthless, he has made me feel that way. I couldn’t survive living here forever, I am so desperate to get away and start to heal. I also know it will be a longer journey for me as I’ll have to cope with the gossip about me ‘taking the kids away and not even giving him a chance’. I’m so grateful for this safe space, where I can speak to others who know (sadly) how I’m feeling. Xxx

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Wildandfree, thank you. You are probably well aware of the anxieties around leaving, and I fully believe he will play the victim, as he thinks he is. I’m very lucky that the people I care about that I’ve told have had a sigh of relief. They noticed a long time ago and have been worried ever since. I can’t bring myself to tell them everything and like you I do minimise it. Although what I do tell I see people’s reactions, and I know I’m doing the right thing. I do find myself comforting them as they feel bad for not intervening earlier. It’s hard to explain that it wouldn’t have helped as I needed to come to this realisation on my own. I would be too ashamed to tell people the full truth as they would judge me for staying so long.
I am exactly the same about not wanting to badmouth. People will see him trying to change and probably being upset, and then if they see me, I won’t be upset so I know to an outsider I will look heartless. On the other hand, I know how to separate my emotions and hide how I’m feeling as I’ve had many years to practice.
It’s so inspiring being able to talk to someone who has been through it, and feels that freedom I hope to feel very soon. Xxx

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Thelastoftheswallows. Whilst reading your story, so much of it resonates with me. My husband too is very controlling, goes into a rage and can be violent. It’s taken me a long journey to get to this point, but I am leaving. We are still living together whilst I wait for a house, but not as a couple. I can’t tell you what a weight off my shoulders it is. It was a complete accident how he discovered my plans to leave, but actually he seems to be taking it well now, and promising to work on himself and anger but I know I’m done. He is being the nicest he’s ever been to me, and treating me like a human being, but nothing now will get me to stay. I can feel from your words you are at a similar stage to me and it’s working out the logistics of leaving more than the worry of leaving your husband. As so many wise woman have said to me, he has noticed a shift in you, and i always think this is when you finally recognise it’s abuse, and he is clutching at straws to keep you. The fact you have a cycle of abuse shows that he knows right from wrong, so please never think it was your fault, or that you are difficult to live with, this is not the case. It’s just a way to excuse bad behaviour. Keep updating us, and I hope you can find a safe way to leave and find your self worth again. Xxx

[selfish]

Galabeee, best of luck.
I ended up telling my husband, and after lots of talking and crying I think he’s accepted it’s over and I’m moving out once a house comes up. The relief overwhelms me which supports me in my decision to leave. I can’t forgive the past, and even with the promises to change (and I hope he does) it’s too little too late.
I’m now dealing with another anxiety, a referral from someone I trusted, has gone through to Social Work regarding the kids witnessing the abuse. It’s a huge worry and was a step backwards as I feel like I’ve lost a bit of control over things.
Hopefully things go ok this weekend. I don’t think we realise our own strength until we are faced with these situations. I know for me, I feel freer than I did a week ago. If anything good comes out of this, it’s that he will work on his issues to be the best dad to our kids. Xxx

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Camel, thank you for your honesty and for helping me see the bigger picture. Thinking about it, I can never trust that he won’t lash out at me or the kids again. Has he ever hit me in a rage…no, but on the other hand he has pushed me, slapped me, towel whipped me, pinched my (detail removed by moderator), spanked me all in ‘fun’. I’ve had things thrown at me in a rage, and countless items of mine have been broken. My things are worthless. He’s ruined pretty much all special occasions for me, or my friends and family. As well as the control and gaslighting. This house is his castle, and we are to treat him with respect. So you are right, the slate cannot be wiped clean just because he’s decided to act nicer. He isn’t helping me more, still expects everything to be done for him. But he is at least speaking to me like he would any other person, like an actual human. I know I’m not happy, I don’t actually like him. We have completely different views on life and raising children. I tried to change to fit what he had wanted, but I think all it’s done is harm our children. I think it’s hard as family members see the nice caring side. They don’t see the side I see. It’s confusing for everyone as I’ve hidden the abuse for years and years. I’ve gone along with his narrative and never wanted anyone to see him in a negative light, for fear of repercussions. I always felt I was so lucky, and if I hadn’t been so annoying we would never of had those fights. I was always grateful to him for putting up with me, and for not being a cheater or an alcoholic (I have previously dated both). I do worry that I’ll struggle to cope after I’ve left as for such a long time I’ve had to ask for permission to buy or do anything. He’s looked after all aspects of our life. I’m so grateful for you and everyone in this forum for taking the time to reply and give me the confidence to leave. I would have lost my confidence a long time ago. Xxx

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StrongLife, that is so helpful and assuring. Everything you explain is what I dream of. The thought of coming home to a house where I’m not shouted at, made fun of or belittled is the goal. My husband gets my kids to join in, and I just feel like verbal beating bag. I can’t wait for the day I can do a food shop and not worry I’ve picked the wrong thing. Or have friends round and not worry about them being made to feel unwelcome. He thinks it’s beneath him to help me with anything, and that attitude is rubbing off on my children and I want them to realise that it’s not nice or big to treat people the way I am treated. Please keep posting as it really helps to hear the positive side of getting away. Xx

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Galabeee, how are you getting on? I am very lucky I have a support worker from woman’s aid who is helping me navigate everything. Unfortunately he lost his job due to his aggression and now he is home 24/7, and although not quite questioning everything I do, seems to be suspicious of me. Whilst at the moment I am managing as the kids are at home, I do worry about how it will be when they go back to school. The small jabs at me are reoccurring now, but he’s still being so nice to the kids, and I find that harder as they will miss him more now when I finally get away. How can I keep up the momentum to go when I have to be around him all the time. It’s clear I’m being manipulated, as he seems to be ignoring a lot of things I do that never would have been ignored before. All I want is for him to loose his temper so I can see it’s been an act.
StrongLife, thank you. It’s reassuring to know it gets better. Thankfully I have a great GP, who has added in some extra medication to help me, I am now on 3 different types of Antidepressants just to get through the days, and I’m still jumpy. I feel like I’m in a constant state of alert, always making sure I have my keys close in case I need to get away. However now everything is just more difficult as even going for an appointment I have to make an excuse and I’ve never lied before for fear of the consequences. Now I feel like I’m sneaky and lying all the time and it makes me question if I am the abuser. I’ve never spoken badly about him as I wanted to protect him, but now explaining his behaviour is hard as I keep thinking he’s going to find out and I will be in huge trouble. Xx

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BlueberryField, are you still with your partner? How are you coping? my head is saying he hasn’t changed. He has been let go from his work due to aggression, and this is a constant occurrence, and now it doesn’t even shock me anymore. I hear him telling people his side and I think he actually believes his own lies. My heart wants to believe for the kids he has changed, as they will be so disappointed if he returns to his old ways. Xxx

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HaPea, I’m so sorry you are going through this too. It’s horrible and my kids are the only reason I am holding on. I look at him and feel nothing. I keep secrets about kids achievements as they are my happiness and I don’t want to share them with him. I feel selfish and bad all the time. I used to get a break when he went to work, but now he’s not got a job so I don’t even have that. That longed for break has gone and now I feel even more trapped than before. I just feel the walls are closing in and I can’t see the door anymore. Xxx

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Doodlelover, I’m hoping someone with more experience of drug abuse might be able to help. However, I don’t think you can ever guarantee this will never happen again. It might not, or it might escalate if something sets him off? I wish I could tell you if they can change but I genuinely don’t know. I have based my decision to leave on how I feel. Not any what ifs in the future. And it’s hard, trying to stay strong whilst he is actually showing me some respect. But I know I still fear him and I don’t think it will ever go away. My kids are at an age now they have witnessed things that kids shouldn’t see, and it affects them.
What you have been through sounds horrifying, have you spoken to anyone to support you? It can’t be easy with this going on and looking after 2 very young children. Keep talking and asking questions, it all helps. Sending you hugs xxx

[selfish]

I haven’t left yet, but I’ve been making plans to, and hopefully will soon. I know if I’m strong enough to get away, I’ll be gone. Will only have minimal contact for the kids sake. I’m done. For me it wasn’t even one big thing that opened my eyes, it was just daily name calling and blame, and i don’t know why but I started to research abuse, and it clicked. Stories from woman whose experiences of abuse was exactly what was happening to me. And when I finally opened up to a friend, although not they were not surprised, they were shocked at the extent of what was happening. It opened my eyes to how my children were affected, and my relationships with friends and family. Now I can’t forgive him. He’s trying hard, as he found out some of my plans, but everyday I’m a bit more sad, more empty, and the feeling this could be my life overwhelms me. All I can say is trust your instincts, it’s taken me over half my adult life to get to this place, I wouldn’t have been ready even 6 months ago, I had to see it for myself, and realise how badly it affected me.
I’m wishing you the best, and please keep talking. It helps. Xxx

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StrongLife, I needed to read this today. I am feeling so sad today, like I’m trapped here now as I can’t see a way to leave when he is being so nice. It’s so much harder as he knows my reasons for being unhappy and changed himself to everything I said scared me. I’m not happy though, this is all I wanted a couple of months ago, and now I don’t see how I can go on having a lifetime of this, for me and the kids. I wake each day hoping today is the day he’ll be angry, today I’ll have the perfect reassurance and reason to go, and every day I’m overwhelmed by sadness when he pushes himself to be nicer than the day before. Like a game, the sadder I am, the nicer he is, and he is winning. I don’t know who I am. Did I dream the anger, he is a stranger to me, and now I feel like the abuser as I can’t give him the happy ending he wants. Xxx

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Ricepudding, how are you this morning? You are strong and can get through this. Have the Crisis team been in contact with you? Housing can take a while (I am currently waiting for a house), and I can sympathise with how difficult it is waiting, knowing you are done, but stuck in the limbo stage feeling trapped like you have no where to turn. Our stories gave many parallels, as my husband also found out my plans to leave and the next day it’s like it never happened and he’s been nothing but nice ever since. Also the road rage, I fear for my life any time I get in the car with him. I avoid it as much as possible as I have so many memories of situations where the outcome could have been devastating.
Please stay strong, eventually housing will come through and you can begin to heal. Be kind to yourself and if you need to cry then do it. Although I got some advice recently that tears just feed the monster, and don’t give him the satisfaction. He has taken enough away from you. Know that every day now is one step closer to freedom and one step less from feeling trapped.
Keep talking, we understand the complexity of this planning to leave. Xxx

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Jedi Warrior, oh gosh, yes I sympathise completely. I’m so sorry this happened to you. No is not an option here either, never has been. I just get on with it in the hope that I can relax after it’s done. It’s so hard to label it, isn’t it. I’m sure if I said no he wouldn’t pin me down, but he would either sulk, or nag me, I just know not to say no, as the consequences always feel worse than just getting it over and done with. As some point it will happen.
Honestly just dreading all the days. I can’t forgive him and I don’t want to even try. I’m just done. He’s being so nice and reasonable, and I think he presumes just having sex with me constantly will make be happy again, and it’s the complete opposite. He’s so self involved though he can’t see anyone else’s feelings, only his own. Xxx

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Wildandfree, thank you for your encouragement. I can’t wait for a day in the future when I can relax and not have my heart sink every time I hear my ‘so lovely’ (insulting) nickname being shouted because of something I have or haven’t done. I’m am very nervous and anxious for the day I can actually leave. I know I’ll have many times between now and then I loose faith I can do it. I do have that attachment to him I’m struggling to break, because for a large majority of my adult life he has been my everything. I have spent that time trying hard to keep him happy, as his happiness was my happiness, if he wasn’t happy it would be my fault, everything would be my fault, and therefore my job to beg for forgiveness. I’ve lost all sense of myself and suddenly having to fend for myself and my children feels very daunting, and finding out who I am away from his control petrifies me. I never thought I’d leave, and I’ll grieve the person he is being at the moment.
I really appreciate you sharing your story as it gives me strength to know it’s possible to leave and be happy, and not have your life defined by someone else. Xxx

[selfish]

PS, I forgot to say lost lady, my husband is also charming to others and very manipulative. We have kids and I have stayed for as long as I have because I wanted to protect them. I’m constantly intervening early when they are doing something he doesn’t like, so he doesn’t get mad and scare us all. However, my children have started showing clear signs of anxiety, and it breaks my heart. This is giving me the push to leave.
What I was going to add is, I’ve been doing a lot of background planning, telling relevant people what has been going on behind closed doors for decades…and not one person doubted me, most were not surprised and were very emotional that I’ve finally seen him as the abuser he is. They have been worried for so long, but never wanted to say anything as I always just spoke about what a great husband and father he was. I was told that it is highly unlikely that they would award one parent full custody of the children, and they have professionals who have so much experience with similar situations that they won’t be easily taken in by manipulation. It’s scary, and if I could keep my children 24/7 with me I would, but I know that’s not realistic and I will have to ensure when they are with me, they know they are safe and we have consistency and love. I fully expect to be bad mouthed by him and he will be the fun parent, who buys them gifts and lets them stay up late, but I’ll be the constant in their lives and as they grow older they will appreciate that.
Sending you lots of strength. Xxx

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Lost lady, I feel your pain. Absolutely. There are so many parallels in all our stories, and it’s heartbreaking. I hid the abuse for many many years from everyone. I couldn’t see it for myself and I always had an excuse to why something happened. I couldn’t tell you when or what changed, it wasn’t a big incident, just suddenly I decided I was done, and I have been in the process of getting everything in order so hopefully one day very soon I can leave with the kids. I am on so much medication to deal with my nerves. I’ve stopped going in the car with him as he has terrible road rage and I know that one day he’ll cause an accident and it will be my fault. I have so many bad experiences from being in the car with him, and there have been times that if it wasn’t for the other drivers being sensible I wouldn’t be here today.
Please be strong and realise this is all on him. Another lady has recommended a book by Emma Rose Byham, ‘Was it even abuse – restoring clarity after covert abuse’ and it is life changing. It’s made me see that his behaviour is not ok, it’s text book abuse. It’s control, and it’s wrong. From him ruining special occasions, to micro and macro patterns and why it’s not easy to leave, they deliberately make it hard. I downloaded it on my phone so he wouldn’t see it, and if you can, you should definitely read it.
Please keep talking, it helps. We are all here and understand your situation As we too have lived or are living through the same thing.
Xxx

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Oh gosh guys, it looks like a recurring theme, I’m so sorry you are in the same situation. I would love to have the freedom to say no, but even if I’m on my period he’ll expect other stuff. I really do have to keep things ‘normal’ until I can leave, but it’s so typical that now I’m distant and sad, he suddenly wants it to go on forever and I hate it. I could cope before as he made no effort with me, and I could just zone out and think about what I need to do for the rest of the day. Now it’s different and he’s all over me, like he thinks he’s won and I’m never going to leave, and this is meant to impress me. I’m just dreading it.
And the guilt is still eating me up, like he thinks it’s all ok, and either he is completely oblivious to my mood, or he’s choosing to ignore it. Either way, I wish he would just give up the act. For years and years, this is all I would have wanted, the constant calm, and next to no name calling or fat shaming, but I know it’s an act now, in fact rather than complete disappointment when he stops I’ll welcome the rage and put downs. What bothers me most is it’s the kids who are confused. He can’t see that they get hope that he’s going to be happy and they start to relax, so when it does change it’s even worse.
I don’t think I’ve felt this low in a long time. I feel like my whole life at the moment is consumed with guilt and sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, and doubts, and now with the days coming up we have together it’s going to be constant.
We can stay strong together, and know that we deserve more than this. I got news today that a friend from years ago sadly died, he was very young and it was very unexpected and sudden. It’s shows that life is precious and we deserve to be happy. In the future I would love to reflect on this new upcoming chapter as a time I finally discovered who I am, and remember laughing and having spontaneous outings with my friends not family. Not being trapped and sad, living for the days he’s at work, and those few hours I have alone with the kids.
Sending positive thoughts to you all. Xxx

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Thank you so much, reading these words of encouragement really helps, especially as I know you are going through or been through the same thing. It’s horrible, and more than anything I want my kids to be happy and safe. I can see some behaviours that are clearly because of the environment at home. Not having the consistency of the same person walking through the door is affecting them.
He doesn’t see things from anyone else’s point of view but his own. Although he’s acting being sickly sweet, it makes me feel smothered. He checks up on me more, wants to have s*x constantly, and it makes my skin crawl, because I know it’s his way of making sure I don’t leave. He has no consideration for anything but making sure I fall back under his control again.
Although I’m the background I know there is always the threat of rage I’m not scared anymore, I’m scared for my kids, but not for me. I would welcome the day he stops talking to me, and I’ve got to keep my distance because that is better than this. I just have to do what I need to do until I can leave, and I am so thankful for your support. Xxx

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Evening, I firstly wanted to just thank you all for the replies. I was in such shock after him finding out, and he was making sure I felt guilty. The following day when I was alone I just had a complete breakdown as I felt crushed, and petrified that I’d never get away. I’d ended up begging him to forgive me, and I felt so ashamed. However now a few days later it seems all forgotten, and back to calm and overly nice. Now I can reflect on what he said to me I realise it was all about him, he didn’t ask about anything he could do, it was all about how I can change, and how I’d broken the trust.
What I’m most confused about (and angry at myself) and I’m really hoping someone can relate, when I’m away from him (and probably the home) I am so sure of my choice. I feel strong and confident that I’m doing the right thing. However when I’m around him, I still want to please him, and all my confidence disappears and I just pander to him, and question if I should stay as maybe it’s not that bad. It’s especially bad now I’ve heard his reasoning for past behaviour, and the fact he is being so nice now I’ve no right to judge him on past experiences. I’m so confused, and like most woman, I feel like I’m waiting for the next blow up, just so I can say I’m done. I think his best behaviour will last longer now though as he’ll want to think he’s won and I’m not leaving. Xxx

[selfish]

Nbumblebee, I stayed for a lot longer than I should have, but I guess I needed to be completely done before leaving as I knew I couldn’t go back. Be kind to yourself, it’s so easy to be pulled back in with many promises and the hope that it will be better. One day I just realised that I had 2 choices, he had worn me down to the point of feeling so empty, useless, and believing the world would be better without me, or I could leave and put my kids and myself first and build a new life. I think I had to get to that point or I couldn’t have left. I’ve found some of the best things I have done is once I was making plans to leave I started to write down episodes straight after they happened. A lot of the worst times I have just blanked out. I know these things happened, but I cannot recall them, my memory is absolutely shattered. He tried so hard to get me to stay, but I knew if I didn’t take this chance, I would be stuck forever. Just keep safe and keep talking, whatever you decide, know that others know exactly what you are going through.

Thank you for all the kind words. After getting our home, I think I have struggled with the aftermath of all the stress. I just feel so tired, I’m just sleeping all the time. Living on edge and flight or flight for so many years and not getting a moment to reflect, is very surreal.

[selfish]

Hi GalaBeee, how are you?
I’m not great. Every day is a struggle and waiting on housing is so much harder than I expected. Every day that passes I seem to go further and further into this black hole, and my whole life feels consumed by the guilt of what I’m doing, and I’m waiting and hoping that something will come up and I can leave so I can finally work on healing. I couldn’t even find the words to come on here, as I just feel empty. I have been thinking about you all, and hoping that you are all ok, or as ok as you can be. XxX

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Bananaboat, this is exactly what I need to hear. I feel very selfish about thinking about me and my happy ending, as I know he thinks I should suck it up and stay. It’s all about him. How it will make him so in happy, how he wants to have the kids at home, how I would be betraying him by leaving. I don’t think once he has given a moment to ask me what I want, or why I’m sad. I feel trapped and suffocated, and at the moment I’m living with a stranger as I don’t recognise this person he is being. Even a family member thinks we should be able to sort it out as all families have up and downs. I doubt myself now, like have I focused on the bad times, were they that bad. All I know at the moment is I’m so grateful for my children. If they didn’t need me, I don’t think I could go on living like I am. Xxx

[selfish]

Aww Galabeee, I can feel your conflicting emotions. I am exactly the same. The feeling of being trapped in a completely different way is overwhelming and so hard to cope with. Nbumblebee has summed it up, they need us. They know that, and they have gone back to how they were when we met them and romancing us again to pull us back in, and it’s suffocating. I feel smothered all the time, as he is not someone I know, a stranger who wants to be intimate with me. Just like the beginning though, surely we will encounter something so stressful that he can’t hide behind the mask. Although I will welcome the normality of that day, I fear it also as it will be weeks or months of pent up anger he has hidden. We need to keep strong, and speaking to each other as I believe this is where we get the strength to keep on the right track xxx

[selfish]

Oh goodness Galabeee, our situations seem to be in alignment with each other. For weeks now he has been kind and patient. Even after he found out I had been thinking of leaving, when the initial shock wore off, he ignored the whole thing and suddenly he is being the model husband and (mostly) parent. Suddenly my opinion means something, and I’m getting some form of manors too. If this had happened 3 months ago I would have been over the moon, but I’m just so sad and I feel broken, like why now? He knows I am sad, but won’t even broach the subject of why. I struggle to face him each day, as I don’t want to, and I’m so scared I change my mind. I feel this is the only shot I have at going, but leaving now after he seems to genuinely be trying feels impossible and cruel. I can’t even act ‘normal’ as I can’t remember what that was. I’m just so desperate to leave, and every day I think, today is the day his mask will slip, but then he is nicer than the day before. In the back of my mind I know if he cared about me, he would notice that I’m just going through the motions and ask if I want to leave. I think I’ll never get away, and if my kids didn’t need me, I just really wouldn’t see the point in living. My life has been taken away bit by bit, and now what’s left is just a robot trapped in a human body. My life as been consumed by his moods, and trying my absolute hardest to make him happy, and now he’s happy and treating me like an human. It’s sad that I can’t enjoy it, and it’s sad that at this point
I would do anything to see his temper. He knows now to watch everything he is saying and doing so I don’t have any excuse to go. It’s so hard as this is a man 3 months ago I loved so much and I would never have wanted to see our relationship for what it really was.
We need to stay strong, surely at some point they won’t be able to control themselves and we will see what we know is underneath this niceness. But it’s hard, I completely understand that. In a way this is harder than the actual abuse, as we have been conditioned to believe when something goes wrong, it’s our fault and we will be punished. This is against all our instincts that we must make this right and make sure he feels secure again.
I don’t know how I missed your message about the counselling and I just wanted to say, I’ve been reading an amazing book, recommended by someone here ‘was it even abuse’ by Emma Rose Byham, and she explains beautifully how people who don’t understand this cycle of abuse look for 1 big episode to explain it all. It’s a bit like reading one page of a book and expecting to understand the plot. Impossible. It is a whole mixture of micro elements (that on a daily basis have worn us down) which lead to Macro elements, which we try so hard to avoid. Unless they have experienced your life and known the effects, they are in no place to victim shame or place blame on any of your actions. I have seen how people react to even the small everyday comments I have opened up about, but still I have no confidence myself that what I’ve experienced hasn’t been of my own doing. Or that I’ve pushed him to that point and really
It wasn’t that bad. How can someone who seems to be so nice be the monster I have in my head. Did I live in an alternate reality where I imagined everything.
It’s only through speaking to others on here that I realise our fears and experiences are valid. Hearing from those who have left and reflecting on what they have gone through is so inspiring. I hope that soon we will help others too.
I am hoping you feel stronger today. Xxx

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