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Hi. People witnessed my daughter’s father’s behaviour towards me when he was on the telephone to me, and he was unaware I was in company. They never said anything to me other than ‘just as well’ we weren’t together. I think what is beneficial is when you learn about something like Women’s Aid and domestic abuse and can go and read something up on it and recognise what is happening and KNOW that there is help out there for you to reach out to when you feel you can. So you can see that there is a bigger picture to this and its not just your own relationship but something that happens widely. Then you don’t have to walk around feeling like its just you. I remember a young woman I saw once in a town centre and the man she was with, presumably her boyfriend, was being a bully with her. I stopped and lingered, looking at her and I saw that she saw me and must have seen the look of concern on my face. I didn’t know what to do because I thought if I interfere in any way it could have made things worse for her and I made sure he didn’t see me looking (I pretended I was rummaging through my bags). I wished I’d had a card in my pocket with the local domestic abuse advisory service on it, but even if I had managed to pass it to her who knows how he might have blown up if he had become aware of it? So I just waited uncertainly until they went back inside a shop.

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Thankyou, ladies, for your replies. I think I would describe it the way you have too. It is a slowly destructive thing that kills you on the inside and yes, makes life feel like its not worth living. Its a mental prison. Its very hard to hold onto positive feelings of joy or happiness or hope. I realised I had stopped genuinely smiling or laughing. Belief in all those valuable qualities such as trust or loyalty are lost, as well as self-confidence and self-esteem. Its a prison that we must find our way out of and see a future where we have all those good feelings back and can start to believe in other people again. I think in my case, when I seemed to be functioning okay on the outside people didn’t see what it is that I was struggling with on the inside, so when I tried to tell them, perhaps they thought i was doing okay. Its changed me and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again but I do think I can be happy again and regain my positivity. Take care everyone. xx

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Hi. Its not worth waiting around for him to take any responsibility for his behaviour in his relationship with you. Its easy to say ‘i love you’ but actions speak louder than words. It just sounds like typical abusive behaviour. Misuse you, tell you he loves you, but behave in a way that hurts you and doesn’t accept any responsibility for it and, in fact, claims you’re just as bad. He’s probably this way with anyone else when it suits him. I doubt he sees it that you’ve forgiven him, more that you’ve exposed him. What if he got back together with you because he wanted to cover up his behaviour and show people that he couldn’t have been that bad because you’re now back together only for him to then leave you because he actually doesnt mean a thing he says. Is his life on the up? What a shallow life he’s really leading though, behaving the way he does, hurting the people who care about him, letting you think he still cares but behaving in every way to show you that he thinks you’re worthless. Of course he’s going to tell you how people support him and see it from his side. He’s not going to let you feel good about yourself. He’s an abusive person and they don’t behave like that unless its part of an agenda to reel you back in and abuse you some more. I found out that my daughter’s father was seeing other women while we were engaged and after our child was born. He has never acknowledged it even though I know it. He doesn’t think I have any right to an equal relationship, thats his problem. One standard for him, and another for me. If i complained, I would be being unreasonable, irrational and he would ‘leave me’ for someone less jealous. I actually wasnt jealous but when you have a child you want a stable environment. But can you see how he turned the truth on its head and confused the issue by making his irresponsible and deceitful behaviour be about my ‘jealousy’? That’s what they do, turn it on its head and project back onto you. Another thing, he threatened me relentlessly for several years refusing to make a financial contribution towards his daughter’s upbringing and his reason? He claimed that I was bad with money because I was always broke. I was always broke because I had had to give up working to raise my daughter and because he, who was working, refused to contribute financially. I’m just trying to give examples of how an abusive person can twist the truth to cover their own back. Is it really worth your precious time wrestling with his mentality?

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Hello, Benson. I want to acknowledge that I have felt like you have, so that you know you are not alone. I used to think about packing a suitcase and just taking off. I used to ring Parentline so much that they used to recognise my voice ‘Oh, I think I’ve spoken to you before…’. I used to just get through every day, tell myself, just get to the end of this day. Then a good day would come along. I felt guilty about it but now I look back and realise what I was having to cope with, not just bringing up a child, but dealing with an abusive man, always in the background trying to push back at me, threatening to destroy my life, willing to use anything to frighten me, even the safety of his own child. Anyway, my daughter is growing up and I am starting to feel more optimistic. I am very changed because of the abuse, but I do think I have earned the right to call myself a survivor. I didn’t used to like that term, but it means something to me now. I am thinking about booking myself in for some counselling session because I want to regain a more positive state of mind and deal with the issue of fear in my life. I’ve been so afraid at times that its been paralysing for me. I don’t want to talk about him, I want to talk about me and what i’d like my life to be moving forward. When I’ve had memories, or feel fear creeping up on me, I’ve been telling myself to put it away in a box and not look at it for ‘x’ amount of time and focus on something that makes me feel good. I’ve found that helps, especially at nighttime, because i’ve had trouble sleeping. When I go to bed, I say, right, now think about something good, and that’s how I fall asleep (for me eating a little something that’s warm and a warm drink also help). I’m also thinking about complementary therapies, I used to be really into aromatherapy and massage but I let it go years ago, in fact I havent been looking after myself at all, not like I used to, so I’m thinking about that again. A friend once told me, do something nice for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive, even if its just buying yourself a new soap or a small,scented candle. Just something to look forward to at the end of your day, because getting a pat on the back or some form of acknowledgement from someone else is a rarity, I’ve found. The bottom line for me has been my daughter; love for my child, to keep going for her, even when I felt dead inside. Now, I am beginning to think I have a future too, one in which I don’t feel afraid of him and he can’t get to me.

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Why does it have to be black and white? If you recognise aspects of your own behaviour were unacceptable then you can change that or you can decide that being in a relationship is not good for you at this moment in time. Domestic abuse relates to a particular pattern or behaviour which is about power and control where one person takes control and victimises the other. I can suffer with depression. When I feel myself going ‘down’ I can panic and I find myself fighting not to slip down further. Sometimes I’ve had to apologise or explain to people to just leave me alone because I’m struggling to cope because I can feel myself going down again. I’m not trying to control someone, but it could seem that i’m being controlling because when you feel you are losing control of your mental health you will fight to hang onto it. What i’ve noticed though is that i’m very good at keeping myself well, but the stress of being around someone who is constantly belittling or abusing me makes it so much harder. It becomes difficult to tell what the battle actually is. That’s why you ask if you are the abusive one. There’s something to be said for understanding about co-dependency (also fear, obligation and guilt ‘FOG’) and how it becomes difficult to separate people and form a view of who causes what in a relationship. You could look at your behaviour and decide it was abusive. Then you could look for causes; your own insecurities must originate from somewhere. Then you can look at your partner’s behaviour. You can identify if it is abusive. You can at least realise that you are in a complicated abusive relationship. You say you have BPD and I don’t know alot about this, but I can imagine that it must be particularly difficult for you, and enough for you to deal with, without being in the midst of an abusive relationship. Because of my experience as a woman, I would look to see what you write from your perspective, and that doesn’t mean I’m trying to claim you are the victim and he is the perpetrator. It just means that I see your side of it and would say whether I thought you were being abused. Helping yourself means helping one person first. Perhaps you feel guilty about that. Guilt and fear can be very debilitating. So you may want to acknowledge your own behaviour first, but don’t fail to minimise what you are also suffering because of someone else. In situations of domestic abuse it happens that the abuser works quite hard to create feelings of guilt and responsibility in the person they are abusing. They find a small seed of guilt and they magnify it. Your behaviour is used against you. You said an unkind thing because you feel insecure in this relationship and now it proves your guilt. But its a chicken and egg situation isnt it. The man who abuses me never misses a trick to put me down. Everything good I ever thought about myself he tried to steal off me, and appropriate for himself. You say you knew how to wind him up. Were you winding him up for a laugh or was that you trying to fight back, to keep that sense of yourself alive? My experience of abuse was that he tried to destroy me from the inside.

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Hi, dreamcatcher. the thing i notice in your post is how your partner seems controlling. WA say control is at the heart of abusive relationships. You must also be very stressed with your ex still stalking you. I’ve had more than one abusive relationship. One i left very quickly but the last one involves child contact so its not so easy to ‘leave’. this last relationship has been devastating to me because he’s been very deceptive and psychologically it has been bad and coming after leaving an abusive person already. I’ve decided not to get involved again, i’ve been on my own now for quite a few years because i dont want to risk going through any more abuse. It will break me if i do. You seem like a lovely person, not soft with your kids, but a loving mum. My daughter’s father tried to damage my relationship with my daughter. He was always criticising me too, nothing I ever did was right, and yet he did nothing himself. I notice you wrote that he doesn’t live with you and I’m glad for you that he doesn’t. One thing I’m always grateful for is that he’s not in my house. Life can’t be peaceful with him in it.

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Hello Aliceinwonderland. Have you thought about discussing this with Women’s Aid? Its a very difficult thing to manage contact and it might help to get their feedback. To me its irrelevant that he ‘feels bad’. You don’t see any emotion in his face, which sounds more like his words are a cover up (or meaningless). You don’t have to hate him, just look at him from an objective point of view, like you would anybody else, and apply the same standards. Your ex is applying pressure to you but he has no right to expect you to go against your own judgement of this situation. That’s why I think it would help if you could get to speak with someone at Women’s Aid, see what they advise.

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Hi, BakingQueen. I’ve thought about this too but I think it’s not whether he thinks about me but how he thinks about me. I’ve a feeling he thinks about me like you or I would think about an object, something to toy with, use, smash and put in the trash. If he thought about you in a deeper way he probably wouldn’t have been able to move on with someone new so quickly. He’s probably thinking about his new girlfriend in the same way. I was very caring with my daughter’s father but that didn’t matter a jot to him. He wasn’t interested in how I felt. He’s not capable of thinking about me like that. Now I see him as a shallow man, who’s very destructive. I realise that I was the one who was able to care and to think deeply, the mistake I made was thinking he was like that too, but then that is how he presented himself to me, until the mask slipped. I’m now left with the relief that I’m free of that confusion and have no expectations to waste my precious time on. The reason you may not have moved on is because you actually cared and real feelings don’t fade so quickly but they must fade when he’s the wrong person. I have found the more I look at him from an objective point of view, remembering what it was he did, the more my head can take over for my own benefit.

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Hello, survivorandproud. What you’ve described is an abusive relationship. I only read a short way down before I had to look away because i started to feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. It shows a certain amount of deviousness to even think to say ‘you have no bruises’. I got ‘its your word against mine’ alot. Now I look back he was VERY careful about not leaving concrete ‘evidence’ of his behaviour. But when he did, I was doubting myself, wondering whether it was all in my head. I actually don’t think it would have made a difference if you had behaved any differently, been more passive. I know I was only ever kind, decent and caring to that man but he treated me like he did anyway. He just thought he had me in a trap and he was going to keep me there. Unemployment is a stress but lots of people go through that, but it’s a very convenient excuse for someone to hide their abusive behaviour behind. He’ll always have an excuse.

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I’ve been comfort eating for a long time now. I haven’t wanted to look attractive because all that got me was him. But I feel like i’ve been sabotaging myself with food. I could be healthier and look so much better if I would just take the time and effort, but whenever I’ve tried i’ve heard his voice in my head telling me what was wrong with me and I’d give up. Its very hard to cross over from where I was – in that rut – to somewhere I want to be. I know how to do it, I’m just holding myself back. Afraid to come out of the hole i’ve been in. So maybe I want to remain invisible.

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Hi, Ziggy. He’s not much in her life at all, he isn’t interested in parenting her, he just uses his right to have contact to contact ME. Considering the way he’s behaved it’s not possible to see that my daughter has lost a father, rather she never gained one when he ‘fathered’ her. I understand your fear though, its the fear of taking a step and not being able to predict the outcome around someone who has shown he is unpredictable, not trustworthy and abusive. This is why contact has been a very difficult issue for me, there was the need to get free from someone who was literally destroying my health and my life, and at the same time needing assurance that my daughter would be safe. I’ve accused myself of being selfish, but when I look back there is no way I could have carried on with him in my life like that and I had to get him out as much as I could. Get as much advice as you can from trained, professional people who understand about the legal process and domestic abuse. Women’s Aid were able to tell me about knowledgeable solicitors they knew. It’s definitely helped me make better, safer decisions and to see that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Hi, Ziggy. I think your husband is trying to do what my daughter’s father did to me and that is to frighten you into thinking that you cannot escape and that nobody will believe you. You probably think that it looks like you are the one with the problem not him and that he can take away your child and anything else in your life. He will tell you that his recording is proof of your behaviour or that it will be your word against his about what is going on and he’ll throw in enough doubt in your mind that you will fear testing it. He probably thinks his ‘nice’ texts will be proof that he’s a good guy. What he’s doing is putting a smoke screen around you that gets between you and the truth. He might be able to fool your family in this way but he won’t be able to fool someone trained in domestic abuse. They can recognise the pattern of power and control that such a man will use to intimidate and frighten a woman so that she feels she has no power and cannot get free or have the strength to live without them. As I said, my daughter’s father has behaved like this. I knew it wasnt right what he was saying but I was afraid of trying to do something because I was so full of doubt and fear of him. I don’t live with him but he continues to use threats in the same way. I think I should’ve seen through him and known better but if their behaviour wasn’t so effective they wouldn’t do it in the first place. The fact is, it works. What Women’s Aid or another domestic abuse advisory service can do is help you to see through his behaviour so that you will see it for what it is, a strategy for him to stay in control in his relationship with you, your child and the wider family and so on. Once you can see the situation you are in from an objective perspective, or at least I found so anyway, it helps to diffuse the emotions you feel and you can start to think about what you might do about it. I think everyone must be shocked when they discover just how similar abusive men behave in their relationships. I can appreciate why you are afraid that your bipolar diagnosis might be used against you, but it won’t disguise anything about the abusive pattern of behaviour that your husband exhibits but he will, no doubt, be thinking he can use it against you. He’ll use anything: money, sex, your child, your health, your family (he’ll tell you everyone thinks like he does) anything he can to keep you down, even violence, but the most effective weapon is to get inside your head. My daughter’s father got inside my head and its a heck of a job to get him out. You mention that you lack family support and I’m sorry to say that it’s been my experience that trying to get away from domestic abuse has highlighted to me that my family is and never really has been (over the important matters) a support network for me. I have had to rely on help from others and principally myself in just telling myself to keep going and, at times, all I’ve been able to do is crawl along. It’s no way to live but I think at least i’m still here trying to go forward, but still here, if you know what I mean.

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Hi, Benson. I recognise what you are saying. I look back at myself when my daughter was young and I realise that I was still young myself. I wish I could go back and tell myself, ‘you’re still young, there’s still so much you can do, you can still live your life’. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, because I was trapped by fear. Fear that if I take the wrong step we will get hurt. I know that we are advised to always take threats seriously, but it has been the fear that has been the most effective weapon he has used. He would always demonstrate just enough aggression to show me that he meant his threats. Its really kept me in my place, and unable to live my life outside of his control. Being afraid has meant not being able to make the decisions that I want to for fear of the consequences. That’s why my daughter’s father has constantly used threats about what he will do if I stop letting him contact me. Because I was afraid of him I wasnt willing to trust other people when they said I could get free from his abuse. I wish I could have tackled the fear. I wish I could have trusted other people and lived a more hopeful life, but I just didnt feel safe enough to do it. I don’t live with him and he isn’t in his daughter’s life very much, but he’s still there, every day in my life on the telephone, reminding me that he hasn’t gone away. I’m thinking about the next year or two and what I can do to move things on a bit. At some point, it has to end but I know that I have to tackle the fear. I’ve felt so worn down and exhausted by it.

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Hi, HopeLifeJoy. I’ve had a mixed experience with counselling but when it’s been good its really benefitted me. I found it helped me to value myself and start looking at life from my own perspective rather than everyone else’s. The last time I went for counselling I couldn’t cope with it though, so I stopped it. I felt angry too, not at the counsellor but just because I was sat in a chair still feeling that I needed that help. It made me see that I just don’t get any support in my life, and I wanted to be passed needing it. It may help to tell the counsellor how you are feeling about the counselling because its something I did when I had that good experience i mentioned above. The counsellor may expect you will be having negative feelings as a result of what the counselling brings up. The other thing as well is that i found it’s just never going to be possible to really explain the full story of what the experience has been, so no matter what I said I never felt she would ‘get it’, because I desperately wanted someone to know so they would understand but at the same time I was being guarded because I had such a bad trust issue (still do).

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Hi, Shipoffools. Thank you for your reply. To acquaintances and others I just describe my daughter’s father as a ‘difficult’ or ‘tricky’ character and I don’t elaborate because I’ve no intention right now of discussing it openly. But with people who are closer its different. I appreciate what you say about feeling that you’re not giving that experience its full weight. I want to give it the right degree of weight too because it matters, and principally it matters to me. In the future I plan to be much more open about it. I don’t see why I shouldn’t. I think I’m anticipating that moment of openness as cathartic, but maybe it won’t be. I can’t know. But one of the big deals with my daughter’s father is how important his ‘image’ is. He’s kept his behaviour very hidden and thinks he’s flown under the radar. He’s expected me to keep my mouth shut. x

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I can’t find the way to explain it, cupcakes. I tried to talk about it many years ago with my mother and sister, when my daughter was very young but I could see by the way they looked at me that it was something I was probably going to have to keep to myself. I looked elsewhere for help and I’m glad I did now, since it led me to Women’s Aid. I just think there’s got to be a way for people who haven’t experienced it to be able to appreciate just what it does to a person’s mentality. Especially the effects of fear. xx

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Cherrydrops. That’s like my experience too. He took everything I felt good about and he sullied it, poisoned it. I couldn’t feel good about a thing, unless he nodded and said, go on, you can smile about that. He resented anything I’d achieved, anything I could feel proud about and told me that it was all crap. If I tried to speak up for myself he threatened to get destructive or aggressive. I made decisions out of fear, rather than hope, and haven’t lived the way I would have liked to but at least, as the years go by, and my daughter is getting older, I can see a point at which I can be fully free of him. x

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Hi teatime, I’ve also thought of it as his ‘malware’ in my head. For years I have had such a negative opinion about people. I really lost my faith generally in people, but its important to remember that some people really helped me to see what was happening and I know that there are good people out there really trying to do their best. Not everyone is like him. x

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Hi, KIP. All that kept me going at times was my daughter, what would happen to her if I wasn’t there? I actually started self-harming though. Thank goodness that has stopped. I can’t believe that I would have done that to myself, I always cared for myself, especially my health. But his behaviour put me in that place, in that mindset. x

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Hi, summerday, I think it feels like being a zombie. In my case I had to deaden how I felt around him. I couldn’t laugh or feel emotion spontaneously because he might take offence. So I silenced myself, and hid really inside myself when I was around him. Otherwise he would look at me with a look in his eyes that said that he hadn’t given me permission to feel happy. Its a good thing that you have insight into his behaviour. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I just thought I was going mad, fortunately I found out through Women’s Aid about the pattern of abuse and that’s when I started to step back and see what it was he was doing and how it was affecting me. I saw that he was ruining my health and he was going to destroy my life if I didnt get away from him. I hope you can get your freedom from him. Take care of yourself and put yourself first, because you do still have your dignity. x

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Hi, thank you for your kind reply. He is the poison I must cut out. I believe it’s possible to get my life back. I’ve been very isolated for a long time. He’s really like a vicious monkey around my neck. I’m thinking about what I can do to help myself. I’m a bit flat at the moment though, but thank you for your encouragement.

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