SunshineAngel

[SunshineAngel]

After I ran away from my ex I started to find out about all the lies he told me. For example, he pretended to be sober and even complained to me often that he wasn’t allowed to drink because of his heart and how much he missed having a glass of wine or beer. When I moved out of our flat I found empty liquor bottles hidden around the house. He had been secretly drinking!
This convinced me that he has lied about many things. When we were together I believed everything he told me. I could never have imagined that he would lie to me. I am not sure how many of his lies he actually believed. But something like the drinking?! How could he have convinced himself he’s not drinking and then secretly drinking?!
I can only guess that they have to find a way of justifying all the lies to themselves, something along the lines of “she is making me lie to her, so it’s not my fault”. They never take responsibility for anything and always find someone else to blame. I like your analogy with the mirror, it’s so true!

[SunshineAngel]

My ex has told me stories about his exes and I always found them a bit bizarre.
He told me an elaborate story about his ex that she has assaulted him and kept him prisoner for weeks, torturing him.
He told me another story about an ex calling the police over his sending her a couple of text messages.
He told me his other ex aborted his child without telling him.
I felt so bad for him.
Now I’m thinking that this all makes sense because I think that he abused these women.
I don’t know how to feel about the story about his ex abusing him. Did he make it all up? Was it actually the other way around? Did she hurt him trying to defend herself? Was she being abusive to him and made him an abuser because of that? I don’t know what to believe, and I think about it quite a lot.

[SunshineAngel]

I got out more or less accidentally. I hadn’t planned to leave him. He assaulted me one night after we argued over something minor. He pushed me and strangled me, and took my phone off me when I tried to call the police. I managed to persuade him to let me leave the house and I ran to the police who arrested him.
He had bail conditions not to contact me and I finally told a friend about the abuse.
I went to the police to give my statement the next day and I suddenly realized that he had attacked me when I was pregnant. I remember this sudden moment of clarity, that he must be a bad person to assault his pregnant girlfriend. No good person would ever do that.
Talking about the abuse to someone else really made a huge difference and identifying this one unforgivable thing he did. Before this incident I always went back after the assaults, all I wanted was for him to love me, but not this time.
It was so hard, and it is still hard, but I am glad that I have left and that I am finally free again.

[SunshineAngel]

Dear UnicornSparkleHead,

Your post reminds me so much of how I felt. I ran away from my boyfriend after he assaulted me and because I didn’t know where else to go I just ran to the police. And they went out and arrested him right away. I was so shocked and scared, I really didn’t want that to happen. I felt so sorry for him and worried about him.

I was very lucky that night. I called my best friend and she came right away which helped so much to just have the moral support and someone around who loves me and is kind. I was supposed to go back to the police the next day to give my statement, and I was so so torn. I knew what he did to me was wrong and a crime. At the same time I felt so worried for him. I called the WA helpline and they simply told me I needed to go. This was the time to think about my safety. It is most important to make sure you are safe. This became my mantra for the following weeks.

You deserve to be safe and happy. Please think about yourself now. Call the helpline or a supportive friend, post on here, get all the support you can. Your safety is the most important.

[SunshineAngel]

Hi Fridges,

You are absolutely right and thanks for your reply. I also think that he is using this to make himself look good. I was just thinking that surely his family must find his behaviour odd; that just a few weeks after we had been planning our wedding and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together he has this new girlfriend. Doesn’t every person need some time to get over that? But then I realized that of course he is presenting himself as a victim of me, because I left him (Detail removed by moderator) and got an injunction so he couldn’t harass me anymore. The poor guy! How lucky that he managed to find a new woman to take care of him and make him happy again. I found it so difficult to understand why his family, his mother and sister were so cruel to me. How they can stand by him when they know (Detail removed by moderator)? It must be because it’s easier for them. Otherwise they would have to confront him, or might have to take action themselves. They would also be in a position where they would have to contemplate about warning the new girlfriend about his abusive past.

I am so angry lately. I am going through phases of ups and downs and before the anger was really helpful. I could use it to channel my energy into sorting out my escape, (Detail removed by moderator), finding a new place, fighting his attempts to hurt me. Now that I am no contact I am at a loss what to do with my anger. I feel like I want to use it to fight for other women, but then when I am confronted with all the sexism and violence against women it makes me even angrier…

Is it selfish that I think if I warn the new girlfriend and she escapes him before something bad happens to her, that would be a little win for me?

[SunshineAngel]

Dear Cupcakes,

I am so sorry to read that you are struggling. These men are monsters and just keep trying to hurt us.

I know how you feel and how hard it gets to keep fighting. Sometimes we forget how strong we really are.

When I feel really low, I try the following: I made a list of all the things I have managed to do since I left him. It’s a very long list. I feel proud of it. I’m sure your list is very long, too. You have fought so hard and are so brave and strong.

I hope you feel better soon and can find some support. X

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your replies and advice. I understand that she will probably not believe me. I also thought about how it would have been, if someone had warned me about him in the beginning of our relationship. I probably wouldn’t have believed it. But maybe I would have thought about when the first strange things started to happen, when he started to show his controlling side. There were warning signs in our relationship early on, where he showed his true colours and I felt confused but didn’t realize that they were warning signs. I keep thinking that maybe I would have realized earlier if I was more aware of what to look out for.

About a year ago, someone very close to me warned me of him. She sent me a lovely and sweet email, explaining that I am not responsible for this man and that it is ok to allow doubts. I do think this helped to free me in the end.

I’m just so angry that so many men get away with treating women that way. I feel like I want to warn all women and tell them: Be careful! Trust your gut! When you see warning signs, then run as fast as you can!
I find myself really irritated at all the everyday sexism and the patriarchy in general. I hate being a victim of a misogynist society, I’m furious about it.

[SunshineAngel]

Hi Airblue,
When I’m reading your posts I feel like I can relate so much. I also have so many memories of our relationship, I think about it all the time. I try not to, but then it comes haunting me at night. My ex sounds just like yours. He was always pretending to be so moral and special, and even told be he had (detail removed by moderator). It made it so difficult to understand how someone who would care so much about strangers and be so kind to everyone would hurt me and abuse me, the person he was supposed to love and protect. I am still struggling to wrap my head around it and I hope that I can figure something out soon, I’m tired of thinking about it all the time.
I am trying to keep busy, try to focus on nice things. It’s not helping all the time but sometimes. It also helps me to spend time with my friends and kind people. I started writing down my memories. I only just re-read some pages of what I wrote a couple of months ago and was amazed, because there were a lot of things I had forgotten already. It’s a very confusing time, my brain just seems to be on overload.
I hope you feel better soon and find a way to cope with these memories. Please be kind to yourself. Don’t let his words get into your head and make you feel bad about yourself. You already recognized that he just pretended to be so moral to make you feel bad. Remember that this was a tactic he was using, and it doesn’t say anything about you, only him.

[SunshineAngel]

The same happens to me sometimes. I blame myself for not realizing it sooner and even doubt my own sanity. How could I allow the abuse, why didn’t I do anything sooner? Please don’t blame yourself. The abuser is 100% responsible for the abuse and the hurt he put you through.
I was just given a piece of advice yesterday, that might help you as well: A wonderful woman told me to imagine a woman sitting opposite me who is telling me my story as hers and you can just see all pain on her face. Try to see yourself from outside and you will realize that you are not to blame at all. You would never get angry at any of the other women on this forum, who may have gone through similar experiences as you have. You show them love and compassion. And you deserve the same from yourself. x

[SunshineAngel]

Dear Airblue,

I am glad to hear that you have left your abuser. Congratulations on taking this brave and difficult step.
I can relate to your feelings, I am going through the same. My ex wasn’t allowed to contact me at first because of bail conditions. The second they ended he contacted me and I felt so panicked. I got an emergency non-molestation and he has not contacted me directly since. I also miss him a lot at times and often feel worried that I won’t be able to cope by myself. When I reflect on that I realize that I have managed so much in my life and even in the weeks since he has been arrested, so I really don’t have any reason not to trust in my abilities.
I just found out that my ex has a new girlfriend. It has not been long since we were planning our wedding and he told me he wanted to be with me forever. I found that this really hurt my ego, am I so easily replaced? I just remind myself that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. It’s not personal. He’s a bad person and an abuser. He had to find a new woman to abuse immediately after he lost access to me because he can’t be alone. He will never be a happy, self-sufficient person. But I can be. And I can treat myself well and be a kind, good person.
My advice to you would be to focus on yourself. Think about your future and what you want your life to be like. You don’t have to worry about him anymore. You are what matters now. You are a strong woman and I am sure you are not someone to be easily forgotten. Be kind to yourself X

[SunshineAngel]

The roller coaster continues. I have moved into my new house and it is so nice. I already feel a thousand times better being there that I used to in the old flat. I loved waking up to the snow after my first night there and I went on a lovely walk around town and enjoyed just being by myself and at peace.
I also just found out that he has tricked me into being responsible for paying some bills without telling me anything. I am really worried now about what else he might have done to get me trouble. I had horrible nightmares about it last night. Have been trying to get through to citizen’s advice all morning. I hate that I still have to fight for my peace and freedom all the time. I am so tired of it, I just want to move on!
And I went on his social media profile and found out that he has a new girlfriend. She looks like me, only younger and fitter. I don’t even know how I feel about that. My ego feels bruised, because I am having such a hard time moving on, and there he is (apparently) super happy in his new life, with his new girlfriend. I also feel sorry for her because I know he’ll do the same to her as he did to me. I can only hope for her that she will manage to leave before it’s too late.
I’m trying not to think about him, not to look on his profile but I find it so difficult when I still have to sort out things about the old flat, and still have to navigate around all the obstacles he’s putting in my way. I can’t believe how foolish I was to trust this person.
How did you feel when you found out your ex had a new partner? How do you deal with it?
How do you keep finding strength, after months of fighting and struggling to sort everything out, just to find more and more obstacles every day?
Thanks for reading this. I hope you have a lovely, wonderful day.

[SunshineAngel]

Janedoe,

Thank you for your post. I am so happy for you, that you are so strong and positive. You are an inspiration.

I am so impressed with you, for being able to see through him like that. His post sounds like an attempt to hoover you back, but he has no chance. You are too strong and too smart for him.

I think you are doing great. Enjoy all those nice things you got planned, you deserve good things in your life.

[SunshineAngel]

Dear Genesis,
I am so sorry for all the pain you had to go through. Reading your story breaks my heart, you have been through hell and no one should ever have to live through what you have experienced. You have been incredibly brave and you freed yourself from this nightmare.
You are a very strong woman, to come through this, to survive and to come here and share your story. I am amazed that after all this you are most worried about others, even offering help to all of us here on the forum. You must be a truly good and kind person.
I hope that you will find peace and can find a way to not feel guilty. What he did to you was his fault, he chose to hurt you. You are not responsible for his past or future actions.
I read from your post that you are religious and I hope your faith will give you strength.
I like the name you have chosen for this forum. For me it symbolizes starting over, building a new life after the abuse. I like the idea of a new Genesis, creating something good for yourself, a good and safe life. What made you chose this name?
Genesis, my thoughts are with you. X

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind words, it helps so much to hear them.
I’ve been to see my GP, and she gave me a referral to the BPAS, saying it sounds like I already made up my mind about the pregnancy. I told her that I was struggling and she said the BPAS would offer me counselling.
I made an appointment with an abortion clinic for in a few days. I have been thinking so much about how I don’t want to have this baby right now, how horrible I feel, how I want to take care of me and not a child. I am thankful for this little angel to have come and visited me and sort of saved me. I’m sad that we’ll part ways soon, at least for a while.
I am trying to listen to my heart, to make sure that I am making the right decision. I find it so difficult to know how I feel. It’s like I don’t trust my own memories and feelings. I keep thinking about if I even wanted to make this baby, or did I let him talk me into it? He wanted children so badly, I don’t think I wanted them, or did I? It’s so confusing!
I’m scared of the abortion, I hope it will be ok.
It seems so unfair that he just gets to move on and sort out his life, while I have to go through the worst time in my life.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure if this is the appropriate forum to talk about this. When I talk to the pregnancy counselling, they don’t really get why I feel like I can never have a child with my ex, why I never want him to find out. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision, it’s so hard.

[SunshineAngel]

Dear Veryhappy,

Well done for leaving him and managing so well at your life. It sounds like you are doing very well and have already sorted out so many things. I am glad to hear that you and your children are safe, have your home and your job. It’s a very good thing that you have that restraining order, it gives you a real chance at rebuilding your life.

I know what you mean by grieving again. I feel exactly the same. I have kept myself so busy, but now that I have a few calmer days, I feel very sad. I also have very supportive friends, and they help me a lot, call me every few days and send me sweet messages. I have the same worries as you, that they will grow tired of hearing about the same problems over and over.

Please do come and post here, I find it helpful because the women here really understand what you are going through.

I’m sorry that you are feeling unwell with your flu. You can be sure that the flu will pass in no time and you will feel better (at least physically). Think about all the things you have achieved already! It wasn’t easy and you did it. And you will be ok again, even if there are times when it doesn’t feel that way. We will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok yet, that just means it’s not the end yet.

[SunshineAngel]

I just feel horrible lately. I have been so busy, with work, sorting out a new place to live, court, travel to see friends and family. I started feeling exhausted and thought what I needed was some days of peace and quiet. It made me horribly depressed. I hate being in our old apartment by myself. Even the smallest thing will upset me and make me miss him so much.
On top of everything I feel nauseous constantly with morning sickness. Every morning I wake up, feeling sick and then I remember everything and my heart breaks and I feel so lonely and sad.
I keep remembering all the nice things he did for me, the many times he was sweet and caring and made me feel so loved. I just can’t understand how someone who is so supportive and loving could be an abuser. I keep thinking that there might be a way I could forgive him, so we can be friends again, I just miss his support so much.
I feel so sorry for myself, I can hardly think of anything else. It feels like I’m falling and falling and falling. It’s been a month but I don’t feel better at all. I keep getting worse.
I’m sorry for the rant. I don’t even think I make much sense. There is so much sadness in my heart, I don’t know how to make room to get better.

[SunshineAngel]

Hi Starmoon,
I understand how you must feel. I’ve not been gone for very long but I feel very lonely and the thought of him moving on is unbearable to me. When I feel too sad about not having him by my side anymore I try to remind myself how he didn’t let me see my friends and family when we were together. I remind myself how much I missed having that social life and seeing my old friends, being spontaneous and making plans with people other than him. It helps to think about this freedom that I have gained back, and I enjoy talking to my old friends again.
You can be proud that you are moving on, and working on yourself and being nice to yourself. I hope you find a way of boosting your ego yourself, you deserve it X

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind messages. I’ve just returned home and I feel horrible. I miss him so much and I am so upset to have lost the future we had planned. It feels like someone has died. I feel so sad and desperate, my whole life feels like it was turned upside down. I find it so hard to cope with all these feelings. My brain is running at a thousand thoughts per minute, it never seems to stop. I can’t sleep. I go from missing him so much, to being very angry, to feeling really lonely, to feeling relieved that I don’t have to appease him anymore.
And on top of everything I feel really sorry for myself and find it so unfair that on top of everything, I have to be pregnant and make such an important decision now, when I feel like I can’t even chose what to eat for lunch. I don’t know how to sort out my thoughts and how to focus so that I can find out what is best.

[SunshineAngel]

I am trying to get through to the helpline, but no luck so far. Yes, I feel like the more information I get the better I feel (at least until the next problem comes up).

For me, it all happened so quickly. I hadn’t planned to leave him, but a number of things had happened in the last couple of months that made me feel more confident and also made me see him in a different light. And then he physically assaulted me and I ran away and straight to the police. He was arrested and I’ve not talked to him since. I think he is really scared of the police, and should be, because what he did was wrong and criminal!

I know the feeling you are talking about. I also find it easier to be angry, it makes me feel stronger and like I am standing up for myself. I find myself really angry with other people as well, for example with a person who is close to him. I confided in that person over a year ago after he had assaulted me and I wanted to leave him and this person basically convinced me that I should go back to him. I can’t forgive them for that. At the same time I realize that it’s best just to not have any contact to him and anyone who is close to him. Especially now that I don’t want him to find out about the pregnancy.

Why do you have to keep contact with your ex? Can you just cut all ties? I am planning on having a friend sort out all formalities for me, I don’t want to and I also feel like I can’t cope with having to deal with him.

[SunshineAngel]

Thank you for your kind words J, I really appreciate it.

[SunshineAngel]

Somehow, this made me not worry about him anymore at all. I feel glad that I left him before I found out that i‘m pregnant and i‘m relieved that I can make my decision without him.
My feelings of missing him have disappeared and been replaced completely by relief that I don’t have to have a baby with this man and be afraid that he might hurt me or the child.
I don’t know what i’ll do and I hope I can find some help to decide.
I am worried about (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t know if I will have to give a statement (detail removed by Moderator). If I do, and if the solicitor asks, do I have to tell them that I’m pregnant? I never never never want to tell him about it. He does not deserve to know, he has lost that right when he abused me.
It’s really difficult, my feelings are on a roller coaster, but I feel proud and strong too and I think everything will be ok in the end. Just will fill a few buckets of tears on the way until then.

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