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Blue eyes
I hear you. Thank you for replying. Let’s hold on and slowly try and move forward. X

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Thanks Kip. Definitely my brain sorting through the trauma. I’ve got some way to go. It’s nearly (detail removed by moderator) now so that will be another trigger. X

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Thanks ladies. My adrenaline was running high over the weekend. I could hear my heart thudding and i had to sit with it for 4 days.
I just don’t know who I am and I’m making it up as I go along. My good days are getting longer, this is something I have noticed. The chatter is variable and I’ve had a few mornings where he hadn’t been the first thing to pop into my head. I’m allowing myself to be angry now. I almost needed permission from myself and therapist to curse and call him horrible names.
I’m exhausted now. Noticing more and more triggers so trying to deal with them to. Feel safe on here like I’m understood and listened to. So I’m not going crazy I’m just healing. Xxx

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Thank you. You always make so much sense. My stomach is still in knots that’s when I know there’s more to come out, more to heal.

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Would second why does he do that and psychopath free.

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Thank you ladies. I just feel incredible lonely. I think your correct in that once your aware of the abuse you become aware of it everywhere. I don’t feel I can trust anyone and I’m (removed by moderator) down again. It’s a horrible world and to have these two people only to rely upon is depressing.
But thank you for your compassion.

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Thanks ladies for sharing your stories. I really appreciate it and all the encouragement.
I don’t have an IDVA because I’m away from the situation and my ex won’t come near me as he is concerned I’ll report him to the police. He already has two previous convictions.
We really need to do something about this. I wonder is any money is ring fenced for post DA support? It would be interesting to see how much money they get from donations. I’ve always wondered about this because it’s nit a sexy charity like Macmillan. I never see individuals running for WA. Such a shame because it’s a deserving charity beyond measure.
I’ll plug away and move forward. My GP surgery consists of 3 doctors. I’ve never been since I moved. There are cultural differences that may make things difficult. It took me 6mts to pluck up the courage to walk across the road and register. That was such a huge challenge and effort. Such a simple task but this is what DA did to me. I was afraid of my own shadow. I was scared to leave the house. I spent most of this year in doors studying. It was a great excuse not to go out ever!

I hope we find ourselves again and get the support we need to move forward and heal. And for those who moved forward with zero support and found there own way kudos to you all sisters. X

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Excuse typo errors

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Always sorry

It’s great you finally got the support you needed. I don’t seem to have the confidence to say- hello I’m here help me. I emailed WA to seek permission that I could telephone them, that I wasn’t wasting their time, that my experience was validated under DA.
Evidently there is a gap for women who have left a DA situation and self refer to seek some guidance or clarification that it was abuse. Often we are so enmeshed in their abuse we have no clue. Then the fog lifts and wham.
I totally understand that the focus must be in women and children in a DA situation and the resources must go there. However, the fight, the feeling unsafe, scared, like your going mad post DA , still needs special attention. We have to recover and often we don’t know how and I need more than an on-line chat. I pay for therapy, I go without food to pay for it. I journal, I read, I meditate but I need more. I need education, reassurance recovery. My GP won’t and can’t do this for me. Why: because he doesn’t get it, some of my close friends don’t get it but WA do, they get it. I want to be and learn from others who get it.
So yes please pm me the link and thank you, all of you.

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Thanks everyone. I really needed this course. I felt it would have helped me and yet no letter no nothing. It left me feeling undervalued and just another trigger that I am not worthy of anyone giving a damn. How can a charity say they support women and then do this? I don’t understand that. Maybe I’m feeling a little raw about it but I needed it. That’s all I asked for ,I’ve done everything else myself. And they couldn’t even get that right. People say phone then, they’ll understand but they don’t have time to talk , to really listen even for the first and last conversation before they direct you to a local service near you.
I’m just disappointed. I enquires about the freedom course too and no response.
Just so fed up.

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Thanks everyone. Your words and advice is exactly what I needed. I think a trigger for me is picking p the pieces of my life, like finding a job, finished my course, its all a huge struggle but i have put myself under pressure with courses to try and pull back some self worth.
Only a few people know about what he did and I just cant seem to explain to those how terrible it was because he was so nice in public. Its like I am the mad one making stuff up. I get “and I thought you were a strong person”, they have no idea what its like to be enmeshed in someones trauma.
I am also pretty upset that the probation team knew of his level of abuse regarding his ex girlfriend and neither they nor (not sure if it was a local womens aid) contacted me to inform me of the list of offences he was chared with. All the time I thought he was charged with hitting her once. In addition I had no idea of Claires law. If only maybe I could have saved myself this upheavel. Things have got to change. I should have been notified as they had all my contact detials but sadly I never questioned why. I have no clue of this makes sense as this blue advertisment regarding online chat research is blocking my view and tapping on the X makes no difference whatsoever. Grrrrr. Miss cranky pants today!

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Iwantmeback
I’ve been away for a while. What’s going on? Hope your ok x

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Why does he do that has been so helpful in understanding his abuse. It also highlighted things I had repressed and the gamesvthet olay

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IWMB

I’m confused. I understood that if you have a conviction of DA, a current partner could contact the police and query any DA.

But from reading your post I’m understanding that one would have to make a disclosure (ie) his previous ex?

I don’t think I can make a disclosure without a conviction.

I’ll have to read up on it.

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IWMB
I’m assuming he’s under Claire’s law because of his criminal conviction of domestic abuse and caution for assaulting a minor.
Should I double check this?

Mixing with the wealthy to trap some poor mother.
Sigh.

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Thanks Maddog
It feels like someone has their hand around my neck and squeezing it tight. I feel like I’m also in the pits of hell. (Detail removed by moderator). It’s all lies and I feel physically sick. Who is he grooming now.
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It’s just brought his deluded behaviour to the forefront.

I just want to get to a place of feeling that grip in my neck to loosen and to feel like I’m recovering but the more conscious I’m becoming the more evil I’m seeing.

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Hi Kip

Strange I wasn’t hyperventilating . My breathing was calm. I’m still feel utterly exhausted. Think it’s my mental and physical health that’s causing this. I’m just floored from the last 8 mts.

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Thanks lisa.

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This is very sad. I think we can relate to the utter shame andcket down when we discover the man we loved and believed was a liar and a cheat.
Has he been physically or mentally abusive before?
He’s not a decent human being after cheating on you and losing to you.
Where is your son now?!what are the police doing since your arrest. Hold onto any proof you had.
I wrote letters to my ex and eventually sent one. It was a powerful letter highlighting his tixic abuse and I told him to stop contacting me. He stopped because he is scared I’ll go to the police.
I would be careful from now on what you say to him.
Self care as much as you can. Slow steps x

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Talk to us here. If his emails are concerning you then report them. Can you talk to Woman’s Aid and get some local support? They might be able to advise tea grading you child.

It’s a lonely path. I find people shy away from DA like child abuse. You have to find those who understand and that’s us here and maybe meeting women in your area who are experiencing similar.
Much love to you xx

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Well said serenity and beautifully expressed x

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True landy. They see it as a lucky ecscspe sndxwe should be celebrating. But we are broken and hurt and afraid and this is what we need acknowledged because this is what we are working on rebuilding ourselves and trying to make sense of the long nightmare.

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It’s good to know that this is all normal. Anyone who hasn’t experienced our trauma doesn’t understand why when they had treated us so bad, we miss them. It’s not about not respecting ourselves but more to do with being enmeshed in their abuse.
We are detoxing, that’s how I see it. Much love to you ladies x

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Landy. It’s not fair they fooled us into believing they loved us only to move on when reality sunk in.
To pretend to love someone is cruel. To allow someone to fall in love with you when you don’t love them but pretend to is also cruel.
I feel used and worthless but I’m trying to see it’s him and not me. Remember ladies we were empaths, we showed empathy.

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That’s interesting ladies. My ex was asking me to pay off some of his loans. I ended up taking out a loan and gave him some money in addition to paying for things. He would ask me for money for something and then ask his parents for the same things. When I asked him why he did that he said, my parents owe me, I don’t care.
He informed me one day he had booked a holiday for us. I was really excited and then I realised he was expecting me to pay for it so I told him to cancel it.
Even towards the end he was still looking
G for money but this time I said NO.

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Tiffany.
It’s true what you say- people understand controlling than assault/ DA.

He kept me hanging on for our happy ever after. A wedding, a home that he new I had always wanted. I kept thinking his abuse will stop, things will get better he keeps telling me.
So there the loss also. I gave up so much on a promise that he never even meant.yet he’s the one who seems to have had the better outcome- so far. It wasn’t supposed to be like this but I know one day I will be 100% accepting and so glad I left when I did. But I still think about the what ifs, what if he was able to change, what if what if. We can’t live on what ifs.

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Thank you. Your response has brought a lot of comfort to me.x

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I haven’t started doing things or projects for me. I am starting to care for myself a little better. I’m finding work, mundane things like shopping and cooking for myself hard going and I don’t understand why. Why can’t I survive like other women. I hate leaving my home I get anxious so prefer to stay in my room where I feel safe. It’s like part of me is going forwards and the other back. I feel so alone and totally unloveable. The one person who can take this away is my ex but I know that isn’t real and he is a horrible person but I have nobody and I hate it. But I do have half myself back…..

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Iwamtmeback

I had a similar vision. I’m in the process of setting up a support online group for women. It’s a platform to share your stories and how you succeeded. Part of it is to educate others, but I feel as women we are sometimes better supporting each other in succeeding as opposed to doing it alone. I want us to be healthy Mentors for each other. It’s a platform to discuss nearly everything.
I’ve only started a twitter account for now but once I get my writing underway I’ll be sharing my story/ stories. I want humour thrown in because that helps us a lot. It’s s process in the making.

One thing I am going to do is write to his probation officers and highlight that I was kept in the dark about his past assaults and that while he was doing this better relations course he was abusing me. But he was using the reason of “ I’m innocent” and being an empath of course I would think his behaviour was then excusable. If you look at any DA book and the Freedom book( I’m now reading this) they highlight the importance of listening to the partners or at least involving them while there partner is doing his course.(detail removed by Moderator) and probation team including Woman’s support group had my details and not one of them contacted me to let me know his charges. This allied my ex to lie and manipulate me even more. Only now can I see his reasons for not allowing me to attend (detail removed by Moderator). I will also be writing to my local MP highlighting this. We own our story and nobody will take that away from us….ever.

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Fizzylem
Beautifully written and I can relate to your every word. It’s like, one day I will write all of that to someone else.

I new my ex from years back and we dated when we were young adults. So you can imagine when we met again it felt like fate. I now realise he mirrored me and told me I was different from all the other women. He played on my childhood too which was a huge draw for me. Then slowly the devaluing started, the harder I tried, the more he said nobody understood, I tried harder. He threw a coat into my face during one of this temper tantrums and I remember him say” it’s only a coatbits not like I hit you”. That where the physical abuse started though most of the time it was emotional. My ex portrays this wonderful image of himself, he is concerned how he is seen. It’s hard for me in the early days when he was on sonically media tellings others to have some respect and morals. I guess the fog is still lifting and the impact he’s had on me and my life is almost unbearable.
I’ve done the writing, the reading, the gratitude lists, the therapy but my journey in recovery feels like it’s only beginning. Because not only do I have to come to terms with his assult, I lost a lot more so it’s like a double whammy.
I hope to get to where you are. I don’t think I’ll be open about his abuse only 3 people know because people do not understand.

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