wildandfree

[wildandfree]

Oh Takingbackmylife! Well done on leaving! It is not an easy thing to do as probably any woman on here can attest to. Also, never feel like you are not welcome here or your experience of abuse is not ‘valid’ because he didn’t hit you. Abuse comes is so many different forms. I would highly recommend the book ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. It really helps to put things in place and helps to answer lots of those ‘was it me? did I deserve it? should I have changed?’ questions.

You have absolutely done the right thing in leaving. If someone you cared about (friend/sister/daughter) was in the same kind of relationship, what you say to them? Or would you move heaven and earth to help them get out?

Sorry this is just a quick message as have to dash but wanted to reply to your post.
Your story will be so familiar to so many women on here.
Stay strong and keep messaging.

[wildandfree]

Oh AloneWolf, I feel for you, I really do. I completely understand the grief and loss and confusion.
I was very much like you when I left, absolutely heartbroken. I think I cried every day for weeks, if not months. Sometimes those silent screaming cries when you can’t feel anything but pain. It is grief. But the grief of leaving an abusive relationship is so confused.

I know it hurts right now, but it does get better. So , so much better. It is not instant, but gradually you can look at your life and know that you did the right thing.
I look at my life now and it is what I imagined life to actually be like – I am free to do what I wish, I no longer go to bed scared. In fact, the burden of low level fear that was my life is no longer there. And although I lost so many things from my old life (things, family, friends) they have been replaced, but what I have now is so much better. And although there is a little ball of grief and anger that I carry around, I would never go back. I have made a life that is mine and I love it.
So please keep moving forward. you didn’t deserve what happened to you, but you do deserve a happy life!!

(I found various books helped me to understand what I went though and to know that it was not my fault – look at Lundy Bancroft, and also Was it even abuse? by Emma Rose Byham. That might help)

Sending you strength and love

[wildandfree]

Hi Hiya@

I completely understand where you are coming from. Healing is not a linear path. I had days or weeks of feeling liked I’d cracked it, ‘i’d healed!, and then something would happen and it felt like I was right back at the beginning. The pain and anger could be unbearable sometimes. But each time I was a little bit further on.

Be proud of how far you have come and be kind to yourself. Even if it feels hard, do those things that you enjoy doing. Read, do some exercise, even if it just a walk. Remember that you are now free to do these things and they are just about you. Maybe it would be good to fill your mind with something else so you don’t go into the downward spiral of thinking of him (I know it is easy to say, and much harder to do!).

And as for being in touch with him, don’t be too hard on yourself. Being in an abusive relationship is like an addiction. you know they are no good for you, but you still crave the nice bits. I am a few years down the road and I still find myself thinking of an excuse to get in touch, and it always end in hating myself for doing it in the first place. But it does get easier. Honestly.

What I am really saying is be gentle on yourself. Getting out of an abusive relationship is incredibly hard. be proud of how far you have come. And remember why you left.

Emma Rose Byham’s book ‘Was it even abuse?’ was a huge help for me. Maybe check that out.

Take care. Sending hugs xx

[wildandfree]

Hi Theonlywayisout

Your story is so similar to mine also. For a long time I hoped the ‘nice version’ would come back and I could keep my family together. I thought I didn’t matter as long as my children were happy. I was so wrong. I was a shell of a person, existing but not really living. I realised I was setting a terrible example for my children, I wanted them to see a mum who was actually living. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have themselves? For their longterm futures, it sounds like you need to make that break. And for your future! You deserve happiness too!!

Bananboat above made some really good points. They are choosing this behaviour. If he is not like it to everyone else he comes into contact, then he knows what he is doing. If he is anything like mine, he will try everything in the book to guilt you into staying and put all the blame onto you for ‘breaking up the family’. Don’t believe him.

Good luck and stay strong. x

[wildandfree]

When you find the answer, please let me know!! These are questions I ask myself too.

How could he tell me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me, but also treat me worse than literally every other person on the planet!? What was so wrong with me as I was that he felt he had to break all the parts of me that I liked and made me , me?!

I read something recently that abuse is not about pushing someone away, it is more about breaking their spirit and self worth so that they never leave.
It is a reflection of them, not you.

xx

[wildandfree]

Hello Exhaustedwife

I couldn’t just read and run. What you have been through and are going through is awful.. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. You deserve so much better than that. Do not let him guilt you into letting him back in.

I wish I had more words of advice to make this less painful. I am out and on the otherside, and life gets so much better! Keep moving forward (crawling if you have to), you and your children deserve a happy life, free of control and fear.

Stay safe. Stay strong. Keep posting on here anytime you need.

Sending love x

[wildandfree]

Hey I found this quite a tricky one for me. I too didn’t want to badmouth my ex. I didn’t want it getting back to my children. In fact I can’t believe quite how much I protected my ex when he really didn’t deserve it.

Those I did tell, it felt like I couldn’t quite get across the scale of the abuse. So much of it was very subtle – the endless digs, name calling as a joke, the subtle controlling behaviours. When I said it outloud I felt like I was over reacting. I read somewhere recently a good thing to say to people who are not close friends, it that the version of (inset name) you know and the one I was married to are different. And leave it at that.
Don’t feel you have to justify your choice.

Also, don’t be surprised if he plays the victim card. Mine told everyone that I abandoned him when he needed me most. and lots of other things. I have had old friends cross the road to avoid me. But the ones who cared, could see the truth.
What I am saying is, don’t let it hold you back. Hold your head up, you have done nothing wrong! xx

[wildandfree]

Hi Orchid7

First off, well done on making a new life! It takes a lot of strength.
Secondly, you are allowed to grieve the loss of the ‘good stuff’. Coming out of an abusive relationship involves so much loss. Not just the loss of the future dreams we have, its the loss of the ‘good bits’. But also family, friends, things, hopes. I think grieving these losses is far more complex than just ending a normal relationship. We are forever changed. BUT, stronger in the end.

It sounds like you have done the right things in seeking counselling and going no contact.

I can only speak from my experience, but when things are hurting, when I am questioning it all over and over (have I done the right thing, was it me, have they changed etc), – that is my inner call that there is another layer that I have to deal with. I take that as a sign to take time for me, to read, to learn, to go and do something completely different. TO just be kind to yourself. But definitely don’t go back!

Keep moving forward! Sending hugs x

[wildandfree]

Well done! That is a huge positive! Doing things for your future is a huge achievement.

The future you who is free and no longer living a life of fear and doubt, will be so grateful to the you right now!! Keep moving forward!!

Sending love and strength x

[wildandfree]

Oh (not)Selisfh

I really feel for you. I understand everything you say as I have been there. Feeling trapped, the sudden nice behaviour, the doubts. Towards the end I had to emotionally switch off from him, because I knew he would use every emotional tool to try and make me stay.

I stayed for years ‘for the children’. I thought if my children were happy, then I could survive.I might not be living, but mothers make sacrifices right? I was so wrong. Children deserve a mother who is alive and vibrant and the best role model of how to live. I am a few years free and my children are happier than ever. And the see me living a full life, not a broken shell of a person that I was.
They deserve that. You deserve that!

I know how hard this stage is, but don’t doubt yourself. You are not the abuser! Find your way out.
Sending strength and hugs x

[wildandfree]

Oh Kaybee, I feel for you. I totally understand your grief and confusion over it all. You are allowed to grieve the relationship. It is ok to miss them, but also remember why you left.
I have been out for a few years and I still struggle with the confusion over it all. I could never understand how the man who was supposed to love me better than anyone else, could treat me the worst. I mean, 8 billion other people on the planet treated me better than the one who claimed to love me more than anyone else ever would!

The things that helped me were learning about the abuse. Read the Lundy Bancroft book, or the Emma Rose Byham ‘Was it even abuse?’. It will help you to see that all your emotions are absolutely valid, including the confusion over the end of the relationship.

And sadly and inevitably, he probably will get into a relationship straight away( mine was less than a week!). But it does not reflect on you or your worth. It is about them. It may seem that they are treating the next person better, but it is all a cover. Remember abuse is not about pushing you away, it is about breaking your self worth so you never leave. The good times with the bad just around the corner, never knowing quite when, so you can never quite relax. And it will happen to the next one.

You have been amazingly strong to get this far. You and your child deserve to be happy. Keep moving forward.
Sending hugs.

[wildandfree]

Well done for leaving! It takes immense strength.

Don’t expect to feel wonderful straight away. Breakups are hard, but when combined with controlling, abusive behaviour they are off the scale. I think I cried every day for months.

A really good book I read recently was ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. It really helped me to put things into perspective. And practical things to do too to help rebuild your sense of self.
For me I found journalling helped. Write it all out. Get all the anger and sadness out. I sometimes look back on those days I thought I would be broken forever and I am so proud that I didn’t go back.

Be gentle on yourself. Healing takes time but you can do it.

[wildandfree]

Hi (Not!) Selfish

Not sure if you have read it, but if you get chance have alook at the book ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. For so long whilst in my marriage, and after I thought it was my fault, that I could have done more, perhaps I was over reacting, or if I could find the magic words to say then it would all be ok and it would go back to how it was. Reading that book changed everything for me. I read it in tears, highlighting every other paragraph, crying YES THIS IS IT EXACTLY. It might help you to see that you are not selfish, you should not feel guilt, so much of their behaviour is designed to control, even the nice behaviour.

Keep moving forward. You can do it.

[wildandfree]

I just wanted to say it does get better. So much better. I have been out and free for a few years, and it wasn’t easy. But completely worth it. There were times when I thought my heart would break and that the tears would never stop.
But they do. You start to rebuild your life. But rebuild it how you want. I look back now and see how bad it was. I wasn’t really living, just existing. Always hypervigilant for fear of saying or doing ‘the wrong’ thing, although I had no idea what it might be that day. The weeks on end of sleep deprivation, the worry , the constant having to hide the real me as he seemed to hate that. On and on and on.

Keep moving forward. It does get better. I am now in a place where I feel free. I can sleep when I want. I can do what I want. I can read books I want without being mocked. Even things like being able to leave my diary lying around because I am no longer fearful that it will be read.

Hold on to that image of what life will be like when you are safe in your own place. Know that you are completely worth it. You deserve to be free and happy. You deserve to live your own life, and to not just exist.
Sending hugs and strength xxx

[wildandfree]

You are amazing. Keep going. There is bright sunlight on the otherside.
You have us all beside you.

Sending much love

[wildandfree]

Oh Searchingforhope

I completely understand where you are coming from. When I finally left after many attempts, the messages, the texts, the promises that everything would be different, were relentless. It felt like I was breaking up with him on a daily basis. Having to tell him over and over again that I was not coming back. The thing that kept me strong was looking at a photo of my children (he wouldn’t let me have them for [detail removed by moderator]) and knowing I was doing it for them. And I was doing it for me. I felt completely broken. But I think there is an inner strength in us women, which is there when we need it.

Keep going. It will get easier. It might not feel like it now, but there is a whole life on the otherside of this. But you have to go through it first.

Reach out for help. It is so good to talk about everything that has happened. Or Write it down. Keep coming on here for support.

Sending much love and support. You can get through this!

[wildandfree]

Welcome, and congratulations on becoming free!

I am relatively new here and have been out of my abusive marriage for a couple of years, so I know how hard it is to leave it behind and start again.

There are so many conflicting emotions. Grief at the end of a relationship. Anger at what happened. Sadness at losing the person you once were before it all started. Grief at a life you could have had. small windows of relief that it is over. Complete confusion as to where to go next.

The most important thing is to remember not to go back. you have made it this far, congratulate yourself.

Everyone is different, but the things that helped me through the dark first year, is writing. Write your thoughts, your anger, your grief, your frustrations. Let is all out. I recently wrote a list of all the things he used to do. I also wrote a list of the things I can now do that I couldn’t before – read what I like, speak to who I like etc. There is no quick fix to this, but know that the emotions will pass. You will be able to look back and see how far you have come.

I know about feeling lost. Start by making a commitment just for you and keep it. For years I broke my own rules, I tolerated far more than I should, I broke my own promises, until I couldn’t trust MYSELF. This year I have decided to do Couch to 5 K running. It is just for me. No one else. I have made a promise to myself and I am keeping it. I am proving to myself that I can trust ME again. Find something that you can commit to. It doesn’t have to be big. Walk every other day, read 2 pages etc etc.

These are just a few things that have helped me though. I am still on my own journey. But I no longer feel lost and directionless.

You are not alone. Vent on here. You are not alone -you have a whole army of women behind you!

[wildandfree]

Hi Emptyshell

Your story is so familiar. My ex could be so nice and funny. We got on really well and could laugh and chat. On the good days that is.

The bad days he would be grumpy, distant, controlling, depressed, angry. He would behave like a toddler demanding my full attention. I would try and keep the house tidy for fear of it setting him off among another million little things. Like your name, I was walking on eggshells without even realising it. I wanted the good times, but the bad were always lurking. Like you I questioned if it was me. Was I too sensitive? Should I try harder? If I could love him more he would be ok. He would tell me that I needed to make him happy. It was an impossible task. I kept lowering my boundaries of what was acceptable, just to keep the peace, because the alternative was unthinkable. To stand up to him would mean I would lose everything and would have to move out (he made it clear I would be the one to leave). If someone had said to me on my wedding day ‘in a few years time this is what you will be tolerating’ I would never have married him. I

Are the good times really worth the bad? Are the good times really worth questioning yourself and altering your behaviour to keep the peace?

I have been ‘free’ now for a couple of years and I am in what is a healthy relationship. I didn’t realise until I had been out for a while just how controlled and unhappy I was. I actually feel like ME again. I no longer worry about what mood my partner will be in. I no longer fear going to bed (my bedroom had become a place I feared after years of sleep deprivation (another abuse tactic I didn’t know about). I can express my thoughts and feelings without worrying about how they will be taken. I can read what I like without anyone rolling their eyes at me. There are so many other things that I had no idea were abusive. I am free of that now.

Keep coming on here and trust your self. There is a reason you are questioning his behaviour!

[wildandfree]

Oh this is a tricky one. I went to marriage counselling with my (now ex) husband. It was his idea too, and part of his rules for me coming back after I had tried to leave. From the outside it seemed like he really cared about the marriage and wanted to save it. But in reality I think he just wanted someone else to be telling me that the marriage was great and that I was the one that needed to change. It was just another form of control to him.

I absoluelty dreaded going as there was no way I could be honest. I just had to lie and go along with everything he said. Otherwise after the hour is up, I would be the one going home with him and the fallout would have been bad.
In fact at the time I didn’t realise it was an abusive relationship. I got lucky in that the final Relate counsellor we saw (we went to 4), told us that she couldn’t help us until he had sorted his drinking. Then a couple of days later called me privately and asked me to come back in alone as she was concerned. She explained what emotional abuse was and that she could see what was going on having met him. I will always be grateful to her!

Basically if it feels unsafe to unload your real feelings in a session then don’t – you are the one who has to go home with him afterwards. If you feel you can trust the counsellor then privately message him and explain. I hope it goes ok. Good luck.

[wildandfree]

Hi Bumblebee3

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am (detail removed by Moderator) years out and I still get pangs of pain that he is now the perfect partner. I still get angry that he got off scott free. He had sympathy from everyone because I abandoned him when he needed me. I am angry that he got the house and all my belongings except my clothes and a few books.

I was replaced (detail removed by Moderator) days after I finally walked out on him. She now lives part time at what was my family home. I have seen the photos of the places he has taken her, the gifts he has given her. The photos of the family holiday they went on with our children. We live in the same village and he has even brought her to the place I work, to hang out with our mutual friends. My imagination goes into overdrive questioning why the heck he couldn’t do all the nice things for me. Why did he feel it was ok to treat the woman he claimed to love so poorly, then be the perfect partner as soon as I leave.

It has taken me a long time to realise that he has not changed. He is just putting on a good show. It is a matter of time until the real him gradually returns. I am grateful every day that I am out. In someways I feel sorry for her that she has brought the latest ticket to his messed up circus of abuse and lies.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is normal to question why this man is now Mr Perfect and why couldn’t he be that for you. It is just a matter of time before it happens again to her.

You are out and free. It is a place so many wish they could be! As hard as it feels sometimes, this is your chance to rediscover you. Find the woman you used to be. Decide on the woman you want to be.
Well done for getting to where you are, you should be very proud of yourself.

[wildandfree]

Hi Emptyshell

I read your post and I could have written that! He sounds exactly like my ex. Mine suffered from depression (but also drank to escape his own thoughts). He was extremely articulate and was impossible to argue with. He would not back down, and I found I could not argue with him. I ended up feeling small and stupid. He would tell me that I was bad at communicating – turns out I am not, it is just he was the one who was not allowing me my own voice and twisting what ever I said.

What I am trying to say is that it does sound like an abusive relationship. I am out of mine now (took a while!), but from this distance I can see just how controlling and abusive it was. The above advice is great. Learn more about abuse and all the small insidious ways its occurs (so many thing were new to me – I just to think thats how relationships are). The Lundy Bancroft book is fantastic. A real eye opener.

Ask yourself would you want this type of relationship for your daughter/sister/best friend? Are the good times really worth the bad? You are not being overly sensitive. It is your instinct telling you it is not right!

You deserve to live a life without uncertainty. You deserve to live a life where you are not hiding or questioning yourself. You deserve happiness in your life and to not feel like you are just existing.

Keep coming back on here. You are not alone in this.
Sending much love and support.

[wildandfree]

Hey Controlled

I couldn’t just read and run. Your story is so familiar to me and probably to many women on here. Being controlled is awful. It takes all your sense of self and worth. But you are stronger than you realise. You are out physically. Mental and financial freedom takes longer.

When I left, I left everything because I finally realised my life was worth more than all of the things (thats not to say that it wasn’t hard and is still hard every day).

What I am saying is that you are not alone, even if it feels like it. Keep posting on here. Reach out to people you can trust.
Apologies for the short reply, but I am sending much love and strength. You are not alone. xx

[wildandfree]

Oh Whatarollercoaster

I could have written your message! That all sounded so familiar. I didn’t understand about sexual coercion. All the time I just thought there was something wrong with me, that I was wrong for not wanting to do all the things my ex wanted, or how often, or any of the other things that would make my skin crawl. I am understanding it now.

From what you have said, it is definitely sexual coercion. Do not feel guilty!! You have nothing to feel guilty about. It is abuse and control when you are at your most vulnerable. My ex used to do the whole sleep deprivation thing too (only just learning what this is). Going on and on and on late into the night. Alternating between nice, nasty and really needy. Saying to me (detail removed by moderator). This would go on night after night. 1, 2, or 3 in the morning. I was exhausted. Then it might stop for a night or two, but was still on edge so couldn’t sleep.

If you haven’t already read ‘Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. By Lundy Bancroft. I wish I had read it years ago. It helped me understand about sexual coercion and so much more.

Reach out for help if you can. Wishing you much strength.

[wildandfree]

Morning Hopeandstrength

Well done for getting out! It is one of the hardest things to do, and you’ve done it. Like you say, it is early days, the relief will come in time. May be not for a long time. you have so many emotions to go through first. And it is grief that you are feeling. Full on sobbing on the floor type grief for a future lost and for a life you thought you would have, or thought you should have had. I have been there. At times it felt like the tears would never stop. I thought I would never get past the guilt and the grief.

The relief didn’t come for a while for me. What I had to do when things were bad, was I looked at a photo of my children and knew that I would never let my children be in a relationship like mine. That I had to end the cycle and show them a healthy happy future.
I used to write a lot. My way of getting it out of my head was to get it on paper. I still do. But I look back on those early days and my heart breaks for how broken I was. The future you is so proud of you for taking the hardest step, she is willing you to keep going!!!

The relief will come in time. It might be just tiny moments. The relief of not having to justify where you are or why youre buying something, or whatever it is. Take the small wins, and build on them.
Find support if you can. Take care of yourself, and keep moving forward, even if sometimes you are barely moving.

Sending much love and support for your new future!!!

[wildandfree]

Hi Sunflowersunshine

Thanks for replying. Yes, I think it is the justifying why I left. The the world it felt like I was the bad guy, and partly I just want people to understand the kind of man he is. But I guess it wouldn’t really help.
I think I need to find some positive mantras to focus on when I find myself going down the rabbit hole of pointless imagined conversations.

[wildandfree]

You’re not alone here. Keep posting whenever you need.
Wishing you all the very best. Sunny days are coming.

[wildandfree]

You’re right, shoving it down doesn’t help in the long run. It has been a slow process for me to reach where I am now and I still feel I am still dealing with things. It would be so nice to switch off my thoughts!!
What I found helped me recently was reading ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. Another member mentioned it on here and it has been a game changer for me. I finally felt seen and heard. It put into words so many of the confusing emotions I had about missing them but also the grief and the anger at the abuse.
xx

[wildandfree]

Everything you have written could have been written by me. And I complelty understand the guilt. They will play on your kind side. Suddenly the nice behaviour to make you doubt yourself. It is all an act, designed to make you doubt yourself and feel guilt.
You have got this far, stay strong. Think about your future life free of all of that. Focus on raising your children free of that environment too.
I am out and I am not going to tell you it is easy, because it was one of the hardest things I did. But I got free.
Do the hard things now, and your future self will be so grateful to you.
Keep messaging on here any time you need. We’re all behind you.

[wildandfree]

Hi. You are certainly not being selfish. Something that helped me to stick to my decision, was what would I do if my children were in the same kind of relationship as me. Would I say stick with it, or would I have moved heaven and earth to get them out? You know your own answer. I kept thinking that I was doing this for them. To show them that that was not what a relationship should look like.
Find your purpose to leave and hold on to it. If I did it just for me I would have stayed because I didn’t think I deserved happiness, that I was somehow broken and I got the life I deserved (I was so wrong!). But I didn’t want the same for my children. They were my purpose to leave and never go back.

What I am saying is, you are not selfish. I understand the guilt that comes with leaving. I had all the threats. He said he couldn’t live without me etc (he found someone new the week I moved out so I guess he was fine).
Focus on YOUR future.
Here if you ever need to chat.
W&F

[wildandfree]

Hey Emptyshell

If you do go to counselling today, I hope it goes ok. Trust your instincts and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing certain things, then don’t. Although my ex was not physically abusive (well once), he could be intimidating and unpredictable in his moods. If I had really opened up in a session, I would have been scared of going home with him afterwards.

You said in a below message that the idea of abuse is new to you. I was in a similar situation. Things felt wrong. I couldn’t reconcile the two versions of this man that I loved. I couldn’t believe that he could tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, but could control and belittle and disrespect me. In my head, abused women were ones who had to cover up bruises and say they walked in to doors. I was so grateful that I finally felt ‘seen’ by the Relate counsellor. I wasn’t over reacting. Although it took me a few more years until I fully took it on board and finally left.

Good luck today. Here if you ever need to chat.

[Author]

Posts