Anabela

[Anabela]

Thank you both for the nice comments 🙂 🙂
If not for this masters I think I would have gone back to him very quickly. But having this commitment (financial especially as the studies were expensive and I did not want my parents to have wasted the tuition fee) let me focus on other things rather than him and pushed me forward when my heart wanted to go backwards.

HopeLifeJoy, this low self-esteem thing is so annoying to have. But it’s good that there is another voice quitely nagging you 😉 And it’s powerful!!!

[Anabela]

I can’t emphasize the importance of no contact enough. I managed to leave my ex for good only when I blocked any possible channel he could use to reach me: blocked him on social media, changed my number, change my email and deleted an old account. I cut the contact with a good friend because she was passing messages from him.
Only when I stopped hearing about him, I started the process of moving on.
p.s. so proud of you for leaving!!

[Anabela]

Hey. I understand that you miss him. And you do know that being submissive is not the kind of life you would want for yourself, right? Of course he does have the charming side, otherwise you never would have gotten in that relationship in a first place. But it is not enough to outweigh the bully side of him. When someone screams at you and is uncontrollably angry is horrible. Maybe it is best not to go to that (detail removed by Moderator) so that you would not slip back into relationship with him? I understand he would be at that (detail removed by Moderator) as well? (detail removed by Moderator) is romantic, some alcohol, you feel like missing him and you might get back to square one?
When I left my ex, I also had to cut contact with two very dear people to me as they were related to him and I realized it was not possible to leave him and live in peace while having that bridge between me and him. It was a very painful decision to make so I can understand you are feeling torn as you get on well with his family.
Basically, all I wanted to say that I understand how you feel.

[Anabela]

I understand very well how awful it feels when he threatens suicide. Mine loved his tactic as it always worked for him. I would get so worried, I would forget why I tried to end the relationship and as soon as I see that he is in fact alive nothing else matters, and we get back to square one.
Once I was also led to believe through a third party that he in fact committed suicide and i had a horrible few hours crying my eyes out until I got a confirmation that the email did not mean he died.
While there are cases that suicide does happen, there are so many as a tool of control because they know it works. As others advised, I think it is a good solution either call ambulance/police or his family members if you feel scared he did / about to do something to himself. You want to leave because he was abusive and what he does is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Not a child.

[Anabela]

I don’t think it was definitely that last straw as I am not really sure myself which event was. But. He assaulted me physically and there was a court case going on. Meanwhile, he tried to prove to me that he changed. But while he was proving to me, emotional abuse got really intense. And I remember sitting with him in a cafe, he was doing the talking. In such a “caring” and nice voice. Can’t remember what exactly he said, but it was stuff about my family how they are treating me like a vegetable and things like that. I could not even describe that conversation because he was not shouting, he was not calling me names. Yet, I was feeling awful. And I realized that he might not hit me again (if he learn his lesson). I might prove to him that name calling is wrong. But I will never be able to show him that this kind of conversations are equally painful. It’s kind of gaslighting when you stop understanding your own reality. And I just understood for good that he will never ever change.

[Anabela]

At a time when I was still living with hom I was dreaming of having tea in my room. I was not allowed tea upstairs as that might ruin the carpet. When i moved out and lived in a shared house, I kept a kettle in my room so that I could have tea whenever I fancy.

[Anabela]

Right now what I do in terms of self care – going for walks to the old town of my city. Going for coffee. Also, going to see a therapist. Taking long showers with a nice smelling shower gel (I have a radio in my shower, so I actually like dancing in a shower sometimes when I need that). Cuddling my cat. Baking – as this is what I love to do just don’t have time to do it often.
Also, having my nails done or having a spa ritual for my hair every few months.

[Anabela]

I would like to join you, Mimosa, in saying thank you. If not for this forum, I don’t know if I had managed to leave my abusive relationship. It is so amazing that all the women here are so patient and understanding and there is no judgment at all. This forum is wonderful. A safe environment where you will always be understood.

[Anabela]

Todays is also a bad day for me. While many days I feel I have moved on, last night I had a dream that I saw him and we kissed and it felt good. I woke up missing him and had a cry in a shower…. and whole day felt sorry that such love was wasted.
But then watched a domestic violence rap clip to remind myself that no they never change. Yes, its a good thing i left him. I could have been dead but i am not and i am fine.
I really understand how you feel xx

[Anabela]

Hey. I understand that you love him and that it is incredible hard to leave. But as other women said – leaving would be best. Abusers don’t change. You had a few nice days (probably the “honeymoon” days) and then the story repeats. I am so sorry to hear that you had a stressful pregnancy. I don’t have kids but I’d imagine this is the time when a woman should be pampered and all that.
You don’t have to feel ashamed for coming back to him. It usually takes more than one attempt to leave abusive relationship. And I personally think it is even harder to leave emotional abusive partner than physical abusive because it makes you question yourself even more.
You are about to be a Mom and kids react to the abuse. Also, abuse can escalate when a child is born. It’s up to you to make a decision and when to make a decision. It would be great if you could find someone to talk to face to face about what is going on.that’s what helped me most when I was preparing myself to leave him – talking.
Hugs xx

[Anabela]

Thank you for your replies 🙂 It is nice to be understood here.💖
I do have some friends who would never think of making that kind of comment and somehow can understand me without judgment. But when I am met with judgmental expressions…

[Anabela]

I can understand how much harder it is to leave when you have kids. And how financial constraints are an issue. However,it is worth leaving just because the kids would not grow up thinking it is normal family relationship and abuse is okay.When things are being smashed it is pretty scary.
You are not a drama queen and in your family there is a lot of drama going on which he is creating. You don’t need to make any decision right here right now, but calling women’s aid is a good first step. they can give practical advise and hopefully then you would feel less alone.xx

[Anabela]

While I was still in abusive relationship I was constantly watching and reading these types of things. Any short movie I could find on domestic violence on youtube, any novel related to abuse that I could get my hands on. I think I needed that kind of material to realize how serious my situation was and how much I needed to get out. And to motivate myself to get out. I remember when I read novel “run mummy run” I was hiding this book in sealed envelope inside my bag so that he would not come across it and binned it in the coffee shop when I finished it thinking this was a ticking bomb. When I left and was still missing him or that cycle when after bad periods come good ones I was listening to Eminem non stop (never been his fan before).
Now, I am starting to avoid these types of movies and books as they do start to trigger.
But I imagine it can be a good wake up call for someone 🙂

[Anabela]

I called the police after he assaulted me and took my house keys. It was impulsive decision. it was not the first time i experienced or witnessed his physical violence but probably the most serious and scariest one. The police officer said I should have come to them earlier.
There were times when I regretted reporting him as our relationship still continued for a bit. but in the end I am so glad I did. It gave me closure. It gave me restraining order. It gave me freedom. And it made me feel like I stood up for myself. I let the authorities deal with him. He received his sentence and I feel that I have forgiven him and can move on with my life.
From my experience UK police is absolutely amazing.

[Anabela]

Hello!! Your post and your inner wars so reminded me of my story. Even though his physical abuse was not to such extreme. Plan your escape very carefully as he sounds to be capable of anything when you do try to leave. I would say call women’s aid and they could help you with a safety plan. Have you ever been to police regarding his violence?
When I tried to leave I underestimated his reaction big time. At that moment his violence escalated but it gave me a courage to make a statement to the police. (and that was my freedom ticket)
If you get those moments of doubt (which is trauma bond) while planning your escape , read your post. Your post is terrifying and there is no sense of love from his side. Control, obsession, possession, madness, but not love.
You have a fighting spirit, you will break free.
Hugs. xx

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