Appleblossom

[Appleblossom]

Thanks KIP!! Xxxxx

[Appleblossom]

Time, and lots of it. Also, acknowledge these nightmares as a healing process. Believe at some point they will part of the past.

I’ve not had some for a while, but I was getting them very regularly. They were really intense, and would
Knock me back for a few days. Those days are tough, but be kind to yourself, treat yourself nicely, have some lovely smelliest, wear your favourite clothes, see or speak to some dear friends and know that YOU ARE AWESOME.

Much love and hugs. It DOES get better. Still have the odd off day, but it does I promise xxxxx

[Appleblossom]

When he used our at the time very young daughter to keep me in check and under control. I’d promised myself that the first time I had any sign my wonderful daughter was being affected by his shameless narcissistic bullying, that was it. 3 days later we had a restraining order. It was one of the most painful things I have had to endure, and often I felt mad with stress. But it was worth it. Stand tall, take each step, each breath as it comes. You will get there. One thing that helped me was:

“ it’ll be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end” 💖💖💖

[Appleblossom]

Oh iwillbeok, you definitely will.

This will pass, remember tough times end, but tough people last. Xxx

[Appleblossom]

Thanks Lisa and Serenity,

Totally true about the pain that abuse leaves behind. I’m on a mission to get fit, and as you do rightly say, look after myself better.

Thanks again. The support on this forum is invaluable!

Xxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi Misssy,

I could have written your post!

The dx has been doing the same to us. He reads his disruptive and manipulative head every few months. It’s centred around the little one, however he had no interest in actually being a father to her. It’s incredibly painful. I’ve tried my best to shield her, like you.

The ex also “ threatened” to go to court to apply for childcare arrangements. I gad a nerve wracking few weeks, because although I was getting ready to go through the process, I was massively dreading it. And then? Nothing. It does my head in that after all this time he still gets to me and my resolve gets worn down. But, as my mum says I am the only person who can face this. And I am determined that I will do this with strength and Balls of Steel. An occasional wobble is fine! Keep strong, as only you know how Misssst!! All the best xxxx

[Appleblossom]

So sorry ladies for your loss. I can’t eeven imagine how awful it’d be to lose your mother on top of everything. Be kind to yourselves. We’re rooting for you 💖💖💖💖

[Appleblossom]

Ha ha Rock and Roll, I thought the same thing- I was thinking x number of years until my little one goes to university then I’ll leave him. He forced my hand. Loser.

[Appleblossom]

Hi, start planning for safety. Set up a bank account that he doesn’t know about and start saving up. I stayed with my girl’s father through years of yo-young abuse. One minute he’s fine and lovely and thoughtful, literally the next he’s turn into a monster and chase me around the house. Over nothing- food shopping once 🙁

I never thought I’d leave him. I thought I had enough strength to put up with his crap, so I could give my girl that “perfect” family. But his abuse escalated to include my family, and scarily our little one. That was always, in my mind the time I would pull the plug. I’d promised myself that as soon as I saw evidence of her being affected negatively we’d leave. And we did. Just over (detail removed by Moderator) now. I hate being a single mother. I hate being single. I hate not being a cosy married couple. I hate the hell my girl and I went through, but, leaving was the best thing we did. We have peace. It doesn’t feel like my head will explode with stress. I’m not terrified all the time. My girl is flourishing. I can finally “ like” myself again. I can see myself for the alright person I have turned into. We have good friends, and a full and busy life. I’m exhausted all the time, but my mind is clear. The flashbacks persist. I still cry, I still miss the man I fell in love with and married so confidently. But it had to be done. The way I see it is that everyone has their cross to bear, and this is mine. And as painful as it is, I aim, with the Grace of God to do it with style 😉

Good luck. Start planning. Start saving. Xxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi positive,

Sorry you’ve had such an awful time.

Definitely take some time off, you need to heal. If you broke a bone you’d take time off sick! Also, try to keep your hands busy whilst you feel so low. It calms you- perhaps crochet? Or knitting? I taught myself to sew when things were really bad for me. and not only does your brain calm down, you have something to show for the time you have spent resting. Look after yourself.

Also, again when things were really bad, I used to call a Samaritans helpline, just to get me over the hump of feeling so low. Well worth it.

Keep strong. Xxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi Shine Bright,

So sorry you’re going through such an awful time. I didn’t have the same experience but in the days, weeks even months after we fled, the only way I kept going is by telling myself to literally break everything down. If I was walking down a corridor I would tell myself left foot then right. Sometimes even breathe in etc. You can and will do it. And one day you’ll look back and be thankful you’re not there anymore.

Best of Lucknow Shine. Do it for the new, wonderful shiny new you and your precious children xxxxx

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your kind words Serenity! It certainly has been a challenge, but I’m a different person. Xx

[Appleblossom]

Evening ladies,

I found a really good book – when daddy hurts mummy” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s well written and has some good case studies. I found it gave me the strength and belief that I was doing the right thing by protecting the most precious thing in the world to me, my daughter. It gives good ideas about how to talk about things in an age appropriate way. Good luck ladies. Keep fighting the good fight. Even on the wobbly days xx

[Appleblossom]

Oh my goodness. How awful. Get in touch with someone, the police or call the national domestic helpline please. Don’t let him gas light you. Don’t let him into the house. Please keep safe. I had similar things happen to me though not to the extent you’ve just gone through. Please make sure you’re safe. Lock your doors, don’t let him in. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I’ve just come out of a similar situation and I’m in a better place. Believe it’s going to get better.

Look after yourself. Sending you
Massive hugs

[Appleblossom]

Hey Ssss,

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s like sustained torture! I totally get the apprehension to leave. Took me years, lots of calls to the police, but finally the help of the local domestic violence unit made me brave enough to leave. I remember even when I left I thought it was temporary and hoped that he’d changed. But they’ll never change. There’s the freedom programme which you can do online. It’s incredibly helpful. It’s a shock when you you see the behaviour of your partner described in black and white. I found it helpful because you realise that yes, he genuinely is an unpleasant piece of work.

I think everyone’s experiences are slightly different however that constant fear, always being in flight mode, always having an ear open for him stomping around the house, stepping on eggshells are all too common.

He tipped me out of bed too when I was pregnant, because he wanted to sleep on my side of the bed. He threw my clothes out of the hotel window when we were abroad on holiday. He took my passport from me when we were on another holiday. To name a few. But aside from the violent episodes, one of the worst ones were when he made me stay in a room which was crawling with insects. Just to mess with my head. I was shaking in fear, but listened to him, and didn’t leave the room just so he didn’t kick off. I was terrified. Awful awful mind games.

My girl and I fled last year. The peace, even though you’re going mad with stress and upset is wonderful. You can breathe again.

Good luck, you will know when the right time to leave is. But get support. There are some amazing people out there who will help xxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi, I’m sorry you’re having those awful dreams. I must say I had a couple
Of months of awful vivid nightmares,
And I’d wake up absolutely terrified not knowing what was real or not. But they pass.
It’s your brain’s way of
Processing the terrible time you’ve been
Through. My psychologist reassured me that I had put up with the abuse for so many years, the brain needed time to heal.

Just look after yourself. Prioritise yourself and your brave healing heart.

The nightmares will get better. Good luck xxxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi Robin,

I’m so sorry you and your child are going through this. My little one and I came away at the end of last year.

This was after years of behaviour almost exactly as you have described. The police were called countless times, I was referred,to a local support agency. They were amazing. They told me about the freedom programme. There’s a good book you can buy online by Pat Craven. It tells you about all the different abusive sides. I used to explain away my ex- husband’s outbursts all the time – he’s stressed, he’s lots of work on, it was my fault. This book a helped me to see the man I’d so happily married years ago had changed into an abusive monster. one of the hardest things is that he CHOSE to do all this. They always do. They know exactly how to push your buttons to terrify you into submission. He’ll keep pushing further. I’ve only just after almost (detail removed by moderator)months after leaving, accepted he won’t change. No matter how much I loved and supported him.

I read somewhere that after leaving, even the worst days you had were still better that the “best” days before you left. It’s completely true. Please do some research (end the fear.co.uk is good,national domestic violence helpline) , have an escape plan ready put some money aside, find out where you can Go, then just do it. It’ll be hard. Without a doubt, but it’s worth it. I promise. There are so many wonderful people out there who will support you through it.

It’s funny, I feel nervous for you, as the weekend is coming up. I remember this trepidation so clearly. Please keep safe. Start planning xxxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi iwillbeok. I totally get it. I’ve had a particularly bad day today. I can’t stop crying. If I’m doing something for example reading or my brain is being used, I’m ok. When I stop I will just cry and cry. I’m fed up. My daughter and I came away end of last year and it has been a brutally painful time. I’d never go back though.

My daughter and I are definitely in a better place. But i feel just so so awful. I can’t get myself out of this slump. I really hoped i would feel happier by now 🙁

[Appleblossom]

Thanks ladies. That’s all really helpful!

I’m very worried about this whole situation. He’s good at manipulating people and twisting things round. I was supposed to have heard by now if he is putting a claim in but it’s all gone quiet again. I’ve been on tenterhooks, but based on your advice and sharing your experiences, I’m going to write everything down and have it ready for if and when he does. Getting the restraining order and the process was harrowing, not looking
Forward to this at all, but I’ll do the best I can for my little girl.

Thank you again, you wonderful people xxxx

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