Ayanna

[Ayanna]

Hi Rainydays, this guy is unfortunately a freeloader.
Please, don’t marry him.
If he was not able to secure himself a pension that’s entirely his own fault.
You are not responsible for his ailments and inabilities.
He can live on benefits if he is unable to do anything for himself.
He is never your responsibility and you have no obligation to ever give him anything of your money.
The best thing to do with him is to kick him out far, in my opinion. And never let him return.

[Ayanna]

It seems that the services have deteriorated.
The events of the last few years have all an impact on the finances for services for women and children.
We always come last in patriarchy and I do expect that it will get even worse.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are safe.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.
It was not your task to fix him.
What you say about him reminds me of my ex abuser.
They all have such enormously silly reasonings. He did it because he was so passionate…..
Did he also say he loved you too much … Looool.
If he had loved you he would have never ever hurt you.
I heard the same nonsense.
None of what has happened was your fault.
It is his responsibility.
He is an adult. He does not need anyone to protect him.
What he needs is to be punished for what he has done to you.
Stay strong.
You deserve better and you have taken the right steps.

[Ayanna]

I have lots of flashbacks and as I have spoken about some very traumatic events at length in therapy recently, the flashbacks became intense and more frightening.
I make sure I have soft pillows at hand and warm blankets to wrap me in. That helps me to feel safe.
I get up from where I am and walk a few steps to take me away from the spot where I had the flashbacks.
I do something to ground me, like smelling on a bottle of perfume or massaging my face, drinking hot tea, turning on the TV or radio, checking the messages on my phone…..
I find facebook really helpful recently, as I have friends all over the world and somewhere else it is morning or a good time to talk and we can chat smalltalk about anything.

[Ayanna]

I had the same experience with these free legal advice places.
Have you tried the NCDV?
They were the only ones who were serious at that time and helped me to write my statements properly for the non molestation and occupation orders.
I got a lot of information from google, different forums and also cheap online legal advice.
I also found a lawyer through my union, who was very helpful when the anxiety during the awful divorce was extremely high.
I got bits and pieces of informations and I puzzled them together.
I hardly slept. I was on my case 24/7.

[Ayanna]

I wish you strength KIP, it will still bring up a lot of emotions.
Recently I have thought how I would feel if I did re-uptake the court trial for the rapes and sexual assaults. My interview is with the police.
He would deserve it.
But I do not feel strong enough and going through that traumatic process will be detrimental for the fragile balance I have achieved now. And it might not be worth all the effort, as there are no witnesses.
I think, I will leave the past in the past and carry on to rebuild my life.
My best revenge will be a book one day.

[Ayanna]

What you should really do is pack your things together and flee into the next refuge to never ever return.
Find out how to get into a refuge and where there is one with a space for you.
You need to do this without much thinking, otherwise you will never do it.

You are fully aware how bad your situation is and how trapped you are with this guy.

I am sure you also understand that things will never improve again, they will get worse gradually and one day your life will be in real danger.

You are not happy and not comfortable living like this.

So, what’s the alternative to that situation?
Leaving is the only alternative. That gives you a chance to get a happier life.

Once you left you need to block him so that he can never reach you again.

You deserve better and you can do better.
You can achieve so much you do not even know now.
Do not say anything to him. Just do it when he is in his delirium and not aware of his environment or not at home.

[Ayanna]

Holidays were horrible.
He beat me in public in the foreign country and sabotaged anything that I would have enjoyed to do.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you got rid of the coil.
I find it such an unhealthy thing to have in the body.
You could work on your liver to detox your body from excess hormone leftovers, with milk thistle, betaine, chlorella, dandelion.

[Ayanna]

Serenity, it is so good to see your post!
The perpetrator’s small acts of terror certainly cannot help with your PTSD.
I find it outrageous that you could be labelled as someone who overdramatises if you did report when he oversteps the set boundaries.
I am glad your son receives some support. Hopefully he loses interest in his father as he gets the support and learns more about himself.
Maybe you can ignore your mother and sister and refuse them any participation in your life.

[Ayanna]

Don’t withdraw your statement!
Stand up to him!
Abusers are often clever in hiding what they do, especially when they are n*********s.
You should not think of getting back together with him.
Plan your life without him.
He will never change. He will only become more dangerous and you will suffer more.
Free yourself! xx

[Ayanna]

In the risk assessment for victims of domestic abuse there is a question, whether the perpetrator also abuses animals.
If he does the risk for the victim increases!!!

When I got out I totally blanked out that he abused animals.
We had no pets, but he abused ducks and swans and scared dogs and cats and found it all very funny, whilst I cried inside for the poor animals. He did it unexpectedly, so that I was in the situation all of a sudden, paralyzed, in disbelief and feeling extremely ashamed for him. I could not criticize him, because if I did he would beat me and call me paranoid and the abuse would go on for hours once we reached home. He was that awful.

Be aware that he is an even greater risk for your safety, because he abuses animals.
You need to get out. xx

[Ayanna]

It is never too late to take up counseling.
Speak to your GP about therapy and get a referral.
Abuse leaves deep mental scars and without help they will never smoothen out.
The experience was obviously so traumatic for you that it took you all these years to begin the process of realisation only recently.
The time for you to deal with it and to confront yourself with the immense hurt it has caused you is probably now.

[Ayanna]

I think you should use this opportunity to observe men.
You will see different men acting differently in same situations.
At the same time keep yourself educating about abusive behaviours.
Over time you will become very knowledgeable about the rights and wrongs and also know what you want and what you do not want.
You will also instantly recognize an abuser, even if he is a sweet-talker.
As mentioned above by maddog, watch the video clip from the Thames Valley Police about tea and consent.
You have been through unspeakable horror and it will take time and patience to find your way.
Be gentle with yourself and keep posting, keep reading, keep observing.

[Ayanna]

Hang in there.
You have been so incredibly brave. You will see this through.
Regarding the scars: If they hurt you, cause you restrictions in movement and/or mental health issues the NHS can pay for their correction.
Let a plastic surgeon review them. The GP does not have the last word in this.
Stay strong. Things will get easier over time. xx

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