Bambe

[Bambe]

You’re a good person for caring. Sounds like things were tough for you to have to up and leave indicates you’ve done the best thing for yourself and children. Unfortunately it’s his actions that has caused him to miss out, not yours, so try not to be so hard on yourself. You can’t help the way he has behaved. I knows it’s easier said than done.

I have very young children and going through a divorce unfortunately we’re living together so my guilt is for my children having to be living in this atmosphere.

Sounds like you’re a very kind person and your children are lucky to have you show them the way in life.

Focus on you and enjoy them. Be proud you’ve done the steps you have to keep you all safe xxxx

[Bambe]

I too have started the divorce process and it’s only been a couple months with little movement.

Just know you’re doing the right thing and freedom will soon be here. It’s kept me pushing through the awful times and the awful atmosphere.

I try to get out the house as much as I can. Keep posting it helps to clear your mind and know you’re not alone.

I’ve found over the last couple of months his moods and actions have changed rapidly so it’s best to have a safety plan for peace of mind.

He’s been the nastiest he’s ever been but the least couple weeks is a different person telling me everything I want to hear and almost swaying my mind.

Stay strong and take each day as it comes. If you ever want to message please do xxxx

[Bambe]

Hi Fairyliquid, sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so easy to believe there words and overtime it can have a huge impact on how you see yourself.

For years I have tried to please my husband thinking if I can just change and do what he asks then it will all be ok- I could never do anything right, and every time I did what he was asking from me… his needs/expectations would require more from me. When I felt confident in myself the criticism would come and putting me right back down again. I was never good enough. Which now I realise I was good enough, I gave my all, which was enough.

The best thing I did was reach out to others. I started on this forum, which helped me see it for what it is. After that I’d reach out to family and now I have friends! Once you have that support behind you it’s amazing what you can overcome.

I hope you have family or someone you can reach out too, you can always message me if you’re feeling lonely. Just know your feelings are valid and listen to them. If you feel something isn’t right, then it’s not.

Somebody on here recommended Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that- he’s amazing. He really opened my eyes and helped me to explain what was going on when I had no idea where to start but knew it wasn’t right. He’s on a lot of podcasts too.

Hope this helps. Xxx

[Bambe]

(detail removed by Moderator) It’s only started a couple months ago and we’re only just moving onto the deep stuff now, so I’m unsure how long the process will take. I suppose everyone is different. (detail removed by Moderator). We own and with me having no substantial income I’m home to stay until I’ve found my feet, but I won’t hold my breath. What will be will be.

I’ll do a calculator now, thank you! Yes I get child benefit (detail removed by Moderator). Which I’m hoping to keep aside for solicitor fees.

Every day it’s a fight but I know it’s for the best.

How are you since your divorce? Are things much better? Hope so.

Thank you for replying Bananaboat

Xx

[Bambe]

Ahhhh go bumblebee!!! You should be proud of yourself. Absolutely amazing post.

I hope this path of positivity carries on for you☀️☀️☀️

Xxxxxxx

[Bambe]

I know it’s not huge advise but if your in Facebook have a listen through- The Legal Queen

She does great videos and shares so much information on people in all different situation. I think she’d be able to help you with some questions you may have. I’m going through divorce too and she’s answered a lot of my questions just by scrolling through and having a listen.

Hope this helps xxxx

[Bambe]

Happy international woman’s day.
Great post keep up that positivity!! Xxxxxx

[Bambe]

Thank you all for your advice/ support.

I feel a-lot of pressure for doing the right thing for the kids and today I’ve realised they’re on to
It alot more than I realised. So I’ll do what I can and put things in place and hope this nightmare is over soon. Sad to think that it probs won’t ever be as they do seem to always control/ bring you down even when you’ve found the courage to walk away.

This forum is honesty amazing and the relief I got to have notifications to hear from you ladies who understand is fab. I have a great supportive family but they don’t understand everything.

Hope you’re all safe and happy.

Thanks again xxxxx

[Bambe]

Yes very little, bless them. I wouldn’t want to stop all contact for them as I don’t think it’s fair- he can quilt trip my eldest and tends to be manipulative. But I would feel so much guilt if they were to ask and I kept them from seeing him.

Yes still living together so things are awful at home. I try my best to cover it up in front of them but there are still unnecessary comments and always atmosphere in the home.

I just wish I could speed the process up- but I know it’s out of my hands.

Thank you for your reply. Hopefully things smooth out and I don’t have to get to that step but police have been to give warning as a few times I’ve been harassed and unable to avoid certain situations. Not easy😞😞😞

Thanks again. Hope you’re ok. X x x

[Bambe]

I can relate to your post so much. I too found the strength to stand up for myself to say Im not being treated this way anymore, unfortunately we have a holiday planned with young children who are so excited so things have had to be put on hold until after the holiday. He knows I want to divorce and once I’ve figured finances out I will do so. But he is telling me about his feelings, how I still need to do more and that all the blame is on him I just need to admit I’ve been emotionally neglecting him.

He will tell me everything he thinks I want to hear and then when I’m not reciprocating it back it’s all blame back on me. It’s changed so often within (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Im about to go away for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks with him also his controlling (detail removed by Moderator)!

He still seems to think he is the decision maker and him only. And that I have to fulfil his needs and knows im scared to speak up cause of these (detail removed by Moderator) weeks I have to spend with him.

I wish I could help you, you aren’t alone.

Stay strong and find your voice. I keep telling myself the same thing.

Keep posting, it’s great for your own mind and others- just to know we aren’t alone.

Xxx

[Bambe]

I’ve also listened to a lot of Lundy bancrofts podcast on Spotify & oprah winfrey on YouTube… I find her motivational speech make me feel stronger and realise I am capable and have a voice. Xxxx

[Bambe]

I really hope these comments have helped you. And I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through… you must be so much stronger than you realise to be still trying to figure things out.

Listen to your feelings. I really wish I could help you, it is so confusing when it’s so up and down and especially when there’s kids involved. Sounds like you have put up with an awful lot- more than anyone should have to in a life time. You are worthy of happiness and you deserve to live your best life. With your children. And it is possible. And I pray that comes for you very soon x x x

[Bambe]

Hi umbrella!

My husband has had anti depressant tables prescribed from the Dr over (removed by moderator) now. He hasn’t yet taken a tablet. He said last year he was suicidal and went as far as making a video saying goodbye to our children and left me a letter blaming me for his mental health saying I had changed since having children and he missed his ‘best friend’ – I basically started to stand up for myself since having children as I want to set a better example for them. And all the attention is no longer on him.

It then hadn’t been spoken off until (removed by moderator) when he told me he was suicidal (removed by moderator) but still hasn’t took any tablets. He says that if we’re ok he knows he’ll be ok. This conversation came up (removed by moderator) after I told him I wanted to divorce.

I’ve then told him we don’t have to make a decision just yet as I was worried I would set him off and don’t want him to do anything to harm himself. Since that conversation he seems fine. You would never know any different. I believe it was a tactic to keep me in his control which has happened.

Hope this helps!!

Xx

T

[Bambe]

Hi little pea!

I experience this so often! To the way I greet him at the door to how I come down in the morning and say good morning… I can’t do right and am made to feel guilty. Then it goes to appreciation for his hard work or paying the kids too much attention.

Every topic in life he can tell me that I need to improve but I know whatever I do won’t be enough.

I have young children so when I’m tired and grumpy and blame myself often which comes with lots of guilt and self blame.

I’ve started to read ‘why does he do that’ which has been a big eye opener explains all the different types of abuse. The type I receive is subtle, at times obvious and nasty and mainly Criticism over everything and anything. They come in patterns weekly and I never know how long each stage will last. He’s currently apologetic for mistreating me as I’ve stood up for myself to walk away but know he’s confusing me as he’s saying all the right stuff I want to hear followed by his mental health.

I hope this helps and maybe you grab relate.

Stay strong and trust your feelings x x x x

[Bambe]

I finally got strong enough to tell him I’m wanting to go our separate ways. Stupid of me really, as I should have just started the divorce by calling a solicitor as it blew up as expected but the next day was so so nice. Sending pictures telling me we had good times and he lost sight of everything he has. Full 360.

Without him asking my feelings and considering I said I wanted to go our separate ways he’s still thinking we’re going to get through this. He’s making more effort with the children and is now off work so he’s around a lot more which is killing me as I have no space.

He always seems to have no work when he knows I’ll be home/around.

He went to therapy (detail removed by Moderator) who said she sees ADHD and autism in him. I’ve suggest ADHD previously but he seems to be listening to her. He’s know saying give it 6 months, I’m unsure whether I’m past it now and I just need to walk away but breaking my family up kills me. Although it’s me and the children already (kind of a broken family) from what he’s saying he’s going to get the love off them instead of me. Unsure what’s best.

[Bambe]

So inspiring that you’ve took the steps that you have.

Sounds like you’ve done the hardest part and you’re on the path to a new and happier life. I know if my daughter was taking the steps you are, I’d be so proud.

Keep your chin up, I hope everything works out for you x

[Bambe]

I’m unsure why.. maybe it’s for the peace of mind- but I’ve started to log anything that he brings up and behaves a certain way in my calendar on my phone.

It jumps out how much it’s taking over etc might help it sink in more if you can see it written down. But obviously please don’t if it may get you into trouble.x

[Bambe]

Thank you all so much for commenting. Muddy boots & gettingtired I really can relate.
Sorry I’ve not had a minute to myself lol…

Oh my goodness it’s happening again and so clearly this time. He’s been very off all weekend and when I asked why it had been so awful today (he didn’t speak to me unless he had too and when he did it was with a tone) he said Ive been ignoring him, I don’t go to kiss or hug him, he’s speaking and it’s going in one ear out the other, my family came up.

He was going forward and back with what he was saying like he didn’t clearly know himself. He thinks I don’t love him. so I said I needed a week apart because I can’t go on like this. With it being our daughters birthday soon he’s wanting to wait till after?! Unsure what to do or how to be.

My steps are moving quicker than I expected but I’ve ordered my first book ‘you can heal your life’ and I’ve also got a solicitor who’s been suggested through a family member who I’ll call tomorrow and hopefully arrange a free hour appointment.

It’s heartbreaking and very serious this time. But the way I’ve felt all day is not healthy and after hearing from you and realising that this will more than likely progress worst than change and isn’t normal will hopefully push me on. I’m so young and have so much going that I want to enjoy and soak in every moment which I’ve realised im really not and weeks/months are flying by.

Thank you all for your support sorry I’m blabbering on.. you’ve all helped so much and didn’t feel so alone.

[Bambe]

Thank you both for your kind & supportive words. I have no clue where to begin as I have no job, money, car of my own etc. But thank goodness I have my family.

I will start the ball moving and make a difference for my children, especially my little girl who at times you can tell she’s been around this awful behaviour.
He’s really on one today barely spoken a word to me, Covid doesn’t make it any easier but I have formed a support bubble with my mum due to have 2 under the age of 5.

Change of plan I hope you are in a good place- are you still in the relationship?

[Bambe]

Hi marmalade

Thank you for your response. I didn’t think it was a simple question to ask, as you say everyone story is different. I will seek legal advice on the matter.

Thanks again x x

[Bambe]

Thanks footballfan1. All the above tactics is what I expect and I wouldn’t be shocked if they happened. I’ve experienced stalking & harassment over the (detail removed by Moderator), so things are escalating but I have reported this.
I also have a case worker who I express any concern too and have been into my children’s schools/nurseries to raise any concern and to make them aware what position we are all in. I receive legal aid. When I speak with solicitors I will state my concerns I have as you say you have to be prepared & I need to know I did everything I can to help them.
I really hope you and your children have healed from the abuse you received and hope you all received the support you need. It’s dreadful that they could harm such innocent minds.
I appreciate your honesty so please don’t feel you’ve said anything you shouldn’t.

I’ll defo purchase the book. I’m listening to podcasts to help guide me which worries me in case my children’s needs/worries aren’t heard.

Did you struggle getting the 0 contact and is that for you? Or children too? Hope you don’t mind me asking.

Thank you for you reply xxx

[Bambe]

You too honey. We will get there! We’re on the right path. Hope you find the info you need xxxx

[Bambe]

Thank you for your reply. Yes partner knows-
He’s the one who actually went and got the process moving. I think it was another scare tactic in hope that I’d run back and beg for him as he’s always threatened me with divorce and got closer to actually doing it each time. (detail removed by Moderator).

Hope everything is working out with you x x

[Bambe]

Muddy boots just came on as still in the same rut. I wondered what position you’re in?

I hope your well.

X

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