Camel

[Camel]

Your abuser has created a situation where whatever you do it will be the wrong choice. Can you see that everything she says is contradictory? She wants you to go. She doesn’t want you to go. How on earth are you supposed to make rational decisions when you’re dealing with such irrational outburst from her? You are shouldering all the emotional baggage in this relationship. That’s not fair is it? Try to remember that you are only responsible for your own well being. She is entirely responsible for hers.

[Camel]

Anyone would feel numb after fearing for their life and surviving. You are incredibly strong so I don’t think you need to worry that you’ll be crushed when you start to process everything. You gave your abuser another chance and you suffered greatly. You’ve changed and know you had a lucky escape. He, on the other hand, hasn’t changed. He’s using the same old tactics to get you back. Feeling unmoved by his texts is powerful. I expect that feeling nothing is very strange after months of feeling everything all at once.

[Camel]

Although you say your husband is planning on moving out, you don’t actually say he’s planning a divorce. All his talk of legal advice, alienation and custody arrangements are meaningless until such time as divorce papers are served. Moving out doesn’t free him from his financial obligations either.

I believe that you will feel less confused once you take back control.

Get independent legal advice, preferably someone who understands the dynamics of abuse.

Get strong financial advice too. Your husband may have got rich by keeping you poor whilst married, not so once divorced. Gather evidence – income, pensions, savings, bank accounts, credit cards, debts and loans. If you can’t find it, don’t worry, he will be obligated to reveal everything if you make the division of assets part of divorce proceedings.

As for your concerns re. how he’s unequipped to care for your youngest, I’d suggest trying not to worry too much about something that’s way off in the future. I expect it’s all talk but when he brings up childcare be non-comital and reasonable. Agree to share, he’s their father, like it or not. You can go to court later, if you have genuine concerns and evidence of neglect.

Whatever you do, don’t get sidetracked by obstacles he puts in your way. And don’t allow him to take the lead. Do what you need to do to keep the peace but take control. Quietly and secretly.

[Camel]

Yes, it’s abuse. It doesn’t matter that you’re only just starting to see it for what it is. Your feelings are never wrong but its in your partner’s interests to persuade you that you ARE wrong. You acknowledge that you’ve wanted to leave for years. In a relationship with a non-abuser you would have left by now.

You should accept that you can’t discuss leaving with your abuser. You can’t talk about how you feel, what you want or need for a happy life. You know this already as you’ve tried before.

Accept, too, that no one has the right to punish you for not measuring up to their standards. If you truly have been unloving, uncaring, and so on, why is she so keen to keep you there? Blaming you, making you feel guilty, making you believe you are responsible for her happiness and well-being…these are simply the actions of a controlling abuser and not the actions of a loving partner who sees you as their equal.

You don’t need to try harder. You’re an individual with the absolute right to do what you want, even if that means staying in a hotel over Christmas.

You absolutely do not need her permission to leave.

[Camel]

It might be useful to understand what constitutes controlling behaviour. The legal definition is acts designed to make a person feel inferior and/or dependent by keeping them apart from friends, help and support. It can include taking advantage of their money and things they have, stopping their independence, and controlling what they want to do.

So, you’re not stopping your abuser see his family, therefore you’re not trying to isolate or control them.

Neither are you taking advantage of them financially. You’re actually trying to stop them taking advantage of your cash.

Words are important. You’re not controlling, you’re asserting control. And this control is absolutely justified. It’s your house, your money. These are not strictly boundaries, they’re simply your rules. If getting them to adhere to these rules is a constant battle then you’ll see that they are actually the controlling one, not you.

[Camel]

He’s ‘going to’ change. He’s ‘going to do’ a Respect programme. He’s not actually ‘doing’, is he?
He says he’s having therapy. Good for him, if it’s true.
His letter admits he was abusive, which is handy. File it away as evidence. Don’t respond.

[Camel]

Hi there, sorry this is a late reply. I’m so pleased it went well for you. You were fortunate to get a counsellor who saw your ex for what he is. Well, you did what your ex asked, and paid for it. Hopefully he’s leaving you in peace.

[Camel]

This is most definitely domestic abuse. You don’t trust your instincts and think you’re overreacting, you’re crazy. You must understand that this is all his doing. He’s messed with your head. If he did all these terrible things to you at the start, would you have begged to be with him? He’s worn you down and whittled away your sense of self, so now you find yourself desperate to stay with this awful excuse for a human being. He doesn’t have the right to punish you for not measuring up to his set of rules. And by the way, if you stay with him, his rules with keep changing and it’ll get harder and harder to please him and stop his abuse.

[Camel]

Hi Chasingrainbows

Have you started divorce proceedings yet? Getting the court to make a financial order is the best way to ensure that you get your fair share of assets. This includes the house, the shared business, pensions (state and private), savings (and debts) and child maintenance payments. It will cost you more in the short term but it’s the only way forward when you don’t have visibility of the finances. You should mention things like the minimum wage you were paid from the business. Your finances are complex and I believe it would be a mistake not to involve professionals. I think you need someone to look at the family finances in their entirety, to make sure you get your share but also to ensure you’re not left liable for loans or debts from the business.

[Camel]

You know leaving is the only realistic option for you. Decide which possessions are truly important to you – what would you grab if the house was on fire? Everything else is simply an anchor, keeping you stuck there.

Don’t feel sorry for causing him more hurt when he’s the one dishing out all the hurt.

All you really need is a plane ticket, somewhere to stay and a good lawyer. Ask your daughter to help you.

[Camel]

Hi Selfish,

Is the slate truly wiped clean by a couple of months of tolerable behaviour? He may be treating you a little better but it’s meaningless if it comes out of the blue in the same way his rages do. Your happiness should not depend on his happiness. You’re still watching him like a hawk. He still controls your state of mind.

You must take care of your own emotional well-being (and that of your children.) Is this selfish? Yes, of course it’s selfish to prioritise your own interests. But it’s good-selfish. It’s necessary-selfish. And not totally selfish when you’re thinking of the kids’ interests too.

It’s normal to have feelings of guilt but these are false feelings as you haven’t done anything wrong. He should feel guilty and ashamed, not you. Don’t give these feelings too much space in your head. Likewise, ignore well-meant but inept and damaging advice from family and friends. It’s probably best not to go to them for advice or tell them what’s going on – could they take his side? You need strong supporters only in your corner.

[Camel]

You ended your first post with a question, basically asking if his possible depression means you have to stay. The short answer is no. Being dreadfully unhappy is reason enough for you to leave. The odd good day isn’t reason enough to stay. You deserve to be happy and content.

[Camel]

There’s absolutely nothing selfish about wanting to take things slowly. There’s no rule that says you have to move in together, share your finances, compromise on your dreams or even accommodate his quirky ways. If you’re happy with the way things are, spending time together on your terms, don’t feel pressured to change the set up. If he wants to rush ahead into a committed relationship I’d see this as a problem. Maybe you’ll drift apart if he doesn’t get what he wants but take that as a sign that he wasn’t ‘the one’ at all. You don’t have to compromise on your hard-won independence just because he’s a nice guy. I don’t think you need to lay your cards on the table. Relax and see how things pan out.

[Camel]

I don’t think it matters at all what he ‘intended’ or even if it was ‘abuse’. What is important is how you felt, how you still feel. You know things were ‘off’ and didn’t feel right. You are not dramatising anything.

[Camel]

Has he moved into your place? If he’s not on the lease you can get him removed. Saying he’s saving for a deposit is a delaying tactic, for sure. He can put it on a credit card and pay it off in his own time, not yours. Whatever, give him a deadline (a couple of weeks tops). Don’t negotiate.

Stop taking his money for household bills. Tell him to put it towards his own expenses. Work out how you’re going to manage without his contribution – and how much you can save when you’re not catering for him.

Don’t engage in discussions about anything except him leaving. Don’t feel bad about sleeping with him. We’ve all done similar. You’ve been frank and told him it changes nothing. And it doesn’t. (But don’t do it again if you want to keep your sanity.)

If he’s your plus-one for the wedding, tell him he’s no longer invited. He shouldn’t need this explaining. He’s simply using every tactic available. He’ll stick around for as long as you try to be fair and reasonable. But he isn’t playing fair so you shouldn’t.

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