Chasingrainbows

[Chasingrainbows]

Barra, firstly, thanks for sharing and making a move to question what’s happening. Yes, it’s abuse, walking on eggshells and changing how you behave to suit someone else is abuse. Them not saying sorry is abuse, not taking responsibility for their actions and blaming you is abuse, making no moves to change or get help is abuse. There does not have to be hitting, kicking or punching to be abuse. It was bad for you and you deserve better.

I have come from a similar relationship to you. My suggestions for support are these, get hold of Lundy’s book ‘inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. I highlighted everything that I thought sounded like my experiences and when I flicked through I was shocked to see how much echoed my relationship. It affirmed for me I was right, and I needed to trust my judgement. Read on here other people’s experiences, I read other people’s stories and thought ‘wooah, that’s abuse’ followed by ‘thats what happened to me’. I stumbled on my older post detailing what had happened to me and realised how abusive it sounded, reading it back – like you and looking back at stuff you wrote.

Noone should expect someone else to change to suit them, no matter what they’ve been through, my partner also got made redundant a long time ago and blamed that and the stress on his behaviour. But what I learnt over time is it NEVER got better. Because what needs to change is their habits and attitudes and beliefs that fuels their stress. Whatever you do you cannot change that.

I too felt we’d been through a lot together and were a strong couple, but really I was holding him up and agreeing with him to keep him happy.

You are not responsible for his actions. We are in control of our own selves, this is my mantra now and helps me remember I was not responsible for stuff, just like you’re not responsible for him either. Take care of yourself, stay away if you can manage to. X

[Chasingrainbows]

Hey Heteforhelp, hang on in there, there are so many of us you are not alone! It sounds very stressful but you will get there, keep coming back and posting and reading as it helps you feel less alone. I think a lot of us don’t know anyone else in the same situation, I know I feel like that, people I do tell are sympathetic but don’t REALLY know. Lots of people talk about ringing one of the helpline or getting in contact with local support groups, maybe that’s not an option for you but if it is, think about it. It’s my task for the new year!

I have some experience of loosing a parent and it’s tough for you to be missing your Mum too, on top of everything else.

It is usual to question everything, keep going and you will get through it. That is their style, to make you feel confused and doubt everything. Remember the fact you are feeling anxious is a reminder that you are right to want to be away from him. Look after yourself. Xx

[Chasingrainbows]

Thanks Alonewolf. Sometimes I feel like you have to get it all out and have someone say it’s ok, thank you for your message you’re right I am not the bad guy! I reflect a lot on the fact I am lucky to be in the house, I didn’t have to flee and leave my stuff or pets but then it’s hard because there’s no clean break and I’m living where we both lived which is hard. He’s not really been back to get his stuff, but has then ridiculed the bags of bits I’ve dropped off when I’ve taken the kids round his ‘why have u brought me that?’ he’ll say. I just want all his stuff out so it feels more like my home….. we’re selling it eventually but I’ve got to accept that may be some time! He’s in a flat without space for the youngest and then he says he can’t understand why she doesn’t want to stay over night at his. Even as I write this I see how absurd it all is, the stuff he’s saying! Thank you anyway, for reading and validating.

[Chasingrainbows]

Aww this sounds so hard for you. Stay strong! This is totally a way to lure you back, remember who is the victim- he doesn’t deserve you back. As Lundy Bancroft says most perpetrators simply cannot change because there are so many steps to go through and most are too entitled that they don’t really think they’ve done anything wrong, so why should they change?! You said he doesn’t know what he did wrong, that’s a sign in itself! Stay strong, you are worth more than this! X

[Chasingrainbows]

Thanks chasingthelight, it means a lot to have people like you and everyone here validate what we’re saying. I came back to my post to re-read it, and gosh it sounds like terrible stuff happened reading it back. Yes I’m struggling with him being an authority figure still, but I’m helped knowing it’s not just me, and I am not alone. I’m getting help too. Thank you

[Chasingrainbows]

Thanks everyone for sharing, it helps so much to hear we all have those moments and not just me.

Interesting to me, I broke down (removed by moderator) at work and my boss called me (removed by moderator) and shared that she too left an abusive relationship (removed by moderator) years ago, is now divorced and remarried with an adult son from the abusive father, who is doing well and has gone far with his life already. She said hearing me share some of my problems bought lots of memories back, but that it does improve in time. She was able to share without breaking down, and have empathy and is living proof that as women in these situations we can move on!! I’m hoping his voice will fade in time.

[Chasingrainbows]

Woohoo! That sounds like practical and emotional progress to me. Bet it feels good, well done for pushing with the finances, baby steps xx

[Chasingrainbows]

Alonewolf I think our minds do trick us so we can cope, and maybe get by day to day not constantly thinking about it. I agree with Browneyedmum read old posts and remind yourself if you need to, I found and still find writing stuff down when it pops into my head, it helped me remember how bad it had been and how long it had been going on for.

I get memories pop up from years ago and sort of fixate on them which feels unhealthy to do but is me processing I think, so maybe not remembering everything or even much is ok too and it will pop up when you are not expecting it so you can process it too? I think all these things are ‘normal’ when we are on a traumatic journey and maybe your brain is done thinking about all the details right now?

I do get the numb feeling you talk about too, like it’s not even happened to me sometimes. I’ve said before I didn’t think I was being abused for so long so again it could totally be a coping mechanism.

Take care and know it will be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

[Chasingrainbows]

Hi Hela, and Hazydayz…

It’s all part of the process but it is intense isn’t it?! My Dr suggested writing everything down to ‘get it all out’ which is helping me enormously. I’ve only been away few weeks and was surprised how quickly memories came flooding in. All of a sudden too, when doing something random something sparks them off. I found writing it down did indeed get it out. I have a notebook I carry round the house with me and scribble everything down. I’m not rereading anything as yet and don’t care if I write a memory more than once. It feels like getting them down on paper means I don’t have to keep remembering them.

Hang on in there both. It will pass. Xx

[Chasingrainbows]

Yes!! He totally does. And says he did not emotionally abuse me even tho he did. Says ‘im not like those sick guys who want to control everything and are really horrible’. He so is!!

[Chasingrainbows]

Sande, I agree with you wholeheartedly, it feels like this kind of abuse is not ‘bad’ enough to get help for, but we MUST and do deserve to buy nice stuff for ourselves. Although I’m working, I have a similar situation whereby I’m scrimping and saving for clothes and eventually grew my hair (detail removed by Moderator) to save money on haircuts because I didn’t have the money for it. My lovely Dr is helping me leave, but like you I’ve avoided getting help from woman’s aid because it feels like I’m not entitled to it because he wasn’t really bad. But it IS abuse, and we are entitled to look and feel good about ourselves. I think you get worn down by it and end up with it being the norm.

I will say it’s only now that I’m away from him that I see how much control he really had over me…. Be strong and get help. You deserve it!
Ps- I’m ringing woman’s aid on Monday. X

[Chasingrainbows]

Watersprite, I know you’re right it’s just so hard!! I’m tired after (detail removed by Moderator) of girls on my own, puppy to look after and work. I’ve got a network of friends but most live too far to offer practical help. I’m sure it gets easier…

[Chasingrainbows]

Yes browneyedmum, entitled is right. He often told me I was being unreasonable. He has some crazy ideas and double standards. We still own the business but I’m focusing on getting the house we own sold first so I can leave it as I need to get somewhere new and my own. Then I’ll tackle the business! He said he’s had it valued and it’s worth hardly anything, but I think I’ll get that in writing from someone not just his word as he was going to buy me out.

Thank you for sharing your story, I’m nervous that he will try and turn people/children against me and feel nervous telling someone like social services but I’m strengthened by your story that I must tell people because I’m so worried now about my eldest so I’m going to find some services to help us. I am battling now with whether to tell my parent and ask for support, but they don’t live nearby and like I said think my husband is amazing.

[Chasingrainbows]

Browneyedmum thank you! I got the book and I’ve not read it all, but it prompted me to speak on this thread to ask for help. It’s hard isn’t it? It feels weird as I never thought of myself as abused… but now having read bits of the book and people on here posting and support I am seeing it through other eyes.

[Chasingrainbows]

Bananasboat thank you. Feels validating to have someone say yes there are red flags. In fact I bought the book as saw it recommended a lot on these forums and it prompted me to look deeper and post here for support, so now I feel like I’ve made the first step, hooray! Yes it is helpful to hear words like that, that people can never know how it is for you unless they have experienced it. I think that’s why it feels so lonely so none of my friends so far have the same experiences. Thank you.

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