Coogeebee

[Coogeebee]

Hi, I am also feeling all those things. I find it best to take one day at a time. It isn’t easy but neither is living with an abuser. Just keep going.

[Coogeebee]

Hi I can’t see where I post?

[Coogeebee]

Hi Thank you for your response. I will definitely read that book. Do you mind me asking where you lived when you first left? I literally have no one I can go to, plus I have my dog. I know that sounds daft but she has been neglected in the past and left and I just can’t do that to her again. It’s just all so exhausting.

[Coogeebee]

Thank you. It is hard to remember everything! I also have a very responsible full time job and I try not to let his behaviour affect my work. Sitting in the living room watching (detail removed by moderator). Atmosphere is tense, I just know he is going to start at some point, but I’m stubborn I won’t let him bully me into not being able to sit in my own living room and watch TV. He’s been cleaning all afternoon because apparently I don’t do anything!

[Coogeebee]

Thank you for your reply. I have been to my local domestic violence group in the past and there are Police records on file from the past and at my Council. I’m too scared to get an order to get him out. I’m just stuck in this horrible existence. If I could get him out I could do a swop to a (detail removed by moderator). I am going to make an appointment with my housing officer tomorrow to discuss. Recently I have been recording his conversations with me. Last night he came in and said he was (detail removed by moderator). Because he (detail removed by moderator). He genuinely sees himself as the victim. I’m doing everything to him. Today he went to work and came home telling me he was (detail removed by moderator) and he was getting me out. We have a joint tenancy so he can’t do that. He does pay (detail removed by moderator). I pay everything else. When I suggest (detail removed by moderator) he just starts being verbally abusive to me. I’m starting to think maybe it is my fault. But I have had so many years of his abuse that I am I admit cold to him and I have as little to do with him as I can. But I’ve been hurt so badly by his insults and unpredictability I don’t trust him. Today he said he was going to (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t and she wouldn’t listen to him. I think she is fed up with me going to leave, then not leaving. She knows what he’s like. She owns a (detail removed by moderator) with her husband they have Tenants but she had offered to give them notice and I can live there. But I have said no because I’m afraid it might stop me from getting a council place. Another thing I need to discuss with the housing officer. Im not leaving my little dog here with him. She is a traumatised rescue and totally relies on me. Everything just seems so daunting. I know that if I could just go I would be happy on the end. At least I could go home from work and shut the door and not have to worry about his mood. I feel such an idiot for not going years ago but I had the usual if you leave I will kill myself. I feel so alone. If it wasn’t for my daughter and grandson I wouldn’t really care what happens to me.

[Coogeebee]

Hi my situation is very similar to yours. I even sometimes question if he is abusive or if it is me making him do. I also try and isolate myself from him as much as I can. We can go months when things are quite good and then some little thing triggers an argument. Always something I’ve done or not done of course! He sulks, stonewalls me, gas lights me. Then says I’m doing all this to him. He tries so hard and is so good to me he doesn’t understand why I treat him so badly. I don’t have a child to consider now as I’m (detail removed by moderator), but lots of similar things to you. I have no where to go. Do people just go? Where? How? And daft as it sounds I couldn’t leave my little rescue dog behind. I expect I will just leave things again and they will calm down for a while then something will set him off and it all starts again.

[Coogeebee]

I’ve done this many times in the past. Usually some isolated car park.Anything is better than being at home. At least it is peaceful

[Coogeebee]

Hey I think we all try to justify their behaviour. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years and still can’t find the courage to go. It’s not just you believe me.

[Coogeebee]

It really isn’t easy for anyone whatever the situation. People who have got away have all been in a similar place to you before that moment when they just went. Something clicks. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and been in a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. It isn’t easy but I can see a future now, I couldn’t when I was with him.

[Coogeebee]

Just get away. They never change. You don’t want to look back and think why didn’t I go. I tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) times before I actually did (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He has continued his abuse and manipulation towards myself and my (detail removed by Moderator) who is letting me sleep on her sofa while I am waiting for my Tenancy to end. So far my only regret is not going sooner.
Charmed – you are never too old. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and I intend to make up for (detail removed by Moderator) wasted years!

[Coogeebee]

Hi sorry you are feeling so bad.if it’s any comfort I am feeling the same. I left after (detail removed by Moderator) years (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I have moments when I actually think maybe it was me? Maybe I am exaggerating? But deep down I know what I’ve been through. My ex has now started to go to a domestic abuse for men counsellor. He cannot see that he is the abuser. I feel really hurt and angry that he is yelling his lies to everyone. We all go through so many emotions but have to keep sight of the fact that we have made a move towards healing just by leaving which takes huge courage! I keep getting asked why I didn’t leave years ago. I haven’t a clue and I can’t turn the clocks back I can only go forward and so can you.

[Coogeebee]

Just go! I’ve just left after (detail removed by Moderator) years same as you verbal emotional gas lighting manipulative abuse. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) attempts to leave and now I have done so in spite of the daily abuse and manipulation on the phone from him I have no regrets. It isn’t easy and I am only (detail removed by Moderator) in, but oh so worth the peace of mind! Rest once you have left. Please just go!

[Coogeebee]

Hi I have emailed the person who runs my local group. It will help to know I’m not the only person living seemingly normal lives on the surface but in fact live with the threat of some sort of domestic abuse every day. At the moment I just feel totally alone.

[Coogeebee]

What is the Freedom Programme? Is it nationwide?

[Coogeebee]

I just don’t seem to have the courage to go and find mine. I know it’s just out of reach but I can’t make that final step. I want to, I know this isn’t healthy, I know I deserve better than this, I know deep down it isn’t my fault. I don’t like the fact that I am letting myself be verbally and mentally abused, and letting him do it to me. He doesn’t even acknowledge that he is. All I get is I’m mental and need help. now he’s come back asking me to say sorry for hitting his shoulder and we can leave it. I know I should have said yes just to get peace back because this makes me feel sick. But no, I’ve said no, I’ve had enough now, I said in the summer if it happens again I’m going. Trouble is I’ve said it so often no one believes it. I’ve worked so hard these last few months towards feeling happier, I’ve got support from mind, but I know deep down what the real problem is and I know the answer I just can’t get on and do it. I don’t think I can cope with the upheaval and work full time, and Christmas is coming so I’m going to be spoiling everyone’s Christmas. I’m going round and round in circles.

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