Courage157

[Courage157]

Thank you Lisa 😔😘🙏

[Courage157]

They resent us leaving them which is why they try their best to manipulate us however they can. I was always sucked into mine being nice to me and thought he was being genuine but then he round do some tubing to upset me…. I left mine (detail removed by Moderator)yrs ago…

[Courage157]

It takes years to recover… its been a while for me yet I still get pulled back at the slightest. When you have to deal with them for handovers, you never really are given a chance to forget what they did. It just gets easier over time in how you deal with and cope with it all. X

[Courage157]

Anything that causes upset means your not being over sensitive… when you haven’t gone through it, they don’t understand…

[Courage157]

I just tried to get advice from just answer and the solicitor was horrible.. in short she didn’t listen to a word I said and basically said if it relates to child contact, it’s not seen as coercive control! I’m choosing to ignore this because it is affecting me a lot and these continuous little attacks he does, under the radar, being manipulating and twisting things on me is affecting me and also my families now because they are seeing me upset and feeling so powerless (Detail removed by moderator) All I want to know is how do I let the courts know what he is doing, how ive followed it and how he is making me look like I’m in the wrong by harassing me into accepting what he believes is correct. I feel so down, I feel like no one can help, I feel like lawyers are just as bad and are only out to make money and destroy innocent lives in the process… I got the whole FATHERS RIGHTS thrown in my face on that just answer topic, and I had to say it’s not all about their rights, it’s also about mothers rights, those mothers who have done nothing wrong and who are continuously living a life of nerves and fear and no one seems to care…

[Courage157]

This is not a healthy relationship..He is being really nasty and it seems like what you are going through is torture..

The only person that is going to help you IS YOU. Don’t let him manipulate you like this. Stand strong, protect your children, don’t given anyone any reason to attack you.

He’s an abuser, end of. A weak coward who chooses to pick on your vulnerability
X

[Courage157]

You guys are so very right… Iwantmeback – that’s exactly what I feel like I’ve been doing these past years. I was tip toeing round him back then, still am in a way, I panic at the slightest, like I feel obliged to still do things for him. School photo email comes out from the school, I order him one (he sees the schools emails as he is on the mailing list – he wanted it). School trips happen, he questions me if our child is going. It’s like I’m not with him, but he still interferes with day to day life too. (detail removed by moderator)

I find it hard to explain everything like lawyers do, I walk into court alone, I’m used to it now but he goes in (detail removed by moderator) They don’t listen to us in the beginning, because we don’t leave these men for nothing, we left for a reason, and because we can’t lie, vocalise things without waffling for days, (detail removed by moderator). It’s been a struggle, today has been a good day though…for a few hours I managed not to think of this whole thing… I hate how he has taken over my life. I know he hates the fact I’m alive, I’m breathing and he won’t stop until I’m out the picture and he has our child to raise like him.

There are no replies with him now…his solicitors are involved. I just wish in family law cases they actually stopped these men from using their power to attack us. There should be a law against things like this happening in family law cases. (detail removed by moderator)

Right now, I’m listening to you all. The bending over backwards, communicating with him, making life easy for him, basically being a pa to him for the sake of our child has stopped. He has taken advantage of my kind nature. Before I made sure (and please don’t judge me-it was the only way, a silly way, that I could move on to make my soul rest) that I communicated like he was a friend. I brushed aside what he did to me and used to make a conversation regarding our child to him. But it’s all for show for him, never be fooled by men like him..
thank you all for emailing me back. I need this support xx

[Courage157]

I can’t thank you enough ladies…It gets to the point where you sit there and think of ways anyone can help you and wish that someone would just say “that’s enough now leave her alone!” I have tried my best, as Fizzeylem said, it’s like you feel obliged to send your child for fear of the courts etc. I’ve been through those stages where my child couldn’t speak yet and was crying, running to me clinging on not to go to his dads and I had to act like nothing was wrong and hand my child over crying, why? Because otherwise they would say I’m ailienating our child etc etc. Oh – byw he already tried that line on me also and they found no evidence I was doing and alienating, in fact, ex was told if our child didn’t wNt to see him and it would evidently be because of him and his actions and not me..

(detail removed by moderator) Now a final order is in place, he couldn’t even wAit a year to create more trouble.

All I want now is for the courts to see this behaviour, to stop him now. I don’t want to stop contact, but I can’t give anymore as it will affect our child, given he is now in school. I wish they would look at his mental health (forgot to say he tried to say I was mad also – which I’m not judge ruled it out).

(detail removed by moderator). As above, my case was never looked into properly, was as you say “he said she said) I have extensive evidence from the past, I kept everything, from financial to a diary of what happened, even a recording of the day he locked us in the house. (detail removed by moderator)…. it’s not fair and no one should suffer on a day to day basis with a half hearted smile or in fear. These men, powerful or not should not be given airtime. Because mine “admitted he kicked us in and admitted he took csnnabis-but said he didn’t mean it and that he’s given up drugs” they believed him. It should not be allowed because most of us are going through hell and what for? Because of a few women/men who deliberately break the law – and then the same template they are on, we are looked at the same way too… (detail removed by moderator), are crying out for help and sometimes can’t vocalise the ways which they hurt us and just want you to see it, we want you to save us… x

[Courage157]

Use your GP letter in court too. The judge needs to know what he is still doing to you making you feel. It’s happening to me still (detail removed by moderator)yrs on… it never stops

[Courage157]

I wish I could send you the biggest hug. I hope that one day we will all be truely happy. It is like are freedom has been taken away. Bring back mothers rights! X

[Courage157]

Hello Serenity. Thank you 🙁 I read your message and I cried. I am not in a good place at the moment. I am so sad, I think to myself that I have never hurt anyone in my life, everyone has always hurt me. I feel like I anti trusting and an idiot. Right now I can’t think about the next hearing as I get anxiety, but because I don’t have the proper support from my solicitors I think everything feels a lot worse.

I feel like I can’t see happiness, I feel like I I have missed looking after my son how every parent should do focusing on them 100% instead I have good and bad days and I act happy around my son but inside I am in so much pain. My son is very young, (removed by moderator). He is vulnerable hence why I wanted to wait until he can come home and tell me what they do to him.

It made me happy knowing that when they are older they will see and make a decision themselves. I came from a broken home. Parents divorced when (removed by moderator) and I know first hand how hard it is. I didn’t want that for my son but you are right, everyone noticed me and my health was going. I started to get really scared being there, I wasn’t comfortable being around him. I would go see my mum but rush back before he got home and pretend I didn’t go out anywhere. I was going mad I think being there. I am a strong person but even now I just have really low days where I feel no one can get me out of this dark place 🙁

Thank you for your kind words. Just by reading that it woke me up. I need to keep positive but I am finding it hard 🙁
X

[Courage157]

Ayanna, sending you big hugs and love. You have been there for me on this forum so now I want to be there for you.

Please ignore this person. People like this are very very narrow minded and lack kindness. In my world everybody has a heart, everybody is human, to hurt another or their feelings would hurt me. These people are selfish heartless people who have an underlying anger inside of them. Instead of feeling sad you should feel pity for people like that because it takes a lot to be kind in this world, it costs nothing but can make the person at the other end feel happy. These people are jealous. You wanting to end your life will only give idiotic people like that great satisfaction. We all have really low days but we always feel better afterwards. Everyone on here has helped me through my journey and I don’t feel alone. Nor should you x

[Courage157]

I really feel for you. I was in the same situation as you. I felt like a stranger in my home, I kept quiet so as not to provoke an argument and I felt obliged to do what he wanted. I dreaded him waking up at the weekends because I just couldn’t relax around him. It got to the point where he would force me to go for a walk with our baby and one time I just felt so sorry for myself seeing how spot everyone was outside, seeing the love. I had tears streaming down my eyes but kept it hidden under my hood (it was winter). He had also made s comment to me “you look like the worlds ended” I just remember thinking to myself how can he have no heart? How can he not see how much he was hurting me. We saw one of his friends on this walk and I tried to hold back the tears and kept my head down like a shaking dog, but he noticed and gave me the biggest hug ever, this simple act of care and kindness just made me feel so safe. My own husband didn’t care yet a stranger to me but his friend cared enough to not care about his loyalty to my husband being his friend. I told my ex once that a nanny was better treated than I was. He cut me off from everything and told his family everything we did in particular his mother who controlled everything. They made him get an industrial safe to hide everything from money to laptops. He stopped sleeping with me too saying things like “I can’t love my wife if you don’t love my mother” and “I’m not sleeping with you because I don’t want another child” just so you know, I never tricked him to have a baby. I got married and pregnant on my honey moon and only lived with him full time after I got married. His mother had warned him not to sleep with me. I left my home after he locked myself and my baby boy in the house and refused to let me leave for (detail removed by moderator) hours, all while arguing in front of my son.

I am out but now I am fighting to save my son from these people. I have gone through so many emotions, like wishing I didn’t leave because I was the only protector of my baby (now I am facing handing him over for (detail removed by moderator) hours once s week), the courts have been unfair to me as my voice was not heard. I will fight because I do feel victimised.

I know it’s easier said than done, and no matter what anybody says, you are the one that has to wake up one day and say that’s it. All I can say it that we only have one life, do you want to live it being controlled or do you want to have a voice and be free? Don’t live your life regretting anything. These men do not care about us. ❤️🙏 X

[Courage157]

How do you guys have the strength to help us? I want to read other people’s posts but can’t do it just yet. I feel like every waking moment I have pressure and think about everything. I do honestly believe that this country has given fathers their rights but taken away the women’s rights to protect their babies as they see fit. It’s like the courts see these men as equal when in fact if you broke that rust by abusing, you should automatically lose your PR rights! Because mine manipulated and acted like dad if the year (detail removed by moderator). It was as if she got on with ex and wrote her own assumptions in the reports like “I can see there is a bond etc” of course there is a bond it’s his father! My worry is not my son having a father it’s my son being emotionally bullied and harmed behind closed doors and now I’m not around to protect him. I feel like we have had kids only to be made to suffer by the courts and justice system.

I want to appeal, if that annoys the judge then so be it. They haven’t been fair to me at all.

❤️

[Courage157]

Serenity, (thank you for replying I know you helped me before too). I was bullied at court (again). I thought solicitors are supposed to listen to what I want and then be your protector. Instead I felt they were defending him and acting like I had to get used to ex taking my son away. She even took my mother to one side and told her “to get me used to the used to the idea” my mother told her that I haven’t own mind.

I just felt like I suffered all those years of continuous pressure, living with the enemy, not enjoying my son from the day he was born. All for nothing 🙁 all for them to just brush it all aside like they just wanted to take the easy route. xXx

[Courage157]

That’s the thing. I didn’t have a voice at court. Cafcass only spent 2 mins with me before the hearing. I told her about how hostile him and his family are and how my son will be affected by this negative bullying behaviour when I am not there. I have seen how they act about other people in front of the other children in the family. I tried to explain what happened to me with regards to being bullied and controlled and him arguing in front of our baby, with my baby hysterically crying, they seem to have taken no notice? I have a doctors letter saying how his behaviour is emotional abuse and the anxiety he has caused me over the yrs.

This week I called child services, nspcc who were not helpful, I only spoke with the person who initially answers the phone, I was never put forward to a person who would understand. They both said that they couldn’t do anything until my son is affected by him. Cafcass said the case was closed with them but at my next hearing the judge could ask for it to be opened again.

I don’t have any paperwork or even the draft court order. (detail removed by Moderator)

I got the impression that the judge just wanted my case closed quickly. She said it and said that she doesn’t think it will benefit the situation and will only cause more anxiety and cost money. I think it is so unfair that I haven’t had my story told. I have all the evidence, diary documenting days times and what happened thought to recordings of arguments where he refused me to go see my family over Xmas and the arguments. They just see him like this wonderful dad who just want access to my son.

I wrote to my local MP and sent the email this morning as you said Ayanna.

Womens aid said that wasn’t right that I hadn’t had my story heard. They didn’t really know what to say. 🙁

Rights of women this time round I didn’t feel we’re on my side. They just said if my solicitor said not to appeal than go with that. They seem to think that it’s not that serious and I think it is because to get an idea of the full effect of my story I would need pages and pages and pages to tell you. 🙁

Emotional, psychological and financial abuse is harder to prove than I thought 🙁
X

[Courage157]

Thank you Ayanna. I know you have been helping me before. I thought no one would remember me 🙁

You are right. (Detail removed by Moderator) I called cafcass and they said that the case had been closed and unless the judge re opens they are Not involved. The court cafcass lady I thought was nice but maybe not now. She said from what I told her (mine is all about control and bullying) she said now I am removed from the house that this behaviour will not be reciprocated to my son. She also said that unless I have anything new to add that she couldn’t really do anything?! I explained at how I have seen them Bad mouth and control the other two children in the family and how worried I will be for my son as I do not want him mentally abused too. They took no notice. (Detail removed by Moderator)

How long do I have to appeal? Is there a time limit? It will be (Detail removed by Moderator) next week.

Sometimes I wish I had physical bruises to prove solid proof because although there is a law for emotional abuse now, I don’t think they actually care. I even see women at the contact centre who’s children run out screaming not wanting to be with their violent fathers, yet the mother is seen to be the one obstructing contact?! There is no justice. It is all about fathers rights and our rights as mothers and our human rights have been taken away!

X

[Courage157]

You need to get out. This is similar to my situation. Emotionally and financially controlled by my husband. If I don’t do what he wants which is mainly to do everything with his controlling narcissistic mother and family then I get the silent treatment or abusive arguments and all in front of my (detail removed by moderator) yr old son. I left the house (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago now as he locked the door and told me I couldn’t go see my mother on Mother’s Day. He tried to stop me from seeing my family over Xmas too. I have not officially left the home as all of our things are still there and for the past week I have ignored him. I called 101 the police after that incident and ever since have not been back home. I don’t think they have questioned him yet but I have recorded all arguments and have logs of what has happened to me. He was destroying my confidence mentally I was lost. He has also cut my money dramatically and it is not like he cannot afford it he is a top director. Men like this thrive on control and the moment we don’t conform then problems start. all I am worried about is my baby boy and his future.

[Courage157]

Your not alone. We don’t want to admit that we are being abused because it is out of our control. We didn’t ask to be in this situation and don’t really know how to deal with it all I think.. You try to keep up what you want to believe is a normal family situation but in reality you block out everything he does. Ask yourself one question. Would you ever treat him how he is treating you? Then you will realise what is normal behaviour and what really is controlling. It is normal to be in denial. I have realised that the longer you leave and brush it all aside the worse it gets and the more ‘brainwashed’ you end up. xx

[Courage157]

Hi everyone…I am getting worried now as it has been (removed by moderator) since I left and since my husband saw our baby but I just don’t want contact with him. It’s also been a week since I text him back after his text. What do I do? I haven’t secured a solicitor yet and now just want to hide away. It’s like I am frozen is and I don’t want contact with my husband yet all of our things are still in his house. I don’t know when I can go back to get all of our things (I need to hire s can and storage), but I don’t know if he is home and I just feel just really overwhelmed again. After feeling ok and getting back to myself by ignoring him. I got myself back to some kind of normality at my mothers by blocking everything out but now when I start thinking about this all I am lost and feel anxiety as I do t know where to start. This weekend I am 100% sure he stayed at his narsassistic families like he always does and He hasn’t contacted me for now. (removed by moderator) feel like I have run out of time because I know his family will have filled his head and get him to action something now. I’m just thinking so many things again over and over. I know he will use me not texting him for a week against me. I don’t want to be forced to contact him after all the things he has done to me. I don’t see how this is normal

[Courage157]

Hello Ayanna, thank you for all your advice. My mother would 100% stand up in court to give evidence against him. There are many many incidents where he has been horrible to them as well. I didn’t think they would accept my mother as a witness and was hoping that the hospital would have recorded his arguments.

I am not working. I gave up my job 1. After my maternity ended, 2.becsuse he persuaded me that it’s better if I looked after him as my money would equal the same as a nanny so what’s the point. 3. Because of how low upset I felt and I just could not contemplate going back, even though I had the most wonderful boss that tried to get me back…

What is a support worker? WA just said if I ever needed support to give them a call. I did get a call from victim support through the police but the lady on the phone, as lovely as she was just stopped me in my tracks when I explained my situation on the phone, everytime I tried to explain what happened, instead of listening quietly to me she just kept saying ‘yes yes, mmmm’ while I was mid flow and it just put me off. I think they deal with so many calls it just got to her.

I agree. I owe my family some money so will pay them back and give the rest.

WA said I was well within my rights to stay quiet but they never said for how long. The advice from solicitors was not that clear in that they told me to see how comfortable I felt in arranging contact and that he could go and seek action for access. AgIn he text now saying he misses us and that this cannot go on and that he would have to seek legal advice to see my son if I wasn’t coming back home. I am not falling for his rubbish anymore.

[Courage157]

Hey everyone. I want to give you all a hug and countless thank you’s xx I spoke to 2 really good solicitors yesterday. The best one is the one the wonderful lady at rights of women recommended. She was more sympathetic on my situation and understood domestic abuse. The other one was more into ‘money’ she said it could cost me up to £50k to divorce!! I was also told that the little money I made from selling my house would be gone on legal fees and that they would ask him to pay for the fees but if not then a loan. I feel like giving my money to my family who need it now because I don’t see why I should spend the little money I have on my husband? That was my security, my sons security, future for example.

I had no texts for 2 days from him Then suddenly get late night texts asking if there was any news on our son (like he asked about him? He didn’t ask), then I finally plucked up courage to text him back saying our son is ok, (detail removed by moderator)I just thought hang on? He doesnt care about my feelings yet I am being made to feel the bad person by not considering his? But I don’t stay away for fun or to spite him? I stay awAy because I freeze when I am around him and the pressure, threats are too much for me. It just makes me think the police have not taken his statement yet…

It will be (detail removed by moderator) since I left. I wanted to say to him in my text that he knows where we are if he wanted to see his son but I couldn’t bring myself to put myself in a situation with him anymore. He would not have face to see my family anyway. I just feel like he is making such z big deal to make himself look good..

He has never looked after our baby. Since the birth and how he was aggressive to my mother in hospital after I had an emergency c section and just being generally unpleasant in hospital for the days I was there, he also told me after my baby was born that he would get a divorce, give me 1/6 of the house and that he don’t see his son that he can come find him when he is 18 (detail removed by moderator).. That was my first birth experience in hospital. So since then I have not trusted him alone with my baby. I hope the courts have sympathy..

Has anyone had any experience when the left their partners if they allowed access to their children? Or did you wait until the courts decide? 😳

I am trying to write my notes down. I was also told I should go and rent a house instead of staying at my mums because they think the courts would want to see my expenditure? I again thought this odd because why should I leave the safe place of my mothers to rent somewhere until the divorce is finalised? It is like they just want to waste money?

I know I keep saying it but it is nice having the support on here. It’s helping.

[Courage157]

Thank you. I spoke to womens aid last night. A really kind lady called me back within 30mins of leaving a message. She gave me some really good advice. She told me that I was well within my rights (after telling her everything), to just have no contact with my husband until I recover and get a lawyer quickly. She was really sympathetic and everything I explained, she knew exactly what was going on and why I feel this way. She gave me a good list of people to call.

I know that I will hopefully be given full custody but after speaking to rights of women who are legal solicitors for example and again she was ever so kind and very informative. I just feel that judges do not care or take into account the abuse that’s been happening to me when it comes to visits for my baby. Apparently it has to be serious harm that he would have done to the baby for them to turn around and do for example supervised visits. I mean I think they do this in the beginning but I wanted some reassurance that until my baby is of an age where he can talk and understand, then for the time being supervised access is what I felt comfortable with, given how I don’t trust this man or his narcissistic family alone with my baby? I just feel that the law protects us but then somehow brushes it aside because the baby needs both parents equally in their lives. But, what about if the one parent caused so much pain like my husband and hasn’t displayed any sense of responsibility? Is temprental and for someone who shows no kindness or compassion my heart sinks with the feeling that my protection for my baby will be compromised because ‘the law says so’ each situation should I think be judged individually because if I as his mother, his primary carer can see what will happen, why can’t they? And why would they take my baby and place him in a situation like I have been In because they think he is the father and won’t do him damage? Prevention is better than a cure.

Does anyone have any experience in how they went about allowing the dads to see their babies in a similar situation? Whether they had supervised access to start with until the divorce was finalised?

Since my husbands threatening text last **** he hasn’t contacted me and gone quiet because he gave me the ultimatum of listening to him and going back or divorce…where He said he isn’t entering into dialogue because he doesn’t know what to say or how to remedy this situation because he knows he could never stand up to or apart from his family. He was not saying please let’s do counselling like he wants to do it, he’s saying ‘you chose counselling or divorce I don’t care’. I feel like It’s all about saving his ego and making himself feel he tried…

I just feel frustrated and sad but do feel a lot and I mean a lot stronger thanks to all your advice/the lady from WA and rights of women. I am grateful, it’s nice to finally talk about everything xx

[Courage157]

Thank you everyone. I just called and left a message for WA to call me back. After ignoring my husbands calls and texts, today’s has been worse. He kept texting threatening to call the police and or lawyer if he didn’t hear from me. Eventually I replied with:

[ copy of message to husband removed by moderator]

 

He just text:

[copy of message from husband removed by moderator]

I think his text is a threat isn’t it? I feel like he never acknowledges my concerns or shows any compassion…

[Author]

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