Escaped not free

[Escaped not free]

I felt just like this too but it does pass. I actually now love getting time away with my kids alone now. Your feeling low so you are noticing what looks like happy families. When you feel better you will notice the tension that goes on in a lot of families around you. I did this holiday away with my kids and relished the freedom of just pleasing ourselves and nobody else.
You sound emotionally tired so it’s ok to have extra time in bed but then force yourself to get some fresh air and booking treats likes reflexology is a great idea. I too live in a tiny community and feel the pressure and isolation of having to live around only conventional families and being the topic of conversation following failed relationship. It’s horrible and I know the feeling of not wanting to bother pulled up friends who I convince myself must find me a trial. I think it’s great advice to join groups if you can. It’s just not always that easy. Xxx

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Kip thus is amazing. I’m in total awe of what you have achieved and your unbelievable strength.
Seriously, to make changes like that is incredibly impressive.
you should be incredibly proud of yourself. Xxxx

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Fizzylem and serenity I just wanted to say sorry for not thanking you sooner for your advice and support on this topic.
My mother has still “cut me off” to “protect” herself from me. Which is interesting as the only time I ever contacted her was in response to her contact and to clarify boundaries and correct inaccuracies in the things she was saying about me.
My children now have fairly regular contact with her, when she chooses through my ex. She could see them weekly like this but chooses to make a huge fuss of them every month or two instead and tell them how much she misses them, acts like the grandparent from heaven for a few hours, whilst planting all the stuff they are missing with their cousins, goes on about how wonderful their cousins are which she must do in a manipulative way as my daughter finds it hurtful, she’s clearly showing preference, then she’s done. My younger kids then feel sorry for her, and feel akward about why I have cut her off. She’s so manipulative as none of this was my decision I simply asked her to stop certain behaviours I found offensive.
My kids are spending time with her again for a few days as I insisted my ex take a share of the holidays the days I’m at work so he very nastily has arranged not to spend time with his children but send them to my mothers and told me if I want them back I have to go and pick them up there. I haven’t seen her in a long long time and have no desire to.
I’m working nightshifts right now which leaves me exhausted and feeling vulnerable, money worries and feel incredibly alone.
I’ve re read the things you posted back to help me through this time. Thank you. I haven’t been here in a long time as I’ve had masses going on with kids and work and no room to consider my thoughts or feelings on anything. Sorry for not saying thank you sooner. X

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Oh honey.
My heart goes out to you. You are on autopilot and I think a bit dissociated from what’s happening here. Work has become your normal place where u escape which I relate to totally.

I’m going to give you one piece of advice and please please please take it. Get out. Don’t converse with him about it. If he goes out plan if for then so no conversation is needed. It’s not worth you holding on to this place. You are too emerged in toxicity to see how bad it is. You need a safe place of your own. If that’s a one room bedsit…which I have done before then it’s worth it to leave in the morning and come home to peace and safety. Until you are out and having no contact with these people you are not going to know who you are or how to be you. Please get out. If it seems to much to do then write down the steps in tiny tiny stages. Get on a website. Go for a viewing. Box up some of your stuff. All the other stuff, your mothers, can wait. Small things of sentimental value take with u when u go and step away from the rest.
Get out. You have a chance to help yourself here. Get out of there please. You only have you to think of, no children, you need to be the parent to you. Imagine what a caring mum or big sister would want for a girl in this position and be that person for yourself. Put your focus on taking the tiny steps one after another to get out. Get in touch with your local women’s aid or adult social services or citizens advice if the practical side is too overwhelming. Get yourself out. Please. Sending you love and hugs and hopefully some strength to leave. Xxx

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Hello.
I also went to my GP this week. I haven’t got cramps as such but get horrendously painful neck and shoulders and at times pain in my jaw and back of tongue…weird I know. My ribs as well are so painful I feel I can’t breath properly at times. GP I felt humoured me, said she would give it some thought and get back to me. She hasn’t though. Meanwhile I’m left with this pain. I agree for me the gym weirdly helps. The worst time is evenings when I sit down or in bed. My ribs near my spine actually become increadibly painful to touch. I don’t know what to do with this but it’s really affecting me so I sympathise totally. Xxx

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Hello jupiter.

Sorry for being away so long and taking so long to say thank you. Had an awful lot going on to deal with. Kids exams and one of my boys had (detail removed by Moderator) and not long out of hospital. I have gone no contact with my mother, or actually I suppose more accurately she did this with me. Because I pointed out, not in a bad way but very factual I guess about how my childhood and adolescence was affected by her unhappiness and resultant inability to allow me to be and an unfair level of responsibility placed on my young shoulders to bring up my brother and sister. I pointed out that I know she was doing the best she could at the time and asked her to respect that I am also doing the best I can. I know for a fact I’m not doing to my children what was done to me but I’m human and therefore make mistakes. As a result I have lost all my family as she has told them I’ve cut myself off from everyone and I’m not right in the head, I blame everyone in my family for my “issues”, all untrue and she has developed a lot of self diagnosed health problems that I apparently have caused by my “behaviour”. My ex continues to behave badly and ignore his responsibilities for his children and tells me all the time how he is keeping my mother up to date on “everything I’m doing”.
Is really like to know Jupiter or anyone if they have experienced similar and what that experience was. My friends all have supportive and while at times difficult mothers they are all essentially kind women. I’m struggling trying to think work out how, if one of my children came to me and said things you did to me in my childhood have left me with problems, I would move heaven and earth to put it right. I would not call it diatribe and refuse to speak of it and actually loose my dughter altogether rather than put things right. Has this been anyone else’s experience with their mothers?
Thank you. X

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Thank you older lady. I get accused of the EXACT same thing. Once because I went to the cinema alone after work because I wasn’t sleeping. He found out and went mad. He doesn’t see me as having any entitlement to life that doesn’t entirely revolve around serving needs of others. And yes, my counsellor says I’m too critical of my patenting, like I go above and beyond to make up for him and to counteract what he says about me, and my mother. My friends constantly tell me they don’t know how I do it all. I think I’m starting to crash though. I have a week coming up with no vhildren or work which I have NEVER had and I don’t know how I feel about it. Starting to think I maybe do need a bit of a break though. Just be responsible for me for a week. X

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That sounds really helpful. I’m so glad you have something that’s helping you. X

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Yes, it’s horrible it’s like I can’t relax a single muscle and need to move but paralysed with dear at the same time. Like if I go and shower or go downstairs then the bad stuff will start. It’s like it me I’m frightened of. That I’m going to do something that puts us in danger or upsets the kids. You are right it’s because I’ve had to sit and be told over and over that I am the cause of everyone’s unhappiness. Objectively I know I’m not doing that but on an instinctive level I feel like I’m responsible and incapable. That’s the best I can describe it. My go wasn’t very helpful when I asked for a psychology referral. Told me to give it time and keep going to counselling. The counselling has been a life saver but it allows me space to talk about what’s upsetting me. And I think through that I’ve managed to see do much clearer but this has just thrown me again and I don’t feel equipped to help myself. I will maybe go back. I find it embarrassing and shameful and then they start asking about the kids and I feel like they are judging me as a mother yet the kids are my total focus. X

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Unfortunately my mum isn’t so much wise as very controlling. As soon as I asked her to allow me to make decisions about my life myself she turned on me dramatically. Always walked on eggshells around her. Not an easy childhood and at times unbearable adolescence. I then asked her to stop talking about my mental state to my children and not undermine me with them. It got worse. She’s now after condemning him, in cahoots with my ex. (Detail removed by moderator). They weren’t nasty, they were respectful. But that’s how he and my mother interpret any request to be treated respectfully. I have no right to that because I’m sauce a bad person and such a mess. X

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Thank you cuppa. I’m trying really hard. Got myself up and moving, (detail removed by moderator). Getting him sorted for that. I don’t like to bother friends at weekends, they are always busy with activities with their husbands and children. I don’t actually feel able to talk to a friend just now. Feel like I’m in surviving mode. I’m just trying to be normal around kids and it’s exhausting. They go to their dads (detail removed by moderator). I always worry about that also. I’m just a big ball of anxious fear and worry. I don’t have my mum anymore to lean on. When I’d ask for help is get told what to do which actually didn’t help me, but having my mum around made me feel a little safer like nothing immediately bad would happen. She would take over me completely though, take over with my kids which I hated. Now I’m telling myself I’m not capable, not safe with them. It’s horrible. Really frightening. X

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Thank you cuppa. That was very kind of you. X

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Hey Sadie.
I hope you are doing ok. I’m suffering the aftermath of s triggering mediation session so I know the horrible feeling it leaves you with. Hope you are able to get support and look after you. Xxx

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Agreed. They are awful. It’s distressing to hear their reasoning time with their children as having “cost implications”. I’d LOVE to believe that Karma will bring back all his horrible deeds and beat him with them. X

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Well done! No good will come of it. Keep going! Well done for looking after you. x

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Alice that is really kind of you. Thank you. I’m getting through the day. Just. you are right about weekends, if I don’t have a schedule of things going on. Or even if I do sometimes. Migraine in the background all day. I’ll try the breathing thing. Im just so sore all over just now. I had (detail removed by moderator) and when things get really bad I can feel unwell again. Not something I can afford to do working full time with children. I’m thankful for the nice weather and my little girl outside playing and laughing with her friend. You are right though, I need to get my head in a better place. Kips right it’s because I’ve been in contact. I’ve had to sit in a room and let myself be bathed in his toxicity. Then come out with just myself to care for me. I’ll get there I’m sure. Because if I don’t I can’t contemplate an alternative. It’s too dark. X

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Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound bossy, I’ve just been there and been wearing the t shirt ever since. He pulled every emotional blackmail tool known to man on me and I was so scared and conditioned to think I’d be left with “nothing and homeless” if I didn’t do as he said I didn’t fight. Or I didn’t let my solicitor fight. x

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The only thing I would say about child maintenance service is its a despicably low amount these men get away with paying through that. And if they are clever the agency go to no lengths whatsoever to find out if they are being honest. It takes no account of their wealth or resources, only the tax they pay. My ex owns property (detail removed by moderator), yet his tax bill from his payed employment he uses as a cover up shows he earns less than half of that. If I had my time again I’d definitely have gone down the legal route where their ability to pay and provide is assessed not just on how much tax they choose to pay. X

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Thank you Kip,
I just feel alone just now. I don’t want to bother friends with another drama. I just want to be me again. I just don’t have energy for normal interaction with people just now. I just need to get me back. I want to be more than what is being done to me and I can’t seem to break out of it. I’ve pm about what happened after mediation. Thank you xxx

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Hello,
Please please please do not do what I did. I just wanted it to be over so badly that he manipulated me terribly. Whilst I “got the house” I was left with the mortgage to pay myself, a promise of a minimum amount of maintenance and other assistance for children that, if I complied and took over the mortgage, didn’t get a valuation on his pension then he would pay. He didn’t need to put it writing as he was not the sort of man to EVER not see or support his children. It was insulting apparently to be asked to put it in writing. (Detail removed by moderator).   I honestly had no idea just how bad he would be. I knew the way he was treating me wasn’t right, I knew I had to get away and all I was concerned with was being able to manage. I was really really stupid. Please, I’m begging you don’t do the same. At the end of the day, at the stage u are at his demands are meaningless. If you are resident parent then push for nothing less than the 70%, DO NOT ignore his pension, it’s important, get a valuation, get an amount of maintenance in writing with agreed penalties for non payment….I can all but gaurentee he won’t pay it. Do not leave any contact with your children to chance or any mutual arrangement, again I gaurentee he will use this to control you. Get days, times and holidays all put in writing. Consider contributions you will need at school uniform time, for their birthday parties, school trips, activities. Non of which he will pay for unless made to. At this stage for you I hate to say it but mediation is a process you go through, you make offers in line with legal norms and if they are rejected them so be it…it goes to court. You are entitled to all of these things, while u want to just get away u need to fight right now for your child’s rights. My ex is a pillar of the community, church goer, appears like such a good guy but I don’t think there is a good fibre in his being. Don’t get caught up in their sense of entitlement. I did and I’m paying the price now and it’s awful. We are in mediation and he is denying he ever agreed to see his children, pay maintenance, contribute to activities. DO NOT PLEASE do what I did and accept things that are not right because you want it over. You are then handing him a lifetime of control over you to do as he pleases with. He will never tire of using that control. Treat any “offers” as white noise. The mediators want to find an end, they don’t care who comes off better or if it’s fair. They are just there to facilitate a negotiation. Don’t be afraid to say with conviction, “that’s an unreasonable request that shows obstruction to this process”. Prepare yourself for court but then it’s over. I handed myself a life sentence when I was where you are now. I feel sick to think of someone else having that done to them. Take care of you. Xxx

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Couldn’t agree with you more. It’s dealing with all the other agencies that I still find traumatic to contemplate. I can totally relate to this. Well done you for working through it. Xxx

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Lonc, thank you for your kind words. You are so right, they all have attended the same training camp. You are right, at the time, listening to the horrible things being said about you are so upsetting. How can you justify yourself when you are surrounded by these personalities? And yes, trying not to be upset so u don’t come across as out of control. He actually said my life was a mess and everyone around me hated me. I have a good, full time job, my kids are doing well in school, they are happy and laughing at home and eldest is predicted to go well in exams. They are wonderful young people, they are not victims of an out of control mess of a mum. I’m the one who takes them to music practice, gets their revision books, stands cheering them on at (detail removed by moderator), gets up early at weekends to make pancakes for breakfast, when they freak out about “not getting physics” I get a tutor to help them, teach my young sons how to shave when their father hasn’t noticed, saves diligently using overtime to take them away to a cottage in the hills for a week in the summer, knowing that means he won’t pay child support that month as if I “can go on holiday I have too much”. Their father does none of these things. Yet they sit their spouting forth about us. My son is right, he’s a narcissist. When asked what reservation he had about seeing his little boy and girl once during the week, he referred to this as “having cost implications”. He meant giving them tea, he’s so mean that it’s not worth the couple of pound to make them some pasta for tea in order to hear about how their week is going. He disgusts me. This man owns various properties he rents out and conceals that income, has another regular income and no mortgage. Yet the cost implications of seeing his children for an evening are enough for him to say it’s not worth it. Just still processing the stuff he comes out with. He doesn’t deserve these lovely young people who I hope grow up to be NOTHING like him. Xxx

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Thank you pp. I didn’t feel brave. I felt sick. I didn’t want to do this but I can’t afford court and I had to feel I’ve done everything I can. Part of me actually also wondered if I was in fact the problem, he had me so convinced I was losing my mind that I wanted to run my point passed a third party and see if they looked at me in horror for what I was asking. They didn’t, they actually found everything I said reasonable and I was willing to be very flexible and accept points that were out of my control. He just kept pushing though and getting nasty. Looking back it was probably good that someone else saw it and was there to reality check. I have had these conversations with him so many times, it’s like he deliberately pretends he doesn’t understand what I’m saying so he can justify his rage. Not once did I have to be asked to modify my language or be more compromise because I wasn’t asking for anything unusual. But he has always talked about going “above and beyond@ for his kids so much I think he believes these lies. At the time I felt like I was under attack but looking back at the situation I think they were as fair as they are permitted to be….this being a neutral space. I think that’s where he struggled. He always just talks over me, pretends I’ve said something different and unreasonable , not what I’ve actually said. Then he reacts with outrage to the thing he’s pretending I said. It’s really quite bazaar. They were good at bringing him back to point at times, correcting that they had heard me say something very different to what he was saying I said, asking for something completely different to what he said I was asking for. It’s what he does, creates chaos and confusion so he is not accountable for the real points being raised. I’m not very hopeful that he will come up with any solutions to his problems or that he will even attend the next meeting. I’m pretty sure by the time we get to the next meeting he will have decided I have “brainwashed” them as well as my children. But at least I said my part and he was held account for ignoring what I say. He just did “get” so much of what was trying to be achieved.its nothing to do with fairness or what’s best for kids, it’s only ever what he wants and how he needs to control. I just want some peace in my life. Desperate for a feeling of peace away from these soul sucking dementors.
Had already booked a sports massage, prepaid so I wouldn’t back out for the afternoon…my back and neck are a mess just now, and I’m running the bath and going to watch mindless tv. For the first time in my kids lives I have taken a few days off work for myself while they are at their dads. Something I could do a couple of times a year if he did a third of the holidays, which he hasn’t up til now but that’s another session. So yes, my counsellor advised a plan of prebooked self care for after, which I have followed. Thank you. I think you are doing marvellously well just now also.

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Thank you ladies. Starting to come back into my own head again. That was the weirdest feeling. (Detail removed by moderator).  Has now been asked to go away and think about how he can facilitate the days suggested so we can move forward. He’s gonna have to speak to my mum. That should be interesting going forward. Kept going on about my mother and how my whole family hate me and find me impossible. By this he means my mother and sister. Both thick as thieves and clearly complicit in this. The thing was they were not nasty messages. They asked for boundaries to be respected. Very basic ones. They just told him there was no need for them to see these as they were not relevant. I was shaking, had to bite back tears, didn’t want to come across as irrational like they make me out to be. Haven’t slept in days. Utterly exhausted. Thank you so much for your support. Xxx

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Is there a way of keeping it inside your house? Near the entrance or a window? I don’t know, I’m just thinking surely there isn’t a law against a GoPro being left on a windowsill? I’m maybe being very naive. Do u have a panic button and is your house on the police fast response system, this means if u press it any nearby units will be immediately deployed. It’s maybe more the reassurance that it’s not picking up anything untoward though that you need to gradually feel safe. What a horrible neighbour!!!! I can’t imagine being up to anything that would bother me being caught on a neighbours cctv, it’s not angled right into their bedroom or lounge for heavens sake…it’s a safety device. Keep going out, keep pushing yourself to do normal until it’s not a push anymore. You are doing brilliantly. Xxx

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Made my situation worse also. Constructively evicted me and my children from our home through their bail conditions. I thought I was in a nightmare but when the police got involved I woke up to a living hell. Their inability to comprehend what they were doing and their staggering ability to just make mistakes with consequences for only myself and kids was staggering. I made an official complaint, they told me lessons would be learned but then got a letter basically taking no responsibility. I didn’t ask for them to do what they did, they took the decision and left me with the mess and a huge bill for a civil case to correct their ineptitude. They look after men. They sympathise with men. I felt like I was treated like a pain in the neck to them.

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Ayanna I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. You have been very supportive of me at times, and always seem incredibly strong. I think it’s so hard sometimes to take a step back, (something I can relate to), and find positive things. Professionals do make mistakes, I get that you find this incredibly disrespectful when you open up to someone, tell them the things you have suffered and details that are massive in your life get mixed up by them. I think though that while these details are horrific and caused unimaginable suffering, what they are probably more focused on is how your life and state of mind and ability to cope is currently affected. I’m not saying that the details are not important, they are everything I know, but it’s just that their focus may be in a different place. Nobody can ever take away what was done to you, you like others did nothing to deserve it, nobody does but it happened, it was done and at some point you may wish to choose to let someone help with the impact it is having on you currently. It is your choice though and not something you can do until your ready. It sounds to me like you have had to fight for survival, literally and I don’t think anyone can properly comprehend what that is/was truly like for you, individually. I personally don’t think anger is a bad thing, it’s a natural process after what you have been through, your anger keeps you safe, shows you things in your world your not happy with and alerts you to your bad feelings and makes you protect yourself from harm. Only when your ready to can you take steps to move through it. Only you know how much of a problem it is for you. But just now you don’t sound happy. I wish I could literally give you a hug and tell you to scream and rage and you can do it safely. When you are ready to maybe try and see the professionals as just that, they can try and empathise with how your feeling just now, they can give you tools to help you feel better, which will be a long process I’m sure but all they can do is give you the benefit of their training. They can’t make what happened better, they can’t care like a family member you should have had, they can impart knowledge to help you work through this. Not make it go away. They have a learned skill set they can share with you if you decide you want to let them. It’s unbelievably hard to let someone in and you are waiting to have that trust betrayed but try to remember im this is a professional relationship, they are not going to exploit you, they want to help you, because they chose to study for a long time to understand how to help people in your situation, they want to show you how to deal with things. I’m (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t always get it exactly right for every person but I know that myself and my colleagues never come into work looking to do a bad job. We want to use our hard earned skills and experience to make people in the most hellish if situations, fighting for their life in whatever form that takes get it back. You deserve your life, you deserve their help. Please when you are ready find a way to let their skills in to help. Sending you total compassion for the horrible time you are having just now. You are more than this current feeling. So much more. I promise you. I’ve seen it in your previous posts. Xxxxxxxxx

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Hey, I just wanted to send you a hug. Having similar issues with my ex refusing to take his children when he should. I’m atruggling to find a solution so don’t really have practical advice but just wanted to say I understand. It’s so difficult to watch our wonderful children be treated this way and I think it’s disgusting that there are no consequences for men who do this. There should be government fines that get handed out in my opinion. Compensation for the torment it causes. I understand the powerless thing but I’m coming to realise like the excellent advice from the other ladies that all I can control and be responsible for is my relationship with my child. I’ve got a mediation meeting coming up which I am really anxious about because years later he is still doing this. Try and get something in writing if you can. Don’t ever trust that they will do the right thing. xxx

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Well done. You are doing great. Come a long long way and obviously valuing yourself. It’s great to hear. Xxx

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This drives me crazy, this “parental alienation” nonsense that men who abuse their children and their partners use to prevent taking responsibility for themselves. My ex screams at me about not wanting to see his children in front of them, calls me horrible names in front of them, tells them to lie to me, point blank ignores his children’s wishes on so many things, ignores any requests for financial assistance for his children, makes them feel guilty and sorry for him constantly, behaves like a two year old throwing toys out the buggy if his children question his behaviour in any way but if they stand up to him and say this disagree with his behaviour at all then they are told by him that they are “brainwashed” by their mother to only see her point of view. My eldest recently pointed out that the matter he was trying to talk to him about was totally removed from me and something I had nothing to do with so in what possible way could he have been “brainwashed”. Parental alienation is what these “fathers” claim when their children witness behaviour they find unacceptable and they don’t want to take responsibility. I have stood in shops buying my daughter, “my daddy’s a super hero” t shirts because it made her happy to show him, I have pushed and pushed and allowed myself to be subjected to the most awful treatment so that their father remains in their lives, that he has a chance to be their father. (Detail removed by moderator). When my son asked not to go back to his dad’s until he was better as he “didn’t feel safe” I was again accused of parental alienation and brainwashing my children. The last thing I needed was to be turning my work schedule upside down so I could look after my son while he was supposed to be at his dad’s because he didn’t feel safe, but I did it because I care about his feelings. Not because I wish to brainwash and alienate my children from their father. I think any parent who claims this needs to be looked at more closely. I’ve heard men claim it before and I think it’s a cop out for not being bothered. There are obviously cases where it isn’t but I think a lot of the time it’s a convenient, maddening, and impossible to defend claim. X

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