fizzylem

[fizzylem]

LTLA, I’m often struck by some of the user names we choose, yours says to me this is where you want to be – which you could, if you choose this.

You are that strong woman, she’s inside, just utterly worn out; sadly this is what happens alot, happened to me too, we stay until we’re so worn out we feel stuck because we have no energy to do anything and fear making a decision, become riddled wth self doubt. Sadly, this is common. But yes, it does take strength to leave.

If it is possible it is always better to get your ducks lined up before leaving; perhaps this is you? Maybe for now, all you really need to do is decide you’ve had enough and you are leaving? That for now you are going to plang and think about what needs to happen when you do; giving yourself time to get your affairs in order and gather the information you need.

I’ve learnt that when I feel I have no energy and I’m emotionally worn out, it’s support I need. Maybe for now your focus is to pull in all your support, let trusted friends, family and support services like WA know – so they can help you to think about what needs taking care of and the best way to approach each aspect.

Talk to only those people who understand and will support you, and put the rest aside for now. This will help you find the strength you need. The women on here will help and a support worker from your local womens aid could be good. Maybe reach out to a few of the women on here in a private message, lots of women make supportive friends who get it by doing this. For now, build and shape your support, and this will make you stronger. Take one day at a time, one task a day, until you feel stronger.

Maybe tomorrow book that counselling if thats what you’ve been thinking about doing, or speak to your friend saying you’re thinking about leaving, or call WA for a support worker – mine was invaluable – you get the idea, think about what you need now, at present only, then work through, getting this / things / people in place – one at a time before moving onto the next x

[fizzylem]

Thank you to you all for your kind and thoughtful replies. Much appreciated. I know I will get past this, I need to process it and get to the otherside. Have felt for years when will it ever end; and now I’m here. Just need to get past this blockage, unravel it, spend some time with it, feel it all, take some dam meaning from it all, find the resolves I need, then I think we’ll be truly free to live life. What I need to do is express it with another, someone who understands, someone who can ask me the right questions to help with this, give me what I need, to help me over the finishing line – then I’m never looking back x

[fizzylem]

It’s not the answer and you know this really. Your daughter has said one thing to you, ‘maybe meet him half way’, and your making the decision to stay based on this, when every fibre in your being wants to end it.

You’re right, she doesn’t understand it, she hasn’t lived through what you have with him has she, nor has she been in an intimate relationship with an abusive partner; its easy for her to say maybe meet him half way but she does not really know what she is asking – does she? It’s certainly no easy thing for you to stay is it.

Our kids need to learn how to deal with disappointment and that life doesn’t always go as we hope – and that this OK. We deal with it, we get through and out the otherside.

What she needs from you is to see that you won’t tolerate abuse, which inturn teaches her that she shouldn’t tolerate it either in her relationships. At the moment you’re only showing her that as a woman this is our cross to bear – is this what you want for her? To feel she needs to put up with it, say if she were in an unhappy marrage? It’s not is it; so show her the way.

She might not fully understand now, might never, lets hope so really hey, but she will come to understand eventually why you left him and that this was the right thing to do for you and for her too. Kids often only know what they want, and rarely what it is they need and this last until they fully mature; she speaking from the child within, which is ok, but it’s not really what she needs is it; nor what she needs from you to do.

You can do this, to drag it out will only lead to further abuse and trauma. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy getting to the other side, you’re at the begining of the end, and there’s a lot to wade through yet, with a lot more heartache, but when you get to the otherside you will know it was all worth it and the right and best thing to do; you’ll gain yourself back, only you’ll be a stronger and wiser you, your sanity will be restored; but you will also have an even closer relationship with your daughter, because when you are free of the abuse you won’t need to hide things from her, you will be more available to parent and enjoy her as well – she can’t see this now, she has no experience of just the two of you, mum free from him, but when she does she will get it and know herself that yes this is better – this was needed x

[fizzylem]

I had a few turning points…

I decided to stop talking to my friends about him, I would let them know how I was feeling that day when with them and that is all, I made a concious effort not to discuss him with them, I could see it was toxic and damaging my relationships. I decided these relationships needed protecting from him. Friends can only offer so much emotional support, they actually, more than anything, want their friend back, to have a normal friendship where you’re there for one another ‘sometimes’ but you have time together away from home and work life, and do fun things together or have a good natter about all sorts. Problem with abuse is that it takes too long to heal from – for them. As I couldn’t be this friend for a while I dropped out, then re joined when I felt able to compartmentalise the abuse when with them, and do you know what, this was not only what they needed, it was also what I needed too. Talking about him only left me feeling awful, justifying myself, explaining also, so I stopped it. I sought the support from others re the abuse, the women on here, my WA support worker and the helplines, and this was all I really needed – only those who get it, no explanations ever needed with these people.

I went to meditation, to give my mind a break, by doing this I learnt I can and do have control over the thoughts I think, and thus how I feel, negative thoughts lead to negative feelings right? Thoughts of self care and other things lead to feeling ok, I can manage. Lifted even. Another positive that came from this meant I felt connected to others, without any of these people knowing what I was going through – this helped enormously at a time when I couldn’t engage with friends and family that much at all. It meant no awkward or personal questions to deal with whatsoever. Left me feeling human again.

Another eye opener was when I realised I’d been living in fear, and that this fear bred more fear; and that this fear was mostly in my mind. I started to see the things he’d told me were simply not true and how I had reacted faslely believing him at the time. All of this fear led me into long days and nights of angst, stress, distress and desperation for a long time (also was worse after it ended for me too btw, but then that is because their behaviour can often get worse, we have no influence at all after we’ve left hey), but, I can see now that these states were largely a product of my fear. I studied what are my rights, his and my child’s, got to know these inside and out, so I knew what he could and couldn’t do. I came to see that I can’t do anything about how he behaves, and that he will ALWAYS disregard me, be disrespectful, abusive, unreasonable and none cooperative, BUT, I can choose how to respond to this. I started to stand firm with him in the comms for our child, I always communicated with respect and integrity, regardless of how he communicated, if he was vile I didn’t reply at all, more I thought ‘more evidence’ if I need it. He did not like this no, not one bit, but I had no other contact with him in the outside world, and if he did breach this boundary, I called the police and they to dealt with him. There’s now an injunction; so it’s out there, the truth, he knows that if he keeps coming for me it will only land him in a heap more trouble; and thankfully for us, he values his public image more than anything.

It took time, but he gave up eventually and moved on. We have nothing to do with him now at all – yes he is still peddaling his lies, his victim narrative, smear campaign – he will never accept any form of personal responsibilty – they don’t do they; so I don’t give this any time or thought now, not what he says, does and definately not what he thinks – gav that up a very long time ago now; again, I can’t do anything about this can I? Other than ignore it and stay with our truth, so this is what I do. I accept he is the way he is and will do and say what he likes. He’s not our problem anymore, sadly, he’s infecting and feeding off others, but then we all have choices don’t we – so it’s now up to them how they deal with him – because we are well and truly done.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like a family full of bullies and anti soical behaviour, and criminality? No doubt they are already known to the police.

You have a ticket out of this if he’s on probabtion don’t you – make the call only this time name him and put his name to all of the other incidents too.

Could you ask about what kind of protection you and your family could recieve first?

Deal with him then if any family members do threaten or intimidate call the police on these people too – it really is their job to deal with these people. It’s frightening to deal with for a time but once they get the message that you won’t tolerate it anymore and will get the police to deal with them they should move on. They don’t want to have to deal with the police nor face any consequences this brings.

Also, could moving be an option? Victim support is a good one to call, they will have all the info you need / can advise what is possible, what are the options. It’s totally anonymous as well so you can talk freely. Gather as much info as you can.

[fizzylem]

Hi Minty, good to read the counselling has helped, sounds like you made a good start. Healing comes from all sorts of people and places and takes a while for sure. I’m several years out now and have had several courses of talking therapy. Finding ‘what helps’ and building a strong support network is key. It sounds like you are yet to learn what are your needs and how to meet these to me; so look to others, look to these men to try and fix something in you. Doesn’t work does it. I think some more counselling would be good.

Sorry to read you’re feeling the way you are, your self worth sounds none existant atm, and that maybe until you feel strong enough and content being you – you will be vulnerable to abusive men and partners.

Boundaries are so important, they protect us. I read a good post earlier by Darcy, in general discussion, her post is titled ‘Boundaries’, perhaps have a read of this – think it might help, it might steer you in the right direction.

Learning to stand on our own sets up in the best way to form relationships with others.

[fizzylem]

Pears, please call the police and log this incident, walk away and let them deal with him and it for you. Many of us are just as fearful as calling the police as we are of him, but they are there to help and will. My only regret is not having called them sooner; after you’ve done it once you will learn that it was ok and the right thing to do.

[fizzylem]

Yes alienation is really damaging, it’s emotional abuse, it robs children of their childhood, self esteem, it leads to anger, self isolation, blocks bonding, it disables you as their helper. It’s awful and is not taken seriously in family court or by Cafcass. It’s hard to prove, so keep a record of everything they say. I did, had a lot of this documented, but the Cafcass officer refused to acknowledge it or even look at it when I tried to put this forward.

Perhaps call the NSPCC for advice?

Sadly, it seems to me that abusive father’s can and do often get away this. Your gut instinct is spot on, they need protecting; but the law is on his side if you remove them, especially if they want to see him – this would be traumatic.

Rock and hard place for sure. Pull in as much support as you can for you and for them, make sure they know the childline number, they could call the NSPCC too; talk about strategies they can employ when with dad – equip them. Teach them they have boundaries and these need to be respected, and this includes dad. It can be a growth learning, but this takes time. I found an excellent book recently called, Can we talk about consent?’ – this has helped us enormously.

You could also call children’s services and discuss your concerns with them, see what they advise; I absolutely 100% regret not doing this myself when it all started – it didn’t even eneter my head to do so, but years later I can now see this is exactly what I should have done, but this said, would they have been any help or not? Sometimes they can be, othertimes not so much or they can even make it worse. Guess I will never know. But, if you have these concerns they are supposed to be the people we call for help.

[fizzylem]

Hi CP, can relate, my ex has run a smear campaign for years; lots of people believe him, interestingly, no one that knows me though; just his friends, family, new partner and work place. It’s infuriating isn’t it; but we have no control over this, only how we deal with it. I find the only way to deal with it is to not think about it, to put it out of my mind, stay with my truth. I know that if I don’t that this will only lead me into much anger. There really is nothing we can do about it is there, so for me this means letting it go. It can bite you as well sometimes, when it becomes obvious others have taken his side, this can feel rubbish, but the same priciple applies, if they want to suffer fools this is entitrely their choice hey. When it comes to anger I always ask myself can I control or influence this? And if the answer is no I step away. Good to express how you feel with someone first, quite often this is all we need.

I would keep a diary and log all this; he’s not breaking the law is he. But, if there is an incident or you gather enough evidence to show there are patterns and how this is effecting you, then you would be able to either get the police to deal with him or get an injunction in the civil court, like a non molestation order. It’s usually best if you have police incidents recorded for this, so if he steps out of line do call them to get it logged. After this, with an order or a verbal warning not to harass you given by the police, even if he walks by your house, if you feel intimidated or harassed then this is classed as intimidation and harassment if this is how you feel.

I would call the police on 101 and discuss what you have said on your post and how this leaves you feeling harassed – so it is logged, and they might be able to give you some advice.

You have two choices really don’t you when it comes to participating in these groups, either attend anyway or leave and find something else. I imagine you would be pretty safe to attend these groups as long as others are around; like you say, he has a public image and then how he behaves when he is with you. I had to attend a few things like assemblies etc when he went, first few were incredibly stressful, but after this it got a little easier. I made sure I always went with a friend who was fully aware of my difficulty which helped no end.

[fizzylem]

Awww, what a lovely reply from Darcy, love that. So true.

You’re at a low point Gv, this will pass.

You have choices, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. If you don’t have the strength then this is becaause you don’t have enough of the right support. Pull in your support, call WA, speak to your GP.

Your family likely don’t really understand it, speaking to the women here helped me a great deal, talking to those who get it. See of you can get yourself a WA support worker from your local branch, mine was a godsend. Keep posting x

[fizzylem]

Hi Ap, yes this is typical controlling behaviour from an abuser; chances are he won’t do it; this is pretty common actually. You can’t fix this, you need to walk away for you and your own sanity. If you are really concerned he will do it, you can call the police, tell them your concerns and ask them to do ‘a safe and well check’ on him. Chances are he will feel so embarrassed about this he won’t do it again, and it will also make him realise this is what you will do if he does try this again; doing this sends a message loud and clear, that these threats won’t get him the desired reaction he wants from you – to come running.

You are not responsible for him, his feelings or his actions; this is his life and he can choose whether he wants to live or die – this is completely his choice. There is plenty of support available to people who feel suicidal, he could call his GP and or the samaritians, or seek some counselling, perhaps point him these directions if you feel you need to, if you are still in contact with him, but that is all. You are not the person that can help him here, if it’s genuine he needs professional help and if not, hopefully he’ll stop doing this.

[fizzylem]

Course keep it. Also call Victim support and talk it through with them, it’s anonymous so you can talk openly and freely, they offer emotional support but can also tell you your options.

He’s not committed to you; his hot and cold behaviour, this relationship is not working for you, draw a line, empower yourself and walk away for good. You want someone that can be dependable, that loves and respects you through good and hard times, that’s consistant so you know where you stand, someone that doesn’t lose his temper and attacks you, someone with emotional intelligence.

Emotional abuse is not a crime no, it should be though, I’ve seen it reported somewhere that a lot of women who are emotionally abused and also beaten to a pulp, say they could take the beatings, but its the emotional abuse that really destroyed them.

Psychical abuse, assault, coercive and controlling behaviour, stalking, harassment, threatening and intimating behaviour, rape, sexual abuse and financial abuse are all punishable crimes. It maybe that the emotional abuse evidence you have, grouped together with more patterns in his behaviour and how you feel, and other evidence you gather, like police and GP records – would mean that there is a case for one of the above punishable crimes.

Something I have learnt is that each incident seems to be one more peice of evidence for a long time. I think right, this is it now, this time he’s really shot himself, but no, it requires a lot of evidence and a number of incidents, unless there is one really severe incident of course form the list above.

Call the police and get each incident logged, and speak with your GP, WA will also keep notes on any phone call you make to the helpline and you can request these if ever you need them. Pull in as much support as you can; and get rid of him, while your wasting your time with him your esteem is taking one kick after another and you’re not available to those people who will love and respect you for being you either, those you know and those yet to be known to you as well x

[fizzylem]

Hi SP, sounds familiar, can relate so well. All we can do is put one foot forward when feeling this way, and rest when we simply don’t have it. It sounds to me though that you are lacking in support. When I have felt this way I have called victim support, the WA helpline or the samaritians for emotional support – really does help because you can say to them what you feel uncomfortable saying to friends and family. I’ve also learnt to pull in my support, practical, emotional, those that can give me info, those that just help me to feel a bit better.

There’s also a stage most of us go through, we realise we can’t deal with him alone and that there are others to deal with him for us, like the police. Are you trying to deal with this alone? Not uncommon if you are. I carried on for years not knowing how to deal with it and him, going round in circles – it never even entered my head I could get the police or others to help; is this where you are right now? If so victim support is a good one to call, totally anonymous so you are free to speak openly, let it all out, and they also have information on your options.

Hang in there, it takes time yes, but it does get better eventually, the trick is to pull in all the support you need to help you get through and to the otherside. When we feel supported we can do anything, it turns feeling unable to cope into feeling I can do this x

[fizzylem]

Hi Catjam, you’ve noticed one of your major difficulties and one part of the reason why you stay, that you put everyone else first; have you considered talking about this in therapy to try and change this? Because until you start seeing yourself as just as important, as also having needs to meet too, your situation will likely stay the same. You can change this, then build strength and make better choices for yourself as result. This isn’t you, it’s dysfunctional, you do this as somewhere you think it’s the easier or only option, the real you needs to be loved, cherished, heard and responded to, is just as important as everyone else, and she feels absolutely ok to be this way / guilt free.

[fizzylem]

If you can get a parental agreement drawn up as a result of going to mediation, as you can agree to the type of access, this is probably much better for you. IF and this is a big if, if this can be achieved. Quite often they know their rights and that all they need to do is take this to court; also that it causes you distress – win win for him right? Cafcass offer a parental agreement service if you are interested in trying this.

I say this because being the primary carer you do have more rights at the moment; but if you go to family court, time with him will be court ordered so you will have to comply and you might not like how it is set up; you will be expected to be reasonable in court. But obs if you have concerns this will be taken into account. You can request third party handovers when there’s been DA and this should be respected.

Family court is dreadful and there are no winners, the court needs to be seen as fair and law states the child has a right to a relationship with their father, so unless you can prove he is abusive to your child he will get access of a kind. He will only not get access if it can be proven he has physically or sexually abused the child, in all other instances he will get acccess, either supervised or unsupervised.

Personally feel it’s better to try and play the long game and keep it from going to court for as long as possible, keeping hold of your primary carer rights for as long as you can – this is what I did. It will likely end up in court at some point, but at present you have the final say in all matters regarding the arrangements, so dragging this out for as long as possible may be the way to go, so even if you say yes to mediation and it doesn’t work, you’ve gained in time here, delayed it, because ultimately we know the law is on his side in family court. Family court takes the view the parents can’t agree so a form of access needs to be set up.

Some women feel they need a court order to prevent him from not returning the child as there is nothing to stop him from doing this without an order; you could apply for a resident parent order to stop this, but chances are once you go to court you’d get this but he’d also get an arrangements order. Some women want an arrangements order as it prevents him from messing her around too.

It sounds like you have serious concerns for your child’s safety, so you are going to need the support of the professionals, their statements to support your statement; childrens services, CAMS, Cafcass, NSPCC, GP, your children’s counsellor is all the type of evidence you will need. ‘Hopefully’ these professionals will agree and see it, but there’s also the possibilty they won’t too of course.

Keep posting, it’s a long process, lots of women on here that can help. Guess for now you need to decide whether you think you have a case for no contact, and go for this – holding it in mind that all of the prfoessionals you come into contact with will think he and your child have the right to see one another – unless there is severe abuse; and if not, keep it out of court for as long as possible and build a case for supervised access x

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