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I know. I sound delusional, he was a psychopath, he abused me in almost every damn way!! Xx

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Thankyou so much ladies, I know what you are saying, it’s just hard to accept they move on without a genuine care about you, especially when I was (and maybe still am???!!) Absolutely convinced he adored me…. how sweet and content he appeared at times when we went for a meal together, or a walk somewhere. How is it possible that was all so fake??? I know in my logical brain I read about men like him, and think yep, that’s him!!! 100%! But at other times I remember the Dr Jekyll side, which was sweet, and kind and calm and laid back and fun, and I cannot get my head round it all, at all. It’s so weird!!!! (And no I’m never contacting him ever again!!!) FL xxx

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Thankyou qm, I feared that may be the case. I feel so sad, especially if this girl is now in lockdown with him 😢 xx

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Anyone? Xx

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I know it’s hard, it could be a mixture of emotions, hormones exacerbating it, the pain is still so raw and new. After I left it fluctuated like that then it steadied for a while, but at times at the minute now I have found him to have someone new it wrecks my body in waves of pain and literally shakes me. I expect this is all normal and will pass, I thought I had started to heal but the wounds have been reopened a little, and as much as this hurts for you rn, just think that will pass and you’ll come to an acceptance and feeling of appreciation that you have got out of there, no more feelings of pain just gratitude and feeling bad for the girl who is now experiencing his abuse.. xxxx

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I’ve private messaged you Happiermex as I’ve only just seen this post and what has happened to you is the same. The pain is the same. My heart has broken again, even down to the pictures together in bed???! Is this a common theme/thing they do with new supply? What the heck. So so painful. But you arent alone xx

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Thankyou!! Its normal to miss them, right? I mean he wasnt always the devil, he was often affectionate and loving and passionate, but it was about a 70/30 split, the 30% being the nice, the 70 being this angry, sulky, foul mouthed and cruel man. I miss his cuddles. But I don’t miss feeling terrified to express my feelings and even ask a question at times.

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My heart goes out to you. I luckily do not have any children with the man I’ve just left, but all the same I’m missing him and I’m at the stage of questioning if he was really that bad (yes he was) and if it is all me (no it wasnt!!) But I keep recounting my story and how he was to others and they gasp in shock and horror of how he was so I know I’ve made the right choice and I’m sure you have too. Sorry, no advice on the village, although it sounds wonderful to me personally, remember these days you arent so isolated, especially if you can drive and have internet etc. If you want to PM me you can as I kind of feel the same right now. Hugs xxx

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I dont feel amazing, at all. But thankyou so so much for your kind words. Hes messaged since my post and I dont know what to say but I do know I dont want to reply. He cannot truly understand what he has done wrong and why I’ve left.

I’m going to speak with WA/local surestart about support so I know it will be a safeguarding, which scares me!!! But I need to do it as I have no where to live and will be sofa surfing for a while with all my wonderful friends. Xxx

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Not crazy, at all. He is abusive. And many of the things you’ve described sound like the ‘man’ I left recently. He can be the most affectionate loving (but intense) person ever. Such passion and love, but it all comes at a cost to me and my sanity, he tells me I’m abusive and cold but its cause I shut down when he is rant mode in an effort to self protect. Not that it worked. He could rant and talk for bloody hours and hours about himself and his difficult life so far and how it’s all made him this way. When I do eventually try to call him out on his attitude and moods he calls me abusive and ‘crazy woman’ who is a crap mother to my children.

At the end of the day; abusers dont have their own forum where they are questioning themselves and their sanity and looking for answers, do they?! We arent abusers, we arent perfect and sometimes we also lose our shit! But that doesn’t make you or me an abuser, or crazy.

FL xxx

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Hi Hetty,

So I’ve left two days ago, I just went out to work taking some of mine and my childrens belongings and never went back, at first I felt ok, kind of numb I guess. Now I’m scared but keeping going. For my children (not his) and for my safety and sanity.

I am worried he will have done something stupid,people keep telling me it’s not my fault if he does but I feel responsible and at fault.

Me? The thought of freedom is going to the gym again without being told other men will be looking at me. The thought of reading a book without being told I’m rejecting him and not prioritising our relationship. I’m looking forward to not having to keep my kids quiet in a weekend morning to stop waking him up and putting him into a mood with me. Loads of things! Like you being able to take a nap without it being held against me…

Not being told I’m evil and crazy and cold.

I’m hoping you make the break soon like me lovely. Stay strong FL ❤xxxx

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Thankyou so much to you all, it makes me feel stronger to make the decision once the time arrives. It’s just so scary isn’t it. Feeling like I’ve made a mistake will be my biggest challenge too. Questioning if he was really as bad as i think etc.

Also, i know it sounds ridiculous. But losing face in front of friends and family who already think I’ve made a mistake and messed stuff up. I know everyone will be laughing at how ridiculous I am to have moved in with him etc.
I know that’s a ridiculous worry to have.

When he was shouting about killing himself if I left him, I was begging him not to say anything to my children, begging him to be quiet so they wouldnt hear, I don’t think they did hear anything but I was terrified. I feel such a terrible mum.

In a way although I know it’s better to protect them long term by moving out/escaping. It is also in my head protecting them staying too. From all the chaos that will ensue and losing the new home (we moved in with him in his house).

I feel so sad every day.

Xxx

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Anyone? 🥺 xxx

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Hi Daisydo, I thought I’d just echo what than others are saying really, I’d be shocked if he truly got into a programme of counselling that quickly, have you heard any more about it today?

He is changing the goal posts as predicted, the one thing these men seem to be is predictable in their unpredictability and consistent at least in being massive arseholes who deserve not one of us women who give them love, chance after chance and forgiveness.

Give your son a big hug in that single bed, knowing that if he is around a good mummy like I’m sure you are, he will learn to treat women with respect and dignity and love. I’m sorry you’re having such a awful time. I’m going through it at the moment, in a different way, as I don’t see the house we are living in as “mine” so I’d definitely have to leave the house. Neither way is easy, leaving these men or throwing them out is awful… no matter what. Sending my love xx

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KIP, fizzylem, IWMB and diymum@1; thankyou all so much once again for your kind and caring responses. I am extremely extremely paranoid about it all, as you can tell, I’m convinced I’ll lose everything (and mainly by everything I mean my children) if I choose to walk the path of leaving him and reporting him. If he works out I’ve been speaking to WA or even on here he would be so betrayed I do worry hugely what he would truly do. He always always rants to me about betrayal and how much he hates deception and lies, me talking on here or to others about how he is would be regarded by him as a betrayal of the highest order, and I am scared he would unleash true hell on my life.

I love my children unbelievably (as most of you who are mums on here I am sure do with your children) and my world would end if there was any threat of me losing them or upsetting them emotionally. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years on and off, most definitely worse since meeting my OH.

I just don’t feel at all strong enough to deal with the s*** storm I’ll be hit with if I leave, and the effect that could have on my children.

I should never have moved here, and moved in with him, but in a stupid way I believed it could help his moods, if I was here for him all the time rather than travelling to see him at the end of the week. Now I’m stuck. And I feel so sad. Xxxx

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The face changing thing is unnerving isn’t it. Terrifying. Thankyou for your replies it means such a lot to talk to people who “get it” even though I’d never wish it onto anyone xxx

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Thankyou Landy and Fudgecake 😘

I always think that it’s me now. It’s my fault and I’m abusive, I’m even seeing similarities with gaslighting now, I am critical of him more and more. But usually I end up shutting up…. it’s not constant criticism as he says, I’m trying to highlight why I’m so upset mostly. Anyway, relented and had sex, he is an absolute Angel after sex, for a good while- maybe 6 hours I get him as this wonderful laughing and loving man- the man he was when we met (mostly). But it always ends up back the same in a day or even the same day. So I’ll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Even his face changes. So so different. Like a different person entirely. His whole features seem to change!

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Afterhim; thankyou so much for your reply, can I ask, did you ever worry he would make out you were a bad mother? I’m scared as he says I scream and shout constantly at my kids (i dont) and I’m just as bad as him, and I’m terrified it’ll get me into trouble and I’ll lose my children to my ex if he thinks I’m not a good mum and believes my partner over me? I’m just terrified of the smear campaign he will wreak over me and that will cause me to lose my children. Xx

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Daisy Do I have PMd you as I feel our situation is so similar, it would be nice to talk, but ok if not. All I want to say is I genuinely must feel and understand everything and every emotion you’re experiencing now. Huge hugs xxx

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Honestly ladies it is like reading about my own life, every single story. Every single one. You’ve all made me cry because I can’t believe how lovely you all are and so caring and understanding, but also because I find it so so sad how this is happening to so many of us. I’m just sat outside work dreading going home as I know it will be the same again tonight. And if not tonight then probably tomorrow. And I can’t do it anymore. I keep messaging my mum to say I need to talk and I want to tell her something but then he’s nice to me again so I leave it and never tell her. And part of me doesn’t want to as then it’s out isn’t it, there’s no going back: my parents will hate him and I have to leave and right now I am just not ready, I’ve just started a new job, my children a new school, a new area, how can I give all that up just now? I feel so trapped and alone Xxx

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Mine has used this tactic if he thinks I’m about to leave, ironically 20 mins before he told me to ‘pack my shit and leave’. He actually said He would ring my mum (who is very disabled and poorly) and tell her he was going to slit his throat…

Nasty nasty tactic. I did threaten to end it all myself, when he was screaming at me once, I know it’s despicable, but I was so serious at the time and desperate for him to stop shouting at me and hitting doors/walls. I would never do it again, it’s wrong, but in that moment ending my life seemed the only way to stop everything happening. He will not let me forget it. He always says how I’ve threatened to kill myself and I’m no different to him. We are apparently the same as each other.

I will use the tactic the others have said if he does end up trying anything- I’ll be ringing 999 xx

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IWMB!! Hello! How lovely to see your username again and hear from you, thankyou. God this is horrible it’s at the point now where I have settled and come to a calm place then stupidly I go and do that and all the repressed feelings and trauma comes forth like a hellish nightmare. I keep having images of them in bed happily laughing together. Laughing at me, shes thinking how lucky she is, when in fact she is with a man who is Jekyll and Hyde and will torment her and abuse her. It hurts to think he may have changed but he couldn’t do that for me. Or even for his poor ex wife before me, or for his own children… I have visions of him in my head, it hurts terribly. I want to forgive and forget and not care, but I just feel so much sadness and anger that he is carrying on with life without me, that I clearly meant absolutely nothing. Its hurts so so much. I feel so sad. I hope he is suffering, I know that sounds horrendous. But he doesnt deserve freedom and happiness. Not when we are all still healing and handling the aftermath of his destruction.

I’m repeatedly trying to tell myself to be proud o got away and am safe and my own children are happier and safe… but I am finding it hard to be positive.

I hope you are well, how are you IWMB?

Xxx

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KIP if I made a statement wouldnt they have to arrest and take me and him through court? Scared to death of seeing him and being dragged through the court process xxx

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Thankyou KIP you are as always right and very helpful. I’m struggling to believe his kindness and genuine tears was a fake persona. Maybe he wasnt aware of it? I know it sounds insane.

What happened when your ex made counter allegations? He got you in trouble? I’m terrified I’m going to be in trouble over his claims etc and how he can twist things xx

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Thankyou Eunice Annie.

It really means a lot to have you lovely ladies on here. Xxx

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Thankyou again KIP. You’re right and you’ve helped clarify my feelings as to the approach I am going to take. Does reporting it to the police mean he will be prosecuted though? Do I need to press charges? I don’t want that I dont think. His life is sad enough, but maybe claire’s law? Xxx

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Oops meant to post first reply on KIPs comment!!

Anyway; Hetty, it sounds as though your at similar stage to me. I also work in a professional role and deal with safeguarding at times myself and all of this terrifies me even more because of it. I consider myself intelligent and with common sense, yet in abusive situations common sense isn’t always as strong as it should be I’ve found, gaslighting and coercive control have left me doubting all my thoughts and reasoning. I feel like it’s me who is abusive,(as he told me many times) and me who is at fault for this.

FL xx

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Thankyou KIP.

I hope my ex will see it that way, I worried to death if I block his number that will enrage him further than me leaving, and he will wage a war against me by messaging my ex and his family to make out I’m some evil unstable woman.

On top of this I am worried to bits over his wellbeing and whether or not his silence the last few days is indicating he has hurt himself or done something stupid. I would feel so terrible if he has… he would be telling everyone now that I am crazy and evil I’m sure anyway, all his family. Who will undoubtedly believe him even though they all know what he is like and think he Is an arsehole (sorry those were his actual own mothers words to me before)

Has anyone who has left felt so lost and scared out of their mind like this? Xxx

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Fizzylem yes! He very rarely does anything for me or anything which he won’t directly benefit from. And if he does, by god do I hear about it or what??! “Well I did this for you and I wouldn’t have ever done that for my ex; your so ungrateful and don’t appreciate what I do at all”

Thankyou for your story, it continually fascinates (and appalls) me how similar these men seem to be xxx

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Thankyou. Daisy Do it does sound very similar!! It’s awful as he says it’s all my fault how he is as I’ve shut off and am distant and won’t ever approach him first.

I’m literally going crazy I feel with confusion, fluctuating between “it’s him!!” And “maybe it’s me??!”

I have thought about a letter, but I don’t think I’d dare truly as id be terrified to come home as I would just know he would go insane with anger. Esp if I presented him with a log of all Ne has done. He is highly mistrustful of me (and anyone) and thinks I’m already discussing all our business with my friends and every one. He always tells me what “a private person” he is.

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