Glasshalf

[Glasshalf]

Well done for taking this step! It’s a big one! Yes, there will be people on his side. But you’ll rise above that.
In the end, this environment / relationship wasn’t healthy for you. You’re doing the right thing getting yourself out of it.
I understand the doubt, i really do. But you can do this and come out the other side stronger.

[Glasshalf]

Hi, i wrote a similar message a few months ago. It’s horrible isn’t it?
I didn’t want to take the legal route but my partner became agressive when he understood i wanted to break up, so please bear that in mind – you know him so think about how he might react and prepare for it (even if it is leaving for a few nights).
For me, it has taken months and it has been really hard but he understood now that i expect him out before a certain date.
So here’s my recommendation. Make a plan. Write down your short term goals and long term goals and then you can figure out how to achieve them. I included who i needed to inform, getting keys from friends, talking to my parents, speaking to a lawyer (we have kids), safety plan. I basically got myself ready.
And then i had to do the hard thing of saying that no, i didn’t want to try and work it out and go through that emotional roller-coaster. But this takes me one step closer to my goal.
I hope that helps.
It takes courage to do what you are doing. You are not foolish. Take some time to educate yourself a bit about abuse (i like podcasts). It helps you understand how it happens. It’s not your fault. And it happens to more people than you would think!

[Glasshalf]

I’ve experienced something similar, where I started by giving him money out of willingness to help. Expecting (at least some) to be paid back (i never have). It soon became uncomfortable but i was the earner in our family and then we had kids.
At his insistance, I’ve “loaned” an associate of his £x,000.
Only seen a tiny amount back. In total over nearly (removed by moderator) years, he’s had £xx,000 from me.
The major red flag came when he insisted i take a loan out for him (he has no credit rating) of £xx,000.
I hear you, it is draining. And he’s asking for more money now we’re splitting up – another £xx,000 to cover his “(removed by moderator)”.
It is tragic. I’m working on myself to understand how i could be taken advantage of for so long. The reasons always seemed credible to me (it never was for designer clothes, etc).
Not sure this is helpful but just to say i hear you. If i lose my job, I’ll be in a mess as i have substantial debt now!

[Glasshalf]

Hello,
I’m really sorry you are going through this, especially when pregnant.
I just want to say that if you are having to lock yourself in a room to keep him away from you, then this is abuse.
I speak from experience. My soon to be ex and father of my kids is also a “great” dad. However he is abusive toward me in similar way to what you mention. I have also locked myself in a room for the exact reason you mention and he also claimed i was “playing” a victim.
He has never hit me.
It is still abuse.
It sounds like he is ignoring your boundaries (the safe word), which is another red flag.
I’m sorry but i think deep down you already know this which is why you are here.
If you talk to the women’s aid team and read up a bit, you will learn they don’t recommend that you do couples therapy but that you get your own therapist.
This has been massively helfpul for me.

Locking yourself in a room, ignoring your safe word (not sure why you need a safe word but that’s maybe related?), blaming you, playing the victim. These are all signs of a toxic/ abusive relationship to me.
See what other say and i do recommend you use the live chat, too. I found that very helpful.
Take care of yourself. Xx

[Glasshalf]

Hi,
I don’t think i can answer your question about abuse apart from say that i heard once in a podcast that if youre wondering if its abuse, then it very likely is. Women’s aid will be able to discuss this with you and i hope provide some resources.
I wanted to say that the sexual assult you describe sounds incredibly traumatic (and yes to me you have described sexual assault even if that may be hard to say).
I see you mentioned you feel guilty and i really want to say that in no way should you be feeling guilty about this (i know we can’t help our feelings but you have done nothing wrong). This is not your fault. Please be kind to yourself.
It’s really good that you are here. The community is very supportive.
Take care. Xxx

[Glasshalf]

@galabee you’ve come so far in just such a short time. Well done!
I have had the conversation with my soon to be ex and am now waiting for him to move out (i own our home).
You can do this. And once you’ve started the motions it helps you to keep moving forward.
Keep remembering the reasons that got you to where you are today and why you want / need to leave. You didn’t chose this. You are reacting to what he has done to you and putting a stop to future abuse.
And think about your short and long term goals (write them down if it helps).
I hope this helps. Sending you strength.

[Glasshalf]

Hi @weather,
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I don’t know what to say except that we are all here with you.
Perhaps you can try the live chat or call one of the helplines to speak with someone.
Please know that you are not alone.
There is support here.
If you are really scared, perhaps you should call the police? But please get professional advice on this.
Big hugs. Xx

[Glasshalf]

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience. I like the “no one knows what happens behind closed doors” idea.
Today i had someone suggest he and i go away for a weekend together just to let it all out… 🙄.
It’s a tight community and I’ll have to navigate it.
Luckily i do have lots of friends who have seen how he’s treated me and absolutely no one has even once suggested i give him a second chance…

[Glasshalf]

I’m sorry this has happened and it sounds extremely distressing.
I’m going to repeat what @Bananaboat said. It’s his actions that have led to this. In fact He is the one who has destroyed your futhre life together by his actions. If he had not done everything he had done, you would not need to make plans to leave.
It’s sooo natural to feel upset and guilty but in the end you are reacting to the situation that he has created.
You will get your strength back. Some days we progress more than others.
We’re all here with you.

[Glasshalf]

And i want to say: you will be ok. You can get through this.
I’m sure womensaid can provide advice for financial support. You are not alone.

[Glasshalf]

Hello,
This really spoke to me:
“It’s funny how our minds protect us from seeing the blatant awfulness of things.”
Yes!
At least you are seeing them now and that is the first step. I haven’t yet got out of my relationship so not sure what advice i can provide apart from stay strong, keep your goals in mind. You can do this.
Hugs. Xx

[Glasshalf]

Hello, i just want to say that i really hear you and get what you are going through.
I’m also currently stuck living with him.
Please try to take time for youself. Can you go and stay with family or friends?
Things that have helped me: writing down how I am feeling. Doing something else so I’m not thinking about my horrible situation all the time. Clarifying my short term and long term goals and keeping them in mind.
Hope this helps. Take care of yourself! Xx

[Glasshalf]

Hello @toffeeapple fistly, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. That sounds terrible.
It’s vreat you are reachibg out for support.
Your children have given you good advice.
I’ve been speaking with a therapist (counselor) for several months. Having someone to talk to and who helps me prioritise me has been invaluable.
We meet regularly and i find myself looking forward to it. Without directly saying it, she helped me uncover the extent of abuse i’ve been (and am) living with.
Some advice: you need to do a few sessions with the therapist to see if they are a good fit for you. If you’re not feeling comfortable, try a different person.
Be honest. This is time for you and your wellbeing. I hope it can help with your recovery.
Please also feel free to share here. This community is very supportive and can understand what you are going through.
Take care, xx

[Glasshalf]

The kids will thrive because you love them. He will still be there father even when you are no longer living together. By leaving, you will be sending the right message to them about what type of relationship is acceptable and healthy.
I also didn’t tell many people about my partner’s behaviour but he actually often spoke to me badly in front of others. I spent years making excuses for it (illness, family death, work issues). But this does not excuse his behaviour.
So even friends who don’t know about his intimidation, manipulation and financial abuse are telling me that they think I’ll be happier without him.
I also feel incapable of making decisions without him and am now relying on friends and family to help guide me. The control won’t last forever.
I’m going to repeat this. Leaving your partner is the best thing you can do for your kids. You’re strong, you will get through this.
The eruption will come. Try and use the calm to plan and prepare. It will be harder when you’re in the eye of the storm. Xx

[Glasshalf]

Hi, I’m so glad to help. It sounds like you have some great ideas about how to manage life with the kkds once you are out. You’re obviously a great mum who cares enormously about her children. They will thrive in the right environment!
You should hold on to that, too.
I’m a bit worried when yiu say you are waiting for a blow up, do you have a safety plan in place?
Make sure you have everything you can to protect yourself.

Thanks for asking about me. I’m in a kind of grieving phase. I’m mourning everything that we could have been. So I’m bursting into tears regularly.
Today i asked a close friend, one of the gentlest, kindest people i know if i should give him a second chance and she just said “no”. It was liberating for me because i don’t think I’m capable of making decisions so easily on my own.
I’m also gearing up to talk to my parents about it.
Talking has helped me. I now have friends and family checking in on me every day. It helps me stay strong.
And i fully agree with you, i don’t think i will meet anyone new for a while. I don’t know how i could trust anyone. I will focus on the kids and me. Having fun and rebuilding ourselves.

I’m sending you courage and strength. You can get through this.
xx

[Glasshalf]

I feel like i could have almost written your last message word for word.
I used the live chat over the weekend and it was really helpful. Here is a
They can be very manipulative and convincing you that things have changed but then it happens again. He can still be the kids father without being in a relationship with you.
This is your life and you should live it with someone you actually want to be with.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I hope this helps you!
Repeat this over again: I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Hold on there! You can do this! Xxx

[Glasshalf]

Hi,
I’m going through a similar thing. He’s being reasonably nice right now.
I’m not really acting normal because we’re sleeping in separate rooms but I am watching TV and chatting about the kids and stuff with him in the evening.
It’s probably not supporting my message of “i don’t want to be with you anymore” but it helps me feel more calm.and not in a constant state of stress. Which i also need to get through this.
You can do it. You really can.
I wrote down my goals in a calm period. It helped me to keep focused on what i want. Maybe that could help you too? I wrote down both short-term and long term goals. You kind of allude to it with your safe and happy place.
Hope you’re doing ok. Hugs. Xxx

[Glasshalf]

Hi @lifebegins
It’s useful to hear your story. I brainstormed some worse case scenarios with the lawyer today, although that was primarily about childcare.
She wants me to make a report to the police and at the moment I don’t think I can do it. Right now, he’s saying he wants to resolve things amicably, so I feel this risks making everything just so much more stressful. (detail removed by moderator) And then next week, plan is to give him my lawyers contact details (though she advises i go to police first).

I do feel a bit stronger at the moment, and trying to use my time now to prepare for what’s next. I’m just so anxious about all the stress which i know it’s coming….

[Glasshalf]

@lifebegins thanks for your message and the virtual hug! I needed it!
It’s useful to get your perspective.

I’ve contacted my lawyer who has given me some initial advice and I’m meeting with soon to discuss details. The lawyer has asked me to order some documents but to be honest, I’m scared he may pick them up in our letterbox rather than me so trying to figure out how to do that.
In anycase, he’s being fine again now so i don’t really understand what’s going on in his head. I know i need to stay on message but I can’t face another conversation. I’m such a coward. It takes all my energy.

For the loan, he can’t give it back as he’s used it. I’m not sure I’ll get the £00000 back but honestly that isn’t my priority now. It needs to be custody and getting him out the flat. Ensuring there’s a mutual understanding that the relationship is over.
Thanks again. I really appreciate all the advice and support on here. Xx

[Glasshalf]

Ps. If you can get counselling, it could be helpful for you.

[Glasshalf]

Yes, we can give each other strength! The nice, calm times simply don’t make up for the horrible times.
One piece of advice I’ve been given is : stop thinking about him and think about you. It’s hard to do that when we’ve been conditioned to put the other person first.
I realised also that i didn’t want to act because i was scared of how he would react. That in itself if so telling. That is not a life we should be living.
I don’t know if this resonates but I want you to know you are not alone. I know this is really hard. You are not being selfish. You are looking out for yourself, which you are totally right to do.
Protect yourself. Put yourself first. You have permission to do this. You will be happier for it. Xxx

[Glasshalf]

Hi, i just wanted to say that I hear you. I’m in the same situation and the guilt is making me feel sick. It’s really hard but you can do this!
If you have noted down what he’s done to you, take some time to read it over. I have one thing in my head that I play over and over again when he is being nice or guilt tripping me.
Remember why you decided to do this and try to stay strong.
Do you really believe you can have a long term happy life together?
Sending you strength and hugs. Please take time to be nice to yourself. Have a cup of tea or coffee and a moment to also think about something else. You will feel better for it!

[Glasshalf]

Thank you for your replies. I’m so sorry for what you are going through too. It’s gut wrenching, isn’t it? @LostLady, you’re describing exactly my situation! How are you coping? Do yiu have friends / family to talk to?

We are not married. (detail removed by Moderator) he got angry because (detail removed by Moderator) I’d sent him an email providing my bank details to repay a loan that I have got out for him (he already has all the money and repayments start soon).
He threw (detail removed by Moderator) across the room in front of the children.
We then spoke calmly (detail removed by Moderator) as he says he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this to the family.
And I have to say I’m finding it really hard because of course there have been good times.
He’s now said he will leave and move to his house and take the children. The house is too far away for even a weekend visit. I will check with tge lawyer if he’s allowed to do this.
He also asked if I really didn’t think we could work it out and it took all my strength to say “no i don’t think we can”.
He doesn’t understand because he’s never hit me. Thinks it is all about this loan, which it isn’t.
I feel so sick today that I’m doing this to my family.

[Glasshalf]

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I just want to say that I hear you. I’m going through something similar. And I completely get it. It’s like mourning what could have been if he’d been the person you’d hoped he could be. But he isn’t and never will be. It was an illusion.

And hearing his voice is all I do. I’m trying to use it to get an advantage in leaving but he keeps finding new things to hold against me.

Wishing you strength in these difficult times.

[Glasshalf]

Thank you. I’ve spoken to a solicitor but the options proposed were all severe for me as would impact the kids (change locks, get protection order). Maybe I’m just not there mentally yet.
The escalation was locking me in a room, threatening arson, waking up our (detail removed by Moderator) child to complain about me and also sleep depriving me. Told me he should have physically abused me earlier as then I wouldn’t be so difficult now.
Today, we spoke again about separation. He said he would leave in (detail removed by Moderator) months. Told me to have the courage to tell him that I want to break up. Of course this was all done aggressively and he was shouting so much our (detail removed by Moderator) came in several times to tell us she was scared.
I said (detail removed by Moderator) times that i wanted to break up. I tried to stay calm although i was crying as it feels so hard. And now tonight he’s basically told me everything is ok now. So we’re back to zero. 😢
I’m having pains in my chest from the stress of all this.

[Glasshalf]

Thank you for replying and congratulations on your divorce!
I know this will take time but it’s encouraging to hear. I know I will very likely still suffer with the co-parenting but I hopefully won’t be on eggshells all the time because he won’t be there. And I will provide a better environment for the kids.
Your message has given me some things to think about. Thank you!

[Glasshalf]

Congratulations! This is so great to read!!!

I’m so happy to read this as I believe I’m in the beginning of a similar journey. If you don’t mind me asking, I’m really interested to know how you helped him get on his feet, if he still has financial expectations of you and how long it took you to get him out of the house?
Thank you for sharing this story. I feel like there is hope!

[Glasshalf]

Hi! I asked this same question on the forum a few weeks ago!
I’m now at the stage where I’m telling acquaintances and mutual friends about our split.
I’ve basically said that the environment at home is not healthy/good for me and my kids. And that i believe this is the best for us.
People can see that I’m very cut up about the situation.
Closer people have seen his behaviour (not the worst of it or the relentlessness of it) and have not questioned at all.
It sounds like you’re in quite a similar place.
Honestly, apart from one person trying to push me to give it another go, everyone else has accepted what I’ve said.
I’m also aware my stbx is playing victim and maybe some people will take his side. I think the reality is there will always be some who take their side. I found that hard at first but it’s easier to accept that and not waste energy on that. We need to focus on our people and our support network and our goals.
I hope that helps and i hope you are ok. Sounds like you are doing great! Xxx

[Glasshalf]

Also, I hope you are feeling better. Xxx

[Glasshalf]

Thank you for your advice. I have spoken to helpline. And a lawyer. The advice to protect myself is report to the police.
I’m just not ready to do that. It feels so backhanded of me and malicious.
I realise how much control he has over me when I spoke to the lawyer and said I felt comfortable meeting with her (and eventually telling him I’ve got a lawyer) because he told me to speak to one…
I’m also so worried about the impact of the breakup on the kids. Trying to outline what best case scenario is for me right now in relation to custody…

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