Grenache

[Grenache]

Yay!! So good to hear! I’ve been feeling the same lately and I hope everyone on here ends up feeling the way we do too. It’s like being a new person isn’t it?

[Grenache]

Can I ask you – was it a women’s only space or not? Because I really think that would explain it. I’ve seen the way they defend rapists online and there is always one guy, without fail, on domestic abuse articles asking for “the other side of the story” (we all know that’s a clever way of disguising victim blaming). I dunno, I’m just saying, there’s a reason I was looking for a women’s only forum when I first started searching.

[Grenache]

I’ve been liking this video recently:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcN37TxBE_s&t=756s

It’s simple exercises and it changes every 40 seconds so you don’t get bored. I couldn’t finish the first time I tried it and I still take many breaks in order to help myself do more. I think it’s about starting very small and watching your diet. Apparently Ed Sheeran lost tons of weight recently by doing 10 minutes a day of 30 second intervals sprinting and jogging. Keep it doable or you’ll get discouraged. You might even want to start by just walking.

[Grenache]

This article is why this forum in particular is so important. Every single discussion on domestic abuse is always full of men saying that they get it equally as bad. We know this isn’t true but they do succeed in shutting down women’s spaces. When I was looking for forums at first, this was the only women’s only one I could find, how sick is that? We need a place for women only to allow us to talk freely and heal each other. How can we heal by including people (males) who have been raised in a culture of dominance and violence? Awesome article.

[Grenache]

AMAZING!! Seriously so happy for you, and really all women – it’s always good news when abusers get what they deserve and unfortunately, that’s rare.

[Grenache]

Don’t feel like an idiot! If your intuition is screaming something at you, listen to it. I think many of us have felt like that, like maybe he is not physically abusive so I’m over reacting or he is physically abusive but it’s just a slap, it’s not like he’s beating me up and we could go on and on until we say “at least I’m not dead” but there’s so much more to life.

Stay strong and always trust yourself <3

[Grenache]

My husband is the same. In their heads it’s “resolved” by just forgetting about it. If you don’t feel it’s resolved, it isn’t. Try to move on. He sounds really controlling and he won’t even admit it. He says he learned not to take his anger out on you but how exactly did he learn that? My husband said the same thing but I said the only way to prove that is intense counselling for him alone from someone who specializes in abuse. He hasn’t even tried that. If he’s acting like this so early in the relationship, he won’t change especially if you just forgive him. He just doesn’t sound remorseful at all.

[Grenache]

Thank you all for the support once again. Sometimes you just need to hear what you already know. These messages are so amazing, I’m going to save them for when I need them. You all make me cry! Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Grenache]

I think you should trust your intuition. If you have never read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker, read it if you can. I found it really useful.

[Grenache]

Thank you so much everyone! Sometimes all I need is reassurance that my instincts are right and my decisions are ok <3

[Grenache]

BUT my mom is still being horrible. She is refusing to talk to me and fighting with me, taking his side. If she were to kick me out I would have no where to go.

[Grenache]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Lover of no contact,(removed by moderator) I have good news too, I was afraid he would turn on the charm to get me to feel like coming back but he continues to show his true colours. I really feel ok! Not great, I’m still exhausted and worried about the future but my resolve to leave is still there and I feel stronger in it. Turns out, even him planning to move and buy me a car was a lie. He is not willing to do anything at all to fix this. He wants me to quit my job near my parents and find a job in the city we lived in together. He wants me to just accept his apology and move back, “forgive and forget” he says. Even if I were to go back, why on earth would I ever forget the patterns of abuse he showed? I should be looking out for my safety. He doesn’t want me “bringing up the past” but when he keeps showing the same patterns, it’s not in the past is it? I said I have every right to be upset for as long as I want. He is not humble at all, he feels justified in what he did.

I said I need him to see an abuse counsellor (and even then it is not a guarantee that I will come back) and he is refusing. He needs to prove some change to me but he is not willing. How many chances is he entitled to and why am I working so hard to help him with HIS abuse? Enough is enough. He will not even admit he is controlling and abusive. I told him to his face that he is abusive and controlling for telling personal details about me to my family that he knows would affect our relationship, using fear to shut me up just like when he raised his fist at my face. Can you believe it – he tried to do it again!! He gave me hints he would tell my mom again, even after I told him that for me it was over when he did that. He can’t even control himself for a few hours to pretend to be better but I guess in the end it’s better I see him for what he really is. It doesn’t even seem he wants this relationship, the way he is acting so why does he even want me to move back in? Once again, it’s all about cooking and cleaning and I will never forget that the more I did it, the angrier he got.

[Grenache]

It sounds like your situation is tougher than mine. I don’t have kids and it wasn’t so hard for me to just move back in with my parents. I got a job near my parents which is far from my husband. It helped me kind of hold me there away from him. When I applied for it, I was kind of on autopilot, from an outside perspective it’s kind of insane that I’m getting a job in a city away from my husband. But I was just kind of emotionally numb, following my instincts and doing what made me feel better. If it helps, try to keep yourself as emotionally neutral as possible. Don’t let any of your emotions out of control. As long as you know this is best for you, your heart will lead the way. You really just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time and it’ll be hard but everyone here understands and you can always find support here. I hope I helped at least a little! Can you warn the teachers at your kids school to watch out for him?

[Grenache]

“Told me he wants to ‘break my spirit’ so i’ll submit to him and stop disobeying him”

That IS exactly what he is doing and I’m surprised he has that level of self-awareness let alone admits it. What he is doing and saying is very wrong. He is emotionally manipulative and using fear, guilt and trying to break your self esteem to control you. If you can leave, please do. Show this list to your family and friends. My family and friends really surprised me with their level of support. But I also see signs of him trying to get you to leave your support system. My husband tried the same thing. Don’t fall for it. He doesn’t have the right to change your behaviour either.

Like another woman said, keep things secret. Write things down and email them to yourself so it has a date on it, it may come in handy later even if just to keep you sane. There are so many details I forget but I’m glad I wrote them down. You are NOT overreacting at all.

[Grenache]

No I would say that is unacceptable. Just the fact that you have to think “is it abuse” really says something, doesn’t it? You have many similarities to my situation. For example, the house never being clean enough even when it is, him making me feel like he has to tolerate me, not caring and even getting angry when I say I feel lonely. We don’t have kids and he also hasn’t actually hit me (yet), but almost. He has thrown things though. I don’t know what to say about debt though, also since I don’t live in the UK but he should go to an abuser’s program, not couple counselling, him by himself to an abuse specialist. And the specialist should be one that contacts you. I would also suggest reading “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me a lot.

[Grenache]

I know how you feel. I moved out a while ago, felt my head clear and could think properly. Then the next time I saw him, I was more confused than ever. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to to keep you on track? I called one of my family members to tell her what happened when I saw him and how I felt and she really helped me see it’s not ok. If not, I can tell you from your post that him saying it’s cause and effect is so wrong. My husband tried to do the same thing to me, saying he is frustrated because I am ungrateful and he just can’t communicate. But from an outside perspective, wouldn’t you say that is no excuse for verbal abuse let alone physical? I understand feeling sorry for him too but you have to start realizing he is an adult and if he can’t act properly, you can’t prop him up forever. He needs to sort himself out.

[Grenache]

Beautifully said!

[Grenache]

You’ll get there! And there’s no reason to feel guilty about his dad, it’s not your fault! Maybe empathetic but not guilty. Sorry it took so long to respond, I’ve been keeping extremely busy, which definitely helps A LOT. I’ve been very, very lucky lately, it’s almost as if God or the universe or whatever you believe in is telling me it’s ok to leave and that it’s the right thing to do. Things seem to be falling into place finally. I was able to find a full time job and I’ve been taking on extra responsibilities which is keeping me so busy but I am feeling extremely productive. I’ve also come into some unexpected money recently too which I’m going to use to get into photography which is exciting 🙂

I hope everyone on here gets some of the luck I’ve been experiencing lately (hopefully it’s contagious lol). But keeping your mind occupied is definitely a really good, healthy thing to do. I’m not worried about the relationship aspect of my life anymore. I probably will at some point but I feel so much more like going with the flow and taking what comes my way after everything that happened and focusing on myself. I really do feel healthier than before, maybe it was a good learning experience.

Looking back, I feel like I have been slowly moving on without realizing it. My intuition always knew he wouldn’t change and I would leave him eventually. I left (detail removed by moderator) ago (I know we aren’t supposed to give timelines but that is very vague so I don’t think it is a problem to say) and sometimes I am still reminded of things he said to me and I am sad that he never truly loved me but I know that is more his problem than mine. Improving myself and my life was the best thing I could do to accept moving on. I still don’t know if I fully believe that he has accepted it but I guess he has no choice now.

[Grenache]

No, I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find the full episode 🙁 But I’m definitely going to watch more of this judge! There’s lots of full episodes on youtube. And yes, I totally agree, this is for any age!

[Grenache]

Yes, Musicalmad, I hope we can both stay strong <3

But then we can always help each other 🙂

[Grenache]

Hi Recovery,

Mine is the same, lots of verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation until he was almost physically abusive. He is also telling me he is so sorry, hurting without me and is willing to get counselling. But there are subtle cues it’s a lie. First he said he will get counselling if it really means that much to me (not because it is what is needed) and he said he will apologize to my family for what he said about them if it means that much to me (not because it is the right thing to do). He is sending old pictures of us etc. just so manipulative. Don’t fall for anything your husband says. I’m glad you’re as determined to move on as I am. He is even trying to bribe me with a vacation…it’s like he doesn’t get it at all.

[Grenache]

Missy, I understand how you feel to an extent because I was really, deeply sad when I realized he doesn’t really love me. I wondered why he wasn’t fighting for me and it really upset me. I wanted him to be trying to fix things every day, beg for forgiveness etc. because some real remorse might have been really good. But in the end it’s good he is showing his true colours so I don’t get sucked back in. And it’s not us, maybe abusers are incapable of loving relationships, who knows?

[Grenache]

WORST case I could live with one of my aunts but both of them have so much personal stress right now and it has been a bad year for everyone, so I would feel bad even though I know they would support me in that way. It’s just difficult. I’m going to see if they can ask her to stop being so harsh :/ On the bright side, in (month removed by moderator)I will have the time to get a full time job and that isn’t too far away so hopefully I find a decent one and getting my own place will be an option. I’m just glad I’m able to trust my inner voice for now. My friends have been great with emotional support.

[Grenache]

Thank you Jennaflorie for the reassurance, I really feel the mediator is wrong but can’t help feeling guilty because of what he says. I hope you are ok, I can’t even imagine your situation. Are you still with him?

[Grenache]

Thank you! It’s nice to hear from someone who can understand on a deeper level. I can’t believe your friends and family weren’t allowed to know your address! 😮
My aunt is luckily 100% on my side since I’ve been very close to them my whole life and my husband and his family lived in a different country until a while ago. She is really angry with him.

I’m glad you’re doing better! You can message me anytime you want as well. I hope I’m in a place where I’m free and just supporting other women soon.

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