Hebe

[Hebe]

Hi Blueskies3

It’s a long road for sure to get counselling or support, but keep going. I’ve managed to get on Freedom programme at a later date. Your GP can help to give your support groups to contact. I have had some counselling over zoom which was very useful. This was one for carer’s.

A lot of support has been affected by Covid, hopefully this will slowly change. Any counselling programme took a long time to join even before Covid.

Any insight into understanding what has/is happened/happening is helpful. The self-help books are useful and may fill the gap.

Good luck with your quest

Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Hi Imagine,

I am standing in very similar shoes to you, after ignoring health issues, my ex is very ill. I have been confronted with the thoughts of blame and guilt. I have been up & down and the wine bottle has been a measured last resort. I have cried and cried and cried.

But now? I am reconciled with the fact that he has a choice, he is an adult and there is support for him. I do not need to be his life support machine. What I do need is my own life.

Like you there are things to tie up, some beyond what I can influence. So I am taking action to the point I can without having to resolve those legally. Yet. Get legal advice, facts rather than dwell on what may or may not be. I find
that helps me in making decisions. It takes a lot of energy to get advice, it is worth it as the anxious energy is draining. Turn it to a positive for you.

I am living in the moment, enjoying the pleasures around me and you are doing the same. There will be other moments to get through and they will pass. One step at a time, it’s the best way and wow, haven’t you done so well!

As KIP says, it can be the slightest event that sets you off and writing down your achievements is such a morale boost. Sounds like you have a lot to write down 🙂

Enjoy the puppy, sounds a great comfort. Find a different trainer if it’s not working for you, some people you ‘click with’ others not. Trust yourself.

Hugs
xxx

[Hebe]

Hi

This sounds all too familiar. Never apologising, acknowledging, taking responsibility for their action or behaviour, not listening to your needs or requests. They don’t change unless they receive help to do so, but they are unlikely to do that, because they are so right all the time.

Make a record, keep it safe, this is the way to see what is happening. To have a record of the events means you have the facts, not what the other person says happens and that you must have got it wrong, forgotten or mixed it up with something else. That helps with the self-doubt.

Even then it can seem unbelievable, because you can’t fathom why anyone would treat you so badly. Abuse is subtle, it hooks you and draws you in, then it gets ramped up and you recoil, then it starts all over with the sugary words and change of tack. The smoke screen of innocence and failing to comprehend what you have said, and sending you off into doubt are other familiar ploys. It gets so bad that you think , it must be me. It isn’t.

How can anyone be too sensitive? Your either sensitive or not. Having feelings, emotions and emotional intelligence is being human. Not having those qualities? Is inhuman. Or even inhumane. Whichever, spin these accusations around. You feel terrible, but he doesn’t. He hasn’t tried to understand because he can’t. Quietness can be interpreted as acquiescence, but your thoughts are your own and how you want to take action. The main actions to take are to be safe, be kind to yourself, record, talk to professionals. Believe in your instinct, it is right.

Hugs
x

[Hebe]

@nbumblebee, absolutely right, nobody can tell you what to do, you navigate that for yourself. What you can do is consider, measure and choose the what, the when and the how. You know your resources and constraints better than anyone else does. Think of your energy in measurable amounts, and add them up. Maybe whenever something hurts you give it a score from 1-10, that’s the energy it takes to resist it. Or what it would take to change something.

Also, don’t feel obliged to act the way others say, it’s what is right for you. I will never be able to afford to take a trip to the moon, the billionaires can and very good luck to them. It’s not impossible that one day I might if I chose to or really wanted to. The risks involved would probably mean I wouldn’t choose to. I can still think about it and then dismiss it from my mind. I can think about it if I won the lottery perhaps. I definitely do not want to go to Mars, that’s a step too far 🙂

The fact that you hurt and realise it is a positive step and a big one. Sometimes, we don’t even recognise that. It took me years to get to where I am now. Do I regret that? I give that thought an airing now and again, a little walk around the block. And overall, no. I wasn’t the same person, I hadn’t had the experience and I didn’t have the knowledge to recognise or acknowledge the abuse. I used relentless positivity as an antidote which helped me although that in itself used energy.

Take care of yourself and thank you so much for your posts, they help me too 🙂

Keep on keeping on, one step at a time.

Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Hi UnhappyandDoubting

All you have written is where so many of us have been or experiencing. KIP’s posts are so helpful. It’s only when you record the events that the pattern becomes clear and that removes the doubts.

Counselling is a great help too as often we blame ourselves and the fight within our minds is troubling. Counselling enables us to break through those thoughts and to give a name to the tactics. It puzzles me still why expend so much energy to be so unkind? Why be so jealous of someone else’s success or enjoyment? Is it because it doesn’t involve them, they are so insecure that it threatens their existence?

I’m no psychologist and some of the self help books give insights. The bottom line is you have the right to be you, to do what gives you pleasure and to excel at that. If someone else is so limited in themselves that they can only resort to bullying or belittling and influencing others to thing the same, then they are the ones in the wrong. It’s what we would say to our children.

Not everyone has the same values and it is a shock to learn that a partner has very different values to you when you thought they were on the same page. When I realised this, quietly I started to take a step away. I could never challenge their thought processes as they were always right. Even if it was illogical. If I did challenge, then I was belittled or shouted at. So puzzled, I stopped, it didn’t mean I agreed with them. They took my silence as acquiescence. It took the opportunity away for those digs.

Alcohol is a common theme too. I was criticised for cutting down and at times not drinking alcohol at all. In the end, it made it easier to decide to leave, another box ticked. He was never going to change willingly, and it was unhealthy for me to be a part of it.

Take your time, get support for the steps you need to take, keep safe.

Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Hi Okeydokey, sometimes the wheels of help travel slowly, counselling takes time to set up and also for the benefits to be realised.

Yes the TV makes for a poor companion, and it doesn’t feed your mind. gettingtired’s suggestion to find something you like doing helps, being creative, baking, reading a book, knitting or crochet is nice and portable. Sometimes we don’t have the energy for that either, but even thinking about something else helps to release our minds from the troubling thoughts. They don’t then sit at the forefront and may continue running in the background but free us to be ourselves instead of locked into the cycle of low mood and anxiety.

Hey, did you know that the act of smiling actually helps you feel better? I rediscovered my actual height recently, I really enjoyed it and I smiled inside. I have set myself a challenge to do at least 10mins exercise and check my posture. If I find I’ve slumped, I pull myself up. The physical act feeds the mental one.

Like you, I looked about me and found I had no friends, they had been driven away or I didn’t want to bring them into the situation. Just me & him. I was lonely. I am now alone, but not lonely. I am free to do what I wish, when I want to, without the constant harping and carping. That is bliss. You will find a new normal, new friendships, it takes time.

The loss of your relationship with your child is so painful to learn. Again, it will take time to recover that, reach out to accept the help which is available for you. Only when we reach out can we take a step forwards. You will get there, be kind to yourself, it takes time.
Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Hi hopefortomorrow

Thanks for asking, it’s one day at a time. I am physically removed but it’s still a challenge. I’m slowly building the wall to prevent or start to limit the electronic control messages. They tug at my heart and soul.

I have to work hard on the damage limitation. I thought I could manage the messages, but I found I couldn’t. It seems on the one hand so feeble to feel so. I have blocked the phone, but it hasn’t ended. So, I look for another strategy. Our abusers seem to have everything covered. But they do not if we don’t let them. That is what I repeat to myself, I will not let it happen.

Well done on reading some of the book, I started one years ago and couldn’t get beyond the first page because it was just too scary then. I did take something from it though, so every page you have read helps to change your thought processes.

Unravelling a long standing relationship is frightening as you wonder how to survive the everyday. And that’s partially what abusers rely on, chipping away at your own beliefs, self-worth and confidence. Some people think it is easy to just walk away, that it is easy to have no contact. It is tough because of our nature which is to nurture, be kind, be thoughtful and as caring people.

It is about survival, you are right to be wary. I was blissfully unaware of the danger I was in, it had been normalised. With support, I was able to see it for myself. So I can say, it is possible to survive and breath in good air which isn’t laden with spite, hate or emotional blackmail, to feel relaxed and not wondering where the next poisoned dart with come from.

Yes, he will sense a change in you and may try other ways to pacify you. This is where the journal helps and to review what has actually happened. When I read through events I have recorded, I almost can’t believe it, why did I tolerate this for so long, why didn’t I see it?

So it strengthens my resolve and by your asking how I am doing, has given me a chance to reflect. And on reflection, I’m doing fine even if I feel a bit wobbly 🙂
Thank you!

Hugs to you
x

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee, so glad to have given you a tiny candle flame, hope is what we all hold onto. Our spirit is strong, otherwise we wouldn’t be on the forum for one thing. You are courageous, you are brave, you’re a survivor, I believe in you and others on this forum do too.

And yes, you do have this, in your hands. It is safe and waiting to fly, when you are ready. Your plan is there and cannot be taken away.

To a writer, a blank page is the hardest view, an artist, a blank canvas, a sportsperson, maybe the start of the season. They are anxious and nervous, how is it going to begin?

So, in your mind, enact what steps you want to take, rehearse them, like for a play. Play different scenarios and see which work. What are the advantages or disadvantages, what do you need to make it work, what can you change, what can’t be changed at the moment, who else can help or give advice or bounce ideas. Solutions sometimes arrive when you least expect – I call them shower moments – when you’re relaxed and your mind is open to ideas.

When we are anxious, our brain is so concerned with the danger we perceive, it stops all sorts of things happening normally. For example, the way we see, I spoke of the colour appearing to leaching out of view, our hearing can be affected, our sense of smell, taste and appetite. Don’t push yourself on days you feel low, just tell yourself it will pass and it will get better. Speak to your GP as well.

The other saying is, how do you eat an elephant? With a very small spoon. This plan of yours is massive. Break it down into manageable pieces and celebrate every step you manage. Celebrate the successes of the day, the week, the month, give yourself a star, paint your nails, play some music that means something to you, have a shower or a bath, whatever you enjoy.

There are people who call themselves project managers who earn a lot of money for making a plan a reality. Your reward is far greater than money, it’s about self-esteem, empowerment, bringing the joy back into your life, self-belief. You will get to where you want to, whatever, wherever that turns out to be. If your plan changes, don’t be concerned, it’s your plan and it can take whatever shape you choose. No-one else has the right to tell you that it has to be done in a certain time, or in a particular way.

Thinking of you.

Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee, I completely understand the way you are feeling.

Your plan is still there, it exists and that’s the most important thing. You are looking a new horizon. It isn’t a stroll in the park, it’s an epic adventure like those that superheroes take, full of twists and turns. Like crossing the ocean in a rowing boat, there will be times when you just have to put the oars down and rest.

A tsunami doesn’t just happen, it is the end result of many smaller things happening, some undetectable.

I would vouch that although you didn’t want to get up, you did. And I would vouch that you also did all the things that you would normally do. This plan is extra, on top of all the other things you do, so it will drain your energy reserves. So, measure each step, record it so you can see your progress.

My favourite quote is this from Alice in Wonderland:
“There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” The fact that you believe things to be impossible, so the argument goes, is that they are indeed possible. Crazy I know, but heartening too. It also is a measure of how difficult those tasks may be. Obstacles, blocks will always pop up, and sometimes it is what is in our mind that is causing the block. My other analogies come from watching sports, sometimes no matter how well the practice or training sessions go, or how fit they are, it’s on the day whether the athlete believes in themselves and also doesn’t run ahead with the final goal missing the match point – to mix up the sports.

I thought of you so much this morning, that I wanted to reach out and to give you such a hug. You will do it, in time, be kind to yourself, you’re in training after an injury 🙂

Hugs x

[Hebe]

Hi hft, do what is safe and feels right to you and when you feel strong enough as each step takes energy. The paramount message is stay safe, if you are in danger, seek help and don’t wait.

I went to the police, I managed without arousing attention. It did help on several levels without an immediate response as you are right not to expect that. They can advise you on how to stay safe and refer you to support groups. With children involved, this may also influence the response.

Telling a trusted third party always helps, it gives clarity to what has been happening, and what is in your mind. Saying it out loud rather than it running around in your head, while feeling certain there is something amiss and it is fundamentally wrong even if the other party says it isn’t. You know deep down, truly.

It is a big step to take, so again, don’t underestimate the energy it will take.

The benefits? Empowerment. You are in the driving seat. It is your action to own and to take strength from. There may be questions that are uncomfortable to answer, at the same time all aspects are covered which you may have overlooked or ignored.

One other thought, the lie was not yours, you were true to the relationship. We find ourselves taking the guilt and blame. This is how the abuse works. It’s difficult sometimes to see the positive, but try to turn negative statements into a positive one. You deserve to be, to live peacefully and to express yourself as you are, a wonderful human being.

Take care of yourself

Hugs x

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee – I am so proud of you – you’re inspiring, all love and hugs to you and well done! I love the plan and that looks like a huge leap forwards. Give yourself plenty of credit for that. In our terms tiny steps are enormous, like wading through a turbulent river upstream. Here for you, if you need.

Hugs x

[Hebe]

Hi Hopefortomorrow, my heart goes out to you, I understand all that you express, the confusion about which is the reality. The loneliness is indeed at times crushing.

Your instincts are good. Your memory is true. You deserve better.

I can only echo what KIP has posted. I will add, this forum is such a haven, to lean on, absorb the positivity and take strength for the gradual steps you will need to take to protect yourself.

Do take time to write things down in a safe place. It is only when you can review these notes through a different lens that the truth is revealed and confirmed. Because such behaviour is so alien to those who are treated so, it is outside their ken and to escape it challenges their own belief systems. Why would someone behave so cruelly for no apparent reason?

I am still unlearning the response to the cycle, it is tough but step by step, action by action which is under your direction it will reduce in time. Get help and support from the professional services and groups available. It makes it easier than trying to do it alone.

For a hopeful message to you, it is possible to find peace and contentment where you may be alone but not lonely. Your dreams are yours and like an athlete in training, build your strength and stamina, it will be testing times, but believe in yourself.

Set yourself easy goals, a to-do list, be kind to yourself if it takes a long time to get things done. I found statements starting with ‘I will’ empowering.

You have a lot to deal with, so the most important message is to take care of yourself, stay safe. Be proud of what you have achieved so far, well done.

Hugs x

[Hebe]

Yes all of those, and a few more…

Depress
Dispirit
Demoralise
Dishearten
Discourage
Desensitise
Deter
Divest

[Hebe]

Thank you Watersprite, I am deeply moved by your response and your message. I was buoyed up (detail removed by moderator) and then came crashing down with a phone call and voicemail then an email. I didn’t answer the phone, I listened to the voicemail and sent a email reply(detail removed by moderator). Hearing his voice broke me, I stayed resolute but felt such anguish and sorrow for his physical pain.

I pushed on with the busyness of the day and got myself focussed on what I needed to do. I hold the messages from you all in my head, and repeat what is at the heart of them, gosh it is so simple but so difficult! His life is his responsibility, mine is mine.

I am so thankful that I am who and what I am as I cannot imagine what it is like to be so lacking in thought for anyone else and the concern is purely for oneself. It is quite a shock to realise that the level of selfishness is so extreme, that as a person I don’t exist at all.

It was a trivial probe (detail removed by moderator) which then made me feel angry because he pushed me and I responded, not entirely as he wanted, but I did respond. I didn’t pass with flying colours. I have to be strong enough to block the calls & texts now. I hesitate. What if? I know if I make the decision, I will be released. So, as I write, I’ve done it. I feel very scared of the repercussions. But it is done.

And, guess what, today’s down did pass, with all the extra cushioning that you have all given so freely and kindly. I didn’t cry buckets, just a cupful – that’s a bonus 🙂 Might be a mountain, but have made it to a resting point to take a look at how far I’ve travelled and the view is inspiring.

Hugs & love all round x

[Hebe]

Thank you ISOPeace, a very good analogy.

Emotional wellbeing is often overlooked and really it is the key to all things healthy. I had ignored all my own needs and desires to my detriment, it is true. I never heard an apology, no acknowledgement of my needs or if there was something it had some catch to it.

And yes, although the myth of his power over me still exists in my mind, physically there is none. It was the shock of hearing of his health issues that caused my defences to crumble.

I need to relearn the ‘no’ and my goal is to rebuild my self-esteem and assertiveness. The waves of doubt are strong at times, and the lows are very low. I tell myself, it will get better. It just takes time for the fog to lift, the pain to ease. While I pace, and cry, I reflect on what I have achieved.

The strengthening messages from family and friends give solace. It’s the quiet hours where the doubts live loudest, but each day that passes they are less insistent and for shorter times. Like a bereavement, reminders and anniversaries will signpost the passage of time, and steadily it will become less raw.

I was overcome with relief by the message from his support worker, so supportive, non-judgmental and kind. It rests with me to stay strong, to resist the urge to drop everything to answer his needs. So subtly started, until I’m hooked and played. There is a horrible fascination of the process once it’s realised and the cycle begins again. He relies on me to respond in the way he thinks I will, and I have to reset that. I have stopped explaining as it will never end. No means no, goodbye is goodbye and the divorce proceedings are inextricably rolling onwards.

Thank you for your thoughts and words.
love & hugs x

[Author]

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