jsscollie

[jsscollie]

I talked to the police about this. Giving in because you know what the consequences will be, is not consent. We should be allowed to say no – because we’re tired/ in pain/ not well/ not in the mood. Sex is not a right.

I think KIP once mentioned something called ‘fight – flight – freeze – friend – flop’ as a coping mechanism. Sometimes you have to just flop because it’s the easiest way to distance yourself from what is happening to you.

[jsscollie]

Thanks all. I’ve booked an appointment with my GP and will take the email with me. I was so naive to think that i’d solved my problems by leaving this creature. It’s so much better than living with him but it’s still feeling like he’s punishing me at the moment. The helpline called back last night and were really helpful too.

[jsscollie]

Thanks everyone. I couldn’t seem to think straight at all yesterday and all I could feel was shame at how much the children are going through as a result of leaving him. I’ve gone no-contact but it’s just moved them into the firing line.

Your messages of support have helped this morning – I’ve managed a hot chocolate and I’ll log it with the police. I’ve only spoken to Social Services briefly once before, and while it’s scary I think they may be able to help offer support.

My biggest worry is how this will impact on the children longer term – its overwhelming to think that they think any of this situation is normal.

[jsscollie]

Thanks KIP. It’s amazing how these things hurt so much when it’s such a personal attack. If it was directed at me I’d cope better because of the no contact order – aiming it at a child is a killer to watch. He always promised that I’d lose everything and I’m so afraid that somehow the children will be influenced as he wears them down with tales of how mental I am or how much he needs to be back in the house to protect them from me. It’s sad that his fear tactics work so well even at a distance x

[jsscollie]

I know what you mean though – sometimes it does feel like they haven’t left. Hugs and thanks for your reply x

[jsscollie]

I’ve been called ‘the other one’ a few times apparently.

[jsscollie]

Kip, I remember you telling me to play the long game and that he would try every trick possible to break me. I had no idea what lengths he’d go to but you were so right. I’m sure there is still more to come but even after this amount of time I’m still blaming myself on bad days.

[jsscollie]

Hi Feanor, this sounds very familiar to me – and probably to other ladies who post here. Can I suggest you call the helpline? They are a massive help and will listen and advise you on the things that flag up signs of domestic abuse. It made a real difference to me. Big hugs x

[jsscollie]

Well done The Lady Bird. He doesn’t deserve to offload all of his actions onto you. Stay strong and keep going x

[jsscollie]

You’ve done the best possible thing for you, your children and even for him. It’s hard now but you’ve taken a massive step forward and been really brave. Big hugs x

[jsscollie]

Mine has tried repeatedly through various ways. There have been hard times when they’ve come home and pleaded to take him back, sulked, argued. And then he’s shown his real self. They don’t want him to come home any more. He told them I was mental… it didn’t work. Your children will see him for what he is in time. I know it’s terrifying but that’s what he is relying on x

[jsscollie]

Are you feeling anxiety about being believed? I know it’s frightening. Please DM me if there’s anything I can do to help and need more details than can be posted in the public forum. The suggestions of having something written down – just a list of bullet points and dates – will help you stay on track. Xx

[jsscollie]

My solicitor negotiated contact for him every other weekend, and one night a week with him on those alternate weeks.

[jsscollie]

Keep your phone on you at all times. Avoid the kitchen if you can. If you aren’t sure about calling 999, please at least call 101 and they will help you – can you lock yourself in the bathroom?

[jsscollie]

It can be comforting to want to go back to what you know, even if what you know was awful, rather than dealing with the fear of what might happen next.

Don’t go back. You deserve so much better. You’ve been so strong and look at how far you’ve come. Xx

[jsscollie]

I’m experiencing the same with my youngest Serenity – it does cause triggers and that stomach dropping moment when you spot the same phrases or behaviours. Stay calm.

It’s ok to point out at an appropriate time how that behaviour makes you feel, and ask what they wanted to achieve by it. Consistency in doing this helps reinforce the fact that you deserve respect – and don’t be afraid to keep saying that.

Big hugs x

[jsscollie]

Well done for joining the forum, it’s a big step forward to share how you feel. You’re stronger than you realise. One step at a time – you may not feel ready to talk to the police yet but if you call the helpline, they will be able to offer you advice on how to stay safe in the meantime. Big hugs xx

[jsscollie]

I appreciate how you feel Serenity. I’m feeling flat which is to be expected, but I’ve forgotten what I like doing, second guess or struggle to make decisions – I feel like part of me died.

[jsscollie]

Sad isn’t it. I can’t take it off the children’s devices but I’ve closed all of my accounts in the meantime as blocking him wasn’t enough. Friends can keep in touch by email or text so I won’t be alone.

The court arrangements were no contact other than to arrange childcare, but I’ve asked if that can be done via a third party instead and then nothing can muddy the waters at all.

[jsscollie]

Happy new year Ayanna – and to everyone on these boards who have got me through the last few weeks when I thought I couldn’t cope another minute.

[jsscollie]

You aren’t responsible for how others behave. Everyone has a choice. Please don’t feel this is your fault x

[jsscollie]

You’re doing so incredibly well Brown Eyed Girl – and talking about how you feel is a really big achievement in itself. Just remember that you’ve come a long way and shown strength that you may not appreciate now but you’ll get through this. One day at a time and keep talking – I’m so proud of you for getting this far x

[jsscollie]

Strube, can you call either the women’s aid helpline or the Samaritans and tell them
How you are feeling? Please know that however bad things seem, you can get through this. Please keep posting to talk about your feelings – you still have everything to live for, most importantly yourself xx

[jsscollie]

You aren’t a mug – you are full of empathy and like to please people. My resolution is to get better at saying ‘no’ without having to justify it. It’ll be tough but let’s both try x

[jsscollie]

This isn’t your fault – and you are allowed to say no without justifying it. His choice not to accept it is his choice, you aren’t making him react that way. Text and then block x

[jsscollie]

I’m sticking with the no contact @kip – otherwise I don’t think I’d have been able to cope with the constant ‘you need to listen’ onslaught…

[jsscollie]

You had it right the first time @loverofnocontact – he used my mum quite successfully for a while. He’s also threatened legal action like residency orders and concerns about my ability to look after the boys. He just won’t stop. I’ve tried talking to the children about some things regarding control, but then they tell their dad (under request) and he twists it to say either I’m making it up or there was a good reason. Last night was ‘it looked to us like you were happy until last month’ because I was keeping the ‘friend’ front on while going ahead with the solicitor. He’s so clever at turning things round on me that I’m afraid he’ll turn them against me altogether.

[jsscollie]

Thanks both. I’ll give the helpline a call – I really appreciate your support. @loverofnocontact – what an upheaval for you all to go through, that sounds exhausting.

[jsscollie]

My ex would always say we needed to talk (or rather he needed to talk to me). He’s just talk over and over incessantly by text or on the phone. He even tried it after making an (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) texts and I had to call the police – don’t engage and please please don’t feel bad, put yourself first, you are allowed to say no and leave it at that x

[jsscollie]

You’ve done it once, please believe you can do it again. Keep posting and know we’re all behind you x

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