Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Thinking of everyone and wishing you peace today and in 2018.

Jupiter XX

[Jupiter]

Hi Copperflame
I have just read your post and really feel for you.I agree with the others that you need to distance yourself from this person who is not a healthy or true friend.You are working hard to overcome your experiences and you do not need her pulling you down and abusing you.We are all used to male abusers and dealing with them, forgetting that others can ill treat us too.It sounds as if you need to keep her out of your life.The biggest red flag here is that you say this woman is making you ill.This is serious and tells you that the contact is toxic.I understand from my own life it is not easy to end a friendship but carrying on is harder when stress drags you down and this friend will probably not change her abusive ways.I am sure that you will feel better without this terrible burden once your decision has been made.I hope you have a support person so that you will not be alone when you make this change which will strengthen your healing process.
A little book which helped me a lot is:Divorcing A Narcissist-Rebuilding after The Storm by Tina swithin. Applies to people other than male partners and is well written for abuse survivors.
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Sunshinerainflower

Thank you for your good advice which has helped me a lot. i thought I was losing my mind especially ,as you say,when you are used to helping others.I am educated to uni level but we are still capable of being hurt like anyone. The label is just one more negative out of many over a lifetime and I think it has pushed a lot of buttons,sending me into a panic.I would liken it almost to character assassination.
My problem is that this man is the director of a mainly male organisation with people who have ptsd and this is the
connection. He has the same condition and is a trauma counsellor.He is driving a long way to be at a home assessment and I do not want a repeat conversation.He even told the assessor that he is the responsible adult for me!! News to me. I can relate exactly about uncomfortable feelings being placed in the wrong role as a participant like your activity.This happens to me too and it feels as if you have been thrown into the wrong life script–a horrible feeling of alienation and role reversal.I even googled vulnerable adult and it stated that the person is a child in an
adult’s body etc unable to manage own life.We do not fit that definition at all.Certainly we are vulnerable in a
normal way after trauma–this is to be expected-as you say we are human and respond as such.
If we had supportive relatives maybe we would not need outside support but being aware and assertive goes a long way as survivors.
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Cupcakes

I am sure it is possible for you to get legal aid for this if you are on a low income.Can you contact your local cab for advice as they can give lots of info about your situation.Also can you phone or e mail womens aid as they can support you through this? You dont have to struggle alone-these people are there to assist you. It sounds as if your partner is using threats to bully and frighten you when you are down.Maybe he is the guilty one who has bad behaviour and projecting this on to you because he has no cause for complaint.Abusers love to use these tactics but you do not have to put up with more abuse.Stay on the forum for support.Once you take that step and contact the CAB or womens aid you will feel less anxious because you have others who are rooting for you.Probably womens aid can do a lot more for your situation by way of help re domestic abuse and also advice about money,legal aid etc.You do not deserve to be bullied and abused so please seek out some support for yourself.If you cant ring WA you can message them on their website or e mail if you need the privacy.
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Ayanna

Please get help as soon as possible. Safety and support is the key to start a new life without abuse of any kind.

The refuge can supply all these things and more as it is a woman-only place where workers and other survivors

can really understand your issues.Please do not remain alone and at risk.We are thinking of you.
Jupiter xx

[Jupiter]

Hi Toshiba

So sorry you are in this situation–you need support as soon as possible and have made a good start by posting here.
I agree with all the women here that you can maybe e mail womens aid to share your trauma .Also when your children are in bed asleep you could maybe get a notebook or bit of paper and write some notes about your situation,keep them safe somewhere and then see the nurse or health visitor-or lady doctor-so you can show them your notes.That way it is easier to talk and you wont forget the main points.I hope you see someone soon so you get the help you deserve.
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

I have been absent for a couple of weeks and have missed this contact! Yes life is nothing without our freedom.

I remember -when my kids were small-a social worker telling me I still had myself despite the losses then.Now I understand the value of her words, her wisdom.
I read a sign in a shop recently which said:
The best things in life are not things. Women are strong and resilient and I think I saw in an article somewhere
that globally the female population is about 60% .Speaks volumes and we should be proud of our strengths.
Jupiter xx

[Jupiter]

Hi Godschild

Agree that is a nightmarish place to be in when you have abuse from a partner following childbirth, then you find you are surrounded by similar tactics from so -called family.
when my mother was in the house in post natal period,I realise now that lack of empathy blinded her to my needs in a vulnerable time.I had flu twice then as I was low and ex even had to tell her to look after me!? I recall her banging the carpet sweeper on the floor,saying in a martyr-like voice that she was’ only there to clean’.I was shocked.
Only recently I have been reading a book about narcissistic mothers and a red light went on in my head,realising that she ticked almost all the boxes for this personality.Apparently, it is possible to have more than one(like abusive ex)
in your life or family, as we have no other frame of reference.I know the insight is shocking but it actually starts to join all the dots re a network of people with deficits in empathy.However,there is no excuse for their horrible behaviour because they know what they do and we all have free will.We can learn how to defend and protect ourselves and this forum is a great way to do this.We are not alone as we once thought.Dr Judith Herman, who wrote Trauma and Recovery, informs us that we can not recover in isolation,that we need effective others to help us on our healing path.
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Sunshine

It can be difficult to trust people again after an abusive experience and many feel like this. Maybe a group is too demanding at the moment when you are trying to build your life again so can you maybe focus on the friends you describe as not dominating? You have said that there are one or two who are respectful in that they are not out to control the situation.When we deal with trauma we can feel overwhelmed with stressful events so you have the choice to take it easy with less demanding people and strike a balance between socialising and protecting yourself too.
Jupiter x

[Jupiter]

Yes abusers invade our healthy selves and cause ill health until our immune system kicks in to kick them out!
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Dear Kip and Serenity

Thank you for highlighting the misdiagnosis. Most health pros know nothing of trauma or DA but we ourselves probably didnt either back then when we had children.Women are very vulnerable during pregn,ancy and in post natal phase too,weakened by childbirth, isolation, exhaustion, childcare, then abuse.No wonder we become traumatised and our abuser turns the family against us too.
My ex threatened my life with a weapon when first baby was 3 months old-my mother showed no empathy re the danger and I was too scared to report it in case I lost my baby.When the next baby was born, I became depressed again but this time ex told me I was’ a selfish bitch’ and he would take the children away from me.During that pregnancy he tried to strangle me in front of our then toddler.Nothing happened to him and I was blamed for the discord.When they were small he literally did take them away.Women usually do carry the blame for abusive male behaviour because we are still not viewed with the same respect that men enjoy.I was called’ an unfit mother’ for being distressed but no such label exists for a man.Like others here, I feel grief for what could have been if I had been with a non abusive man.When we had first new baby, we had a second- hand car bought with money left to me by relative.Then one weekend, ex took off in car to his mother like a child.All abusive and other behaviours were overlooked in court
but my normal distress was treated as almost criminal.His cruelty was ignored as if I deserved it.With all ex’s support party I felt my mental state was faulty.Maybe this was gaslighting?
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Ayanna

I agree with the ladies here—you are not to blame as you are the innocent strong one.Remember the truth of STRONG.

We are all re building our lives to make a sturdy, robust and beautiful temple for ourselves and we can choose who we let in or keep out.We have the building blocks to make this architecture.However, our abusers are not like us:they lack the building materials, the insights and the emotional intelligence to do this.Abusers can only exist among their big pile of rubble.We are trainee architects looking to the future.
Jupiter x

[Jupiter]

Hi Serenity
Thank you for your heartfelt and passionate message–it is true what you say for many of us.Yes we can feel sad for the lost years due to abusive people and our own wounds but as you write we are adults now and this sets us free once we get the basic tools into our toolbox.Once we learn to defend our boundaries etc we respect ourselves which means others do too.I also think that support-the right kind-and learning about what happened to us, clears the fog we used to live in and didnt realise it. Have you heard of the book by Maya Angelou: I know why The Caged Bird Sings? This reminds me of all of us as surviving the imprisonment.I think there is a lovely poem of the same theme.This shows us that despite adversity, our spirit can be set free by courage and determination.Abusers lack these qualities and will remain trapped by their negativity.And we can dance or sing at any age! We can be trailblazers,setting a good example for generations to come….
Jupiter

[Jupiter]

Hi Ayanna

I read your post now and wanted to say I am sorry you had to live through all that pain.You did not get the love you deserved as a child.You can hold your head up high though as a strong survivor who fights back like a tigress.I know what it is like not to have been mothered and it is shocking to live with this knowledge but all we can do now as adults is learn to mother ourselves with self care and love.This is true healing and takes time to reach a place where we can do this caring automatically so that it is part of our daily life.
I lost a mother in an accident but years later I have found peace for both of us.After some reading I think she (detail removed by Moderator) which explains the lack of empathy and more.Would reading books about the topic help?
You know best what helps and what doesnt. Take care.
Hugs Jupiter xx

[Jupiter]

There is a lot to hate about abusers as you ladies have said but what really annoys me is the explanations given for their bad behaviour etc by professional people eg trauma from the past. I don’t buy it at all.
We have all survived terrible trauma but we do not go about our lives tormenting others as abusers do. We have free
will and choose what we do from day to day-moment to moment.Maybe abusive people should attend compulsory therapy
programmes to teach them respect and insight into their abusive ways.After all,many articles on the subject inform us that abusers lack some awareness about what is going on inside their heads and this is why they use projection so much.I even read that this kind of abuse is an epidemic! You would think that if a person can learn to abuse that they could un-learn it too?Or maybe they enjoy the power too much to change? Their minds must be like sewers.
Jupiter x

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