Midnight Marbles

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Oh Cuppa – you’ve been through the mill and come out the other end, you inspire me and give me hope that one day I’ll get there. Everything you’ve said rings bells and stirs memories. I hope you gain happiness you truly deserve it xx

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White Rose-mine often pretends he’s asleep, he’s unaware of you watching him or that you don’t know what he’s doing then pretend surprise, waking up or that I just interrupted, all for effect I think.

Cuppa – I’ve read a lot, it all makes complete sense but there’s the doubt I’m just being sensitive or grumpy.

Suntree – Thankyou so much for posting, everything you’ve written is what my life has been so far, I so desperately want to get away then he starts being nice again! He’s realised I’m getting stronger, back at work after a spell of anxiety, I’ve had the ‘woe is me’ act for a week but last night was bordering on angry, tonight he’s sent my grown up daughter to (detail removed by moderator) I’ve not complied so he’s talking to him self as if I can’t hear him about how ungrateful I am, how he tries to keep me happy etc. I just want to scream that I want out! Why can’t I just do that, why do I sit like a kitten shaking and feeling sick.

I’m scared, scared of plunging in an anxiety pit so deep I won’t get out! How did you manage when you left, you say it got worse for awhile. I’ve just thought that if we didn’t live together I would never chose to visit so why live together now.

Sorry I know it’s a long post but it helps to get it out.

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Thankyou for your kind words. It helps to know this isn’t normal behaviour. I know I need to do something about it, but also know he will be like this for weeks then be ok for a couple of weeks which totally confuses me. I know its a cycle but I can’t seem to do anything about it.

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Good idea, funny how when you read posts you have to check its not what you’ve written because the man is the one your living with!

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Oh dear, mine has done this for years! I thought it was me being a grump, not finding it funny.

He’d punch me so hard on the upper arm, in play, he’d leave bruises. My boss once asked me if he’d been hitting me! I excused it at the time as it was done in fun… I thought.

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Thank you confused, I do feel trapped your right. I am also struggling admitting to myself that I’m in a bad relationship, I know that if I do then I have to do something about it and that’s so frightening in case I make the wrong decisions.

I’ve never been on my own, I’ve been in this marriage for almost (detail removed by moderator) years! I know no different, so this could all be normal and I’d have nothing to compare it with. It could all me being over sensitive. I’m sure it’s not but this goes through my mind over and over.

Writing it down really helps, putting it here means nobody who knows me will ever find it.

Thankyou for listening and your support.

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Sorry

You have respect for yourself and others.

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My husband is awful!!
He showers once a week, cleans his teeth then changes his socks and boxers! He works in a manual job and gets sweaty and smelly. He never washes his hands when he’s been to the loo. He complains when he makes me a cup of tea in a dirty mug and I don’t drink it.

I now tell him he smells and he called me a stuck up bitch.

Although I think he’s like this because he can’t be bother, why should he, he thinks. His teeth are horrid and brown, he doesn’t care. He also uses the ‘only dirty people wash’ line.

So no your not shallow, just have respect for yourself and others😃

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Hi, I’m so glad you all shared this subject, for decades of years I thought there was something very wrong with me, to the point of physical sickness afterwards!!! All the names, groping everything!!! Are they all do similar?

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Hi Moon

I am late forties now and have suffered domestic abuse since I was a teenager with the same man, nobody helped me, I didn’t tell anyone but people saw lots of his aggressive and verbal abuse and knew about the financial abuse. I was terrified of him and have been treated for major anxiety for years, with what I thought there was no reason for.

In the last couple of months I have realised with the help of a counsellor and these amazing ladies, its not me wanting far to much from a relationship, but him being abusive. I am so sad and angry I’ve wasted years on him.

I tell you this because I care for you and don’t want the same for you, and your abuse is so much worse. If I could write a letter to my younger self I would say “run run run, stop worrying about anybodys feelings and just walk out, even if it’s just with the clothes on your back and your child in your arms, go!!! The rest will sort itself out. This will never get any better ever and you will come back to this time and time again”

I so wish someone had taken me to one side and said, this is really bad treatment, you are so right to get out, leave him I’ll help you.

So sorry Moon, this is so hard for you but I really feel your in such danger now and in the future.

I really hope this doesn’t upset you. I really don’t want too but maybe that’s what others thought about me.

Stay safe as you can

Midnight xx

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Hi Moon

You are definitely doing the right thing. Somebody told me you don’t have to be 150% certain, it’s helped me realise that I am going to have massive doubts but that’s ok.

I hope you get out soon and safe.

MidnightMarbles XX

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I am over the moon for you!

Your fabulous and really brave. Just three little words and one foot in front of the other and everything else will follow.

Love Midnight xx

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Oh no, I hope it wasn’t to much.

I know when your low it takes time and well meaning people go on about what to do, sometimes I just let it wash over me and cry, that can help. If that’s all you want to do right now, that’s ok too.

I really feel for you and hope you’ll feel better soon.

Xxx

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Hi White Rose

I so agree with falling sky, once your antidepressants start to work everything will become easier and mental health is just the same as physical health, just not as talked about. I’ve been on them for years and I’ve come to the conclusion that if I was diabetic I would be irresponsibility not to take meds.

As to friends, we all have such busy lives that I very rarely make the first contact. If I think about it though I always feel as though friends will not want to talk or see me. So I’m always grateful for the friends that contact me first. Keep contacting friends, keep involved as much as you can, the more contact you make, the more you become included.

As falling sky said sod New year’s eve. An evening where you HAVE to be happy when your shattered and everyone just waiting for 12.

Why not try and make a good new year start, maybe a healthy meal, lots of fresh water and curl up with your daughter or a really good blow out with any leftover treats to prepare you for a healthy start on the first.
I walk with the ramblers, if your daughter is old enough why not join them, details are on the website. All groups are very welcoming and usually have a good laugh. Scary I know but well worth the effort if you can manage it.

Look after yourself, I find lots of rest helps, if you can sit still long enough.

I really hope you feel better soon, as you know it takes time.

Sending a great big hug to you xxx

Ps hope I’m helping and not hindering.

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Hi FS

Your situation sounds so familiar, I’m allowed in the kitchen but only if he can sit and criticise me all the time, but when he does anything I’m made to feel as though I never cook. He moans constantly about how the kids have glasses to drink from.

Hope your Christmas is safe, happy and you get to relax a little.

MM xx

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Hi ladies,

Thank you so much for your replies, the more I hear that his behaviour is abusive, the stronger I feel.

Falling Sky I hope your OK and he’s leaving you alone, I can’t imagine having to live with him after he knew it was all over, you are so brave. I also keep out of the way as much as I can, seeing friends, shopping and I walk with the ramblers (this helps anxiety and lifts my mood) it also keeps me out most of the day! Unfortunately he’s home most of the time, only does work for a few hours a week if at all!

We have a house as well and I’m thinking that if I can manage to squirrel away some money I could just walk out and rent, that would leave him with very little money and I don’t think he would pay the bills or mortgage, not sure if I could just leave him with nothing. I need to speak to citizens advice I think.

Daisy thank you for support, you have explained my feeling brilliantly and validated them. It’s so hard after decades of this to know what’s acceptable. Have made more contact with friends, I’m starting to see some lovely relationships between couples and want that for myself in the future but feel as though I’m asking for the stars, but as the saying goes ‘ is the grass greener on the other side’?

Thanks again MidnightMarbles

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Hi Moon, I’m just sending you a great big soft hug that might help. Please just take one baby step at a time but please speak to the dv help line. Just give yourself half an hour of constant ringing and you should get through. Just say those words, get me out! Three little words that will change yours and your daughters life for the better.

Thinking of you and hope you are ok. Midnightmarbles xx

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Hi TBF

It does take a long time to get through. I just sat and rang constantly until I got through. About 20 mins I kept trying. It’s well worth it when you get through, just keep trying.

Good luck xx

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Hi falling sky

If it helps my memory is dreadful and everyone tells me it is, I think because of so many issues my brain can’t manage it all and I am so often distracted.

That said I’m usually aware of some things and you know your boy best. One of mine I’m sure would join in with dad, the other I know wouldn’t.

How about writing down the main points of conversations you have with him to give yourself something concrete to check.

Dig a little deeper if possible, when did you tell me? What were we doing? OR just ignore it if you think his dad is behind it.

Hope that helps a little, so confusing!

MidnightMarbles x

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Thank you Sky,

That sounds like a punishment for daring to ask for a quote but he has to live with it too. Are you still with him?

I only realised recently after a councillor spoke to me about abuse, I thought it could possibly have been years ago as he was real nasty and would break things, punch walls, throw things, the usual stuff….

After reading and a few posts on here I have come to see lots of different behaviours he still has are abusive.

I still jump if I hear a loud bang downstairs and rush to see what it was! Worried I’ve spent to much time getting ready and he’s starting…..

When we’re out shopping I can tell straight away if someone else is near, he starts showing off and making funny comments at my expense to get a laugh, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. Also I have to behave and let him have his own way or he will cause a scene, throwing items into the trolley or back on the shelves, using a really loud voice and bad language.

I don’t agree with much he says and it so hard because most of what he says is horrible, I have to agree and make conversation about it or he has a shout.

I have this strange way of wishing he’d spend more time with me but it’s horrible most times he does, but in my head it’s going to be lovely, deluded or what?

Thanks for listening, putting it down like this and then reading it back makes me realise what’s happening.

Midnightmarbles x

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Hi Karmasister,
I’m not in refuge but wanted to ask what it’s like and you are fab coping the way you do.

Hope your OK

MidnightMarbles xx

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Hi doglover

I’m so sorry to hear about your son not wanting to go to school, he sounds as if he is very sad and living day to day as you said. There is nothing more frustrating trying to get any teenager up in the morning and you must feel 10fold of this. One of the children in my class had issues of DV at home and they couldn’t concentrate long enough to write a sentence. When taken away from this they were a changed child, concentrating, learning and wanting to please.

Your situation sounds very difficult and you say that after Christmas your going to look for new housing, is Christmas going to be that good in this situation.

Maybe it’s time to make the break, go into refuge and have a quiet Christmas with your son. You mention your dog and how you will lose him, there is a foster service for dogs when ladies leave dv, I think it’s done through the rspca. I am sure the dog would also be happier out of this awful situation.

I’m really no expert and its so hard to do, but as someone on the DV helpline said to me “don’t listen to your heart, listen to your head, just about leaving, nothing else.

I know how hard it is, I’m still here but not as bad as it was, days I want to go other days it seems OK.

Hope your OK and your son has tried school a little, maybe he could try making a gradual introduction to school or just going in a bit later than the other kids. I know you’ve probably tried it all, but I hope it helps.

Keep posting

MidnightMarbles xx

I find a good fast walk helps if you can manage it.

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Oh you are so right.

I have seen a therapist twice now and that’s where all this has come to light, the first session he asked me if I had seen anyone about the domestic abuse! I know he had treated me badly but couldn’t put a name to it, this felt like a punch in the chest. I have not told husband anything about this, been there so many times and it makes no difference, just loud abuse.

My therapist is ill at the moment so I am on my own with it. I am reading why does he do that? And I can think of an example for most of the behaviours in the book but still can’t accept that leaving would be the best idea. I go from wanting out now, like you said very very scary, to thinking just get on and everything will be ok. OK!!!

Yesterday I went and enquired about renting a house, that was interesting. I won’t leave I’ll just keep on being OK.

I also lie about spending. My husband (detail removed by moderator)and that is his obsession, I have been second best to a bunch of birds!!!! Holidays on my own with 3 children,family events on my own, driving kids about while he’s on the garden. Alone all of the time very lonely, lonely for the man I’d like him to be but he never will be. When at home he’s always there though, watching and criticizing.

Sorry for the rant!!

MidnightMarbles xx

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Thank you Lisa

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Hi Wandering Cloud,

My husband used to do this 29 years ago, I worked full time and earnt a good wage, he couldn’t hold a job down so I was often the bread winner having to justify every penny I spent, even petrol and very much need clothes.

I had to threaten to leave and tell him I wasn’t going to tell him how much I had spent, this was horrific at the time, lots of his screaming at me and throwing things, sulking and pity me sessions, really hard to stay strong but it worked to certain degree.

However 29 years later I still carrying the emotional scars, I spend what I want but am always weary of letting on what and how much things are, although he knows not to say much it is still there, a look or a tut.

He still can’t hold a job down, so he does a few days when someone rings, he will only work about 5 hours and says that’s all he can manage, not a lot of money around, I still work full time and keep my opinions to myself because it wouldn’t do any good.

I tell you all this because what he’s doing will not get better, if anything it will lead to all areas of your life, I have to fight every day to keep a lid on his emotional abuse, on top it all looks fine, underlying tension is a different matter, it’s exhausting.

Hope I have said the right things to you and not gone on to much about my own situation. I would still love to leave but can’t, no idea of if I will but wish I had at that time.

MidnightMarbles xx

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Hi Polly,

I’m new to this too, speaking from still being in a relationship and struggling to leave. Your bravery is fab, try not to let one night spoil everything you’ve achieved so far (very very difficult I know)

As said by Amethyst, going with no contact would be the best thing. What these men do to our minds is twisted and makes you feel good to be with them but maybe write all the horrible things that have happened so you can remind yourself if your tempted.

Please don’t feel daft, I can’t even leave so youve definitely come a long way, just a little detour on your journey to recovery.

MidnightMarbles xx

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