minimeerkat

[minimeerkat]

one of the most important things i have learnt (i am having trauma counselling) is that no matter how big or small or what anyone else thinks – its how something makes you yourself feel that matters.  and usually our body lets us know (our reaction) when we havent felt ‘safe’ (emotionally/physically)

you have obviously very suddenly seen a look & behaviour from someone you have loved & trusted so it is only natural that this shocked you – it wasnt something you ever expected.  when helping your partner what you did wasnt intentional at all so his reaction was not ok x

[minimeerkat]

having all these cravings & thoughts about an ex partner are to be expected especially if they were abusive – it actually shows just how toxic the relationship was.  you will be quite desperate for the way your abuser made you feel ‘better’ after the bad times which was probably very much part of the cycle you were in.  the only thing that can sometimes help here is to see the ‘good’ times as part of the abuse – it was someone who decided to be ‘loving’ when they needed to be for whatever reason at the time.  so that you dont confuse this with them being a good person who just abused you sometimes.  if you read as much as you can about trauma bonds it can help a lot as you will completely understand why you are feeling the way you are at the moment

and i think many worry that their abuser will be ‘wonderful’ to someone else but maybe this could be down to you feeling guilty & responsible for how your ex partner treated you – because while feeling it was all your fault it makes you think you are able to ‘control’ something (eg. if you had been better then maybe he wouldnt have behaved the way he did).  but even if you had been perfect you would have still been abused because it was your ex partners choice to treat you badly.  would it help to have it all written down so that you can see the truth about what really happened during the relationship – to see how unreasonable & unacceptable a lot of the abuse was

yes it absolutely does get easier with time although its only natural to feel that you will ‘never be ok again’ in the very early days. so just stay as strong as you can while you experience these very normal feelings & emotions – i do hope you are being supported as its is so important you have this right now

[minimeerkat]

i hope its ok to respond even though i was able to remain in the property shared for decades but want you to know that i do believe you are heading in the right direction.  i feel differently to you as there is nothing but but triggers within these walls – dont get me wrong like all abusive relationships there were ‘good’ times (i also felt like this person was my best friend). but after learning all i have i no longer see them as good times as they were the reason i ended up so deeply trauma bonded to a toxic individual – they were actually part of the abuse.  so ‘it wasnt a good person with some bad behaviour but a bad person with some good behaviour’

with you feeling the way you do this move could actually help you by removing all those ‘good’ memories that surround you because it could be these that are keeping you a bit ‘stuck’ – any trauma bond could still exist just by you recalling these good times.  and one of the biggest reasons we can have difficulty ‘forgetting’ our ex partners is only because of how strongly we believed we felt for them & how we thought they were our soulmates – it may have felt like we would never experience such an amazing relationship ever again.  but this was only because of the abuse involved causing such incredible highs & devastating lows making our emotions seem so much more powerful thats all

moving on this way is naturally going to cause anxiety because it will all be new & unfamiliar – but exciting too.  and there will be grief as well because you will be leaving behind the place you called ‘home’ – you will be mourning the life there that you had wanted with a person you thought you knew.  but if you & your children are happier now that is the most important thing so it really wont matter where you end up living – and you can slowly start making new memories in your new home where you are all free to be your true selves

[minimeerkat]

dont know if this helps at all but my understanding is that we dont actually crave the person but are actually addicted to the feelings we experience – because their abuse causes us to produce all kinds of hormones.  when they are abusive we will be producing stuff  like adrenaline & cortisol but when they are ‘nice’ we experience the effects of say dopamine & oxytocin.  this cycle of fluctuating hormones leaves us feeling like a drug addict ourselves.  we end up being quite desperate to be with them so that we feel better – when what we are actually craving is the dopamine hit.  realising this can help so very much towards breaking this toxic bond

[minimeerkat]

it helped me such a lot once i started talking to my trauma counseller because somehow the body starts to actually respond to this person being safe – just hearing their voice can be enough to calm you.  also anything that helps to calm your nervous system – just things like breathing exercises & also ones to stimulate your vagus nerve.  and if theres anything you enjoy doing that helps relax you this could at least give your mind a break from the constant anxiety.  our sleep is so important so it can be a difficult time but once you slowly begin to feel safer which will then calm your nervous system you will start to see quite an improvement. i do hope you receive the help & support you need very soon x

[minimeerkat]

it wouldnt be fair to say people cannot change but when their behaviours are deeply ingrained it could take a very long time to see any changes – and even then its whether these changes are then enough.  the person could need a lot of professional help to make these changes & then perhaps improve in some ways but possibly only for a certain period of time.  they do not usually recommend counselling as a couple for this type of thing & thats only because of the risk of a counseller being manipulated by the person – meaning theres then the risk of you ending up feeling responsible for your partners behaviour towards you.  when you mention that your partner does not actually acknowledge how she is treating you it could make things much more difficult – as i have learnt myself that someone has to actually want to be a better person.  they actually have to want to get help – but this means they have to acknowledge any behaviour that is damaging the relationship

its quite common for a partner once ‘threatened’ with something like divorce to want to hang on to the relationship.  but a big question is whether you feel within your heart that you could trust this person again in the future – even if you witness any changes .  its a decision only you can make & understandable that thoughts of trying everything will be on your mind.  so even if you do agree to the counselling just be aware of what might happen during this & try not to let anything make you doubt yourself

[minimeerkat]

this is a lot – no wonder you are feeling exhausted.  it sounds as if your partner is insisting on having such extremely high & rigid standards in order to control his home environment.  its ok if he wishes to maintain these himself but i dont think it is fair at all to expect someone else to live this way because its not really possible – it just ends up causing others so much stress & anxiety.  and i also think its wrong to then criticise you which will naturally make you feel you are failing & arent good enough.  its ok if your partner wants to put this much pressure upon himself to achieve these standards but you are a separate person & are therefore finding it too difficult trying to be exactly like him – it isnt right to expect so much from you.  you can understand & appreciate your partners need for ‘perfection’ but you yourself can only do your best to ‘help’ with this which you do. but when someones need for control starts to cause others anxiety & affect their self worth its maybe time it was addressed so that you are more able to be yourself & relax more

[minimeerkat]

this isnt to alarm you but gives an honest answer to your question – which then helps increase your awareness & knowledge.  but yes this can happen even after decades (personal experience) & usually begins with acts such as throwing things.  because an abusive partner may have been able to control you in a certain way for so long & then perhaps something happens to ‘threaten’ that control they have had over you – just things like you standing up for yourself or questioning them or not doing something they have asked you to do.  then any kind of physical acts shown can therefore be a warning from them that you are stepping out of line.  only you know how out of character this might have been & whether you felt your partner was genuinely remorseful – you will then feel more convinced this was definitely a one off .  if though this behaviour has deep down felt unsettling in any way your gut feelings from now on will hopefully be your guide & help keep you safe

there is always the live chat on this site if you felt talking to someone would help you more x

 

[minimeerkat]

given the chance do you think it would soon include something like asking you to iron a shirt for him ready to wear on the next date!  bless your heart everything you are feeling & thinking is completely understandable – so i really hope a replacement carer can be sorted out asap x

[minimeerkat]

if necessary (if others do end up being fooled into believing any lies & distortions) then you continue as normal being your usual fabulous self – you hold your head up high.  let your quiet dignity & your integrity say everything for you – allowing enough time pass for the truth to actually show itself x

[minimeerkat]

sending such a kind warm big hug your way – you havent let yourself down.  you tolerate so much.  you always do your very best.  i am so sorry your partner has upset you with his response to your gift – i also experienced this so know exactly how you would have felt.  you are not who your partner says you are – and you are not the problem.  stay as safe as you can.  thinking of you x

[minimeerkat]

some ex partners like this actually manage to ensure their ‘side of the story’ is out there even prior to any break up so you were lucky to have found such a wonderful support network when it was desperately needed.  so what is now happening will be making you feel very unsettled – its possible your ex partner wasnt impressed to find that you were doing just fine without him so his reaction to this has been to start a smear campaign.  which is going to be a time when you really do find out who you true friends really are.  we will naturally want to defend ourselves & ensure the truth is known but doing this sadly makes us appear to be the person an ex partner is portraying so staying silent is usually the best thing to do.  if they really are your friends they will not wish to be involved with someone who is clearly attempting to smear you.  and i know it would be wrong to try dictating who our friends mix with but when abuse is involved staying ‘safe’ is our priority – and that normally means having no contact with anyone connected to our ex partners in any way shape or form

you are right not to want to get involved in any drama this may cause as it is probably exactly what your ex partner is hoping for. so maybe just wait & see at the moment who prove to be your real friends – i hope with all my heart that most of them are loyal to you.  stay strong

i read somewhere once & have said it before ‘there are no two sides to the story when it comes to abuse – there is only the truth’ x

[minimeerkat]

its good that discussing this with evenserpentsshine on the forum has helped you. so hope its ok to now tell you that in the past a non-abusive partner opened up about their own ‘trauma’ & sadly the relationship was never the same – its very possible that this would not have affected someone else but we are all different/individual.  and because of this i believe you can never guarantee the reaction

[minimeerkat]

i forgot to mention in my response to your previous post that there is always the live chat on this site as well if you felt able to try this

[minimeerkat]

are you getting support from your local da service & have you considered counselling because these are the very people who will understand exactly how you are feeling at the moment.  because its so difficult for others to ‘cope’ with what we have experienced – they may mean well but unfortunately can do more harm than good with their responses.  you are naturally suffering from what you have been through so will be quite vulnerable at the moment so wondered if you had thought about contacting your gp – to make them aware of how difficult you are finding it all.  i know everyones different & some people find immersing themselves in their work etc help them at times like this but others can find it isnt something they can cope with at all. so try to make yourself & your needs a priority doing only what feels right for your mental health x

[minimeerkat]

because of my own situation & isolation it can almost feel as if these lovely people in your life are like a ‘friend’ or even ‘family’ so i completely understand how ‘attached’ you can end up feeling.  its so normal to feel sadness at this loss but it does make some room now for others to enter your life who will hopefully show similar warmth kindness & understanding you still deserve.  just give it some time & always remember its ok to reach out if you felt you would benefit from some support in the future x

[minimeerkat]

marmalade has given you such a good response & pointed out some really important things to consider. it is such a big thing to commit to when you are having doubts – if these doubts occur when you are not with this person is it anything to do with trust & has he ever given you reason not to trust him.  if you needed much more time to commit to this move but both felt the relationship was worth holding on to then surely your partner would completely understand & respect this – it wouldnt mean you had to sever ties unless you were somehow given an ultimatum which would then tell you everything you needed to know.  an abusive partner can intentionally want to separate you/move you away from any support network you may have so please take as much time as you need to know 100% if this would be a safe decision to make

[minimeerkat]

if we lose that fear of being alone knowing that we will still be ok we are then able to see truths – instead of desperately trying to tolerate bad behaviour from someone.  we are able to answer our own questions do i trust this person, is there respect & do i feel ‘safe’ – and if not then hopefully we will want to slowly find a way to feel at peace once again x

[minimeerkat]

trying to pretend you are ‘ok’ when youre not is one of the hardest things to do – and it takes such a lot out of you too. in your work environment or with anyone you dont feel safe enough to open up to hopefully just a brief explanation of  ‘youve experienced domestic abuse within your marriage but that you have the right support’ should be enough to say that youre actually not ok – without going into any detail at all.  people will then at least be aware of this which should help you feel you dont have to put on a front

ive found it the most painful when risking speaking to others who i actually thought would understand 100% & who would therefore appreciate just how vulnerable i still was.  so the safest people to talk to in my experience is your local da service or a counseller – even though i think most of us have desperately wanted to shout it from the rooftops

i know because you have lost trust in your partner its natural that you are now deeply concerned about the contact he will have with your children in the future.  and that 50/50 parenting is both an upsetting & worrying thought right now – but the truth is you dont really know what will actually happen.  this could have been said to ‘punish’ you in some way & therefore when it came to it things could be different.  also even if your partner was granted this who knows how long this arrangement would actually suit him in reality.  theres how your children feel about this themselves as well.  but whatever happens you can ensure that your children are encouraged to be open & voice any of their feelings about time spent with their father which will hopefully help to put your mind at rest – and if there ever were any concerns there will be people you can get in touch with about this

[minimeerkat]

are you sure it would upset or offend them if you were honest – saying something like you know he is everything theyre say he is & thats why you had to get yourself & the children away from him. but that the truth is its just far too painful for you to talk or hear anything about him yet & that all you want to do for now is focus on trying to cope with everything you need to do each & every day.  you can ensure they know just how much their support means to you but that youre still a bit in shock & theres obviously still such a lot to process – its just youre not ready to deal with the enormity of it all at the moment

 

[minimeerkat]

this is really really hard – you can actually reach a point when you are almost forced to accept this painful reality because of the mental exhaustion it causes.  around & around you go – no wonder you feel like you are going crazy.  its human nature to want someone to accept responsibility hold their hand up & admit to hurtful behaviour – we even want them to apologise.  so the very last thing we expect is to instead be blamed for everything – and as you are seeing yourself even trying to make you feel guilty for not loving him enough (or you can even have a sorry i am not good enough for you).  saying things like this takes all the attention away from him (& his behaviour) & then makes you the problem (for not being forgiving enough)

while you are still hoping for the impossible all it does is keep you hurting – you can feel angry frustrated & upset.  it really can end up exhausting you because its fruitless – its accepting that there are human beings in this world who do not have a conscience & who feel entitled to behave the way they do.  so having these expectations of anyone so opposite of who we are only causes us more prolonged suffering.  hold onto the truth as this can give you such strength x

[minimeerkat]

you have nothing to feel bad about at all – you are certainly not a failure.  these relationships can be addictive & confusing – it can take many attempts for some to break free for good so what you are experiencing is very normal.  i can only say from personal experience that when you really see the truth of who someone is & the reality of their behaviour it can help you to finally say enough.  its realizing just how severely youve been manipulated – into believing how much they ‘love’ you & its all your fault.  and accepting that this person will never change no matter how many promises they make to do so

when you suddenly see that you are not responsible for the way this person treats you & know in your heart that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect – something changes in you.  but this can only happen when you are ready.  and its ok if it takes more time.  sometimes something can be said or done that is enough to make us feel we really do need to put ourselves first protect our mental health & find peace x

[minimeerkat]

oh bless your heart this must be so stressful for you – are you in contact with your local da service at all.  i wonder if they are able to help with anything at all – especially by recommending a solicitor.  i suppose you have tried any & every solicitor possible to see if you could have an emergency initial appointment.  its such a shame that the rightsofwomen are only open such a few hours as it is always good to keep trying.  are you absolutely sure you only have (timeframe removed by Moderator) to respond – i have no idea whether this is true or not its just it sounds so very unreasonable as it hardly gives you any time at all to make contact with who you need to

i really hope someone (even lisa) sees your post & can offer the correct advice.  and it doesnt surprise me to hear that your partner wishes to control you & is trying dictate exactly how this goes – it must feel extremely unsettling for you.  stay strong wont you x

[minimeerkat]

yes you could say that you valued honesty in a relationship because any reaction to this could then tell you everything you need to know.  it is just quite sad to think that you are even having to stress the importance of this x

[minimeerkat]

its ok to feel this way – there are going to be many different even conflicting emotions.  the guilt could be because you somehow felt responsible for any abuse or were even manipulated into believing it was always your fault. or you could be thinking of the nice version of your partner that you saw in the early days – even seeing the nice version at times alongside the abuse.  so i dont know if it will help you to write down everything that was said & done to cause you pain during the relationship as this could then show the actual truth of how your partner behaved towards you – and that if anyone should be feeling guilty it is him

there are also the trauma bonds that develop within abusive relationships which for example can cause you to crave the very person who has hurt you – and if so when you read about how these bonds are formed it can help you understand a lot of what you may be feeling at the moment.  are you in touch with your local da service because it can  help so much to have contact with people who understand & can support you.  you are right you are better of without this person in your life – hopefully in time with the right support any guilt & confusion will become less.  and you will eventually feel confident that you got rid of the bad to make room for the good x

[minimeerkat]

an abusive partner will normally encourage you to become dependent upon them so when we have our physical limitations it does become just that bit more challenging to break free from any control – but it can be done.  i think its when we reach a point when the fear of our mental health deteriorating is stronger than the fear of coping on our own x

[minimeerkat]

it makes sense that you are not seeing the person he was in the early days as usually they show enough of the good stuff initially to convince us they are someone we want to be with.  and i hope you can see that everything your partner says or does to upset you is completely disregarded once you react to it – because our reactions then become the problem.  any hurtful behaviour says everything about your partner – its quite possible its a projection of his own faults onto you. i think you do have your pride & self respect because in your heart you know the way your partner treats you is unacceptable – making you at times stand up for or defend yourself.  and you are not weak – its just that you have been worn down for such a long time now & probably feel mentally/emotionally exhausted.  but your inner strength is still there & it will continue helping you get through this x

[minimeerkat]

we cannot always expect people to understand our pain but still hope they will respect our wishes.  but it looks as if you have no choice but to just try protecting yourself in whatever way possible – you suddenly remembered you had to do this or go there etc.  and when you do find yourself having to listen to things you dont want to then all you can do is allow any words to wash over you – trying not to absorb any of it.  stay as detached as you can.  and if you feel this person is genuinely trying to be ‘protective’ just focus on your breathing to keep you feeling a bit calmer & help you cope.  remind yourself that the situation is only temporary too

[minimeerkat]

its so good that you were able to see why these comments were made – it can not only be frustrating but infuriating too.  when you let go of wanting your partner to accept responsibility & to stop blaming you it will bring you some peace – to be able to tell yourself that it really doesnt matter is so helpful.  because it doesnt matter if your partner is refusing to admit truth & reality – thats up to him.  what matters is that you absolutely know the truth & nothing he says or does can take this away from you

yes its painful prior to reaching the point of letting go of wanting someone to do the right thing & its ok to feel this way.  but if there comes a time when you feel your mental health is suffering because of it this is when you know you need to pay much more attention to yourself – so instead of looking for your partner to take responsibility let it be enough that you know he is the only one responsible for behaving the way he did & that he was to blame x

[minimeerkat]

you did really well to go & hold your head up high but i can imagine how deeply uncomfortable it made you feel being ignored.  hopefully you can see though that this is a way of punishing you & wanting you to react – he will know exactly what this is doing to you.  it takes such strength not to play their game.  if you think about it if this person was sincere & cared about you he would not have caused you pain in the first place & certainly wouldnt have been nasty because you stood up for yourself – where was any apology.  its as if he feels entitled to say or do such hurtful things to you.  all this person seems to care about is being able to control & manipulate your feelings whenever he feels like it.  i hope you can stay strong nbumblebee because this person really isnt a safe reliable or genuine friend at all x

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