NeedANewMe

[NeedANewMe]

Hi I feel your pain, I have left not long ago have received messages which have left me heartbroken and feeling sorry for the nice guy I see in him, I cut contact and now i have spent nearly a whole week in bed crying feeling sick and anxious. I am missing the “nice” him very much and wanting to crawl back to him. I don’t even remember my old self I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel completely lost and have no sense of belonging all i am doing is driving myself insane thinking of him with someone else and how he said he’d change. I have watched him change is photo on FB through my friends account and through what’s app as he has that set to everyone.. All I am seeing is really nice attractive girls liking them and i am sitting here with him still in my head whilst his doing god knows what, but this guy less than a week ago sent me a messages saying he wants his life with me and I’m the love of his life, his life isn’t worth going on without me… xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @Gettingtired, It’s great that you have these feelings because you need to feel ready in yourself before you leave as you will find yourself back in it. I could leave and within a max of two weeks we would be back together. Then I would think if only i stayed away id be out of this now. This time i sold the house and was buying things for the new house being happy without him being around, going to my aunties and having time away from him, not texting as often and worrying about replying straightaway.. But anytime he’d go to leave my anxiety would kick in and stop him crying my eyes out struggling to breathe. But even with feeling better to leave this time you can’t prepare yourself for the emotional and mental struggle. I am dying to contact him, i really want to believe his changed, I desperately want to go back.

I also had the long speeches/text messages of how he feels most of the time when he was on lows, serious talks all the time which would be draining. We’d be fine and then comes out the blue with all these serious talks. If i went off to do something and he was doing something else in another room he would be like you neglect me you don’t love. We could be just sitting there and he’d say you don’t want me or love me….

Because you have become so attached to this person you think when you leave that will be it, but i still dont feel free, i feel like it is the worse mistake of my life, i feel guilty for doing all this behind his back, I wanna know what his doing, who his talking to, is he regretting the way he treated me. i

XX

[NeedANewMe]

@Rabbit123 I am in the same boat, I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) with ignoring him… I gave in and was talking to him for a bit, It is the first time he listened,recognised his faults and apologised. The things he was saying any girl would want to hear. I am trying to fight this but the withdrawal is getting worse. I am finding it hard to believe his like the men you hear about. How i keep away is another question. I must be the only one who knows my situation that thinks and believes he will change and because of this its keeping me away as I dont want to let them down but truthfully i want to go back

[NeedANewMe]

Hi GettingTired and KIP

Gettingtired – Your name is how i felt the last few months knowing every weekend would be draining as i knew something would be said that would cause an argument or a problem that really wasn’t needed. A pointless conversation… always have to go into these deep chats and conversations which escalate and then you feel pressured to just say what he wants to here.

Thank you both for your replies.

I was (detail removed by moderator) when i met him but I’ve now hit (detail removed by moderator)…. my (detail removed by moderator) was a write off and now i wish i was back in my 20’s where i feel like i’d have more time on my side. He tells me that i’ll end up wasting more years with other relationships or spend ages finding my next partner that i’ll be old when i have kids and my parents and family wont be around to see them grow up.

I have tried calling a centre where I now live today to see what support they can offer me, apparently there is a really long list for the programme.. I just can’t see an end to this, i am pining and caving him.. I miss him and forget about the bad things. I try to think of how I felt when I was with him, how I used to try and get out to fetch food all the time so I could phone a family member or a friend and rant everything out. I used to lie awake in bed till stupid hours of a morning whilst he was fast asleep thinking how to leave in my head how i can’t stand being around him with how he is with me how its draining and tiring repetitive to say the least.

I have started to read the Lundy book online.. my problem is i start to think hmm his not like this, he doesn’t do this and then i start to talk myself out of it. I can’t get out of my head someone else having him and him talking to others, what is he doing today. After all his said to me in the last couple of weeks I’ve allowed contact and his completely different recognising his faults and listening to me.. I did hold back on bringing up a few things but he brought them up instead. He has improved over the years with a few things i call insecurities but others would call controlling behaviour.

Honestly I hate decisions and choices… If it wasn’t for me reading these comments about him not changing or my auntie telling me he wouldn’t change I’d be contacting him now to see if he will change or will go get help.. the only thing holding me back is the doubt in my head in wont change from the comments I’ve heard..

I really hope you get out, I thought this time i was ready for it i’ll be fine but that wasn’t the case. I was ready physically for the new life just not ready emotionally or mentally to be without him. I think because i was occupied it was keeping me going now I have lost motivation and sitting here working it all out in my head, over thinking everything

xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi There,

Thank you for your reply. I have no idea how I did it to be honest you think it’s impressive but I feel like I’ve stooped to his level and been really shady and sneaky also lying. I did it by having paperwork going to another address, I was doing things when he was at work or nights I knew I had to myself. Most communication about the house was through email and the estate agents were fantastic. My (detail removed by moderator) which is why I moved as they used to be close, so when buying and looking for a house I would say I was (detail removed by moderator). I moved things around the house into different places if he never noticed I’d box it up and move it out. He also had (detail removed by moderator) pretty much all the time so stuff in the garden and garage I was able to do hoping he’d never look. It was stressful and trying to keep the piece and situation under control was hard. The last few months were intense, very draining constantly telling me he wasn’t happy wanted to leave, he’d never be the one to leave me so he’d stay in this relationship feeling like this. He’d threatened to pack his things up and I’d chase him as my anxiety would kick in. He has got angry a few time smashed things damaged things all I was worried about was the house that had been sold. But for some reason he seems to be acting completely different this time usually it’s new clothes Facebook profiles trying to build up his ego.. but this time I didn’t chase and go running, when he responded I ignored for a couple of weeks but then caved. But then I told him where I stood. For the first time he listened recognised his faults and apologised and wanted to be the better man. Said his mom had helped him to understand he should support me not walk away.. so this why I’m confused because his acting different.. can he change??? Because I’d love to be with this guy he was absolutely lovely when we met I was head over heels…

I have counsellor but that’s coming to an end, I have tried applying for the freedom programme in my new home town just a bit hard with lockdown. I have my aunties I call everyday to just get it off my chest.. my other family members are to black and white they just want me out and away. They think his an ass end of.. when I say I’m struggling it’s just forget about him new start new you get the old person back move forward. But seriously it’s like having withdrawal I’ve never not had contact with him. I really want to call I feel like the worse person ever. I broke down on the phone to my auntie this evening and she keeps saying I promise you he won’t change and tries to help go over the bad times…

Just seems like I keep getting idiots I had a hard time with being in a relationship for all of my younger years, wedding booked and then he cheated. I had a couple of years break and met this guy and now I’ve had a few years of this. I worry that time isn’t on my side my parents will be too old and won’t see my kids, I don’t want to start again I so badly just want a relationship and kids and marriage. I look at what my parents have and how long they’ve been together and my siblings whom have been with their partners since college age. Why me!!!! What do I do wrong? Why do lads take advantage? I think there is no way this lad would be able to pull the eyes over a confident outgoing bubbly girl.. they’d probably say on your bike do one mate.. where I was vulnerable and soft too nice for my own good?? Sorry I don’t mean to offend anyone here it’s just the worry and ideas that go through my head. His made me very paranoid of women with the constant cheating comments or the many options he has available I just feel worthless, why doesn’t he want me but then in another breathe he does want me life wouldn’t complete without me… but then what’s he doing now?? Realising that this time it’s over for good and I’m not going to chase? Panicking about no contact and not seeing me again? Panicking his lost me? Has it finally hit home? Xx

[NeedANewMe]

I read this and was so shocked that this reminds me so much of my story. SparkleJar this is me all over, I managed to sell my house and buy one hundreds of miles away and he still has no clue I’ve left.. the day was fast approaching and I used every excuse in the book that would normally cause an argument didn’t! I felt so stuck everything was moving the completion date was approaching and no trick in the book was working I just needed his stuff out the house, if it wasn’t for his things I would have just left without an explanation. When Boris announced a lockdown I said I need to stay with (detail removed by moderator) and he said well it’s our relationship or her and I said I need to stay with her.. he asked to collect get his things, was supposed to meet halfway and he ended up (detail removed by moderator), followed me in grab all his stuff had a moment with me and left… I drove off as though I was going back to my (detail removed by moderator), I waited a couple of hours and then spent every hour through the night to pack up the house. I worked around the clock and had everything packed up in 48hours stopping when I knew he’d be finishing work and hid the car.. I was on my way to my new home and (detail removed by moderator) after the split he messaged me.. I can’t tell you how terrible and guilty I felt and I still feel it now. I gave into his messages through various forms of communication a couple of weeks in he apologised listened recognised his faults and was saying everything I wanted him to in the few years we were together. I felt so guilty I was hiding this lie from him, he thinks I’m at my aunties and I’ve setup a new home. A week into texting and things being good He started asking me to call him then my anxiety started… he would go through stages I’ve been fine lovely talking about our future to blaming me and punishing me in his own way making me feel guilty saying he doesn’t know where he stands I won’t even talk to him he can’t do this anymore, it was draining on texts as we’d be going back and forth every day or every few hours.. he’d go depressed and low making me feel bad that his lonely. Honestly if I wasn’t living here and still at my aunties and had my home I would 1000% be back there now. A few days ago on one of his low moods again he said I have till tomorrow afternoon to call him otherwise I’ve made it clear how I feel. Said in a few months time you will see me happy with someone else and then you’d think I wish I had of phoned. But if I phoned then it would of been FaceTime and that’s impossible with my situation. The deadline didn’t happen he kept calling and calling I kept declining.. why won’t you call me answer please I need to talk to you I have no one to talk to I’m home alone I really need you I need to let out how I’m feeling. Then I had the suicide text with a photo of pills on a table… I switched my phone off and changed my number I’ve had no contact since. To say I’m struggling is an understatement I feel so guilty for my actions and for cutting contact when he sent me that image.. his posting things on social media which I’m asking a friend to keep an eye out and I’m seeing girls liking his posts or photos his started with the I feel worthless posts so people feel for him. This one girl has liked his photo and his post he’d liked a couple of hers and now my head is thinking all sorts that there talking and she’s a complete stranger.. just adds random girls! But she is very pretty and some of my features, I just feel worthless and ugly and feel like nothing to him even though last week when he was opening up to me he said I take you for granted and I shouldn’t your the love of my life I only want you, life isn’t worth living unless your in it.. now this. The new one is a music video of a song he used to sing to me… guess his put it up knowing I’ll be looking from someone else’s account because I’m not on any social media. I just don’t like the idea of him being with someone else.. it’s destroying me.

Keep going your somewhere safe that’s the first bit, but I’m the same as you I only wanted to say things through text as I really didn’t want to say it to him I couldn’t the words wouldn’t come out.. I just had to keep everything calm and under wraps until I had no choice because the d day came!

Xx

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you, it’s great to know you’ve made it out to.. it’s reassuring to here.. That’s what worries me once I go back it will just pick up again. But I am finding it so hard not to believe his words that his sorry for all the things his done. I keep getting long heart felt messages about our time together how he should of treated me different and not let his insecurities get the better of him, but I’ve taught him that he can let go and he thanks me for that. Now I’m getting texts about (detail removed by moderator).. I feel so much guilt for changing my number and having no contact because I think I have to message and be nice as I’m doing all this behind is back and I’m worse than him for doing that so I send the nice messages.. he has noticed as to why I’m not responding to his heartfelt messages.. like just I had a message saying (detail removed by moderator)…

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate. I haven’t phoned me, I keep using the excuse that i can’t talk because i am emotionally not ready to. He said he was happy to wait until i finished isolating with my (detail removed by moderator) but now his pushing for answers and whats going on. it is so hard as I know I am living a lie of where I am and what I am doing which makes me feel just as bad as him. I just can’t see why i dont have the balls to just block him now and leave it… I get worried he will find someone else and be happy and change where I am stuck here over thinking everything.

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I try so hard to think his just trying to get to you but the one part of me falls for his rubbish and I get petrified that I will loose him to someone else and eventually he will change.
He has gone back to the doctors I booked the appointment and they have put him back on tablets his waiting now for a call back for an assessment for counselling.

I have been having counselling for months and it’s helped me to get through the mortgage and through leaving but now I have no support. I start counselling in September which is specifically for domestic abuse so hoping they will help me more but it’s a long way to go until September.

I am out here alone with someone I met out here before and I just can’t switch off in restless and since him saying my email was a hard pill to swallow it’s made me more anxious because now I’m just waiting to know what he will say. Just don’t know how to deal with it how to stay away. I don’t feel like I can change my number or block him because I feel so guilty for putting his things on the porch to begin with… I just feel so lonely and afraid to fully let go. I was trying to cope with it since no contact when getting on the plane and I spent 3 days crying and struggling not to message but he had to just go and do it and then I find myself saying all sorts to him.

Why can’t he see what he does? Why can’t he see it as being wrong? I don’t know whether I am afraid to let go because I long for a long lasting relationship like my siblings and parents and my ex of (detail removed by moderator) years who I thought I’d be with for my life and was getting married to was having an affair whilst we was paying off the wedding. So I had no confidence and even little now xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

I can relate to this 100%.. you think you’ve made your mind up and its as if they know as the nice side comes out and you think sh** how do I get out now. The amount of times this has happened over recent months with the mortgage date approaching to allow me to take him off. I always call my aunt and tell her this will be hard now his being nice she always says its another of playing at you and controlling you, but it wont last. You know something she is right it last for a some period of time you get to your old bubbly self come out your shell and bang his reacted! then again you feel right im out of this then the nice side reappears it is just some vicious circle. I am trying to tell myself HE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE. I loved him so much I honestly thought when I first met him he was the one until the little things started coming out which I didn’t believe at first and was making up excuses for him. I am still like that in some ways but keep drilling into yourself he will never ever change.

Sex has also become hard for me as there is no connection or attraction there, how I can have sex with someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you one minute and the next is saying I love you, your my world I cant live without you. He is also very very attractive which makes it harder to leave but the attraction is disappearing due to his nasty side. I think I am scared to be alone and be independent again where as at the moment we do things every weekend and I have no social life even my family time is suffering as they don’t like what they see so wont talk to me as they find it hard to understand why I cant just walk.

Just remember it is a cycle, they go between playing 3 roles, prepotrator, victim and rescuer. There is also the cycle of abuse which is interesting to look at (detail removed by moderator)

He knows what he is doing he knows your changing and loosing feelings for him so his trying to up the anty. I still keep trying to tell myself this as my deadline day is approaching and I have no idea how to deal with it xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi DIYMUM
I have just looked up n**********c triangulation and I can say that he does compare me to his ex not as much now but does have a tendency to bring her up in arguments but more so the beginning and middle of the relationship where he was always comparing me to say she used to do this or she never did this for me. I booked a weekend away (detail removed by Moderator) which I found out he’d been to this destination with his ex… as soon as we pulled up at hotel and parked up he complained (detail removed by Moderator)… I felt like utter crap like she was always better and I was nothing.

Part of me really wants to go now and just leave a note but I feel like he just wont sign the papers for the house and then it will drag on for even longer and probably the end result through court and the last thing I want is this being dragged out for another year or so. I really don’t know how to plan giving him the paper to sign… I am petrified and everyday I am stressing out as its fast approaching now, at first I thought I would just get the anger and verbal abuse but now im worried violence will be involved due to recent experiences. I have tried (detail removed by Moderator) to bring the mortgage up and word it in such away that in order for us to buy a second house you’d be better off coming off it having no debts to your name and you can have the benefit of first time buyer so better rates… don’t think that is working either…. 🙁

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @Gettingtired,

I also opened up to my partner and told him what happened in my last relationship the whole story of being cheated on and how I didn’t trust or like women very much, I am weary of them. He then used this against me in different arguments. He would say no wonder why your ex cheated on you if you was like this with him, do you not think I have other options available to me, his been cheating on me… He used to wind me up and show him downloading dating apps onto his phone as he didn’t want me anymore wanted to find someone else.

xxxx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi KIP, yes a family member used Claire’s law when they were a little concerned. There was something on there yes it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was but now there is a bit on there from me and her. I should tell them a bit more as it was a few years ago.

Xx

[NeedANewMe]

This was my situation too, I didnt know at first just kept ending the relationship and blocking me. Then I found out later on from him when he admitted he hasnt been single for the time he said. He was still seeing her pretty much whilst with me. This time we have split he doesnt have anyone as I think it was a shock it actually ended.. so now i think great the next girl has a clean fresh start, he can tell the truth that he was single and maybe she will have his number from the start too. I am so scared he changes for the next as the whole starting of their relationship will be on truth.

[NeedANewMe]

Oh Yes, I have been watching some of those. Sometimes I find myself thinking that his not as bad as some of the stories I hear on here… then I doubt myself ! He is mainly verbal and emotional towards me, he has anger where he smashes things but then goes quiet afterwards because he feels embarrassed. It was mainly draining every weekend with his low moods and depression talks… always needed reassurance

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@gettingtired Thank you for this 🙂 I shall order it now!

Quite a few people have recommended the book on here so it must be good.

xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @gettingtired, you recommended this book to me the other day. I have been looking at purchasing the paperback ( easier to read than a phone screen ) there seems to be two versions in the title there is one that says ” Daily wisdom” and one that just says ” why does he do that “. Could you advise which one please.

Hope your doing OK.

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@gettingtired hope you are well, I shall take a look now. I have heard of it before but to be honest my brain is that mushed at the minute i dont know whether I am coming or going.

Thank you for the heads up it might be useful for me and @rabbit123

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@Rabbit123, This is definitely how I feel and the decision I am at now. I had the whole “x years we’ve been together and you are not fighting for us for all we’ve been through” I have been fighting from day one, but then when I have left before and I have gone back it looked like I was the person that’s left him three times. He used to say you’ve left me three times already and had my stuff on the porch. BUT WHY DID I LEAVE?? This time because of the situation of moving house and i didn’t know how to end it, i kind of put it onto him so in around about way without him knowing the lie he left me because I (removed by moderator). Once the contact started he was apologising for everything, for the incidents for the verbal comments and taking money off me when i put him on my mortgage. He said his life isn’t worth living if it wasn’t with me. I would wake up to morning messages… hey beautiful, i love you more than anything you are my world and my forever. Everyday we had contact i was getting long heart felt messages of what he thought of me. Bringing up when we met what he thought of me the days out… how i have made him a better man and how much his changed already and thanking me.. then he’d say don’t let someone else benefit from that, saying his going to support me and he shouldn’t of made me choose between (removed by moderator) and him and his taken me for granted… he would ask why wasn’t i saying it back or replying back. I felt awful because i wanted all of this but i was worried that i was now living somewhere completely different and lying about where i was… after so many days of messaging he was saying when you going to call me? I was like soon, he said why not now we should be talking everyday to get each other through this and to support each other. I couldn’t ring as I knew the real reason was I wasn’t where I said I was and I was worried he’d face time. I was drained and now all these messages have confused me more and i know my family wouldn’t agree for me to go back.. but how can they be sure he wont change?? I have even debated writing a letter to his mom, not telling her the problems as that isn’t my place but to kind of clear my name that this wasn’t me and I am the person she thinks I am and that I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with her son but he can’t just apologise and accept me to jump straight back in and then nothing changes i need some help and support to show his changing… only problem is i have this house. I am someone who is bothered what people think of them and this is really winding me up. I sit here every night until 4 am in the morning thinking it all over and thinking of what his doing, whats he thinking, getting my friend to check FB, is he mopping about knowing its done this time and the first time his had no contact with me for x years.. has the penny finally dropped?, when i do fall to sleep I wake up in a sweat and my heart is racing, anxiety is going. I have locked myself away now for a few days and i cant eat because i feel sick with worry of everything going on and the urge to message, It’s also down to knowing is he with someone else or talking to someone else… I honestly feel like giving up but i am trying to fight the withdrawal.

If you need to talk you can private message 🙂 sounds like we are going through the same thoughts xx

[NeedANewMe]

I get like that when I’m on my phone wondering when his going to say what your doing. I mean last night he saw my emoji’s and was like go back on that, when did you use that one? so he does a search then as his getting paranoid that I’ve used the emoji with someone else..

I try so hard now to lie and hard things and just string him a long, sometimes I think he knows what I’m doing I just think how do you know that its a coincidence or do you have like something spying on me. Its so hard now hiding the police and counselling from him, even giving my mate a lift home after work. I sit there panicking that it will be my luck he will call me and figure it out.

I will have to look into that recording, I’d be worried though incase he saw the recording in my phone files as you just don’t know when he will look.

Seeing the damage it is doing to my family is crushing me and making me feel so guilty, I feel like I am in the middle and know I have to leave this because of them I just don’t know how. They obviously don’t understand and just want me out, I just really wish it was that easy!!!!

xx

[NeedANewMe]

I hate the fact they made me state percentages anyway as it was my house would understand if he put in. at first he wanted 50/50 and was asking me really weird questions which shouldn’t concern him or shouldn’t be bothered about as I was kind enough to add him on it shouldn’t matter about the money shouldn’t be expecting a percentage just your name on it. but wasn’t good enough wanted a cut and like a fool I gave him 30% of what ive worked hard for and already gone through this before with my ex who I brought the house with and signed it all over to me with no payout due to what he did to me.

[NeedANewMe]

Hi I wantmeback,

My OH can be quite aggressive and angry when he talks to you, he can be fine then just changes within seconds. to be honest he seems like that time of person in general. I wish I could catch him on recording saying it, I tried once with my dashcam but I couldn’t find how to turn it on as he was threatening me with the house then. Its knowing when to start recording or taking my phone out in middle of argument about it before he asks what I am doing. I have text message of him saying (detail removed by moderator). He isn’t accepting less but now in order to take him off mortgage and for him to sign the paper he wants (detail removed by moderator) I was advised that legally I have gifted him 30% so his entitled but that wasn’t a specialised Solicitor in this area and the police said if I went down cohersion and controlling behaviour I might have a case. I am just worried to do that as it drags it out more stress then and if I loose the case I have more to pay. It is going through the bank and they provide me with a free solicitor on there list but I thought if I got him to sign the paper and say once signed I have the (detail removed by moderator) to give you then he would probably take it seeing it there infront of him. HE DOESNT DESERVE A PENNY but if (detail removed by moderator) gets me my life back then I’ll do. I am so scared to leave it to a solicitor or the police because then the situation is out of my control 🙁 really don’t know what to do all I know is the mortgage application to get the house back in my name begins very very soon and I don’t have a plan on how I will get him to sign it back over!! I will need to speak to the solicitor once I have been given one by the bank

xx

[NeedANewMe]

I had episodes like this where he would verbally and emotionally abuse me for hours I would lock myself in the bathroom if we were in the hotel. Other times id be breaking down in tears in the street trying to hold it back. He would have an argument with me which of cause I caused and then he’d tell me to drop it I’d go silent as I was walking on egg shells and then he’d have a go at me for being quiet he would be the one that would continue to drag the argument out all night and all weekend even though his the one who suggested to drop it. He still brings up the incident from Christmas!!

I keep saying to myself I will wait for the next episode and when he says im off ill leave him to it but when that day comes I always find myself begging him to stay not to leave because I think what about getting my house back.. he doesn’t really threaten to leave as much now but just wants me to pay him out quick but now the time is approaching which I am not sure whether he knows about even though I said I cant pay you out till middle of *** and also told him 5 weeks ago he will be coming off the mortgage he is now demanding more of a payout because I aint short of it and breaking what he had agreed since Christmas.

[NeedANewMe]

That is exactly what his done this time around… I thought id got somewhere convincing him about coming off the mortgage so he can get better deals being a first time buyer and then at the end of the convo he was like yeah your right… I thought yes!!! then he said we shall start saving and look at moving and coming off the mortgage in like a year or two there is no rush is there… AHHHHHHHH!!! then when I said no you wanted to move this year so you need to come off now he said fine I know what your doing If you want me off the mortgage now it will cost you £5K I was like I cant afford that I have other fees to pay, he said not my problem its not like you don’t have enough money in the house to pay me out its nothing.

How do I get him to sign this paper and stick to the £3K we agreed and his been banging on about since Christmas now all off a sudden its more x

[NeedANewMe]

PS I have watched all these documentaries on the tele and also the dirty John true story and series was really interesting. The documentaries on the tele I kind of had some on whilst he was there and at times he would say that sounds like me…. on one though he did get quite angry and defensive saying I am not like that, I said you kind of are and its an offence to tell me what to do. He said I can’t get done for showing care that I don’t want you out with a bunch of lads.

Then I just think it is me, I cant win whether I shut up or speak I am always in the wrong and say something wrong. When you tell him this he turns it round to say that’s how you make me feel. Like I am not wanted and neglecting me, like you don’t love me like I have the problem. You cause me to react this way

[NeedANewMe]

Hi WantMeBack

Sorry for late reply he was with me all weekend so had no time to access this.

I have been to womens aid and also when the police were involved they were keen on me putting a statement in for cohesion and controlling behaviour so they could go and talk to him, but I don’t want that because it will drag it out even longer stressing me out more and I feel guilty for getting him into trouble.

I have spoke to a solicitor who said just don’t accept any money off, I ended up paying the finances well still paying them… he paid one mortgage payment right at the start month 1 and then nothing since told him not to, he said you think I am stupid if I don’t pay anything then I am not entitled to anything. I just thought to myself your not entitled anyway I need it to show commitment and your using it against me throwing it in my face with court and wanting £5k!! his probably put in some DIY and one mortgage payment.

I am trying to still carry on letting things tick over as though I am staying with him, saying love you and having sex even when Im not wanting to because usually saying no or wording it in another way but still meaning no he will hit roof verbal abuse telling me his already been out sh***ing other women and back on dating sites. Before his even gone to the extreme of saving his number as a girls number and messaging himself so it looks like his having a convo with someone else. Also taken plain Jayne photos offline and photo shopped them so it looks like something he has received.

I just need advise on how I get him to sign this paperwork…. do I leave it for a family member to do or do I man up face him and ask him to sign it… my dad says why are you scared he wont lay a finger on you don’t worry about that, what he doesn’t know is he already has and that is something I won’t tell him until after all this is over

xx

[NeedANewMe]

so glad I have someone with similar issues i.e. the singing.. I panic when I don’t get out of work on time as he doesn’t like me working in the office longer than I have to as he thinks im cheating on him with the lad here that I spoke to about my problems last year and he found out or if I am still at work he thinks I’ve gone out with the work lot straight from work.

Like he will say his working or going to moms etc.. so I make plans to visit the family then when I’m there he will message and say how long am I going to be I want to leave or I’ve finished work I think brill and I just assume that means I need to leave to get home so he can come round and I panic then and try to rush home as I think he will kick off… other times he will say his on his way so Ill leave rush home and he doesn’t come round till later on so I think I could of stopped out longer at the families.

We were stuck in traffic once which made him late for work all that was my fault not the fact it was rush hour between those times in the morning…. he came out with all sorts of verbal abuse, how is ex was better how he hated me. He spat in my face and punch my hand which was on gear stick and snapped my nail. This weekend he came downstairs in just a towel dropped so was naked to get some boxers, blinds were closed but curtains open.. he was like jeeez you can see straight through them, I said so there are fences and no one other side.. straight away oh is that the attitude you have when upstairs getting dressed and leave curtains open. I said no the curtains are always shut why do you have to make up situations in your head and be negative.. so he launched a laundry basket full of washing at me and said you drag me down that is why I think negative.. since then its just been verbal abuse threatening with house and wanting £5K now upping the amount.

I just give up I need a plan and I really don’t know what to do… I don’t want to tell no one about the violence.

[NeedANewMe]

I just feel like it is or that I am missing parts out. As I write to you all and the things I write about I have his voice in my head as if I was telling him and what he’d be saying to me. The weekend wasn’t a good again I am just in the wrong whether I keep shut or speak… bringing up the past blaming me for what happened at Christmas with telling my family which I’ve tried to explain regardless of whether I told them stuff or not they knew things weren’t right they picked up on certain things which sent alarm bells ringing and that’s then when he caused an argument and was saying I want paying out (detail removed by moderator) Proper gets my back up as that was my house and ALL MY MONEY I was kind enough to share and now he wants to take it from me thinking his entitled to it!!! since Christmas he has wanted out and we agreed (detail removed by moderator) not like you cant afford to you have ££ in the house, like im being greedy.

My auntie spoke to rights of women a few months ago.

[NeedANewMe]

I totally understand as I have noticed as I have changed to rage and I think because sometimes I don’t react how I used to by reassuring him begging him etc… lately its turned up into full blown arguments as we both don’t back down and then him getting violent. I am trying to protect my house, I know deep down I should probably get professional help to sort this but I am so scared to do this I feel like the bad one getting others involved and getting him into trouble.

He made me feel so bad at the end of last year saying it is my fault there is now this wedge between him and the family because I caused it by painting him out to be this bad person, this controlling person which he says his not. He says he isn’t like someone who purposely wants to control someone he isn’t choosing to be controlling and telling me what to do he does things because he loves me and cares about me that his scared of loosing me to someone else.

I am also scared that I make a massive mistake and leave, I worry that he will find someone better and change his ways be happy have a family etc which is all I want with him but without all this s***!!

[NeedANewMe]

Hi AlwaysSorry.

Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot that people can take the time to read through other peoples problems whilst they have so much going on in there own lives and trying to tackle the same thing.

I can totally relate to you with the reactive abuse, I already went into the relationship with slight paranoia that I could be cheated on again and worrying that I wouldn’t spot it etc… but over the course of the relationship things he would do because of his paranoia and then things he would say like what your OK with me going out with my mates clubbing? well yeah its normal for you to go out with friends… hmm that is the wrong answer as I wouldn’t like you going clubbing I see that for single people, what about if this happened and then you would find him winding me up about different situations to do with ex’s and women so that eventually I would just react the way he wants me to as that is the way he would be with me. He would go on about giving this girl a lift but because he wound me up so much about her Its made me paranoid, his like just admit you don’t want me giving her lifts? why you in denial just stop hiding it and tell me you’re not OK with it… thing is I am but I literally got to the point where I say no I don’t want you to. I did kind of hit him (detail removed by Moderator) because he wound me up that much and I said (detail removed by Moderator), he said (detail removed by Moderator).

I am so paranoid now and on edge has his literally wound me up that much… everything might be going ok we have a general conversation I mentioned (detail removed by Moderator) and he switches with in seconds, (detail removed by Moderator) then the nasty comments start coming out and the wind ups. He calls me a freak and weird, it looks on messages that im the controlling one but ive learnt the tricks and behaviour from him, he don’t see that.

He has said here look through my phone, I say no.. (detail removed by Moderator) and he says (detail removed by Moderator). He does look through my phone now and again or if it goes off he will ask who it is or lean over, but if were arguing he picks up his phone starts messaging and I’ll be like (detail removed by Moderator)

I avoid telling the family (apart from my two aunties) anything because I honestly know they would go off the rails if they ever find out his laid a figure on me and it will be out of my control then, I wont be able to stop them or the consequences. This was my house and I chose to add him onto the mortgage to show commitment and that he trust me… he wants paying out. He changes his mind all the time never means what he says. One day he could be threatening me wanting his payout out now so he can do one the next his on about saving for a deposit for our next house. I am trying to control the situation to get him off the mortgage and because of everything his said about wanting to come off I have booked an appointment to do so however now his gone back to saying he wants to stay on it I am petrified of the day arising.

I went through counselling at work but this wasn’t great so two close relatives offered to pay for private which I have nearly one session a week but I feel bad for spending their money as I feel like I am wasting it as it looks like I am not doing anything. I haven’t told the counselling about all events of violence because I know she will have to report it and again it will be 0ut of my control and I would feel guilty getting him into trouble.

That is why sometimes I feel like sticking around because he points out things, like its not you that’s the problem is it it’s me, you deserve so much better than me, I am such a ***t to you why do you put up with it. The first time I left he said he needs help he needs to go doctors and get help will I go with him.. But its almost like he forgets all about this and what his said before. He also said he spoke to a girl at work about am I in the wrong for not wanting her to go out with lad friends she was like no not at all she shouldn’t want to go out… so he came back and used this saying I aint the problem you have made out its all me and its all in my head when really its not, there is nothing wrong with what I say or do.. I could bring it up and say you told me to stay off the tablets or not get help because we know they will say your the problem and he will say no I never said that. The other day he said (detail removed by Moderator).

I just keep lying to him now saying all is OK carrying on with things when I know in the back of my mind the day is approaching with the mortgage and I don’t know how I am going to get him to sign papers, I am trying everything with him to get him to fall for it.

xx

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