NeedANewMe

[NeedANewMe]

Hi I feel your pain, I have left not long ago have received messages which have left me heartbroken and feeling sorry for the nice guy I see in him, I cut contact and now i have spent nearly a whole week in bed crying feeling sick and anxious. I am missing the “nice” him very much and wanting to crawl back to him. I don’t even remember my old self I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel completely lost and have no sense of belonging all i am doing is driving myself insane thinking of him with someone else and how he said he’d change. I have watched him change is photo on FB through my friends account and through what’s app as he has that set to everyone.. All I am seeing is really nice attractive girls liking them and i am sitting here with him still in my head whilst his doing god knows what, but this guy less than a week ago sent me a messages saying he wants his life with me and I’m the love of his life, his life isn’t worth going on without me… xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @Gettingtired, It’s great that you have these feelings because you need to feel ready in yourself before you leave as you will find yourself back in it. I could leave and within a max of two weeks we would be back together. Then I would think if only i stayed away id be out of this now. This time i sold the house and was buying things for the new house being happy without him being around, going to my aunties and having time away from him, not texting as often and worrying about replying straightaway.. But anytime he’d go to leave my anxiety would kick in and stop him crying my eyes out struggling to breathe. But even with feeling better to leave this time you can’t prepare yourself for the emotional and mental struggle. I am dying to contact him, i really want to believe his changed, I desperately want to go back.

I also had the long speeches/text messages of how he feels most of the time when he was on lows, serious talks all the time which would be draining. We’d be fine and then comes out the blue with all these serious talks. If i went off to do something and he was doing something else in another room he would be like you neglect me you don’t love. We could be just sitting there and he’d say you don’t want me or love me….

Because you have become so attached to this person you think when you leave that will be it, but i still dont feel free, i feel like it is the worse mistake of my life, i feel guilty for doing all this behind his back, I wanna know what his doing, who his talking to, is he regretting the way he treated me. i

XX

[NeedANewMe]

@Rabbit123 I am in the same boat, I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) with ignoring him… I gave in and was talking to him for a bit, It is the first time he listened,recognised his faults and apologised. The things he was saying any girl would want to hear. I am trying to fight this but the withdrawal is getting worse. I am finding it hard to believe his like the men you hear about. How i keep away is another question. I must be the only one who knows my situation that thinks and believes he will change and because of this its keeping me away as I dont want to let them down but truthfully i want to go back

[NeedANewMe]

Hi GettingTired and KIP

Gettingtired – Your name is how i felt the last few months knowing every weekend would be draining as i knew something would be said that would cause an argument or a problem that really wasn’t needed. A pointless conversation… always have to go into these deep chats and conversations which escalate and then you feel pressured to just say what he wants to here.

Thank you both for your replies.

I was (detail removed by moderator) when i met him but I’ve now hit (detail removed by moderator)…. my (detail removed by moderator) was a write off and now i wish i was back in my 20’s where i feel like i’d have more time on my side. He tells me that i’ll end up wasting more years with other relationships or spend ages finding my next partner that i’ll be old when i have kids and my parents and family wont be around to see them grow up.

I have tried calling a centre where I now live today to see what support they can offer me, apparently there is a really long list for the programme.. I just can’t see an end to this, i am pining and caving him.. I miss him and forget about the bad things. I try to think of how I felt when I was with him, how I used to try and get out to fetch food all the time so I could phone a family member or a friend and rant everything out. I used to lie awake in bed till stupid hours of a morning whilst he was fast asleep thinking how to leave in my head how i can’t stand being around him with how he is with me how its draining and tiring repetitive to say the least.

I have started to read the Lundy book online.. my problem is i start to think hmm his not like this, he doesn’t do this and then i start to talk myself out of it. I can’t get out of my head someone else having him and him talking to others, what is he doing today. After all his said to me in the last couple of weeks I’ve allowed contact and his completely different recognising his faults and listening to me.. I did hold back on bringing up a few things but he brought them up instead. He has improved over the years with a few things i call insecurities but others would call controlling behaviour.

Honestly I hate decisions and choices… If it wasn’t for me reading these comments about him not changing or my auntie telling me he wouldn’t change I’d be contacting him now to see if he will change or will go get help.. the only thing holding me back is the doubt in my head in wont change from the comments I’ve heard..

I really hope you get out, I thought this time i was ready for it i’ll be fine but that wasn’t the case. I was ready physically for the new life just not ready emotionally or mentally to be without him. I think because i was occupied it was keeping me going now I have lost motivation and sitting here working it all out in my head, over thinking everything

xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi There,

Thank you for your reply. I have no idea how I did it to be honest you think it’s impressive but I feel like I’ve stooped to his level and been really shady and sneaky also lying. I did it by having paperwork going to another address, I was doing things when he was at work or nights I knew I had to myself. Most communication about the house was through email and the estate agents were fantastic. My (detail removed by moderator) which is why I moved as they used to be close, so when buying and looking for a house I would say I was (detail removed by moderator). I moved things around the house into different places if he never noticed I’d box it up and move it out. He also had (detail removed by moderator) pretty much all the time so stuff in the garden and garage I was able to do hoping he’d never look. It was stressful and trying to keep the piece and situation under control was hard. The last few months were intense, very draining constantly telling me he wasn’t happy wanted to leave, he’d never be the one to leave me so he’d stay in this relationship feeling like this. He’d threatened to pack his things up and I’d chase him as my anxiety would kick in. He has got angry a few time smashed things damaged things all I was worried about was the house that had been sold. But for some reason he seems to be acting completely different this time usually it’s new clothes Facebook profiles trying to build up his ego.. but this time I didn’t chase and go running, when he responded I ignored for a couple of weeks but then caved. But then I told him where I stood. For the first time he listened recognised his faults and apologised and wanted to be the better man. Said his mom had helped him to understand he should support me not walk away.. so this why I’m confused because his acting different.. can he change??? Because I’d love to be with this guy he was absolutely lovely when we met I was head over heels…

I have counsellor but that’s coming to an end, I have tried applying for the freedom programme in my new home town just a bit hard with lockdown. I have my aunties I call everyday to just get it off my chest.. my other family members are to black and white they just want me out and away. They think his an ass end of.. when I say I’m struggling it’s just forget about him new start new you get the old person back move forward. But seriously it’s like having withdrawal I’ve never not had contact with him. I really want to call I feel like the worse person ever. I broke down on the phone to my auntie this evening and she keeps saying I promise you he won’t change and tries to help go over the bad times…

Just seems like I keep getting idiots I had a hard time with being in a relationship for all of my younger years, wedding booked and then he cheated. I had a couple of years break and met this guy and now I’ve had a few years of this. I worry that time isn’t on my side my parents will be too old and won’t see my kids, I don’t want to start again I so badly just want a relationship and kids and marriage. I look at what my parents have and how long they’ve been together and my siblings whom have been with their partners since college age. Why me!!!! What do I do wrong? Why do lads take advantage? I think there is no way this lad would be able to pull the eyes over a confident outgoing bubbly girl.. they’d probably say on your bike do one mate.. where I was vulnerable and soft too nice for my own good?? Sorry I don’t mean to offend anyone here it’s just the worry and ideas that go through my head. His made me very paranoid of women with the constant cheating comments or the many options he has available I just feel worthless, why doesn’t he want me but then in another breathe he does want me life wouldn’t complete without me… but then what’s he doing now?? Realising that this time it’s over for good and I’m not going to chase? Panicking about no contact and not seeing me again? Panicking his lost me? Has it finally hit home? Xx

[NeedANewMe]

I read this and was so shocked that this reminds me so much of my story. SparkleJar this is me all over, I managed to sell my house and buy one hundreds of miles away and he still has no clue I’ve left.. the day was fast approaching and I used every excuse in the book that would normally cause an argument didn’t! I felt so stuck everything was moving the completion date was approaching and no trick in the book was working I just needed his stuff out the house, if it wasn’t for his things I would have just left without an explanation. When Boris announced a lockdown I said I need to stay with (detail removed by moderator) and he said well it’s our relationship or her and I said I need to stay with her.. he asked to collect get his things, was supposed to meet halfway and he ended up (detail removed by moderator), followed me in grab all his stuff had a moment with me and left… I drove off as though I was going back to my (detail removed by moderator), I waited a couple of hours and then spent every hour through the night to pack up the house. I worked around the clock and had everything packed up in 48hours stopping when I knew he’d be finishing work and hid the car.. I was on my way to my new home and (detail removed by moderator) after the split he messaged me.. I can’t tell you how terrible and guilty I felt and I still feel it now. I gave into his messages through various forms of communication a couple of weeks in he apologised listened recognised his faults and was saying everything I wanted him to in the few years we were together. I felt so guilty I was hiding this lie from him, he thinks I’m at my aunties and I’ve setup a new home. A week into texting and things being good He started asking me to call him then my anxiety started… he would go through stages I’ve been fine lovely talking about our future to blaming me and punishing me in his own way making me feel guilty saying he doesn’t know where he stands I won’t even talk to him he can’t do this anymore, it was draining on texts as we’d be going back and forth every day or every few hours.. he’d go depressed and low making me feel bad that his lonely. Honestly if I wasn’t living here and still at my aunties and had my home I would 1000% be back there now. A few days ago on one of his low moods again he said I have till tomorrow afternoon to call him otherwise I’ve made it clear how I feel. Said in a few months time you will see me happy with someone else and then you’d think I wish I had of phoned. But if I phoned then it would of been FaceTime and that’s impossible with my situation. The deadline didn’t happen he kept calling and calling I kept declining.. why won’t you call me answer please I need to talk to you I have no one to talk to I’m home alone I really need you I need to let out how I’m feeling. Then I had the suicide text with a photo of pills on a table… I switched my phone off and changed my number I’ve had no contact since. To say I’m struggling is an understatement I feel so guilty for my actions and for cutting contact when he sent me that image.. his posting things on social media which I’m asking a friend to keep an eye out and I’m seeing girls liking his posts or photos his started with the I feel worthless posts so people feel for him. This one girl has liked his photo and his post he’d liked a couple of hers and now my head is thinking all sorts that there talking and she’s a complete stranger.. just adds random girls! But she is very pretty and some of my features, I just feel worthless and ugly and feel like nothing to him even though last week when he was opening up to me he said I take you for granted and I shouldn’t your the love of my life I only want you, life isn’t worth living unless your in it.. now this. The new one is a music video of a song he used to sing to me… guess his put it up knowing I’ll be looking from someone else’s account because I’m not on any social media. I just don’t like the idea of him being with someone else.. it’s destroying me.

Keep going your somewhere safe that’s the first bit, but I’m the same as you I only wanted to say things through text as I really didn’t want to say it to him I couldn’t the words wouldn’t come out.. I just had to keep everything calm and under wraps until I had no choice because the d day came!

Xx

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you, it’s great to know you’ve made it out to.. it’s reassuring to here.. That’s what worries me once I go back it will just pick up again. But I am finding it so hard not to believe his words that his sorry for all the things his done. I keep getting long heart felt messages about our time together how he should of treated me different and not let his insecurities get the better of him, but I’ve taught him that he can let go and he thanks me for that. Now I’m getting texts about (detail removed by moderator).. I feel so much guilt for changing my number and having no contact because I think I have to message and be nice as I’m doing all this behind is back and I’m worse than him for doing that so I send the nice messages.. he has noticed as to why I’m not responding to his heartfelt messages.. like just I had a message saying (detail removed by moderator)…

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @Gettingtired,

I also opened up to my partner and told him what happened in my last relationship the whole story of being cheated on and how I didn’t trust or like women very much, I am weary of them. He then used this against me in different arguments. He would say no wonder why your ex cheated on you if you was like this with him, do you not think I have other options available to me, his been cheating on me… He used to wind me up and show him downloading dating apps onto his phone as he didn’t want me anymore wanted to find someone else.

xxxx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi KIP, yes a family member used Claire’s law when they were a little concerned. There was something on there yes it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was but now there is a bit on there from me and her. I should tell them a bit more as it was a few years ago.

Xx

[NeedANewMe]

This was my situation too, I didnt know at first just kept ending the relationship and blocking me. Then I found out later on from him when he admitted he hasnt been single for the time he said. He was still seeing her pretty much whilst with me. This time we have split he doesnt have anyone as I think it was a shock it actually ended.. so now i think great the next girl has a clean fresh start, he can tell the truth that he was single and maybe she will have his number from the start too. I am so scared he changes for the next as the whole starting of their relationship will be on truth.

[NeedANewMe]

Oh Yes, I have been watching some of those. Sometimes I find myself thinking that his not as bad as some of the stories I hear on here… then I doubt myself ! He is mainly verbal and emotional towards me, he has anger where he smashes things but then goes quiet afterwards because he feels embarrassed. It was mainly draining every weekend with his low moods and depression talks… always needed reassurance

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@gettingtired Thank you for this 🙂 I shall order it now!

Quite a few people have recommended the book on here so it must be good.

xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @gettingtired, you recommended this book to me the other day. I have been looking at purchasing the paperback ( easier to read than a phone screen ) there seems to be two versions in the title there is one that says ” Daily wisdom” and one that just says ” why does he do that “. Could you advise which one please.

Hope your doing OK.

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@gettingtired hope you are well, I shall take a look now. I have heard of it before but to be honest my brain is that mushed at the minute i dont know whether I am coming or going.

Thank you for the heads up it might be useful for me and @rabbit123

xx

[NeedANewMe]

@Rabbit123, This is definitely how I feel and the decision I am at now. I had the whole “x years we’ve been together and you are not fighting for us for all we’ve been through” I have been fighting from day one, but then when I have left before and I have gone back it looked like I was the person that’s left him three times. He used to say you’ve left me three times already and had my stuff on the porch. BUT WHY DID I LEAVE?? This time because of the situation of moving house and i didn’t know how to end it, i kind of put it onto him so in around about way without him knowing the lie he left me because I (removed by moderator). Once the contact started he was apologising for everything, for the incidents for the verbal comments and taking money off me when i put him on my mortgage. He said his life isn’t worth living if it wasn’t with me. I would wake up to morning messages… hey beautiful, i love you more than anything you are my world and my forever. Everyday we had contact i was getting long heart felt messages of what he thought of me. Bringing up when we met what he thought of me the days out… how i have made him a better man and how much his changed already and thanking me.. then he’d say don’t let someone else benefit from that, saying his going to support me and he shouldn’t of made me choose between (removed by moderator) and him and his taken me for granted… he would ask why wasn’t i saying it back or replying back. I felt awful because i wanted all of this but i was worried that i was now living somewhere completely different and lying about where i was… after so many days of messaging he was saying when you going to call me? I was like soon, he said why not now we should be talking everyday to get each other through this and to support each other. I couldn’t ring as I knew the real reason was I wasn’t where I said I was and I was worried he’d face time. I was drained and now all these messages have confused me more and i know my family wouldn’t agree for me to go back.. but how can they be sure he wont change?? I have even debated writing a letter to his mom, not telling her the problems as that isn’t my place but to kind of clear my name that this wasn’t me and I am the person she thinks I am and that I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with her son but he can’t just apologise and accept me to jump straight back in and then nothing changes i need some help and support to show his changing… only problem is i have this house. I am someone who is bothered what people think of them and this is really winding me up. I sit here every night until 4 am in the morning thinking it all over and thinking of what his doing, whats he thinking, getting my friend to check FB, is he mopping about knowing its done this time and the first time his had no contact with me for x years.. has the penny finally dropped?, when i do fall to sleep I wake up in a sweat and my heart is racing, anxiety is going. I have locked myself away now for a few days and i cant eat because i feel sick with worry of everything going on and the urge to message, It’s also down to knowing is he with someone else or talking to someone else… I honestly feel like giving up but i am trying to fight the withdrawal.

If you need to talk you can private message 🙂 sounds like we are going through the same thoughts xx

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