Nina

[Nina]

The Magistrate Court was horrific,

(court details removed by moderator)

How on earth can this be right???

[Nina]

Hi Cakepops,
Your ex sounds just like mine, he used to threaten suicide, self harm and then blamed it all on me for abusing him after I’d left. Even though he was the same throughout his first short lived marriage, before he even met me.
I was also terrified about what would happen concerning our children and access arrangements but he showed his true colours at the family court. It’s a lot harder to tell lies than the truth in the process and I represented myself and just answered the questions truthfully. For him it was all about winning, for me it was about making sure that our kids were safe.
He, like your ex, cut himself off from his family for years, but as soon as I left he was borrowing money off them again. I left with nothing but my children, not a penny, so I’d still love to hear the tale of woe that he’d invented.
I got through it all by just focusing on my children and being the best mum that I could be. It sounds bonkers but I imagined an invisible shield around me that his c*** couldn’t get through.
It was so worrying, frustrating and unjust. I used to dread the sighned for letters full of ridiculous allegations arriving then having to respond, but don’t rise to his petty games. My ex had his new girlfriend working with rights for fathers and she was doing all the correspondence to me?.. He couldn’t even be bothered to do it himself.
Just remember that he can say what he wants, it doesn’t make it true, only you know truth. I’ve found that the truth always comes out in the end at court. Law and family, even though it can take years. You’ll get through this x

[Nina]

The Epsom salts and chickens made me proper smile and I will try it. I did go to see a councillor a few times but I could never tell anyone about everything he did, it would make it real then and I don’t want to confront it or lie

[Nina]

Thank you, it’s helping so much being here, It’s like a parallel universe. How people on this forum understand and share and care and just get you.
I feel like I’ve got the plague when I’m out and about. I know some of it’s paranoia, but some of it definitely isn’t. I only came back here yesterday as I really needed help and I’m overwhelmed at the amount of empathy everyone has. It’s sad to think though, that’s probably the reason why we’re all here x

[Nina]

That’s just got me thinking. Early on in our relationship, my ex lost a game (detail removed by moderator) one evening. We were laughing and joking with him telling me how he never lost at anything, as I got up to make a cup of tea for us.
He then followed me through to kitchen, spun me round and just ripped my shirt open. Every button pinged off everywhere. I was just stunned, but he started laughing saying he was a sore looser and I have no idea now, why the hell I didn’t run then. He just joked his way out of it and all I did was put the shirt in the bin as it was irreparable and put on a sweater.
I think when the abuse starts, it’s so confusing. You don’t really know what’s going on and then it just escalates. The abuse and the confusion x

[Nina]

Hi Kip, it was my GP and IDAS who said that you couldn’t have therapy until the all of the legal process was over. When I asked why, I was told that it could affect my giving of evidence. I was also told that you couldn’t start to move on and recover until the the legagaities were over and it would be pointless until then.
I’ve since had a few counselling sessions and have been diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety but if I’d had some help back then, maybe I’d not in this rut.
My son was lucky with his new school though. He was assaulted too and was also a witness but he was offered weekly counselling sessions from the start and still has them. It’s been brilliant for him and I dread to think what would have happened to him without it.

[Nina]

I’ve had the same experience. I was told I couldn’t get counciling until the legal process was over.
(Detail removed by Moderator) That’s (Detail removed by Moderator) years of my life just living in limbo and not knowing where to turn. I’ve not even started to deal with what’s happened and now I’ve buried it so deep I’m scared of dealing with it.

[Nina]

When you’re ill and they gaslight it’s a whole new ballgame.

“You’re illness is making you paranoid, unreasonable, stupid, forgetful, crazy argumentative.”
“I don’t like your tone of voice, it’s that new medication that’s causing it.”. (That new medication that made me feel better?).
“You can’t be that ill, you haven’t received a hospital appointment in ages.” (He’d been opening my post and binning them).
“Don’t worry that you’ve blacked out again and it looks like your ankle is broken. It Looks like a clean break to me. It will heal itself so we’re not going to the hospital.”(And we didn’t).

[Nina]

Thanks KIP too, I did get offered counselling but it was miles away and I’m too ill to leave the house a lot of the time thanks to (Detail removed by Moderator). When I do feel well enough, I’m petrified that I’ll see him and have panic attacks, so I’ve just been hiding away.
I’ve dipped in and out of this forum when things have been really tough but other than that, haven’t had any contact with Woman’s Aid.
I just need to see that their will be an end to all this but I can’t. I will try to talk to someone though, so thank you x

[Nina]

Thanks maddog, I too feel like I’m climbing out of rubble, but I keep sliding back down. I don’t know anything about victim support but I have had support with IDAS. The police put me in touch with them when they put me on MARAC. I feel guilty bothering them now as I’m safe, unlike many of the women who are needing their help and I know that they are stretched.
I just feel broken but I know I’ve got to keep going for my children. It’s just not about what’s happened, it’s what’s happening and the fear of what’s next. After years of this I’m spent.

[Nina]

I waited for five weeks and was moved into a new area. We had nothing and no money. The first day there we had a food parcel but no cuttlery, plates or cooker. Luckily their was a free plastic spoon in the cereal box that we still have, to show how far we have come.
We had to claim universal credit as I have a long term illness and it took months. I did get a £400 loan from them after a few weeks but after buying the basics like a fridge, kettle and two new school uniforms, it didn’t go far.
I’d get as organised as you can whilst your waiting and hope that when you do get a place you’ll love it as much as we love ours, now we’ve made it home.
I was lucky and got legal aid to get a non mol order after (Detail removed by Moderator) restraining order ended. I know if I hadn’t IDAS and other organisations can advise and help you. They gave me a phone number for free legal advice available to everyone and offered lots of support. Good luck with it and I hope you get sorted soon x

[Nina]

You will get help with housing even if your name is on a mortgage. Citizens Advice helped me as my name was still on the mortgage I had with my ex husband. When we divorced years ago he changed jobs so he could get paid partly cash in hand. Thus reducing CSA payments and then the bank wouldn’t let me take my name off because of his fake low income. He’s selling it now so I’ll finally be free of it and one less tie. Because of the risk of him defaulting or remortgaging and me having any liability I took out a court order to protect me. Good job I did as he’s selling the house at a loss.

I know the thought of sorting it all out is overwhelming because ultimately it’s down to you, especially when you’re feeling broken and useless. There is always help and support out there though. I had a massive list of practical things that I had to sort out and if I did just one thing off that list a day I was doing ok. I’ve been there and wish I’d done it before it got as bad as it did, when I didn’t have a choice, the police made it for me xx

[Nina]

KIP has some great advice there. I’m on MARAC and my ex found our location as he tracked my sons phone. I changed mine but didn’t realise that he’d ever touched that one. He knew already roughly the area because of the restraining order. I’ve got the local police watching out for us and they check in every couple of weeks with me. The police have put markers on his cars and I’ve got a panic alarm. I’ve even got a fire proof, lockable letterbox as he used to frighten us with fire. I’m dealing with it by taking all the precautions I can to make us as safe as possible but I hate living on high alert, forever looking out for one of his cars x

[Nina]

Legobricks, you can leave even with nothing. If I could do it anyone can, I literally had £12 to my name but it was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t even have a car, the four we had were in his all in his name, just like everything else.

If you live in an area where IDAS operate, and you decide that you want to leave they will also help. They really supported me with everything and helped me sort out a house.

All the practicalities can be sorted out and it doesn’t take long. The relief of being away far outweighs everything else that I’ve have to deal with.

I totally understand how you feel though as I was convinced that I was trapped. He told me often enough that if I left I’d have no home, job, money or car.
He forgot to mention that I’d be safe and happy.

I also thought he was my saviour after being in an abusive marriage before I met him. With time he turned out to be worse, at least my ex husband wasn’t violent. Just remember none of this is your fault and like Beenherebefore said, you’re not alone x

[Nina]

My daughter who’s only little made her brother a Bothers Day card at school. He’s a few years older than her but they are so close. It made me really sad but they were really happy and she made him breakfast in bed.
This is how life is now, its just not how I ever expected it to be x

[Author]

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