Positiveandlookingahead

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi KIP thanks for your message and for always being there. I have an interview next week in a different area that I have experience in and it’s with a firm I walked for before. They have always said they want me back. It’s an opportunity I didn’t take a few years back and it’s strange how the same role has now come up again. I have given my everything to my ex, to the area I was working in and they both haven’t worked for me. I’m learning that sometimes it’s ok to accept that something just isn’t meant to be. This area is a lot less stressful, is more interesting and more suited to my personality. I also get on very well with the head of department too. I am not applying for any other jobs in the mean time I’m having a rest. It’s hard to do this though as my brain is always ticking I can’t stop. I also visited the GP today and I have upped the dose for my anti depressants. I’ve also considered CBT and doing the freedom programme. I’m seeing a personal trainer this week as I have a lot of anger inside because of this. I have spotted when my mood goes down and it’s in the mornings so I need to go for a walk every morning to clearly head. I am trying to be positive about everything and I wont let this all beat me. Private counselling for the abuse was too intense and I will revisit it but I think I need to manage my thinking patterns first. This next week or so will give me the opportunity to go to the gym to exercise, socialise and also do yoga. I’ve also arranged to see a friend I’ve been avoiding. Depression is an awful thing you don’t have the strength to do anything or see anyone and that makes you feel worse. One massive stressor is out of my life now….a very full on role at work and I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is my time now to get myself recharged, positive, focused and I want to find some peace within myself. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

@Lightness and @Appleblossom you are totally right your mental health is so important if anything it’s more important than your physical health! I’ve continued to keep pushing myself and got to a stage where it all got too much and I exploded. I’ve started to help my mum prepare food like chop and peel things it’s amazing how therapeutic it is. It takes my mind off things and I also feel good cos I’m helping my mum out. Got family over now but I’m comfortable enough to know when I need a break. I also recognise when I need to be alone. When I’m back to work on going to be kind to myself each and everyday whether it’s to try a new recipe, do yoga, read a book watch a movie. Life should be exciting and and enjoyable because I’ve left the abusive relationship I am no longer there and mentally I will get to a place when it feels like it no longer affects me. One step at a time I’ve made so much progress in one week alone. I enter this new year with no fighting against him anymore that divorce is granted and no more battling with myself. I have depression and I’m going to find ways to cope with my day to day life and no man will never take advantage of the fact that I have a mental illness I’m far wiser now xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey ladies thanks for your kind words 😊. I have seriously taken a step back from everything
I’ve contacted my counsellor and told her I won’t be pursuing it at this time because it’s too painful. I’ve also spoken with my employer confidentially about suffering from depression and they said I should take time off and come back to work when I’m ready and they will have a chat about how to support me. I’m deciding that I’m putting the abuse in a box and I’m locking that box up and throwing it on a river (not literally just theorically). My employer was so understanding and did not judge me for wanting to stop the pain go. I’ve also contacted a mental health charity for support. I think they maybe closed for the Xmas period but I feel so proud to have made that step. I have taken a step back and realised how far I have come. I can and I will do this I still have time to go and I’m thinking of different strategies to get me through my day when things get on top of me
. I don’t think I’ll ever get over being in an abusive marriage but I think with time things will get better. Each day this week I’ve taken small steps like washing up, hoovering slowly tidying up. It’s exhausted me at times but slowly I’m trying to take care of myself and the things around me. Also been cleaning my surroundings. I won’t let this beat me and I would never change my experience I love who I am and what I know so thank you abuser. I think j will get through this and I’m taking time out for myself because I never ever want to be that distressed again. This will not destroy me I’m going to destroy it. Xxxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It was never you who caused this breakup it was all his doing. You will heal I am sure of it in still trying to be positive despite everything. At least you are in a safe, loving environment with your family. Whatever you think he has is superficial just like he is. They’ll never experience true happiness. They’ll never know what it’s really like to love and we will. They’re the biggest losers out of this not us. Stick in there half of Xmas day has already passed 😊 xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks I’m just going to try and rest and sleep. Feel so so drained. I don’t want to be anywhere but in the comfort of my own home. Emotions are all over the place I just want this mental torture to stop! That’s all I want. I actually feel like someone has been bashing my head with a brick. I’m just taking it hour by hour try and look at something positive on my iPad to district my mind or maybe listen to some music x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I woke up today feeling happy that it’s Christmas but now I feel so angry that my mum and police intervened yesterday. It’s my choice it’s my consequences and my decision!!!!! I have to again go through the mental torture for yet another day. I know they care about me but that doesn’t stop me from being angry!!!!!!!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You ladies are amazing. I’ve got tears in my eyes. Thank you for your kind words. Can’t wait to just rest tonight. What a painful day nut what do they say the only way from being down is being up. Keep breathing, do everything slowly and mindfully we have got this x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Please don’t try it I tried it today and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tried to do. We can’t let them win cos if we end our lives that’s exactly what we are doing. I know it’s so difficult but we got to keep helping one another and try and overcome this. I don’t think I can ever forget the look on my dad’s face today utter and complete pain. But I’m also in pain as well it’s constant it isn’t fair on me either. Just take this Xmas holiday slow and take time for yourself

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I’m so glad I have you all here it means so much. Yes therapy is stopping it’s too much I’m not stable at the moment. I’ve felt every single emotion today. Anger, shock, pain, confusion, completely dead inside. I have never attempted to take my own life before but trying to do it has made me realise how low I really am. It’s also been a huge release and a huge sense of relief getting that out of my system. The two police officers that came were both men and they were so understanding about domestic abuse and about depression and anxiety it shocked me. They were so compassionate towards me and they encouraged me to see the crisis team. I think this has been a long time coming. I’m just so glad I live in this country where there is help. You’ve all been so kind. I know I’m not out of the woods today was really traumatic and has shocked me x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I could have been that one statistic today. Feel so terrible x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi thanks for your help. I’m home now. It’s the therapy that is making me feel like this. I’m taking some time off work and going to sleep rest go for walks and do yoga. It’s been such a traumatic day for us all as a family. So scary.i just want to lie in a blanket with my mum and that’s what I am going to do. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I tried to take a  overdose. Police just came and an ambulance was ordered. I’m going to see mental health specialists crisis team at the hospital with my mum

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I’ve had several breakdowns over the last couple of days and have said that I don’t want to be here. Today I had suicidal thoughts I just wanted to take some painkillers to numb the pain. I rang the Samaritans as soon as I felt like that. I’m going to tell my parents tomorrow how low I feel it’s awful. Therapy is reliving the abuse my body feels like I’m being pulled at from my feet and all my organs are being pulled out. It’s almost as if there is poison inside me from being married to him and it’s being removed from my body. It’s so painful I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t think straight everything is going round and round in my head. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. My birthday is coming up in a few months it’s a big one and I cannot believe what has happened to me. My body my mind my heart and emotions are finally acknowledging what a harrowing thing that I have been through. Talking to a therapist has made me realise that I was in an abusive relationship. I’ve had nightmares of reaching out to him and contacting him and even getting back together with him!!!! He was even trying to kill me by strangling me as a punishment for leaving him. He did tell my dad he would never see my face again and this actually started to happen. I feel so so so much distress, anxiety and so unstable. They say therapy is supposed to help but it’s making me feel worse right now. I’m not in any danger now how did I ever manage to stay with such a vile person? I have no self belief of confidence anymore I don’t trust anyone and have become similar to him in the sense of I have become a recluse!!! I don’t want to see anyone or socialise or do anything what’s happening to me who am I and what’s going on with my body and my mind I feel so distressed please help x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It’s really drained me and taken it out of me. I have snoozed on the sofa most of the day just felt so lethargic didn’t get out of bed until 12p. I think its really hit me talking to a professional face to face it’s awful saying it all out loud. I rested as much as I could today because it was really tough. I understand that we have to start from the beginning and I have to talk about how we first met and what it was like but the thought of talking about him in a positive light absolutely violates me!!!! I’ve frlt so many emotions I’ve felt angry, heartbroken, devastated, pure betrayal, numb and in utter and complete shock that someone could be this evil to me. It’s going to get worse before it gets better I keep saying that I need fo get this dirt out of my system it’s good for me to do this. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you all it’s very triggering though I’ve decided to do it once Im in a really good place mentally. I’ve come so far but I’ve only just started therapy. I’m going to write about my experience and also the difficulties and misunderstandings I faced in an ethnic minority community. There was nothing out there for me to connect with when I left him and there were so many hurdles I faced with my community I had family friends actually phoning my parents and saying they’ll sit down with both families and hkp sort it out! It was none of their business jlw dare they interfere and tell me to go back to an abusive man! Kip i cant wait to see your play. Together we can change things and help others noone really understands what it is that we have, we are continuing to and will be facing because of these vile vile vile individuals x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you Lisa. Thats ecactly what I’m doing. I just feel like I can’t ever lose myself with a man ever again. I’m taking some time away from him and from everyone. This is my healing, it’s my weekend, it’s my time to breathe. I am the most important person in my life. The wedding is over and it’s all about making myself feel good. I’ve started to take antidepressants and I feel more balanced in my life. I just want time away from every single person in my life. I have spent the last few years focusing on everyone else but me. Not anymore x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you both I still feel exhausted. I’ve started the antidepressants again but I know it’s going to take time for them to start having an affect. I cant stop thinking it’s so hard to stop it because overthinking is my problem. If mg family persist to put pressure on me I will trll them I’m moving out with my friend while I aave for a deposit on a rental. I only wanted to move to buy a property but I’m not taking any crap off anyone!!!!! I’m taking some time off work being off sick and letting myself recuperate. I cant believe how much this has aksn it out of me. I’ve tried to contain my anger towards my family because you’re right the thing he wanted to do the most was to drive that wedge between us. I’m also going back to the doctors in 2 weeks time. I feel low, drained, I was sick several times last night and my whole body aches being strong has taken its toll on me x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks KIP. I have telephoned my GP and I’ve struggled to get an appointment but I’m going to try and get an emergency appointment now. I’ve started to listen to mindfulness meditation and I’ve started to exercise again. I’m carrying so much baggage around with me I’m feeling as though it’s always with me and it’s on my shoulders. I just can’t stop overthinking. I’ve slept most of the day stayed on the phone to a friend and barely did anything. My friend is helping me find a private counsellor while I wait for one on the NHS. There’s not long now until my sisters wedding so that’s a huge stress and massive triggers. I’m not talking to any vuys I thought I was ready but I’m not. Once the wedding is over I can start planning things and enjoying my life with my friends again and then I have my holiday to look forward to but each day is hard to get through I’m sick of putting so much pressure on myself x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi Tuppance how are you? Please don’t feel like this. You shouldn’t apologise for being back on here. We are here to help. Break things down into sizeable chunks that you can deal with. You have a LOT that you are dealing with at one time. Divorce is very difficult let alone divorcing an abuser! Just remember that you are doing the absolute best that you can at this time. It won’t feel like it but this will make you stronger. When I have a very anxious, down day the strength that emerges the following day is immense!

The divorce is the hardest thing to get through. Take each day as it comes recognise how your mind and your body feels. Get plenty of sleep and rest. Keep things simple like easy meals so it takes the pressure off you. Try and go for a walk to get out of the house to avoid staying indoors and getting into the trap of actually not leaving the house. Listen to mindfulness videos, put Yoga music on and try and keep your house in as much natural air light as possible, buy a plant for the house and tell yourself you will love and nurture it. Love and nurture the plant and then do the same for yourself! Keep posting we are here for you xxxxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you 😊. Best thing is I was not expecting it! I’ve passed my probationary period recently but it shows what they see in me. This is my achievement and being in an abusive relationship has given me the strongest work ethic I’ve ever had. There are others in the same level of job, with higher workloads and they need assistants but they didn’t get one I did and I’ve been there the shortest out of us all in that job role. This is my success, this is my future I’m building my goals I am reaching and everything he prevented me from doing. The sky is the limit my ladies so glad I divorced him!!!! My dreams are becoming a reality and I can’t quite believe the confident, professional, integral, strong woman that I have become! Here’s to more of us! Going for a body massage today it’s a birthday gift I never got round to claiming 😊😊😊 xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you. I walked into work this week with the up,let confidence! It just came after the weekend. I am honestly so amazing I’m quite in awe of myself. I’m reconnecting with old friends making plans to see them and go away in a few weeks. I am working so so hard at work too my boss can see it and it’s giving me a good reputation at work. He hasn’t won I’m the winner! I’m starting to feel beautiful again. I looked amazing at the engagement and I’m buying some beautiful expensive jewellery for the wedding. It’s Wednesday tomorrow and I’m mid week. I also have a facial booked for Saturday I can’t wait. I’m planning to go shopping over the weekend for casual clothes. I no longer wear cheap clothes I deserve the best. I feel so much more positive and less emotionally drained after the courage I had over the weekend that I’m hoping this weekend I’m not exhausted. I also plan to cook I’ve been food shopping and I’ve planned my meals for the weekend. When did I become so amazing? Xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Ladies have I really just done this? I didn’t show myself up in any way of cause an atmosphere. I have so much love for you all and I’ve not even met you! You’re amazing! So I sliding, encouraging and loving! I have no energy at the moment for anything cleated up a bit it’s time to sleep for a bit before I decide what to do. I’m becoming so empowered in who I am and where I am that once I’ve dealt with this emotionally I’ll be unstoppable! My counselling letter came through yesterday only seen it today so I’m going to book time off work tomorrow for it. I honestly would not have been able to get through yesterday if it wasn’t for all of you supporting me and helping me! Yes my family don’t understand and my friends don’t either and they do all try and support me in other ways but you really do understand how I feel and it helps soooo much! One big event done just the lead up to the wedding and the wedding and this is all over and I’ll be able to start piecing my life together again. Girl power rules any day and I’m going to give myself the life I deserve – the life he could never give to me! I want to completely fall in love with myself and my life all over again! That’s another goal haha xxx thanks again happy Sunday 😊 another day, another week, another weekend we have got through this! X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you both! That’s really helpful I’m definitely doing that 😊. I cried myself to sleep woke up half way through the night feeling horrid but I picked myself up and I’ve contacted a voluntary organisation that gives aid relief abroad and in the UK! I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time and I’m so excited! These are my dreams, my ambitions, my goals and I’m going to go out and do them! Also, I pass my probationary period this week, I have put some more money into my savings after being paid and I’ll experience my first proper month end! My friend has also stopped fasting so I can see and spend more time with her and my best mate has just moved to London so you know that I’ll be going there a lot for weekend breaks! I’ve also found a group that visit the countryside and do activities there. I’m going to join them later today and my boss has given me my first specialist case to deal with. How am I managing to do all of this when I feel so low???? X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I’m sooo glad I did it I tore up the calendar with his face on it. I cooked and I got some makeup for myself, I got some earrings to go with an outfit for my sisters engagement and I dressed up today. His friend drove past my parents house and was STARING!!! I’m so glad I dressed up shows I don’t actually give two hoots about him anymore! When a woman looks better when she is out of a relationship it speaks volumes. None of this is a reflection on me it’s all a reflection on him! I am amazing, I look amazing because that’s who I am. I’m going to completely reinvent myself. No more cheap shoddy clothes for me only the best and I HAVE to get back in the gym and keep up my healthy eating. I’ll never let anyone take 100% from me again the only person who gets 100% is me!

Thanks @KIP I’ve learned an awful lot through this experience I’m going to become invincible. I go away end of July and also in November so I have things to look forward to again. None of this is my loss I’m grieving but it’s so strange cos I haven’t really lost anything!

@Serenity thanks for always being there 😊 And to @cuppa. @I am free I’m treating myself to a nice breakfast tomorrow I’ve bought all the ingredients and I’m going to treat myself to some new clothes! I will never ever compromise on anything for myself ever again xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

What kind of dirty man packs his underwear to five back to his wife after she leaves him??? He’s disgusting. I couldn’t bring myself to do if cos he didn’t even let me pack my stuff and leave in a dignified way he went absolutely crazy and shoved everything in bags and dropped it at my parents house! I couldn’t bring myself to go though that frenzy but now I’m glad I’ve done it and I’m wondering what I ever saw in the disgusting creep!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

(detail removed by moderator). It’s all going I feel so ANGRY what was I even doing with this arsehole!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Well done this is absolutely fantastic and inspiring 😊. You are shaping your future and I’m sure you will go from strength to strength to achievement to achievement the world is your oyster. Enjoy 😊😊😊😊 xxxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks Eve it sure is! I’m going to book myself a body massage once I’ve got through her engagement. I have a voucher to use for my birthday so it’s going to be feel even better cos it’s free 😊. I also made a shopping list and I’m going try and cook three times this week. I haven’t really cooked since I’ve come back to live with my parents so it’s an archivement for me.

I love cooking but since I married him I’ve completely given up on it. They’re all baby steps and this is healthy nutritious food I’m cooking all new recipes I find cooking relaxes me. My friend is also going through a tough time with her ex husband so I might suggest seeing her and staying over one night next weekend if she doesn’t have the kids. I know how difficult it is and focusing on those you care about can help you move away from how you feel gives you a break from it all.

I can’t see a time limit on this I just feel like I have to put one step in front of the other. There is a place in this country where I really feel like I escape from everything. I’ve found a really cheap apartment and train tickets and I’ve emailed it to my friend and if she thinks it’s a good deal I’m just going to book it. It’s a place where I don’t feel judged a place I can get away. I just have to keep doing what helps me to escape it. I still feel pretty awful, confused, deflated, heartbroken, like every part of my body aches, anxious, sick, nervous, uncertain, unhopeful x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi Sunshine and KIP. I had a shopping trip planned out of town today. I got ready and then just decided I couldn’t go. I’m drained, tired and cried so much yesterday I felt like I needed some time to rest and that’s all I’ve been doing.

Unfortunately I can’t make my excuses because I’m the only sister of the bride so my involvement in every stage of the wedding is going to be a lot. I wish I could hide somewhere in a corner but I can’t. I had family come round yesterday who wanted to discuss the engagement and we talked about me and my situation. I couldn’t talk to my parents before and spent minimal time with them but these family members helped me to tell them how I feel. They can see how difficult I find it at home and how I just need my space – their daughter too has been in an abusive relationship has a son with her husband and has moved back to her parents after decades of not living with them so they totally understand. I feel like a failure for having to move back and they helped me realise I’m not and I’m really strong to be where I am.

KIP you are totally right I am still very fragile it’s really early on and I’m picking up the pieces. I feel very high as though I’m at the top of a mountain some days and then I just crash! That’s when I can’t seem to get back up again. I feel like my head is a lot lighter since I got off that dating site it was the best decision I made. I’m trying to book more weekends away to have things to look forward to and I’m allowing myself to rest on the weekends. I work tremendously hard at work because that’s my future and when it comes to weekends I’m just shattered because holding down a full time job is so hard when you feel like this. The guy who I have seen is younger than me, we went to the same school so I sort of know of him. He knows what the score is, he knows I don’t want anything serious just someone to see now and again and he’s done absolutely nothing wrong I feel wrong for cutting him out.

Sunshine I’m going to start the freedom programme online today and I think that if you could do it it will be beneficial for you. It’s difficult to talk to family and friends because they don’t understand the complexity of it but keep posting on here it helps. I stopped and I think it’s affecting my recovery. Just allow yourself to sleep, rest, relax take time out. That’s what I’m doing again I’ve been meaning to see a film for ages no one can make it with me so I might just go myself. I’m going to try and fall in love with myself all over again. I’m happy to meet up with you if you would feel comfortable with that because I think we are at very similar stages in our recovery. Feel free to private message me if you’re up for that. Xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey both thank you for your messages. I’ll reply properly later as I just need to sleep right now. @sunshineraimflower private message me and we can arrange to meet up 😊. I feel like I need face to face contact with those who are going through the same things as me! X

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