puzzledatlife

[puzzledatlife]

Hello all
Just wanted to let you know I have started to go to the women’s aid meeting.
Actually I am amazed at the group structure. Most of the women there are like children! No wonder why they ended up with nasty men. They did look really like small girls with no sense of things like paying rent how to use money or how to organise the basic things. Most are out of work…one was saying that the ex was taking the family money but only because he has a gambling addiction…no question around what it is to have an addiction how addictions work. Some were blaming immigrants for their situation because they get the benefits and they have to struggle. But no sense of how to ensure ur own independence as a woman! I took offense really because I am an immigrant and never claimed benefits. Work two jobs and always worked two jobs. One full time and one in the evening. My idea is that if I ever go on benefit my son will have to worry about me one day. No matter what I will work and put towards a pension. Worked on all sorts…cleaning markets and studied and eventually now i work as a (detail removed by moderator). I know many immigrants like me who wouldn’t think of asking benefits because they want to work. Looked after the penny really but never ever ever on a debt! Never. So I felt partly offended at the culture of blame. Partly sorry at seeing that there are so many of us disempowered…not educated but not in the sense of schooling…not aware rather. Debt was just normal for many of them not realising that independence is possible and is good and is good for our kids too! It was like nobody ever bothered to raise these women, as in really raising them in awareness and in their potential. It was as if all of them saw themselves as destined to struggle, to take for granted that this is what life is and has to be. No wonder we end up with people who use us and make us feel s** or treat us badly if we think we are so powerless so dependent on anything that happens around us.
It’s 8 week course we’ll see how it goes as i feel a bit of a fish out of water…
X

[puzzledatlife]

Thanks all for your kind words.
Ribirth, I decided to apply to court to regulate the contact between the kids, as I didn’t want this to happen through my unstable ex. I don’t know what the judge will decide, but it is a very difficult situation. I felt option 1 shutting him and the kids off from each other (that, I didn’t want to take); 2 allow things to go at his will (that I didn’t want to continue, with kids being messed about, and myself, all the times) and 3 tell him that either we put an agreement on paper or I will seek mediation, and should that fail apply to court. He is causing a big problem for himself. (detail removed by moderator) I have really had enough of people thinking they can use women and kids, yours or theirs, as properties. I don’t feel this time round I just want to sit with my grief never seeing for at least the next 5 years a child I love and I cared for, who I took in my home and in my life as mine. This is probably not wise, but I don’t want to accept this. I thought long – if a judge says I have no rights, the kids are better off apart, OK; I will accept it. But I won’t accept the vagaries of an imbecille.
With regard to the time, I can’t do the waiting any more. Since my child was born it has been a succession of either loneliness or really bad relationships! His father left that I was pregnant – and so, my step kids gone again, birth alone, after birth alone, first crawl, first tooth, all alone with my friends. All the Christmases etc. When I finally met someone I fell in love with, that didn’t work out either. He hit my son and then hit me and I left, but it was a devastating experience (not much for the hitting but for his ups and downs and my inability to stand up for me and my son). Then I met this other one, and it was the worst of them all, by far. The relationship left me totally, totally devastated. I have kept saying to myself that it will go better and it is many years now and it is not going any better. I am so tired!
On a positive note, I did my clothes shopping! I saw a good friend for a cup of tea, bumped into my lovely neighbours in my evening dog’s stroll, and now I am ready for a good night of sleep…

[puzzledatlife]

Hi both. Thanks for sharing. I feel very sad too.
I don’t miss my ex exactly. I wonder whether I have endured the hardship of being in that relationship as this filled up a void inside me. Because now i feel that void but not because I miss him…
I will surround myself by people tonight as i know this makes me feel happier. I am more serene when I have people around.
(detail removed by Moderator) was the first Xmas and new year apart. He shut all off suddenly. I tried to take my life as the pain was unbearable. It felt like being caught in a car crash and your family has been halved. I felt a totally useless mother and I was convinced it was better for my child to be raised by my family back in my country. I have been all along a mother in pain. Yes with a good career lots of friends, very close and lovely friends, but essentially suffering because I was never able to give my son the family I had dreamed of. My brother and sister both have that family I longed for and I couldn’t see why my son should keep living under the spell of this mom in pain, huge pain, in a different country as an immigrant, in the dark and dump north speaking a language that isn’t ours. I just felt it would be best to go and let go, let him be raised by my family in a more serene setting with his cousins who he adores.
This year has been a struggle to feel safe and I have abhorred the idea of other men and relationships. Perhaps it would have helped to start a new relationship but it felt disgusting and scary.
Now the end of the year comes. I have no contact with him or his kids. One of them lived with me and we love each other dearly. (detail removed by Moderator)he switched off everything. Blocked me from all forms of contact. I don’t miss him as such, and at all I think. But it has been such an awful awful experience that the marks are there vivid and fresh like bruises. It feels sad humanity is like this. I struggle with the thought that humans are so awful at times and life seems full of unnecessary pain. Yet I don’t know any more How to make it better.
So…sorry to be depressive. So what I’ll try to do…be with people. Look after our new puppy. Cook for whoever wants to eat with us. Dress nicely for those who will host me. Log in here and just be present the way I can for those who are like me sad today X

[puzzledatlife]

Thanks both. Trying to get an answer would be good.
However the moment he blocked me from all contact because I have initiated a dispute resolution around the kids.
I have no way of contacting him and I think that if I wrote to him that his mail has disappeared he would deny it and accuse me of being malicious.
The envelopes were definitely there. They were of a specific type and colour. (Detail removed by moderator). I will mention this to the solicitor and call the helpline here too.
He definitely told me, in a message, time ago, that he was capable of breaking in into my house without leaving trace of it. He said that in another context…He wanted to retrieve some of his things while I was away on holiday. However he said he could do it very easily. I did look but there is no sign of breaking in…and yet he must have gone in and deliberately taken only those specific letters leaving the other mail addressed to him in the pile. Kip you are right in the process of this case I am noticing how many lies ha has said…but lies of such an obvious obvious nature that is unclear to me how he thinks he’s getting away with them.xx

[puzzledatlife]

Tiffany. Yes I have a wonderful relationship with my son and what makes it solid is that I am attuned to him. I follow my instinct and that is usually a good thing. Nobody can go between me and my son. Same with my friends. You are right I think I can develop good healthy and solid bonds. I am wondering why with men is difficult. I find it difficult at work too. If someome is bully I find it impossible to say “this is not ok for me”…so I am trying really baby steps. X

[puzzledatlife]

Maddog…so sorry for your awful trauma…
I am also a post menopausal middle age…you g8ve me hope that things can improve even at our age X

[puzzledatlife]

Iwantmeback sorry I reply so late. I sometimes want to push all out of my head. I found myself the same with my ex. Sitting in the garden smoking under a blanket. How did I end up with so little self respect behaving like a trapped child?! And yet I know I would still do the same…I just now begin to remember how familiar that was to me. How often I was put alone in a room and I only prayed getting some saints or my dead nanny as company. Alone with someome I love in the other room is just…basically the way I understand love.
I am trying and it is like learning to swim.
I am doing my dating training and the other day a man wrote something that made me feel uncomfortable. I replied to him this is not appropriate for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It was so good to just protect myself by listening to my instinct. Trusting I have a right to feel uncomfortable. Have a right to say so. I don’t have to make him feel comfortable. I don’t have to reassure him.
Today my mom told me something about my son. He is off videogames because I realised that without even realising it he clicked yes a number of times to things that were popping up and spent a lot of money. I realised how easily he can get groomed into things. I didn’t punish him. We talked but I said now online is over and I need to think about it. My mother got between me and him and started saying that she’ll convince me to get him back online. She then told me I have to stop and prepared a nice conversation that in her view I should have with him. I should say “I thought about it and you can get back to play online but a little less” and she even told me what tone of voice I should have…
I have a beautiful relationship with my son. I just hanged up on my mom.
I am doing baby steps but I am trying…
I agree is wonderful to have the perspective from other people who have gone sadly through similar difficulties.
A life saver xx

[puzzledatlife]

Well said Tiffany! Why taking from a partner what you wouldn’t accept in friendship. And thank you for saying things about relationships. I thought that too…particularly with my son. Sometimes I have to think things through but most of the time I just follow my instinct with him and it’s always been a good guide. Sometimes I shout too! Not often…but that’s also ok. He accepts me and I accept him. We both know that nothing can ever crack our relationship. Maybe I do have the ability to form secure stable attachment. The challenge is how to make sure i can apply this to romantic attachment too…I am so glad you are in a situation where you feel.safe now. X

[puzzledatlife]

Icandothis…this is a huge problem. Following one instinct.
I don’t know how we get there if we have been conditioned to ” think before you speak ” and that our instinct, our very basic ME is wrong…
I am sorry for what I read in your message.
I don’t see anything wrong in sex on a first or second date. The problem is how we respond to things that should instead alert us.
I am quite old. Nearly (age removed by moderator). I don’t know how I am ever going to get things better…X

[puzzledatlife]

Sunshine the idea of a log of positive validation is brilliant. I’ll start from tomorrow.
I am sorry you can relate to my experiences. I thought I’d tell you this. You say you ended up with the same men in different bodies. It is really scary. For me my abusers were totally different one from another. The first was an alpha male. Really charming super handsome super successful. Then after him I stayed away from handsome successful men. I didn’t find them attractive any more. So I ended up with someone who seemed Soooo gentle…uninterested in money in fame…someone who was attached to his family loved nature dogs cats led a super simple life…didn’t even have heating in the house just fire with logs. He would get up regularly every few hours to put logs in the fireplace to keep me warm…I thought I learnt then.
But (detail removed by moderator) months in the relationship he started showing his colours. He ended up hitting me and I ended up feeling I didn’t want to live any more. How was it ever possible that someone so gentle and loving and kind could hit my child and me??
Then chose different men and I was selective or so I thought. I ended a number of relationships that didn’t feel right. It made me feel I learned finally. Then ended up with my last partner that I described above. A man who appeared so different from the others. Fully committed to his kids.( Removed by moderator). There I saw a man who was able to put himself second who had the right priorities. Who would not let anyone down.
I didn’t question how it was that his wife ended up nearly dead. How it was that he ended up raising kids who were not his. How he ended up having a kid with another woman who also had a kid from another man and who also ended up suicidal. I saw a man who sticks to his responsibilities. I didn’t see a man who leaves a lot of destruction behind himself. I didn’t even contemplate the possibility that he was a man who is excellent at destroying units. I saw a gentle man who keeps it all together. How funny is that? Very very very different men. A alpha male self centred and highly ambitious. A Peter pan who prefers to earn 500 pounds a month and live a very simple life in the middle of nowhere with dogs and cats, a man fully dedicated to kids, regardless of whether or not they are his own…Very different men and yet I could never see the dangers. I could never see how I was changing my boundaries and ignore my needs to fit theirs. I just wanted to share this because I am learning that a man who is different is not necessarily different if this makes sense.

[puzzledatlife]

Hi Tiffany. Thanks a lot.
Yes I have seen the thread and moved me very much actually.
I have fortunately a very good circle of friends and I love spending time with them. A busy career and am trying new hobbies. Unfortunately because I have a disability I have to be careful and can’t do some of the things I would love doing and did in the past like climbing hiking…But I have managed to substitute them. I have enrolled a dance class and I hope that will be more gentle.
The problem for me is really attachment. I don’t see what I do to myself in a relationship until I have actually done it. Unfortunately my journey to recovery will be long very long because I think that one reason I have difficult relationships in this way is that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I have grown up just being beaten up for at least (detail removed by moderator) years. That was the easy part. The harder was being told I was not wanted and ugly in the outside and inside and just basically nobody could ever want me. I remember as a young girl saying to my mother “then why do I have so many friends who like me?” And she telling me “because friends never truly know you”. Remember my grandma once told me “you are a very intelligent kid”, me goimg to mom and say “you know nana told me I am intelligent?” And mom said “grandma is mistaken “. It was a constant constant thing. I run away from home at (detail removed by moderator) and missed home so much. I returned home and it was worse than ever. This has led me to have a strong sense of independence and self reliance. That is why I moved here. Didn’t speak a word of English when I arrived. Got into a (detail removed by moderator) programme without speaking one word. Completed in 3 years brilliantly. Qualified in (detail removed by moderator) in the meantime and worked as a (detail removed by moderator) and within 3 years I could speak well had a degree (detail removed by moderator) bursaries awards and permanent post. More importantly friends who have been like a family a son who adores me and with whom I have a splendid strong and serene nd secure attachment. But when it comes to be with someone I am a lost child. I don’t know anything about being a unit with another person. All the horrors come back again and again.
I don’t want my past to define me.
I want to understand the ways in which I do things to myself. For me dating now is like placing a mirror on myself. A sort of looking at my broken let on the mirror and see how much I limp or where I limp. I am very scared that I end up in another abusive relationship.
I haven’t got any dates lined up anyway. But I may post things here again as a way of mirror and self knowledge if another date comes up.
Xx huge kisses

[puzzledatlife]

You are absolutely right. I myself don’t know what is normal and struggle a lot. I am in that dynamic of…if they are ok they are not good enough (I think because I feel not good enough) and if they are problematic I risk getting caught in, as i expect to be treated in a certain way. I don’t know if this makes sense.
You are also totally right on what I would do if they show things once I am already attached. This is what happened with my ex. He was adorable for a long time. Only when he knew I was head over hills with him he showed me his place. It was absolutely horrendous. Won’t go through the details. It was filthy dirty messy dirty to a level of lack of hygiene…
A normal person would have thought: messy man, disorganised and neglectful towards the kids. U can’t raise kids in this shit. Dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes all on the floor, pets piss mould kitchen full of dirt everywhere…pans unusable cupboards full of mould etc etc.
How did I react? He seemed slightly embarrassed that his place wasn’t as nice and clean as mine. What did I feel? Sorry for him that he felt embarrassed. What did I do? Reassured I was ok with that. Stayed over and couldn’t sleep because of the bad smell. Covered my nose with a cloth to sleep. Took sleeping pills to sleep through my disgust. Asked to keep the window open and put ear plugs to sleep through the awful noise outside. Still better than the awful stinking smell inside. Put excuses as to why I would prefer him to stay at mine.
And what else? Persuaded we could get his place nice and offered to help. Spent 3 full days cleaning and tidying up. Several pairs of gloves went. Ended up eroding my finger nails with bleach.
Guess what? I was so happy. He was happy. His bathroom was without black mould first time in years. I had stabbed between tiles with the knife. I scrabbed the dirt off the walls. Emptied all cupboards fridge moved all furniture washed sofa cleaned all clothes folded them liked in nice shelves…Won’t go on you get the picture. I felt happy as very rarely I had felt. He was so grateful so happy all kids were happy.
That is as sick as i go. Only 2 months in the relationship.
I am definitely vulnerable to abuse. I totally get it.
This relationship ended many many many months ago. Years now. But it has left me deeply deeply hurt and traumatised so even if months and years have gone on the calendar they have not moved as fast in myself.
However I don’t want to get stuck in the time it was. For the first time I don’t want a partner. I guess that’s good. But I want to really get better.
Xxx

[puzzledatlife]

Tiffany you are right. My body language and instinct said Too soon, back off. When he brought this up I ended up feeling sorry for him and thinking I had done something hurtful to him. I changed my standards and my needs to match his.
I am thinking to do dating just as a way of experiment to learn what I do…I have found this really valuable.
X

[puzzledatlife]

I am not sure. I just searched for the artists way and it came out. X

[puzzledatlife]

Ladies I bought the artist way off (detail removed by moderator) at 5 pound and will read it as soon as it arrives.
Your comments have been an incredible help. Truly. I fooled myself again but need to learn.
(detail removed by moderator) he sent me a picture of him and his elderly dad. He has gone to visit him.
I texted ( removed by moderator)
It was, for me, a nice thing to say.
He didn’t respond.
That’s how my mind went…I must have upset him…probably he thought I was making an inappropriate comment…
And instead of then concluding…well bad for him. If he takes offence he’s an idiot you know What I did??
I sent another text saying  (removed by moderator). I tried to fix or prevent a possible disappointment that he may have felt.
… I suspect the only good thing about dating now for me is that it is a mirror on my vulnerabilities and makes me understand how easily I slip into lowering my standards and sending myself to accommodate someome else’s crazy reactions.
At least i am somehow very slowly getting to understand…which I hope is good.
Thanks, really this has been incredibly valuable to me Xxxxxxxx

[puzzledatlife]

To you all, thank you so much! This is incredibly helpful. Thanks.
I will read the book.
I have started hobbies but is hard with two jobs and a kid and a dog and a house all on myself.
Moreover I have a medical condition and there are things I can no longer do. But I will need to find something else…
First I’ll read the book
A huge thanks and sorry I have made some of you sad. Wish I could meet you all Xxx

[puzzledatlife]

Thanks Tiffany that’s really helpful. Particularly the observation about the man’s requests on second meeting and the two year waiting time!
Thanks a lot x

[puzzledatlife]

Bless this post nearly brought me to tears. I have learnt not to spend on myself…deep down as i feel i am not worthy of even spend my own money on myself. Tomorrow the deal with myself is to buy a bunch of flowers. From me to me. Check me out if I did and tell me off if I didn’t. X

[puzzledatlife]

I am going through the same. The difficulty for me is that the child is not my own but his so it is harder. What I have done is this. First tried to discuss with him and lots is on record on email and WhatsApp chats. Some voice messages with the child chats with him etc.
Then I applied for mediation. He didn’t show up and so escalated to the courts. At that point cafcass was involved and they looked at the evidence I had. They are very skilled. So even if I am not a parent I was listened to and it became clear that my only concern are the kids. Things I showed and played to them didn’t sound right to them. I can’t discuss the case here but the point is alienation is a very common thing sadly. I don’t know whether our exes realise consciously that they are doing it or how much damage it creates for the kids. Kids hold a process of rejection as their own but eventually they see through. My advice is to act quickly before that point happens when the child holds the rejection of their own, before reality is redescribed for them. Act quick. I found mediation and courts very quick at acting. Within 2 weeks you get through. They handle cases of alienation every day. They see through. They can help protect the kid and yourself. I know what it feels like. It is horrendous but in my opinion kids need to be protected from this. The damages of alienation are very serious in the long term so I would say act quickly and seek help. Social services or mediation either are a good start.x

[puzzledatlife]

Thanks for your words ts. I’ll look for my previous post and will look for freedom programme
Big hugs x

[puzzledatlife]

Thanks Tiffany that’s very helpful
X

[puzzledatlife]

Ps I also think it is hard for men to understand that if you work at home, the needs for your fulfilment also come mainly from home, from him and the kids. If someone has a career outside the home it is stressful because you feel you can’t let go and all is on yoir shoulder (I feel that because i am the sole supporter of my son). You feel you can never truly relax. However you have a life outside. Your workplace is where you do a good job, your clients are satisfied and that gives you a positive experience. You get a compliment and this keeps you going. You get your pay and that keeps you going. If you work at home you’re just assumed to do this and that. Seldom someome shows you how great what you have done is. How great you have made home for everyone. I think understanding this is not straightforward. Some guys needs that to be explained to them because they won’t understand it, they haven’t experience it most likely.
I really hope you both can find a way forward. x

[puzzledatlife]

Expecting to sort out a financial arrangement that feel satisfactory respectful and fair is not selfish!!
I know this is often a problem in relationship. When there is a financial imbalance sometimes it is a big strain on a relationship and whether partners are able to make that work is a good rest of a relationship. Very rarely two people earn the same and give the same contribution to childcare and house work. My sister is in the same position and though she does work when she buys something for herself with her own money she ends up feeling bad because he pays the bills and she pays for her own stuff. With my last partner I earned more and I was scared he was with me for financial support. Though he paid parts of the bills I had to manage his finances as he was really bad at it and he ended up feeling resentful and controlled. It is a big test and I understand. That’s not to say he is not at fault. I think is very hard for men to understand how hard and draining it is to look after the house and the kids and how it feels giving up your opportunities in life and your gratification outside of the house.
Therefore put any guilt on the side and focus on what it would make it better for you and then see if he can come towards you. Perhaps you could leave the kids with a friend and make time for a one to one chat over a coffee with him? I guess small steps towards you may make a big difference right now given how disheartened you feel. Xx good luck xx

[puzzledatlife]

Money is a very important matter in a relationship. The fact that you feel in this position is all that matters. I don’t know what is in his mind. Maybe he is insecure. Maybe that’s how it worked in his family. Maybe he intentionally want to exercise power over you. Until we ask what it is that others are doing I don’t think we can have an answer. What matters however is that you feel disempowered, controlled, limited, not trusted. I think within a partnership it should be possible to address these things and work as a team.
Have you said to him that you don’t feel you are working as a team on this issue and you would like things to be different? Maybe it’s also helpful to shift the question from “what is this? Abuse or insensitivity or upbringing or ….” to “what is it that would make it ok for me?” Would it help if you went back having the joint account? If you shared the kids expenses? If you put in a joint account say 70 % of your relative earnings and kept the 30 private? Presumably if you work less this means you work more in the house. Would you like him to recognise this and maybe want to put some figures as how much your family overall saves over childcare and house help costs? (When my son was small it costed me some 800 pounds a month nursery. As he was older but I worked full time it would cost 600 to pay for someone to pick up from school and stay with him till in aame home from work). A childcarer will be around 8 9 pound an h and a cleaner around 10. So that’s perhaps a conversation to be had, starting not with his shortcoming but with your needs?

[puzzledatlife]

I have had 3 relationships like these and these were the ones I thought were really going to work. With one I had a child with one I moved in together and with one I got engaged and move in together.
In my last one when he disappeared yet again for the second time I also overdosed. It helped to hear…this is a cycle of abuse and the men seem really stable and loving and then do that. In his case 3 of us ex partners ended up suicidal or attempting suicide. It helped to name this as a form of abuse.
However as the time went on I started also wondering why this is happening to me and I started to relate this to my childhood. I started thinking about my upbringing, full of physical and verbal violence. About how my mom raised me telling me openly I wasn’t wanted and nobody wanted me because I was a difficult child. About how my siblings were all fine and easy and I was unmanageable. About how she’s have had other kids if I wasn’t born the way I was. And so on…there are no photos of me at birth or as a baby or as a child. Not one. I was locked out the room when my siblings played because I was young and disruptive. I was given go a nanny to be looked after and when she died my world died with her. Then you begin to think…this rejection is all I really know. I am just the one who is impossible. I did lots of bad things in my last relationship. I was unable to leave and did turn to internet dating which he found out. He has reason to say I did bad to him too, it is true. Nothing to justify what he did to me. So abuse in my experience a first step. First you recognise it is abuse. But in my case it was an abusive relationship. Not just an abusive man. It was a dynamic that was abusive and that I looked for and reinforced by staying in it and attuning to it, surviving inside it in the way I knew, hoping some other men may drag me out of it. And that’s all because I know no other way in which love can exist.
So maybe a good way of dealing with this is not to stop at whether he is an abusive person. Of course he is. But also reflect on why we can’t leave and begin to look for less painful way to receive love, re learn love.
X

[puzzledatlife]

If you feel intimidated can you stay with a friend or ask a friend to come over?
Don’t be worried about appearing silly.
(Detail removed by Moderator) I was visiting relatives abroad. My ex had left some important document in my house after he moved out.
He asked whether he could cut the window to get in. I said no. He insisted and said it would be very easy to do that and nobody would notice. I felt really anxious about this and texted my neighbours to keep an eye and report to me or police if they saw him going to do that.
My relatives told me I looked ridiculous asking my neighbours. My relatives told me to get real. He had lived in my house and no big deal if he went in through the garden and cut the windows to get in. They said me calling neighbours was pathetic and made me look hysterical.
When I went back to my home I apologised to the neighbours for involving then and said I felt really silly.
You know what? They said i wasn’t silly at all and they understood why I was so frightened. They said they’d have done the same.
Morale…people understand and help. Even if there is no concrete and imminent danger people understand. You are not silly to be worried. You are. This is all that matters. Therefore do ask for help. Friends will be happy to help. Go somewhere where you feel you can sleep serene xx

[puzzledatlife]

I am not as strong as lots of others here and I do believe that people change. That said there are a few things really important in what you wrote.
First your daughter was happy to be home and spend time with her dad. Well done you!! It means you were able to preserve a sense of positivity in her. That she can still feel good and feel the love is a great thing in my opinion and credit to you for preserving the bond that is possible to have.
You can explain to her that some steps are necessary to make things right and be truthful without breaking all the goods that she feels. Really well done you.
Sexond important thing is your critical attitude towards the flat and the area. Again great. You are mindful about what you want for yourself and her and this isn’t good enough.
The third thing is that it is ok to be crying and feeling sad. It is sad. A bad truth is better than a good lie. Cry because it is sad and there’s no way round. You can help your daughter to cry without feeling she will worry you if she does cry. It is all easier if we are all truthful as possible in these situations.
It may be possible that your ex improves and that eventually things can get back to normal. However from your doubts it seems to me that at this point in time is best to keep building your.life your career and make new friends and connections. You should feel confident that you go back because this is what is good for you when the child, not because what you have now isn’t good. You should also not go back because you miss him. Missing someone isn’t a sign that that person is ok to live with. Maybe he’s ok to visit to spend time with but at the moment not ok to.build a life. I am single mom foreigner and with a disability and I know how hard it is to build over broken bricks. I would say try to rebuild for you so you can be in a stronger negotiating position. You will have to get to a stage where where you live feels home, where the girl has friends, you have friends, true connections, and then you will be in the position to decide what is good and whether goimg back is good, not whether you need it. Work in your own independence. From that position all. will become easier. You’ll be able to.choose. Sorry if I wrote things that are silly. Feel free to ignore if I have got it wrong xx

[puzzledatlife]

I understand the struggles of living alone with a chronic condition. I just tell you how I cope in case it helps.
I signed up as disabled at work so that gives me some flexibility to work from home. I have a son to support too so I invested in making friends. I did that through a meet up app that is free and there are many many groups for all sorts of things from book clubs to social events etc. Is a people who want to connect and is all volunteer based. For me with a young son no partner very little maintenance no contact from my child’s father and no family here (I am foreigner) has been a blessing to meet friends.
For many years I had to live in tiny places. But as i like to cook I would invite people often for dinner. Making a pizza for 5 costs about 1.50£. Eating together for me is a wonderful wa y to connect to share to talk to laugh. People appreciate being cooked for. They bring things to to share.
Even if the place was tiny and we were eating on the floor it started feeling homely. Even if I felt like a freak for being so alone and bringing up my child so differently I found people accept you more than you accept yourself.
So new friends soon becane my family. It is a bit different but still lovely. They are here for me and I am there for them if they need.
I hope this may give you some ideas of how to make things a bit more pleasant
Xx

[puzzledatlife]

Years ago I asked the same question. How can he…
My mother said…no how can he be doing this. He IS doing this.
This is the reality. What matters is not how he can do this, but that he is doing this.
Don’t worry…he’s not happy. Nobody who hurts and is indifferent to what you go through can be happy. They may look happy they can do holidays buy houses with our money etc but they are not happy humans.
People do all sorts of things. Some people lock women in the basement and enslave them. Some rape their own kids. Some are serial killers…and some of the serial killers have got wives…he is doing this and therefore you are better off without. Because you have values and sensitivity on a different level. This poor new gf is poor her…at some point my guess is you’ll start to feel a relief. I hope that time comes soon for you. In the meantime, talk here and with your close friends. Ask the same questions over again. Listen to the same answers over again and at some point you’ll feel this is is problem. He’s deficient. He lacks something you have and he’ll never be a complete serene person. X

[puzzledatlife]

So…He is a colleague but I met him through a dating app. He, like me, is a foreigner. He moved here not a long ago but long enough to know the city and nice places. He is a senior at the top of his career. Divorced with one child who lives in his country with mom. He showed me photos of the kid and she is lovely. He seems very intelligent. He makes a lot of interesting and pertinent observations about things. He has courtesy opens the doors pays for the drinks and proposes things to do. All of these seem to me nice qualities.
The first thing that alerted me was that after we met the first time he asked if we could chat on the phone. That night I was very tired and had had a long day. I said I am home and free to talk but i am very tired so if we chat tonight you may have to bear with me being a little tired. Something like that. I’d have expected him to say Ok don’t worry shall I give you a ring in the morning? Or Ok is it Best for me to call another time? He just rung. But then it was a nice and short chat so I was ok.
Then we met for a coffee and then we walked at an exhibition we both wanted to see. Every now and again he would put a hand on my arm or shoulder. I didn’t mind once or twice but he was going this quite often. When we walked out he said he needed to tell me something. He said, precisely, I like you but I am getting mixed messages from you.
We spoke a bit about how he felt and I said I was sorry I had made him feel uncomfortable and didn’t mean to push him away. However I am slow and want to take my time to get to know someome well. I also said i don’t want to string people along but I need to get to know a person well now. He said he completely understood and he also was looking for someone to be his best friend first.
The following day we met for a coffee and he said he had been thinking about his reaction at what he perceived as me pulling away at his affectionate touch. He said that he dated this woman and after 6 weeks it became evident that she had very strong religious inhibitions and he had started to care for her very much and felt she hadn’t been totally honest.
I laughed very much. I could just imagine the scene…I said I don’t see myself in a platonic relationship. A relationship has to have sex and good sex otherwise is no relationship. But I want to know the person first. And I would like that to happen organically and without one pushing or being on a waiting mode. If that’s the case id rather keep the friendship.
We spoke a bit about this and he said he was grateful for our chat and that perhaps he needs to consider slowing himself down.
I said that we said what was in our mind and we could drop this topic and just go out and get to know each other. He said he agreed.
One thing that bothered me slightly is that I said We have only met once. And he said for me is not the amount of time that matters but the quality of the time, the connection the chats we have when we talk. I know he was just saying what it was for him but it felt he wasn’t acknowledging fully that for me 1 time is 1 time and I don’t make anything big of 1 meeting.
Thanks for your help X

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