RedGiraffe

[RedGiraffe]

Book is called ‘living with the dominator’ for those not aware of the book and it’s been a helpful and insightful read.

[RedGiraffe]

How do you get a Claire’s law on someone? Is it only people who have been reported to police? For example I never reported my abuser to the police therefore does that mean there’s nothing I can do to stop it happening to another poor unsuspecting woman?

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense or sounds silly… I don’t really know the process but I don’t like the idea of a Claire’s law coming back their clean because I didn’t disclose or report to police

[RedGiraffe]

Hi, I’ve just gotten out of a situation very much like yours! I ended the relationship and he stayed on my sofa for a while (a lot longer than I had anticipated).
I opened up to my GP who then referred me to a support worker (who has been amazing emotional support for me). I took a bag of things (docs, clothes, children’s things) to a safe place so I had a quick exit should I need it – I would suggest this as leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for us!
I then gave him a deadline! As this date neared I could see he still wasn’t going anywhere so I started looking at my options to leave and found somewhere to private rent – he realised this and moved himself a few days later, therefore I have kept my house. I’m not saying all situations go through quite like this and Altho it took longer than I wanted it also went more smoothly than I expected!

We’ve also kept things friendly so the sake of children – this has shown sometimes difficult as it does allow access back into my head, but I’m stronger now and I know the signs and I’d like to think I wouldn’t fall for it again, but it’s still early days!

I wish you all the best, I just wanted to comment my situation as it was very much like yours x

[RedGiraffe]

This is amazing news! Enjoy the freedom and enjoy your future!

[RedGiraffe]

I believe we care because we’ve been conditioned that way!
I have recently ended my relationship and even more recently he has moved out!
It took a while to get to the actual conversation of ending the relationship and then even longer for him to except it and move!

I guess, if I was honest, I was building up to the separation long before it physically happened – no sex, no admiration, just little hints and steps that set the tone of where it was going.
Then when the time came ( I knew it had because of a particular incident that had happened which crossed my final line) we were sat down and I said that I didn’t want the relationship anymore and he didn’t even fight it, he didn’t openly care (at the time he does care – or pretend too now).

It then took a little while longer for him to physically move and constant asking when on my part. It took me giving him a timeline that I wanted him out from and then as that date got closer and nothing had happened I made plans to leave and then he finally left! (My situation regarding housing differs to yours however).

It’s hard, I said on one of my posts that I thought the hardest thing I had ever done was end the relationship but then it turned out the hardest thing was actually telling my child! Even now tho that I’m ‘free’ I’m still suffering from guilt, longing for the good pets, mourning the future I had planned – the list goes on!

In regards to plans – is there someone you can leave a bag with containing important documents, clothes for you (and children if necessary). This gives you a Quick exit if you need it, I still have my ‘safety bag’ (as I call it) at my ‘safe’ place! This way if problems occur you can leave without having to gather any resources! Leaving a relationship seems to be the most dangerous time for us women 🙁

I wish you all the best and I hope some of this has made sense – I was trying not to include anything that would be removed!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you girls, I wish things were more normal (no COVID) so I could just get out and get doing things but I’m so full of aniexty around the virus that I’m nervous about everything… I will start slowly – a shopping trip, a coffee, a meal, cinema etc…

I’m looking forward to the future tbh and I don’t want my insecurities of being thought of as ‘weird’ or whatever to stop me enjoying things I love – just because I’m by myself!

[RedGiraffe]

I completely understand this! I am new out and I’m still having contact but I find I’m wearing what I want too, I’m looking the way I want too (make up or no make up, hair up or down). I’m exercising (for me)… but I guess I just want him to see me happy! I think that’s going to be the biggest kicker to him – my happiness!

Seeing that I don’t NEED him! I never did! I wanted him but never needed him! But now he’s going to see that!

My career, my house, my parenting, my style, my hobbies… all mine and what is going to make me happy now!

[RedGiraffe]

I guess for me it was fear? Fear of leaving him? I have no idea why… I already was supporting myself financially, I already took care of all the child care and house keeping… he didn’t really offer emotional support either!

Maybe it was habit! After so long together! I still don’t exactly know why it’s taken so long to get to this stage!
When we met I was shy, unsure of myself and reserved but somehow even through all the pain and heartbreak I’ve endured in his ‘care’ and company I’ve ended up stronger, more confident and more outspoken than before and for that I am grateful!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, LO recovered quite quickly today so hopefully understanding and acceptance won’t be far behind the actual act of ‘him’ moving out!

Thank you @eggshells for your kind words xx

[RedGiraffe]

Are you entitled to legal aid? Have a look into it!

[RedGiraffe]

I haven’t any advice but I just wanted to say I completely get this! I think it depends on the relationship they had with your child throughout your relationship!
My child’s grandparents (his side) has never bothered… only at ‘special’ events during the years but nothing day to day. They don’t phone or text to ask how little one is, isn’t invited to places, makes child feel guilty when they don’t want to see them (because they don’t really know them). Rather give presents than time! I’ve asked for their help and support but the answers always been no!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting mine go to them mainly because they don’t know them, so it would be more distressing than not!

I wish they had been as supportive as wants to helps have been! In that kind of relationship I wouldn’t have a issue and would welcome the help and support but unfortunately it’s not always the case!

[RedGiraffe]

First off, please don’t feel like this is your fault – it isn’t! I know this is so hard not to and I myself have self blamed many times!
I have experienced many of the things you have mentioned above; the stress headaches, the sick feeling in your stomach and the trying everything possible to make sure you don’t ‘trigger’ another bout of abuse! It’s no way to live! I’d like to say I’m out now… however I’ve ended my relationship but he’s still living under the same roof – like you tho we sleep separate and have done for a while before the relationship was formally ended!

The apology after the incident and then followed by positive behaviour ( making of breaks fast and dinner, the suggestion of going away together) is a part of the cycle! They manage to convince you in this stage that there’s no reason to fear anymore so you let your guard down only for it to happen again – in my personal experience it’s been worse everytime 🙁

I also believe that couples counselling together is NOT recommended within a relationship where there has been abuse (I’m sure the other girls can clarify more on this) I too tried to convince mine to go to counselling believing it would help (we never did) however since being on this forum and talking to the other girls I can see it was for the best we never went!

I’m so sorry your in this position, of course no one can tell you what you should do – however even if we don’t want to admit it I’m sure we know what we need to do! It’s a long road! Best of luck xx

[RedGiraffe]

Looking back, I wish I had left when I was pregnant or when baby was little. At this point I didnt even know it was an a his W relationship (I ignored all the signs). When baby was born things got worse and yet I still stayed, still defended him!
Fast forward years later and I’ve finally found the courage to tell him it’s over! But he’s still here, I still have to live with him and now our ‘baby’ is a child who understands what’s happening around them, who sees and hears things as much as I try to shield them!

But hindsight is a blessing and a curse! If I could go back and tell my past self something it would be to leave a lot sooner than I have!

Wishing you all the best and you can only do things when your ready!

[RedGiraffe]

I’m in the same situation! He’s trying to win me back, trying to tell me he’s changed, he’s friendly now, he interacts with the children, goes out of his way to help me… but every now and again he will say something or do something and as you said the mask slips!

I too feel more relaxed – habits I did out of comfort have stopped or declined! I feel I can do what I want, dress how I want, speak to who I want, even clean when I want!

I’m glad this thread helped you too… guilt has been extreme, especially when I was planning forever!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you!

It’s still early days for me and I know I’ve made the right choice – I can feel it! I’m less stressed, less worried, I’m not freezing or jumping as much, bad habits I used as comfort have declined, I’m more me!
But I too am suffering with the aftermath! Some days are harder than others, but I’ll get there!

Wishing you all the best!

[RedGiraffe]

This is where I was when I had to end the relationship, he’s wanting to try again and saying he’s changed (he hasn’t, not enough time has passed for him to even notice everything he did never mind sort through it and work on himself). I tried everything I could, which is why I asked about this thinking was there something I didn’t try. But I don’t want to try anymore I just want someone to love me properly!

[RedGiraffe]

Wishing you all the best for going ahead and the future! This forum has really helped me too!

[RedGiraffe]

🙁 it really does sound like even mentioning there is a programme would be a waste of time! I’ve left him but I guess I was still looking for some hope – I’ve been getting the whole want to get back together already and tbh I’ve not been swayed as I know I want the good parts (the parts that weren’t really real, the parts I envisioned for the future).

I haven’t heard of the freedom forever programme… I will have to take a look thank you. I haven’t completed the freedom programme only read the book so far.

[RedGiraffe]

I’ll make a note of this book! Maybe in time I will be ready to read it!

[RedGiraffe]

Mine also went to the doctors who gave him anti depressents and apparently after he explained our sitaution and the pending relationship breakdown the doctor replied “it’s no wonder your acting this way”, I was shocked! Surely a doctor shouldn’t be defending abusive behaviour – of course he probably made it sound less than it was and me more crazy!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, I’ve already left him but it’s something I had heard of and wondered if it could ‘help him’ but I guess that’s not my responsibility anymore… I think I’ve been holding onto a small possibility of change still! 🙁 why is it so hard!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you so much! It’s so nice to hear from someone who shares the same interests! My area aren’t hosting any open ones that I know of but I will keep checking!
Mine would come with me but didn’t enjoy the experience like I do but things like the cinema it wasn’t allowed to be a movie I wanted to watch unless it was of mutual interest … im looking forward to seeing a lot more films.

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you for this! I think I just let him back into my head and I need to keep strong and keep going! It’s going to take some time, I just wish things were more simple! And we could all have that fairytale ending!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you x

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, yeah I am itching to get on with life now… if it was a ‘normal’ summer I would probably go to the beach or for a walk in the woods but now the beaches are too crowded and places are shut so even if I went for a walk in the woods I wouldn’t be able to stop anywhere if I needed! Eugh! Hopefully soon 🙂

I’m exercising but not as a group, maybe once things open back up I will look into joining a group 🙂

[RedGiraffe]

That’s the thing, things are still not open or I don’t feel safe/comfortable doing the things open – sigh!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, I love the hotel idea… I will try this one day! I guess it’s because I’ve never had to do things on my own from the age where I was old enough to go and do things I was already with him and time passed from there! I’m looking forward to things such as doing what I want to do just because I want to do it, I think if things were different now/ normal (no COVID) I would feel better but I suppose to just have to get on. Thank you.

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you very much!x

[RedGiraffe]

That’s exactly the conversation I’ve been having with them in my head! Thank you, at least I know I’m on the right track… I wasn’t going to go into all the gory details (not like they haven’t been around and witnessed more than I would like). I hope it goes well – I’m a worrier… little ones become clingy to dad too in last few weeks (never was before) so I believe they know already!
I have another meeting with my support worker coming up soon and I think we are discussing children next time so I may wait just a little bit longer until I’ve discussed ways forward!

Thank you xx

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you xx

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