RedStrawberry

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks for your replies. Yes I think I will try writing if it continues. I will look into other dv support too. Oh yes the smirk I’ve definitely not missed that. I was terrified but I don’t want him treating my kids the way he treated me and have them think that behaviour is acceptable. It is so difficult @tryingtosleep to concentrate on things now everything just seems to overwhelm me now. But yes you are correct I am free and I will deal with the demons he has left me with

[RedStrawberry]

Yes I struggle, I had no idea about emotional abuse till my ex turned physical and it led me to the live chat on here. I realised for the first time I wasn’t going crazy that it wasn’t me that had a problem.

Footballfan1 I agree it is the mental stuff that has had the worst affect on me. It has seriously affected my judgment and trust of people. He made me question friendships that I’d had before I met him by (i know now) lying about them.

[RedStrawberry]

I had no idea how bad things were until he’d gone so I totally get the confusion. I think you’ll find lots of ladies on here who will say the same, me included, they’re not nasty all the time or we’d realise what was going on sooner. My ex could be amazing and make me feel like a princess one day then the next calling me horrific names because I’d done something like left the milk out. I didn’t know what emotional abuse was until I found this forum and realised that I’d been living on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, scared of voicing my opinion incase he disagreed and it triggered an argument. I’m sure you’ll receive some good advice from here and keep posting

[RedStrawberry]

Hi worrierwoman welcome to the forum. I hope you find it as useful as I have. I could’ve written your post almost word for word in the past. My ex was the same in arguments had to be “right” even if he wasn’t, never apologised. Would be me apologising for whatever I’d supposed to have done wrong but I never knew what it was. He was always the one to end the argument, and the first time and only time i did he turned physical on me for the first time after it only being verbal threats before. I realised then he’d crossed the line. I knew I felt rubbish and like I was going crazy but I had no idea why till I was pointed to this forum.

So what I think I’m trying to say is what others have said on here if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Your not to blame. Your not the one with the problem he is.

I also suffer from anxiety and he didn’t support me either. He actually made fun of me when I had a panic attack (sometimes caused by his behaviour). Funnily enough I’ve not had one since he left and I feel the calmest I have in a long time.

Ive realised now that partners should feel like they’re equal in a relationship and that should mean listening to one another and at least respecting the others opinion even if they don’t agree. Not feeling that you were going to cause an argument if you did disagree about something

[RedStrawberry]

Bananaboat absolutely spot on, I thought the same he’s helping me build my confidence and there’s definitely some good experiences I never would have had without him. Its so clever how they do these things that a normal supportive partner would and lull you into a false sense of security but then twist them for their own benefit.

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks for all your replies it is making me more aware of things to look out for in the future. It is funny how they are all similar. Yes i forgot the the confidence/cockiness and the telling stories. He would retell a story that I had told him and pretended it was him or someone he knew. And bananaboat the driving thing that didn’t become evident for a while but on more than one occasion he’d pull over and threaten to kick me out of car or if we were close to home he’d just get out leave me (thankfully I could drive) but it was normally because I had disagreed with him over something silly. He was very critical of other people in general especially any friends I could see regularly.

Eyesopening its interesting you mention boundaries as for a while he did respect them, but then he would encourage me to push my boundaries (which in some respect was good) but its like he took advantage of that trust and used that for his benefit.

[RedStrawberry]

I am worried about this too even though mine are only little. They idolise their dad at the moment as its all give them as many sweets as he can and let them stay up late. I’m wondering when the change will happen and he can’t control his sly digs and comments. He’s already blamed one of them when they had an accident in his care, ignoring his involvement in the situation. I know one day they will ask and I’ll have to be honest that he got violent with me but that’s the easy part to explain I think it’s the years of mental stuff (that no doubt they will have to experience from him at some point) that’s going to be hardest to explain but I want them to be aware that these men exist and its not acceptable.

[RedStrawberry]

Hi supporteachother I could have written that almost word for word. The constant blame, the everything their way. The anger and frustration. The anxiety especially that part. My ex has been gone a while now and almost overnight the anxiety went. I’d had it on and off for years before I met him but I didn’t realise that it was his behaviour that was making it so much worse. In fact I think he used to enjoy doing things that would increase it so he had a reason to have a go at me. This went on for years and eventually I walked away from an argument instead of trying to stand my ground only for him to follow me and turn physical. I never thought he’d actually hurt me but I was wrong because the problem was him not me. Sending massive hugs and here to chat

[RedStrawberry]

Me ex would do the same, tell a completely different version of the same event. He would always change it by taking out his bad behaviour blaming it all on me. It made me think I was going crazy and he’d accuse me of gaslighting him! He was always use stuff I told him against me too. I think they just like playing games and watching us suffer as it makes them feel good. And what is it about everything having to be their idea or its not a good one? I rember sharing an idea about something and him totally dismissing it only for maybe a year later him having exactly the same idea and then denying I’d ever said anything.

My kids are only young and already he’s not putting their needs first when he has them. I’m dreading when he starts on them with the criticisms and making them feel not good enough cos I know he won’t be able to help himself.

I’m guessing he doesn’t like it cos YOU’VE made the decision not him. Youve taken some of his control. My ex would make life changing decisions without discussing them he’d just tell me that’s what was happening and ignored any concerns I had or got angry cos I disagreed. Whereas I had to justify any little thing i did.

Well done for staying strong and sticking to you guns

[RedStrawberry]

My ex was the same, constantly putting his hand down pj’s and when I’d tell him to stop he would sulk and continue til he’d had enough. He’d say similar it’s cos you’re so sexy etc but I found it repulsive and definitely not the turn on I think he wanted it to be. The funny thing is early in our relationship he would stop when asked but as the years passed it was as if I wasn’t even speaking.

[RedStrawberry]

I had no idea about this til someone on here mentioned it a few months ago. My ex would complain that we didn’t spend enough time together on an evening (he worked til early hours on some shifts) then hed go out friends instead of staying in with me. What I did notice is when he did stay in he would either expect sex or he would get drunk. Those nights when I would say I was going to bed he would start telling me how much he loved me etc cos you always tell the truth when drunk or ranting about something irrelevant for hours. By this time I would be exhausted and still would have to get up in the morning to get kids to school while he could stay in bed til he either went to work in the afternoon or had the day off. He then had the cheek to complain I’d wake him up when the alarm went off because I’d not woken up before it like usual as I’d been up hours later than usual. He would the tell me what a good conversation we had night before and how we’d reconnectd etc.

[RedStrawberry]

Those questions are exactly what went round in my head when my ex left after becoming physical. I knew something was ‘wrong’ with me due to the way I was feeling but I had no idea it was due to his behaviour. I totally agree about being free of the mind games and anxiety. I’ve not had a panic attack since he went and they were quite a common occurance. I’ve blocked out alot of things too but I often questioned my memory of events as he would deny they’d happen or remember it totally differently so he didn’t come across as the bad guy. Im dreading Christmas as I don’t know what his expectations are in regards to the kids as he never thinks about whats best for them first.

[RedStrawberry]

I can totally relate to this. And if I asked what was wrong I’d get along the lines of you know what you’ve done. When I hadn’t got any idea because I’d not done anything. I was constantly apologising trying to calm him. It took me a long time to realise his actions didn’t match his words. He then would say I was the moody one as I would get so frustrated at his behaviour when he said he’d do something and it wouldn’t get done or wed plan a night in then hed say he was going out with friends instead then complain we hadn’t had enough sex (hard when you’ve not actually seen each other). I don’t miss this part but I’m still missing the ‘nice’ him.

[RedStrawberry]

Hi ocean. Thank you for your reply. They do get into your head don’t they? I find it helpful that on here people understand as my friends who have never experienced DA don’t get it. They try to sound like they do but then they’ll make a comment that’s meant to be helpful but it actually isn’t.

I do have some good friends and I’ll ask them. I hate the way he’s reduced my confidence to zero. I always thought I was empathetic but he used to say I wasn’t and that I was selfish. It really upset me as I never did anything for me everything was for the kids. But he went out with his friends at least once a week (normally more) with his friends often at short notice with no consideration for me or the kids.

[RedStrawberry]

Thank you all so much for your replies, that makes sense it being his version because when we were together he’d remember previous events totally different to what happened normally forgetting anything that made him sound bad. I definitely ended up with severe anxiety and thought I was going crazy and that just seemed to make him more annoyed and amused at the same time. He still playing games around the kids now I just want it to stop

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