Shipoffools

[Shipoffools]

Thank you for your message here to help.

Yeah it is difficult- wanting them to have knowledge without hurting them further….

I do have a good relationship with them both now they’re adults. I’m alot more laid back & open minded than their Dad so they levitate towards me with any life problems. They only call in & see their Dad at Christmas or birthdays. They’ve learned not to tell him too much….

Best wishes to you

And best wishes to TS, Maddog & Eyeswidesopen

[Shipoffools]

TS, again thank you for your brilliant reply. I loved your mention of cognitive dissonance & I agree how conflicting it is to feel scared of a ‘loving’ parent.

(Ironally I was scared of my mother, growing up, she was emotionally abusive – it led to low confidence. I didn’t recognise red flags or know what healthy boundaries were!)

When my kids were teens & I was separated fm my ex, I would use news headlines to start up conversations (without saying ‘your Dad does that….’)

The kids definitely had fear of his threats – the glances, the ‘don’t push me too far or you’ll regret it’ threats & aggressive body language towards them as they became bigger teens.

Eyes wide open, I think you’ve done a good thing to always be honest – looking back after we’d left him, I tried to shield the kids fm what was going on….then I began to panic when I realised my ex was using his contact time to question the kids about me – who I was seeing, where I was going (I knew he was bc he’d send me texts with details in) I informed my divorce solicitor also but they weren’t concerned. The kids were definitely brainwashed into telling him everything – no lies (so I stopped telling them things tht would be of interest to him).

My now adult children would not consider themselves to have been emotionally abused. But I know they were bc of the reading I’ve since done on DV & on human psychology.

[Shipoffools]

Thank you maddog. Sorry to hear about you’re past experiences too. Good luck with everything.

Thanks again TS for your lovely reply, too.

Thanks both for your advice. I am currently on a (very long) waiting list for some free local counselling to talk through my above question.

I agreed, views have changed re DV over the last 20yrs (in the right direction) now it’s realised DV efforts children (without violence towards them). My ex sulked, had road rage, would interrogate us – he insisted on knowing every detail & he would re-pquestion to try catch me or the kids out!! He said he hated lies & always wanted us to tell him the truth – which he would later use against us at punishment!

(Ironally – I caught him having an affair, which gave me the courage to end the marriage. Not until afterwards did I do the Freedom Programme, boy my eyes were opened up!)

[Shipoffools]

Thank you TS for your reply – lots for me to look into and think about there…

Thank you Maddog for your reply.

My dilemma is not being able to speak my truth to my adult children –

If I say I was in a DV relationship I fear spoiling the great relationship I have with them…(my truth is too uncomfortable for them)

If I don’t mention it I feel I am endorsing DV is OK & something tht shouldn’t be talked about..(Which I totally disagree with)

My adult children do not see their other parent as a perp of DV, they have felt his control on them when they were children & as teens but he was never physically violent to them, they are afraid of him though. He’s strict. They knew to behave for him.

The perp (my ex-husband) was violent to me but not in front of the children, it was usually when he wanted sex & I said no.The perp specialised in psychological abuse – mind games, gaslighting etc.

[Shipoffools]

Thank you for your advice maddog. My children are adults. Is there a certain way to talk about DV tht happened to adults connected to the perp?

I’ve been safely away fm DV for a long time & I no longer blame the perp, I understand they had a traumatic upbringing. (They choose negative ways to deal with their pain bc they knew no better.)

[Shipoffools]

I think your post says it all. You have moved on. With social media it’s easy for others to find us…that’s all that’s happened. If this person was a true solid friend she’d be in your life now. I’d say leave the past behind.

[Shipoffools]

Sending best wishes to you. Is it possible to do some one to one fun things he likes, with him outside the house?

Reconnect with him & enjoy new shared pleasurable experiences together?

It will help to build up a stronger connection to eachother again. I’d kept conversation light & really listen to what he tells you about his life & his feelings which will help guide you to understand him better.

[Shipoffools]

TS thank you very much for continuing to read my posts & for your advice. (detail removed by Moderator). It has triggered me to want to get this damn secret out in the open & out of the way, for a fresh new happy chapter….I was always an honest & open mum, but I chose to kept my domestic abuse fm my children to protect them, because I knew my husband denied it & I knew the children would be stuck in the middle getting their heads damaged in the process not knowingwhat to believe….so I took one for the team so to speak. I think I probably need a bit of counselling (I’ve had some in the past). I have felt keeping this secret inside has stopped me being as emotionally close to my children as I wanted. I’ve had to keep a guard up.
I honestly don’t know what my children heard when we were married. They certainly knew dad could be very grumpy, slamming doors, banging thing down etc (they didn’t know it was because he wanted sex & it was his way of blackmailing me into it. He knew I didn’t like the negative atmosphere around the boys,so I’d give him sex to stop his grumpy behaviour). He only phsyically & sexually abused me in our bedroom at night, when the boys were asleep in their own bedrooms.

Hazydays I was a huge (detail removed by Moderator) fan! Thank you for your advice. The last thing I want to do is hurt my boys, too. That’s why I’m worrying about my unburdening hurting them. They lived with him, without me there for (detail removed by Moderator)yrs & they’ve told me he was controlling, they had no freedoms in their teens years. But once they got to (detail removed by Moderator) he wanted them to move out. Covid lockdown bought them a couple for uncomfortable years but once things opened up they had to leave. (detail removed by Moderator)….

[Shipoffools]

My ex husband never let up gathering information fm the children & he waited til my youngest child got to the age old enough to choose which parent they want to live with (detail removed by Moderator) He’d especially convinced the elder child of the fantastic life he would have if they went to live with him & his new wife. I never mentioned my abuse on our (detail removed by Moderator) wknd contact, time was too precious & their life was controlled so they told him everything & again I feared loosing all contact. Only since both young adult children have left his home have I felt some relief they are finally away & safe. (detail removed by Moderator). One has told me he bitter regrets going to live with their Dad the other has said he never chose it was the judge who decided for them…

[Shipoffools]

Thank you TS for taking time to read & reply, yes it’s been a few years since I was last here….
I never discussed what happened to me with my 2 children, after we left (fled) my husband as they were pre teen age & I’d been raped & physically abused so not really child suitable conversation. Plus so much else was going on like finding a new home, new schools, a new job etc in a new area…I had told of my abuse to my divorce solicitor & to cafcass & my husband had strongly denied it & I was afraid if I mentioned anything to my boys & it got back to my husband (as he was questioning them in his contact time) that courts or solicitors would take a dim light of me for telling our children without ‘proof’….

[Shipoffools]

Hi TS, just wondered how you’re getting on? Read your above post…I’m so glad you’re still having contact with the child whose gone to live with their father.

I hope the atmosphere in your home is easier now and you feel calmer? I can’t take credit for the ‘on your terms’ statement btw, KIP mentioned it in her post first lol but it’s really good advice (KIPs advice is always good)…we can’t be door mats, not even for our children, they must learn to respect us and our wishes. We are survivors after all not victims!! They may have seen their fathers treat us without respect but that’s not how it should be or how it is now…

Take care warm wishes xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi why me,

So glad you found this forum, there are lots of ladies on here who have great advice and plenty of experience of being in an abusive relationship. Reading your post reminds me of myself when I first got with my ex husband. It started as jealousy and nasty digs at me and it got worse. I wanted everything to be perfect too, I ignored the red flag behaviour and married him and had two children with him. I fled him a decade on and I would have gone a lot sooner if I hadn’t had children.

You are being abused definatley. And you need to make plans secretly to leave this person for your own safety and well being. He is not treating you in a respectful way, pushing and hurting you, speaking nastily to you and withholding your income are all common forms of domestic violence. You truly deserve better my love…so you can find someone who loves and cherishes and supports you too xx

[Shipoffools]

Morning ladies, yes DIYmum I’m fine thank you. And it helps to know I’m not alone (sadly).

TS when my boys lived with me, my eldest bless him, would sing like a canary to his dad when he went to see him. I knew he was because my ex would send me texts after he’d returned them home to me, to tell me (to prove to me their loyalty to him, I guess?)…and sometimes I’d be angry with my boys for telling dad stuff…which only fed the situation further with their support for their dad – as dad was telling the boys they should be able to tell him anything! And obviously this made the boys feel very important and they loved that feeling, who wouldn’t? For years they’d longed for a closer connection with their dad….and now they had that…(even tho he was manipulating them).

I asked my boys not to keep telling dad stuff but it’s hard for children/teens not to. And my ex was good at slyly getting info out – as he used to do it to me… So as children they didn’t stand a chance really. Unfortunately I didnt realise it was abuse, I probably told my divorce solicitor and there might have been a letter sent to ex but it didn’t stop him. I remember consciously starting to not tell the boys things so they couldn’t accidentally tell dad when they saw him, but it’s hard living like that….xx

[Shipoffools]

Gosh ladies…mums…I’m so sorry to hear there are more mums like me who have ‘lost’ their children to the DV abuser (father)…

TS how are you doing today? Sorry I’ve not been on for a couple of days.

Newwings and DIYmum my heartfelt thoughts go out to you both too. I miss my children everyday. They left a few years ago now. They are young men now. They still live with their father. They are brainwashed. I do see them every (detail removed by moderator), overnight. And I texted them everyday and ring twice a wk.

To answer yr question TS. I protected/sheltered my lads fm a lot of the DV – the sexual and the violence if I refused. The jealous behaviour. The threatening behaviour. I’ve wondered about telling them about it…leaving out the graphic details, but I think at the moment they’re too brainwashed and it would backfire on me as they wouldn’t (want to) believe me. So I’ll wait. It eats me up at times this guilt shame and regret (of losing my children)…but I need to stop because me punishing myself Is not loving myself and I’ve been sad long enough. Learn a lesson fm me and don’t do the same xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there,

Firstly don’t panic…but do be pro action…go get legal advise ideally with a solicitor that understands DV (don’t be afraid to ask when you book an appointment) and keep records and gather any proof of ex’s DV behaviour towards you/you’re children.

This evidence builds a case to be used against your ex showing the courts why he isn’t safe to have shared parenting…

Courts cost money, hopefully he will loose interest and not want to pay thousands to take you to court….to get an order for shared parenting.

But gather your evidence just in case….then you have it ready…courts like to see evidence of actions they aren’t keen on word of mouth as its not actual proof unless it’s coming from an independent witness…luck good xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there TS, how are you feeling today? I know it’s extremely difficult loosing our childrens mind and/or body to the DV abuser…it feels like torture to a loving kind parent…

You don’t deserve any of this – that is happening or has happened. No one of sound mind would choose to be in a DV relationship. Some of us had bad examples of what love is as girls and some of us fell in love with men who seemed perfect to begin with only to change….

Follow the advise given to look after yourself first, you have been through enough all ready…you can teach and inform your children as best you can but they don’t always listen…sometimes they have to learn the truth the hard way and as a parent that’s hard to see, we just want to protect them…if your child leaves and goes to live with the DV father – keep communication open, on your terms….time will reveal the truth to your child, at the present time they are in denial….you know the truth already….warmest wishes Xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there, I don’t have any answers but I’ve been through similar with my two sons, especially the eldest one. (They are young adults not). In the months leading up to them going, before the court case, to live with their Dad and new wife my eldest got very cocky with me, he knew he had his Dad’s power behind him you see. It was an horrible situation, I so didn’t want him or his brother to leave and go live back with their DV Dad but neither did I want to be controlled by my son…after all the reason I’d left the DV home/marriage with my children…to save us so to speak…give us a better happier life.

I remember my eldest saying to me his Dad is strong and I are weak…and other chilling things….it was a horrible time I felt so powerless and I agree it’s a taboo subject and I still blame myself for not reporting my ex before I left him for his abusive behaviours. Then maybe just maybe my children wouldn’t have been so drawn to go back and live with him…who knows…xx

[Shipoffools]

My children are brainwashed too, they are young adults now, they both live with their Dad (they lived with me when I first left him, but he brainwashed them back with false promise in their teens). They don’t like upsetting him, they do as they are told. My children don’t live locally to me, (I moved to my home town when I left the DV marriage) so they can’t pop round through the week for tea etc…I see them every fourth weekend, even though they are adults and working – because they don’t want to upset Dad…he likes this routine!! Occasionally I’ve had to change the weekend around (if I’ve had plans) and the boys say Mum don’t go upsetting Dad…

It’s not normal behaviour is it? I’m hoping as they can afford to move out ( & they’d both like to) they will question why Dad was so inflexible…(controlling) xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there

I’ve skimmed through the messages…I’d just like to add PLEASE don’t feel bad about changing your mobile number and making your ex have to contact you through the proper channels….it is totally the right thing to do. Your ex partner is and has been abusive, that is why you have left him and by changing your number you are stopping him upsetting you further. And you are protecting your children too. Remember you need to be healthy – mind and body to look after your children.

I wish I’d changed my number much sooner. He kept sending threatening messages and angry calls. I would reply. Thinking I could calm things. I never realised I had rights, a right to leave, rights not to be abused by text msgs and angry calls. I wouldn’t have allowed any one else to treat me like that. I thought I was being a good mother keeping contact open….because of our children.

The abuser knows that and they use that to continue control….xxx

[Shipoffools]

Reading your first post above lost again reminds me of my ex husband and the cuckoo conversations we had….especially nearing the end of our relationship…when he was getting really weird, he could feel he was loosing control of me….I was getting stronger and I didn’t care anymore…non of his threats scared me more than the thought of continuing a relationship with him!!

Good luck and keep posting xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there, I like TWs advise…just change locks and inform him, don’t bother meeting him at all…it’s much safer not to. And do inform the police too just in case you need them further down the line..hope all goes well, let us know if you can xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there ladies….its a long time ago now but I’m considering reporting my ex husband for raping me too. He started doing it just after my first son was birth and continued regularly up until I fled him….so it happened lots of times….sometimes he’d force himself on/in and sometimes he’d wait til I was asleep, I’d wake up and he’d be doing it….I never realised it was rape. I just knew I did not like him doing it and he didn’t take no for an answer. He of course said sex was my duty as his wife and that he shouldn’t have to masterbate – whether he did private I don’t know. If I didn’t let him have sex (even tho I’d say no) he’d get really nasty with me and be moody around the house, slamming doors, banging things down etc. I so hated the tense atmosphere and I worried about how it effected my boys…they were younger then….they knew dad was cross about something but they didn’t know what, but I knew why…he was angry at me because he wanted sex….I’d let him have sex to stop the moodiness for a couple of days then it would start again….any advice on reporting old DV rape? Now my boys are adults I feel ready to report his actions. I used to worry the boys would loose their dad if I reported and I didn’t want them to suffer that as my dad died when I was young…xx

[Shipoffools]

I’m afraid they use not paying CM as a way to control and make things harder for you because you’ve left them. They don’t care about depriving their children it’s more about hurting you.

My ex gave up his job to avoid CM and paid the standard £5 out of his JSA for a while. Then he worked sub contract and paid slightly more £7 as his accountant put bear min thru the books even tho he was living in 4 bedroomed house with a mortgage….

Even the CSA bloke felt sorry for us, but nothing he could do and said sadly it’s not uncommon….good luck xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi there,

Agreed His behaviour sounds very worrying indeed, you know the DV signs and you and your children have already been through enough with an abusive marriage, don’t put up with any more bad behaviour from this guy, you are totally entitled to end this relationship without reason if nessecary. Maybe you could arrange to meet him out in a busy public place, take a friend with you and tell him you’ve decided to end the relationship. Ask him for you’re key back. If he won’t give you your key back get the locks changed. All the best xx

[Shipoffools]

Ps could your mum go stay with your brother just for safety for time being, if he’s in th UK? Good luck xx

[Shipoffools]

He won’t like that you’ve bought a car. Can you park it in someone’s garage maybe where he can’t get to it? He knows a car ultimately aids your freedom. I hope everything comes good with the job you’ve applied for. If he damages the car please report it to the police. You can take children into a rufuge, but not your mum, I don’t think, good luck xx

[Shipoffools]

I agree with KIP and Tiffany…bless you, you are desperately trying to fix each problem he’s throwing at you, but really you now need to take stock and see this situation as a whole and that you are not safe….you are in danger….can you and your children go to a refuge? Things are escalating, the more problems you fix the more he will just step up his game…..save your energy for building a new life after he is out of it. Coercive control is a crime. You will get help good luck xx

[Shipoffools]

Thank you KIP, wise words – as always. Coming onto the WA forum has really helped me. Before it I was getting a bit bogged down with negative feelings of guilt going round and round my head…’woulda, coulda, shoulda’….

It’s comforting to know things regarding reporting DV has got better and is improving all the time.

Thanks again xx

[Shipoffools]

Thank you livingonaprayer,

I hang on to that hope too, I’m a fair, kind person and I believe what goes around comes around….

It’s nearly a decade since I fled the DV relationship and my boys went back to live with their father over half of that time ago..(sorry I can’t put actual lenght of time on here)….

It’s been a hard road. No karma for the DV ex yet, but then again I realise now I didn’t help myself by not reporting the DV at the time a decade ago….

My advice to others planning to leave or have left/fled would be report the DV, it’s evidence. And it could be crucial further down the line….I thought my ex would get fed up and leave me alone, but he didn’t stop until he had taken the children….xx

[Shipoffools]

Hi ladies, thank you for posting on this subject. I have asked Lisa for a new topic heading for Mums/Survivors who have already lost their children to their DV exs and another for Mums living under the threat of it happening with official advise of WA/Lisa…..I hope this will help?

If something constructive can come out of something so sad and wrong but obviously so common then that will be a positive thing….I haven’t had a reply from Lisa just yet….

Thank you again for opening up about a very emotionally painful subject…xx

[Author]

Posts