survivorandproud

[survivorandproud]

Hi sad sunflower,

I’m kind of exactly in your position. Left my ex a while ago now but I haven’t been seeking anyone new or talking to anyone. But I’m quite happy at the moment. I think if I found someone who I liked and who I thought was genuine I would just go for it! Do not let your ex still control your life. Sometimes I feel lonely and I think god should I go looking or put myself on a dating app, but I do think things just happen naturally. I am quite nervous for my next relationship as I feel like I am so tuned into how an abusive relationship goes I’ve sort of forgot what a ‘normal’ relationship is. But honestly everything happens for a reason and do what makes you happy!! Stay strong x

[survivorandproud]

If you don’t want them on your phone put them on your laptop? Or send them to a friend account or make another email address like the ladies said. I’m thinking about doing this ASAP as I don’t want anything on my
Phone anymore. Best of luck x

[survivorandproud]

Hi helovesmehesays,

I hope you’re okay, we are all here for you and to offer support.

What you have describe is horrific abuse. You can not go back to this man. This may come as a shock to be put so blunt but more than likely he will kill you. Abusers abuse in many different forms and it is evident your abuser is extremely dangerous.

What you are going through is called trauma bonding. Like the ladies have said give it a google! Also, my advice is to watch a video online called ‘Ted Talks- Unmasking the Abuser’ it is an excellent video describing exactly how these men are and always will be.

Do not put yourself down, we have all been in your position of missing our abuser. Just remember, any niceness they showed is fake, any forgiveness is not real. They will never change.

Do not waste your beautiful existence on someone who does not deserve your energy. You only live this life once, many women are killed due to their abuser. Remember how strong you are. Lots of love xx

[survivorandproud]

Absolutely agree. It got the the stage where any sort of rage was my fault, also loved saying comments that he was never angry before me. Like you say it justifies their behaviour in their eyes. Truly scary shocking men x

[survivorandproud]

Hi Shampi,

What you are describing is abuse. No person in a relationship should ever lay a finger on their partner, nevermind what you have been through. Your situation reminds me of my ex partner. He would blame me or his ‘anger problems’. He used to also shake my head and coward me into corners, trap me in a room for hours. He never actually ‘punched me in the face’ so he didn’t think it was abuse. I can see he is trying to manipulate you into thinking if it weren’t for you he wouldn’t do this, my ex also used the terms ‘I was never like this before I met you’.

Unfortunately, it rarely gets better, it gets worse.. Abusers will never admit to what they are doing or will ever confront themselves. My own piece of advice is to leave now before you get more hurt, talk to people you can trust and also ring the helpline. This could be the beginning of the abuse cycle. Stay safe and remember how strong you are x

[survivorandproud]

You are unbelievably strong! Stick to your plan and contact the helpline or even the police if you feel in danger. Do not tell your abuser you are leaving, keep yourself safe and only tell those you trust. Do not look back, what you are doing is so powerful and strong, never doubt yourself and do not let your abuser manipulate you, these men are great at doing this. You only live once, put yourself first!! Lots of love x

[survivorandproud]

Well done you! That is an amazing idea. I also have up and down days. I get high anxiety when I think about how my abuser used to make me feel and how much he hurt my self esteem. But then I remember, I am worth a million of him! And all the women on here and yourself are worth a million of these abusers. Stay strong and lots of love!!! X

[survivorandproud]

Hi aliceinwonderland,

Unfortunately, you will never receive your apology. My ex was similar in regards to going to counselling. He went twice, said he didn’t need it and also said the counsellor blamed me for his actions. Complete and utter manipulation at its finest. Do not let this get you down, focus on yourself and staying strong. You have left him and that is an amazing thing. Do not seek an apology from someone who isn’t even worth your energy. Abusers will never say sorry and actually mean it. Stay strong and lots of love x

[survivorandproud]

Just remember that a life time with someone like him is a waste of your life. Focus on yourself, love yourself again. You have to keep him blocked off everything, anything more and contact the police. Just remember his sole purpose in your relationship is to control you. Sending love X

[survivorandproud]

Hi meand4,

I am sorry for the way you are feeling right now. I have not had your experience regarding an abuser passing away, however, I can give my own personal advice. Do not feel guilty because of this, there is only so much you can help someone or keep giving them chances. I also would not paint him in a different light, I would not inform your children of everything if they are young, however, do not cover up the abuse you went through just because your abuser has passed away. The passing of your ex does not validate the abuse you went through, nor change him as a person. It will evidently be a shock and the love you felt for him will possibly come back as you will be feeling a mix of emotions. Sometimes abusers may suffer from addictions, mental health or say they will commit suicide. It is not our fault if this one day happens. It is a shock when anyone you know passes away, but do not forget how strong you were to walk away and what you have achieved. Yes your abuser has passed away, but many women like us in abusive relationships can sometimes end up losing their own life. Sending love x

[survivorandproud]

Hi feelingnumb,

I can categorically tell you he is doing this as he thinks he is losing you. Typically, when an abuser has abused, they will go through a honeymoon period of being sorry and wanting us back. When we begin to pull away, after they have abused, they will be very sorry and seek our forgiveness. Some of my ex’s favourite phrases were ‘I promise next time I’ll be different’ ‘I won’t do it ever again I promise’ ‘I’ll get help’ or ‘You know I only do this because I love you’. Probably you have heard similar phrases. Remember, this is not a genuine apology, it is their way of getting us back as they have made us very naive and vulnerable. It is very difficult to put yourself in the mind of an abuser, especially when it is someone you’re in a relationship with. As soon as you forgive these men, it will take a matter of weeks, days, hours before they abuse again. Every time you go back it is validation in their eyes that they can take their abuse one step further. Everything is about power and control. It is a very difficult position to be in and you’ll be feeling many different emotions. Speak to the helpline or someone you trust and make your steps to getting out. I am sorry to say it will not get better. Put yourself first and remember how strong you are. Do not let this ruin your life. You are so strong x

[survivorandproud]

Hi enofadov,

I think one of the worst things for us actually is social media, it’s great to spread the word and speak to other women but in regards to Facebook it can make you feel a lot worse. I completely blocked my ex out but I still could see people I knew were still friends with him, liking his posts etc. It is much better to blank these things out and focus on yourself. Looking back will only make you upset. Stay strong x

[survivorandproud]

He is using this attitude as he knows you are being strong and leaving him. Abusers will usually be very sorry when they think they’ve lost you. For example, my ex would realise he was doing wrong when I left him, took responsibility and said he will get help for his problems. As soon as I went back in the blink of an eye everything would be forgotten, he done nothing wrong and the abuse started again. Unfortunately this is the cycle of abuse. If you do not leave it will never get better, it will get worse and you could end up in serious danger. Being single is not a bad thing, it is normal to miss a person to be close to, but just think your time will come. Focus on yourself and stay positive. You only have one life to live do not waste it x

[survivorandproud]

Thank you for this. We haven’t been in a relationship for a long time but I guess I’m just confused he has such nice moments and was so lovely in the beginning. So I question myself as to whether it is ‘abuse’ but thank you for your message I appreciate it

[survivorandproud]

The details got removed but it is called ‘unmasking the abuser’ it’s a video x

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