tiredanddrained

[tiredanddrained]

Just remember this new relationship is not going to work out. As an entitled narcissist can’t have a happy relationship which is the criteria most abusers sadly meet. He is just setting up his new supply and the end goal will be to devalue and degrade her. At that point she will be living in hell. The hell you escaped and she will then realise all the stories he made up about you were lies. You can live in the knowledge the poor girl has all this coming. It may look for a while it is all perfect to others as that’s what i did at first. Hid the abuse and painted a rosy picture of us on social media as looking so happy. It wasn’t true. He had already started shouting at me, pushing me into walls. Calling me vile names n then the oh he was so sorry. I eventually realised all the stuff he had said about his ex cheating on him was lies as he started accusing me of cheating. It may even take a few years to unfold but it will not work out. You may even get a message from the new woman asking if he done all these things to you. If you do please tell her the truth. I after (detail removed by moderator) sent his ex a message asking if he had physically abused her too as i had been going through that with him and if she believed he (detail removed by moderator). Her response showed what she had went through too along with the psychological abuse. As her response was “(detail removed by moderator).” She was so right. As that is exactly what happened. So he will repeat the exact same horrible emotional abuse on her.

You on the other hand now are free and as a non abusive petson have the chance when ready of course of having a healthy happy relationship. He won’t ever have that as abusers only know how to want power and control. Not how to love.

Well done on getting out. You are amazing and beyond strong! 💖💖💖

[tiredanddrained]

Hi Darkclouds321,
Reading your post could be myself writing. I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this awful experience. A relationship should feel happy and safe but what we got from these men is hurt and blamed over and over again for their abusive behaviour. I have came to the cloncusion i cannot be with a man who i cannot converse with without him blowing up shouting at me, calling me names for my neighbouts to all hear, frightening my cat in the process. I each time in the past eventually feel sorry for him when he pleads with me to take him back n promises he will never raise his voice to me again or call me names. The worst part is like you say feeling like you are betraying him by moving on. It’s like he is still controlling my mind which i hate that i am scared to move on incase it hurts him. In a way i hope he does meet someone else. I know it will hurt me but at least i will feel less guilty and eventually be able to move on. Why i feel guilty for even thinking about moving on is also crazy on my part as he has treated me so poorly and changed none of the emotional abuse he keeps dishing out. I suppose it’s the belief in his words about how i am his soulmate. It’s like why can i not see this is not soulmate behaviour. My mind keeps just remembering the nice things he does. It absolutely makes me feel so weak. I’m hoping this time i can stay out of the relationship for good.

I hope you feel better soon and with regards to the lies he is making up to everyone else, don’t worry because the truth will come out in the end. He will abuse someone else. You can’t control what other people do or believe but live in the peace of knowing you know the truth and other people will eventually find him out. Take care and you sound a lovely person who does not deserve any of this. Sending hugs 💖xxx

[tiredanddrained]

I feel the same. I will be watching closely for any replies also for advice. I feel so stuck. No matter how many times i end it i forgive him n believe the sorry he won’t shout or verbally abuse me again but he does. It is his good side i always feel sorry for but the bad side will never go away. The best laugh is he threatens to go with other women when i end it through him letting me down and being abusive. Yet at the same time tells me if i move on he will stab the guy. N i actually don’t move on for fear of hurting his feelings. It’s absurd. I’m even sick of myself. How can i not just realise it’s never going to get any better.
I’m so sorry you feel like this too. It’s the worst. Stay strong as believe me you are not weak to have went through this. You are very strong. Sending hugs xx

[tiredanddrained]

Thanks Pinkvelvet for the response. I’m glad my post helped you. It’s encouraging to know your mostly fine now. I’m hoping for the same in time. Wish i would stop believing at the back of my mind he can change. Suppose it’s the person in me that wants to help and believe every one deserves a chance and also not let go fully but if they are not wanting the help i need to stick to the facts instead of believing they really thought i was their soulmate. You wonder if they say that to all their partners or if they believe it’s real.

[tiredanddrained]

Thank you Hereforclarity, Bananaboat and iwillbefree. It is all such great advice and has really helped me remain positive and strong. Having you all know what i am feeling and be able to give this advice based on your own experiences is just beyond what i imagined i would get from initially posting. I think he must not know what he is doing with the emotional abuse. If he misses me that much he would change the shitty behaviour but he is incapable it seems. It does make me wonder if in his head he is secretly laughing as the blame shifting, gaslighting and stonewalling is unreal. He must know what he is doing.
Regardless though i have held my boundaries in place and i have had another week of not being shouted at. Not been humiliated in front of neighbours, not been accused of cheating and i can answer my phone or get a text from work or my mum without getting glared at like( Who is that!), my animal is safe and no longer running away scared in the home from his shouting.

So all in all i am feeling proud of myself after all my feeling down this weekend has subsided for now.

Thank you so much for helping me move from such a depressed negative mindstate to a positive one. You ladies responses on here have kept me sane this weekend.

Sending much love and i hope you all have a fantastic week ahead. Well, as fantastic as it can be at the moment for us all.

Love and hugs XxX

[tiredanddrained]

Thanks Iwillbefree for your reply. It’s comforting to know i’m not alone and you are going through this same hell. Yeah I work during the week so it does seem easier. It totally is a battle in my own mind and deep down. I know it’s logically the right thing as he had enough chances to act correctly and change. I hope we both feel better soon. Will try the hobbies idea you suggested. Wish my mind would just stop racing thinking about him. It is so debilitating at times.

Sending love and hugs to you lovely and i really appreciate your supportive reply xxx

[tiredanddrained]

I think a non abusive man who i have dated a couple in the past would never ever say you screwed over a man who they knew abused you. They would be of the opinion you should have the house with the kids. It sounds more like something my recently abusive partner would say. The abusers generally use what you tell them against you to side with the man and put the woman down. It definately is very hurtful what he has said and to then say sorry after it seems a bit like he’s landed a blow then apologised. You are not being over the top. That was a very insensitive comment to make. Maybe look out today for if he can take accountability for it being hurtful or if he turns it round on you. I hope he has just made an error of judgement and is there for you. Your ex split up your family by choosing to abuse you. Not you. Therefore you completely deserve to keep your home with the kids. It’s good your radar is working though and you can monitor the situation going forward. Take care and i really hope you feel better today. Xxx

[tiredanddrained]

Your partner sounds like we have been dating the same person. He said is he in a relationship with me and my mum when she seen him flirting when we were all out at a pub with other girls. They say this so there is nobody around to notice their bad behaviour and so they csn get more control. I’ve finally asked mine to leave. You will eventually get to a point you can’t take being let down anymore with his promises to change. Coming on here is a great step. It can make you feel like your going crazy. I started writing down on a text each time he would shout at me, call me names and accuse me of cheating etc. I never realised it was happening monthly. When he was his nice version i loved him so much but he would always change back to Mr Nasty whenever the mood took him. I’ve had neighbours call the police that im getting domestically abused with his going on tirades of rage shouting at me calling me names for fear he will hit me. Which he has too. Kicked, pushed, grabbed my face n squashed it. Lately he would run at me with his fist clenched but not actually hit me. I actually thought at least he was getting better because he held back actually hitting. The thing is i seemed to feel sorry for him more than myself. Just like you. I seemed to care more about him than me and my safety. (detail removed by mpderator) However when i looked at this close he doesn’t shout at other certain friends of his so he is actually in complete control of chosing to do this. It’s not bpd. Ive since found out i am codependant and trauma bonded as i truly loved him. Look up codependant. Normally as a child you were the one in the family who tried to make everything better. I believed he acted like this as he was so in love he was insecure n didn’t want to lose me as he called me his soulmate. Ive since found out through Clares Law he has a conviction for emotional abuse to previous partners and causing injury to 1 therefore looks like i wasn’t so special after all. I would suggest maybe contacting Clare’s law to see if he has ever done this before. I really hope you manage to feel better. Don’t feel bad for loving him or forgiving him it is becsuse you are a very good person and it is hard to give up Mr Nice as your in love with half of him. Sadly though they normally don’t change these men (detail removed by moderator)

Take care and sending love and hugs to you lovely. I am sorry your going through this. It is horrendous. XxX

[tiredanddrained]

Oh yes I know this and have lived it for years. Constant jealousy, accusations of looking at other men if we went for a meal. Accusations of cheating with workmates if i dare go on a works night out. I just avoid works nights out now for an easy life. Verbal abuse could happen at any morning when he woke up before having his weed. Or night or day. If i took to long at the food shop i was a (detail removed by Moderator). The yelling fits of rage and swearing at any unpredictable time calling me a (detail removed by Moderator) or a million other vile insults. Then the apology of how he didn’t mean it. The tears. Please don’t think of him differently. The promises of how he will not ever yell at me ever again or call me any names just to be let down n him shout and scream. He shouts (detail removed by Moderator) n gets louder when i beg him to stop. I thought i was maybe being silly as he kept minimizing it saying all couples argue. Eventually i found out through Claires Law (detail removed by Moderator). I thought i was overeacting. He gaslights and actully completely denies the abuse to any previous partner. Yet he still has a nice side. It is so hard how someone can be so evil 1 minute and so lovely the next. – What kind of emotional abuse have you been subjected to. I hope you are ok. Xxx

[tiredanddrained]

Hi Tenerifeseaoth,

I know how you feel. I’m struggling badly too. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) also for me. I miss the good side of him so much. It’s crazy how i can love a person i know has lied about me to his family and kids to blame me for cheating etc just so he can cover up his abusive behaviour. When i don’t forgive him he gets mad n nasty. He keeps emailing me blaming me for being cruel and not loving him as ive blocked him. Begging to see me. It hurts not seeing him which makes me feel so crazy. It’s like i’m hurting myself and just existing missing him as the good times were great. It was just they other times he would go on a tirade of shouting at me and calling me names and accusing me of cheating. I never knew when it would be coming and all my neighbours would hear. I don’t miss the humiliation n not knowing when he would come in full of coccaine after 1 million promises he would never take it again. Why could he not just stop doing these things. It’s heartbreaking. I kind of feel i’m just existing with no happiness. My mind has been racing for the last (detail removed by Moderator). I feel so emotional and bot content at all. Like i can’t even concentrate on anything. It’s awful. – i hope we both feel better soon. I just wanted you to know. Your not alone struggling. I am in the same boat. Sending hugs xxx

[tiredanddrained]

Thankyou Bananaboat and Lisa for your replies. I really appreciate them and it’s good to hear it’s not just the coccaine because your right he was yelling at me the day before it. I need to read up more on trauma bond and i will. He is definately never going to get help so i need to ensure this time there is no going back. Im going to end it for good. I’m bot forgiving him. Im determind this time and will use the live chat for support when needed. Thank you both so much for taking the time out your day to reply and help me 💖xxx

[tiredanddrained]

You sound so like myself. The police got called previously by my neighbour due to his verbal abuse. He had given me black eyes before and she was scared he would do it again. The strangest thing was i felt sorry for him even though he had caused me all this humilation. I missed him and believed he didn’t mean it n minimized it in my own head. Now months on he is still doing it n i was on the verge of calling the police myself but im too shy and don’t like a fuss do didn’t. I fid manage to get him to leave tho so it’s ended and i am determined not to go back on the merry go round of abuse . – You would not have called the police unless you felt bullied and dominated and knew you were getting treated in an unacceptable abusive way you were not in control of. Involving the police was you just wanting it to stop. It’s a last resort and the fact you were pushed to that shows he is more interest in being the dominator and getting to feel all powerful than in caring about you feeling safe. Is thst real love. It’s not. It’s control. I found out my parrner has previously got a criminal record for emotional abuse through Claire’s law and that he has injured a previous partner. I believed all his bullshit about i’m his solumate and he has never loved anyone like me. This is why he is so jealous he told me. It was obviously sll lies n he will try and control any woman in this way. Try practicing self love. Get happy on your own. Admit the bad times won’t stop as they are not interested in changing. If they wanted to change they would have stopped abusing us by now. It will recur. The relationship ending foes not mean you hsve to stop loving the good side of that person. You csn love that side forever but it means living with thst person is damaging to you. You deserve better. (Link removed by Moderator) . I find his videos give me stength to keep my boundsries in place. It may help you too. Don’t blame yourself though because it’s not your fault. It’s his.

Sending lots of 💖 and hugs xxx

[tiredanddrained]

Don’t hate yourself for trying to give someone a chance and wanting to see the good in them. It’s a common thing and he is the 1 with the bail condition not to contact you so don’t you be worried about the police. If you tell them what you wrote here they would understand.

It was like reading about my abusive partner in your message. I asked him to leave and packed his stuff (detail removed by Moderator) days ago and the reason he got abusive at (detail removed by Moderator) was because he couldn’t find a clean pair of socks for work. He never even told me he needed stuff washed. The fact he expects me to do his washing when he is an adult is bad enough but now im meant to be a mind reader and look his stuff out for work. Its like the more i do the more ungrateful he is and the more he expects it. He started screaming FUCKIN JOKE then comes in screaming when im sleeping in bed swearing snd shouting. The more i said please stop shouting the neighbours are sleeping the loder he got. He started calling me a FUCKIN BASTARD. It is so embarrssing my neighbours getting woken up to this. Just (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago my neighbour complained his anger is affecting her wee boy and he is crying and saying he is frightened. I told my partner then if he yells and swears again he will need to leave the home. He said ge wouldn’t and this is his (detail removed by Moderator) outburst in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. When i told him to leave he ran at me and pushed me across the room full force. I had to thresten him with police so he would leave.
After all this the strange this is i miss the good side of him. He has condtantly texted saying he is sorry and he loves me and if i loved him i wouldn’t give up on him. It is hard but i wanted to pointout the conflicted feelings you are having is completely normal as you are hoping for his loving side to stay and the other verbally abusive disrespectfull side to dissapear. Without help it won’t happen. – is he getting any help for his issues? Mines hasn’t. He has weed addiction, gambling and takes coccaine the odd time after promising me countless times he wont ever take it again. I don’t take drugs. He says he’s not going to a doctor to condosend him. I think going to a doctor is the only way the behaviour could change but they don’t seem to want to. Sorry about telling you so much about my own story. I feel your pain though. xxx

[tiredanddrained]

Sounds like typical abuser behaviour. Whenever i finish it due to the abuse i get him saying he is moving away. It is always alot of rubbish and yet again another manipilative technique to hurt you if you leave so you think it is easier to go back. – I always find this part of them being nasty makes you stronger. It is when my ex starts saying sorry i end up seeing his good side and because i sm an empath forgiving him. – try and write down the good things down and the bad things. This helps me stay strong. It is so hard and you do not deserve to be humiliated and embaressed by someone elses behaviour. You end up a nervous wreck. The namecalling and shouting comes before the pushing me around. But even without the physical. Namecalling takes it’s toll and you dereserve to be kind to yourself. Sounds like he isn’t and trying to hurt you more. So protect yourself as he is just caring about number 1. This forum helps me stay strong. You have been very brave as turning your life upside down is not easy. It is traumatic. I’m sorry you are going through this. xx

[tiredanddrained]

Thank you. I am going to download that book just now. It does make sense that he is a liar and cheat which he accuses me of as i know he cheated years ago on his ex quite a bit. That makes so much sense and has really helped. Thank you so so much for your help.xx

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