Tracker

[Tracker]

Vent all your want! I just did!
It was definitely financial abuse and very selfish. I went through similar (along with other forms of abuse) although it was kinda the opposite. I worked full time and he was on benefit (and working cash in hand). But it was still a case of me paying everything while he had his money for himself. Sometimes he would get way more than me as his cash in hand job would give him between (detail removed by Moderator) a week on top of his benefit. His money went all on smoking weed and drugs. Then when it ran out he would borrow of me. If I said no he would constantly persist or not talk to me or be really agitated until I gave in. Then he would promise to give it back but I always has to be really nice to him otherwise he would say I wasn’t getting it. Thus controlling me financially.
This is what your boyfriend was doing too, not allowing you anh money to have fun or live your life. He was having it easy too, getting all the things he wanted and not paying his way. That’s what my ex loved…he could do drugs knowing I was there to pay all the bills probably why he let me work

[Tracker]

May i ask how long into the relationship did yoj tell your new partner about your past? I have met someone but feel for him to understand me and why i am anxious etc i need to fully open up but ita o ly been (detail removed by moderator) months of dating

[Tracker]

He said we can meet up soon and talk about it after i said i regretted it and only done it becaise of my fears and anxieties. I have said i had bad relationship but never gone into detail

[Tracker]

Hi sleepy pigeon, I totally agree that others do not understand properly. I did tell some work colleagues some of my past soon after it ended but I think they assume that now your free everything is OK but it takes a long time to find yourself again and become happy in yourself.
For me I’m trying to find out who I am away from the toxic relationship that consumed my teenage years and all my adulthood so far.
I really want to love being single but I also crave a proper healthy relationship with someone who I can trust and will treat me how I deserve to be treated as I have only been with the one partner and feel like I have wasted so many years.
I am going to try and distract my thoughts of loneliness and am looking into starting a degree, it will keep me busy, help me to meet new friends and its something I didn’t think I could do but you know what I can!
Your right it is little steps, I wish you happiness and sending a hug right back at you 🤗

[Tracker]

Hi happy skies,

I too told people at work, well a little anyway and as much as I wanted to talk finally and it felt good I also find people don’t really want to listen to me and they didn’t understand. I’m not going to bother anymore. It’s all you can talk to us but you get the impression they don’t wanna hear it when you do.

Best thing is to talk on here like you have done to like minded people who understand better.

As for your anxiety I can’t help too much as I have pretty low confidence myself at times but look you have come out the otherwise now and have a new partner you are very strong and can do this xx

[Tracker]

Hi darcy thanks for your reply
I think you are right. I want to enjoy being single and enjoy my life and need to improve my self worth and self esteem. I feel things would be easier with friends and family to help but I will get there and try to focus on the postivies of leaving the relationship and not the company that I miss at times.
I will try out the book you mentioned as I really want to be at ease being single and love myself before finding someone worth it not just anyone xx

[Tracker]

Thanks for the replies.
Your both completely right and I know it deep down. Just got to keep being strong and leave him to it. I cant help him anymore.

[Tracker]

Thank you @beautifulday you have made me realise tonight that I was too getting financially abused. I thought I wasnt because i have my own money and didnt have to explain my spending, however my ex was completely financially dependent on me. I’d pay all the Bill’s and buy all the food then hed borrow every couple of days for weed and tobacco.

And @byzantium listen to everyone. It is abuse for sure. Even if he dont physically harm you I have just come to realise after many years and you will to that he is still psychologically abusing you. The threats are just as bad. Please get some help to leave the relationship as take it from me and everyone else that they will never change. There are nice times but they dont last

[Tracker]

Thank you for your reply.
He didnt show (detail removed by Moderator) so I think he said that to make my son think he does wanna see them when really he cant be bothered as he did come when he thought we would all be out but he doesn’t know my son has no (detail removed by Moderator) on (detail removed by Moderator). Or he is just trying to drive me crazy and mess with my head again making me think he is coming round. He may still come (detail removed by Moderator) but who knows?
I thought telling him to go court and restricting access would be a but harsh but I’m not being messed about all the time. Tbh I dont think hed even bother cos he dont with the child he had out of his affair a few years ago.
I will take your advice and look into an occupation or non molestation order and get a cab to drop the rest of his stuff to his dads so he has no reason to enter when noones in

[Tracker]

This sounds so familiar!
I keep doubting myself even now still that maybe I am an abuser. One part of me thinks it is all my fault I am horrible it’s all my fault hes left again and the other part knows that’s what he makes me think and he is gaslighting.
He says I’m controlling, dont let him out the house, dont let him smoke or drink and treat him like a child. He will say my sister or my dad agree with me and think your out of order etc and he makes the whole world think that hes perfect and im controlling.
Then I think because they all think I’m bad I must be bad and I am controlling.
It proper messes with your head and makes you crazy.
However I say believe in yourself and what is in your heart and you will know deep down you are not to blame despite what he makes us think.
I know I was never controlling with bad intent. I encouraged him to get out the house with a proper job and applied for jobs and college for him.
It were only when he had developed a drug problem and started to steal of my son that I didnt want him out with fellow addicts only because I knew they would tempt him.
And after being cheated on several times you are bound to lose a bit of trust and faith in them.

[Tracker]

Same here my ex was physical at the beginning when I were still a child basically. I was away from my home town, newly pregnant and isolated. He would lock me in the house and slap me, bite me, threaten me with a baseball bat every day near enough for a month til I managed to tell my friends. However I regretted telling them as I had to go home but I was so smitten our relationship continued for another (detail removed by Moderator) years on and off.
Since that time many years ago he has been physical very rarely so I thought I werent getting abused. Then only very recently when he left me yet again for someone else I realise he werent a normal loving partner.
He were threatening, deceitful, always agitated with me, manipulative, selfish and even though he didnt control my finances he drained my income through his constant borrowing and sponging of me.

Hes been gone nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months and at first its struggle. You find it hard to cope at times, you feel like your life ain’t worth living and you cant carry on but you can. It gets easier. Distract yourself with work or hobbies. I still miss him sometimes and it is still hard sometimes so when it is I come on here to gain more strength. I look at the positives.
If I can do it you can too.
Dont worry about him, he is making you think he couldn’t cope so you stay.

[Tracker]

What you all describe is exactly how I feel too so we are definitely not alone.
I had been with him since I were a child basically, only person I’ve ever had a proper relationship and I feel as much as I would like to be close to someone else that it will never happen as I have a lot of feelings of low self esteem and low confidence in myself.
It is like others have said a bereavement and hopefully time will heal the pain.
Main thing is we keep strong and remember not to go back cos from experience it’s always nice to go back at first but it wont be long til it turns bad again x

[Tracker]

Thank you
Hopefully if or when the time comes that he shows his face I will be strong enough to do what I need to do. At the moment he isn’t making contact and he is about a (detail removed by Moderator) hour drive away so maybe this time he will stay away but we’ll see 🤞

[Tracker]

Hi Lisa

Thank you for the advice. I didnt know I could call the police about it, i thought it just be time wasting and they would see it as a petty dispute.
If he comes and doesn’t leave I will contact them it’s just I dont like creating scenes in front of my kids and the neighbours as he shouts very loud.
I live in private rented property and my landlady is very fussy and I would need her permission to change the locks and she not long paid to fix the lock as it broke so i dont want to annoy her as i cant afford to move home and really dont want to right now. Which is why I would prefer to just have my key returned but hed never do that. I used to beg for it when he were on drugs and stealing mine and my kids possessions, I should have told the police then and I did once but they did nothing cos by the time they came round i got scared and passed it off as a misunderstanding.
Hopefully he will do the right thing and stay away and arrange contact through phoning my son and meeting them somewhere else but I know he will want to come in so he can get me on my own and play mind games with me

[Tracker]

Thanks for your reply
I dont have any friends or family that I am close to (literally all alone which is why he gets away with everything) and his family are bias towards him so i dont want contact with them.
My son is older though so I have said contact could be arranged via my son even though he ain’t too fussed about seeing his dad after the times he stole from him etc.
I always thought I’d be wasting police time if I called them especially on a 999 call. But that looks to be the only way if he does come round and refuses to leave

[Tracker]

Hi thanks for your reply

Do you know how I go about getting a third party to arrange contact with the kids. He ain’t bothering about seeing them now but he will when it comes to their birthdays or Christmas

[Tracker]

Hi beachhut

It’s hard isn’t it seeing others go about so happily being busy on the weekends.
Have you tried taking up a new hobby or doing something just for you? Perhaps going to the gym?
I don’t know if you have kids. I do and try to busy myself with them but it’s hard if you go to the park for example and see all the seemingly happy families and I just feel so alone. I dont have any close friends or family so suffer badly from loneliness. And I dont think I will ever meet anyone as my self esteem is very low at times and I have always been shy.

Anyway keep busy, you will soon find a new normal I’m sure I suppose it just takes getting used to

[Tracker]

Hi Marley,

I’m glad you have come to understand that he was abusing you and he has now left. I totally emphasise with you feeling broken some days. My situation is very similar. After he left me yet again for someone else I too am feeling broken to the point of finding it hard to keep going and have come to realise (after along long time) that he has always been abusing me but made it more subtle so noone would see.
They try to blame you and make you go crazy dont they? I have and still do at times thought that maybe it is all me and I am the abuser as he makes out and its all my fault since everyone believes him too it makes me think it must be true but they are so clever at getting everyone to see what they want them to see.

Hope you feel better soon and please try not to take him back and stay strong 💪

[Tracker]

I dont have money to change the locks as hes left me with debts to pay unfortunately
Hopefully he wont come back ir this time I will be strong enough to do whatever it takes to keep him away

[Tracker]

I’m so sorry for those of you whose children live with the abuser.
It seems abusers are so manipulative that they can make everyone see what they want them to see and it’s not fair 😪
I pray you get either your children or the authorities to see sense 🙏
I feel so alone since he left with no friends or family but I have my children at least as I dont think he could handle the responsibility and my son is older and knows what he is like

[Tracker]

My partner left around (removed by moderator) ago to go off with someone hed been talking to for (removed by moderator) prior. Hes only come round once on my sons birthday and it were horrible as he were trying to chat to me and give me a cuddle, he begged me to meet him the next day to talk only for him to cancel.
I cant see him I need zero contact cos I just go back to square one and cant get over him. Also like you his family were like my family yet they all lied to his new gf saying he been single for years leaving me feeling betrayed and disregarded.
My daughter had a go at me saying why didnt you say hello (removed by moderator) when we bumped into him the other day, so I understand it’s hard being normal in front of the kids.
I agree it’s better to have someone else do the handover if possible as we dont need to see them anymore and that is the way I would like to go forward but he has a key still and will probably just walk in when he likes

[Author]

Posts