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Thanks KIP, Maybe I am just not ready yet, I think id much prefer to meet someone out and about rather than online. Yes I have been slowly increasing my hobbies and have made quite a few new friends, so think I need to maybe stop trying to rush it. I did think it would be fun but I just found some far to pushy already and It freaked me out! LOL Thank you KIP for your advice 🙂

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Thank you diymum, yes the police said now that this letter has been sent to tell them, if they show up, I can now say it is harassment. I have been very honest with the police, social services and school about how the kids are feeling, and the way it has been affecting them. Its just so nice to hear other ppl say that the way they are acting is unreasonable. I will have a good look for safe not sorry, anything that helps really. I know I am doing the right thing, the kids are doing so well, and are now finally feeling safe. I will contact womens aid, and also make sure I speak to my gp to. thank you so much xxx

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Thank you so much for your reply. That makes perfect sense, I just need to take a deep breath and carry on. I know they are trying to scare me which is very disappointing, but not really surprising. Xx

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Thank you so much for your kind replies. The letter this was in was actually written from his family to my solicitor. I had to get police involved due to them being so intimidating, so my solicitor then wrote to them. So there reply was to say I’d turned the kids against them. The kids have been working with someone at school about there wishes which are that they do not wish to see them and they have been so upset as “just want to be left alone”. I have booked a gp appointment to say how upset this accusation has made me. It just so upsetting when I’m just keeping children safe and you get accused of this. Xxx

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Hi triggers, I hope your doing OK! I just wanted to say your coping so well. Please don’t feel guilt over not allowing the video call either, you did that to protect your children. It was not fair on them for him to be speaking about you like that to them. My advise similar to the other ladies is record everything. Keep Any texts and note how the calls made the children feel. My ex was the same, ringing, texting constantly, making me feel so guilty. It was using this forum that showed me no contact was the only way to go and it was the best decision I ever made! Just concentrate on you and your children. If he genuinely wants to see them then let him go to court where you can get everything put down and sorted. It will get easier, just keep looking fwd and slowly you will get there, xx

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My ex was exactly the same with the “play fighting” and did exactly the same thing with the tea towel, none of us found it funny and he always took it to far but would then say it was only a joke. What I have noticed though since leaving my relationship is how none of my friends relationships have the type of play fighting we used to have especially with their kids. Xx

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“Everything I do for you and you cant even support me” (He never helped me in anyway), Constantly putting me down by comments such as “how did I end up with you” “don’t stand close to anyone your breath stinks” Telling me various body parts were disgusting eg “why do your thighs look like that”, When I would say things he had done or said he would say “your exaggerating” “your a liar” “all you care about is yourself and what you look like”. Constantly accuse me of looking at men if we were in the car and scream that he could “see me looking in the mirror” .I was “crap in bed” if I went on a rare evening out he would ring saying his “friend” had rang him as he had seen me flirting with someone.

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Thank you Maddog for replying. I suddenly feel really scared to actually do it, although i did contact Victims support for some advise and they were wonderful. They basically said the same, that i should report it, and even if nothing comes from it, its there on record. Im just taking little steps at the moment, so ive wrote everything down, i rang Victims support, and my next step is to contact the officer who i originally spoke to and say i want to make a statement. I dont know why i feel so nervous, i guess its because i havent actually said out loud to anyone really what exactly happened but i know i will feel so much better to just get it out there.

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Hi Ladies,

Im very similar to, quite a few months out, but still you have your high and lows, usually when you feel really happy, he will do something that brings you crashing down again. But all i can hope for is that eventually the good times will outweigh the bad. It is 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But all i keep reminding myself of is that me and my children are out of that horrendous situation. And sometimes we all need a good cry. When i feel sad, i dont feel bad about that, i have a few days to feel sorry for myself, then shake it off and keep going.

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Hi, obviously we dont know your exact situation but I would agree that it probably best not to do overnights right now. It really would probably be safer for all of you to have a formal agreement in place as without it there is nothing stopping him from saying he isn’t going to return your child. Even though he might not of abused them, damage can still be done by them hearing arguments etc. At the end of day its great how reasonable your being but maybe a contact agreement could help put your mind at ease. Xx

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Hi, I have a MARAC in place. Honestly please dont worry. I remember I freaked out when they said as I had no idea what it was. Basically you should be assigned an independent domestic violence advocate (Idva) who will ring you and give you advise and you can tell her what you are worried over. For me this is the ex showing up. They ensured a marker on address. She’s given me advise regarding what to ask for with solicitor and can send out personal safety alarms. I am sure as you have left the relationship there will be no need for social services. I had an initial telephone call from them and told them what my plan was. E.g leaving him and ensuring supervised contact only and that was it. My Idva reports back from MARAC but so far they have just recommended marker stays in place so please dont worry. X

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Yes exactly I googled it and it usually for them to keep you updated when the offender is in prison to let you know possible parole dates etc. I’m still not happy that she just rang and now not bothered ring back. Yes mine was passed to the dv advocates to but luckily mine has been wonderful so far!!!

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Just to give u an update I rang my local areas probation office and gave them the name and number I’d had a call off, she said it is the victim liaison officer who is “really good”. Anyway I’m still going to say it not right how they have approached me and what she’s asked but at least I can relax and not worry I was being set up.

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Yes it was in a phone call last week. My sister rang the number back and it was just this woman’s voice mail, but it wasn’t even like a professional sounding voicemail as I’d expect from probation and the number is bringing up nothing on google and magically I get no call today. I’m honestly feeling I’m being set up somehow, so I’m going ring the probation office main number and ask them exactly who this person is. Yes I reported him and made a statement to police last night, but heard no update yet so wil ring 101 tomorrow.

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That’s exactly what I thought, I’m going request the questions are put to me in writing so I can’t be misquoted. The funniest thing is it was only last night I had make a statement against him and his mother for him breaking my injunction less than a week after being in court for breaking it previously and her threatening behaviour. So he’s due be arrested today.

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Thanks ladies, had no phone call as of yet. She said it was because he’s going on a perpetrator course so wanted know what my thoughts are and any positives!!?? I just still feel strange about it all until I had this call no one told me they would contact me and no I have no positives about a man who said he would stab mW to death

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Thank you Lisa, it just all seems really scary and my children are doing so well now he’s gone. His family are all on his side and see me as being out of order limiting cintact. I will definetly ring the helplines. Thank you

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Thank you, yes I’m starting to realise I had built this false sense of security which was because he was being all nice when he thought there was a chance but now he’s realising I’m serious I need to be realistic!

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Thank you ladies, I just searched gas lighting and it all rings true. I have written everything down that’s been said by them and told my mum who was speechless. I’m going pass it all on to the solicitor. I just can’t deal with speaking to any of them anymore

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Thank you, I feel less nervous now!! Anything to help will be great! X

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You will do and your children will know this. I have said exactly the same to my ex that he will still have a relationship with his kids, although this doesn’t seem enough and he just says he doesn’t want to be a part time dad! Which just annoys me as its not about what he wants it’s about what the children need, which at the moment is limited contact. The way these ppl use there kids to get at us is awful!

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No it’s a horrible choice as you know what he’s like but as the kids are so young to them he’s just their dad. My youngest is to young to understand but the eldest is very firm on the fact he will not be seeing him for a long time. I hope a contact centre could help you, that way your safe in the knowledge the kids are seeing their dad but you can keep safe as well.

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Aw thank you for your advise ladies. I haven’t really been given much info about it. My family support worker just asked if I’d be interested in attending a course for victims of domestic violence so I thought surely it can only be a positive thing. None of my friends or family have been in a similar situation (that I know of) so it will be nice to be not so much the odd one out! X

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I am going through this at the moment in the last (detail removed by Moderator) months he’s seen my youngest for half an hour on (detail removed by Moderator), which his dad ruined by basically acting very intimidating. I have asked a solicitor to draw up an agreement which will hopefully avoid court. Could you maybe use a contact centre or do you have a family member that could be in the house with the kids while u go out for an hour. That way he sees the kids in their own home where they haply but he doesn’t have chance to try and mess with your head. I agree other ppl don’t get it and see us as being cruel for limiting or stopping contact but I’m sure if they knew what the children go through when there is an abusive relationship they would think differently. X

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My dreams are the same, usually he’s just in them, not really doing anything but just there, and I find it hard to sleep. I’m fast asleep really quick but then up every hour or so and feel worn out when it time get up again. I’m hoping over time It will get easier. X

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I think the no contact thing is very hard at first but ultimately it for the best. And hopefully if you can do that all your self doubt will disappear! You are living on your own with your child and you can do this without him! I know at first I just have the happy memories in my mind but I’m making sure whenever they appear I replace it with the reality of living with him. Its not right that he’s hurt your lip and yes he may not be abusing you like your ex he’s just doing it a different way. Keep strong, start a diary, list anything that happens, even if minor as its surprising how it makes you feel when you read it back. I wish you lots of luck! X

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Hi, I think you know deep down what you want to do. You were happy when you left and can be happy again. I’m sure his family will say something but shame on them if they do, especially if they know what he’s like. At the end of the day you don’t need to have anything to do with any of them. I know you said its not as bad as it was, but its clear how unhappy you are, and you deserve to be happy! Dont let him drag you down! As for the guilt trip about him threatening to harm himself, like I’ve realised since joining this, it is a threat to get you to feel sorry for him.

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Happy christmas to everyone, although I was quite worried about the loneliness after his family trying ruin this morning it made me realise just how wonderful life is without him or them bothering us, and I’m proud that after this morning upset I REFUSED to let them ruin any more of the day.

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I just wanted say well done to, it must be incredibly hard to be in a refuge but hopefully they will help you come up with a plan to get everything back on track for you. You have the most important thing with you, your little girl and you are showing her a great example by getting out! I can really relate with the worrying about your partner though, I have images of him sat crying on his own, struggling get by, he tells me he will kill himself etc and I feel a huge amount of guilt. But like other ppl said a lot of it is looking at things with rose tinted glasses. Whenever you worry about him, try and replace that thought with what he has done to you and your daughter. He really doesn’t deserve to have you worrying about him. Just concentrate on you and your daughter and I wish you all the best

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Hi tea tea tea, no he does not have contact with them at the moment! I always thought of it as me being to sensitive but its really not, I know a lot of kids play fight but I think when its the parent initiating it, its not really right. Definetly about showing who is more in “control”. Like the other ladies said my advise is just have a word with your little one about what has upset them and then if you can talk to your partner and say that your child really isn’t liking it and take it from there. Its really only now I see how wrong all this play fighting was and it wasn’t playing at all. Xxx

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