WhiskyRose

[WhiskyRose]

Thank you everyone for all your responses, reading them all has brought me to tears again, and thank you for your kind words and support most of all, it really makes a difference to how much I feel that I’ve got this.

I have spoken to local DA lines but really I think all I can do is persevere and try to hang onto my sanity, which slips now and again like in my original post.

I’ve learnt that the order of sale process doesn’t really care about DA, it’s only about the interests in the house and process to sell it.

I’ve considered occupation order, I know you need a strong case and the problem I’m having with mine, is that he has changed tactics since I started the process to leave him, it’s all covert and sly control, he’s stopped most of the screaming and verbal abuse. I’m also trying to put all my costs into getting out of the house.

I’ve tried to get as much support as I can, I’ve logged it with the Police, my GP, friends & family, and I’m starting the freedom programme soon too. It’s crazymaking as I feel that I can’t do much more to stop him other than keep going down the route I’m on unless I leave the house.

@wantstohelp, you make some really good points, even when I get the order of sale, there is still the process of selling the house which he will make very very difficult. I’m going to have a good think about those scenarios, or at least when it happens it won’t be a shock.

thank you everyone and I really hope you all find a way out of your situations, it’s amazing how similar these men are, they think they are so unique and special but they all play the same games… love to you all

[WhiskyRose]

Hi lovecoffee,

I can only offer my experience, and maybe it will resonate or maybe it will just be another perspective.

I am also living with and trying to get out of a emotionally manipulative abusive relationship, which is non violent.
I have heard him say the exact things that you have said in your post, that it is only a reaction to me, and what I have done to him. It is a way for him to manipulate and confuse you and make you feel crazy. My thoughts were ‘how is it me, what have I done?’ but it is a way for them to make you focus on yourself and how you are at fault and distract you away from their behaviour and their wrongness. They are never to blame in their heads, it’s all everyone elses fault, especially yours – but this is not true, that in itself is abuse.

I put off talking to the police because it was not violent, I don’t have kids, and felt like it wasn’t as bad as other people have it. I filled out a Clares Law form online to see if he had any history recorded, and from that the police then contacted me to talk and do a risk assessment. Mine came out as Low, which means they don’t really do anything but the important thing is…. it’s recorded.

That’s super important, if anything further escalates, the police have a record of the fact he has been abusive. My friends explained to me how important it is even if there is no action from them other than having a record of events, and how the behaviour has made you feel.

For support that the police may not give you, there is so much support on the womensaid chat and local helplines that have really helped me. most importantly it’s given me confidence to continue to try and leave him and education, knowledge of what he’s doing, when he’s doing it so I know it isn’t me, it is him and he is trying to manipulate.

Sorry for the long post, wanted to let you know you are not alone

Best of luck xx

[WhiskyRose]

Happy Christmas everyone, I wish you all peace and love

[WhiskyRose]

Sorry you are feeling like this on Christmas, please remember he wouldn’t have been arrested for no reason and you deserve much more than being assaulted at any time never mind on Christmas. I hope you manage to have some peace this Christmas, it sounds like your relatives were trying to look out for you x

[WhiskyRose]

thank you all, I’ll have a good think and might talk to them but understand what they will do with the information first – thank you all for your perspectives!

[WhiskyRose]

Good luck!

Have a look at these websites, they offer so much guidance and free helplines too. A lot of solicitors I have found offer a free 30 minutes at the start especially around abuse – yes, even emotional!!

Home

Home

I am not married but we own a house together and going through trying to get out too, with him refusing. I have tried everything but solicitors is the only answer if he does not co-operate.

If you are financially dependent on him you will likely qualify for legal aid too

Good luck xx

[WhiskyRose]

@kitkat44 – it’s exhausting!!!

I knew what he was doing as he was doing it to me time and time again for over a year, though kept hanging onto the good times, it took way too many ‘crisis’ to act on it though I eventually reached a limit!

The more you pull away the more they try every tactic to ‘win’ because to them it’s about winning, even if in reality no one wins!

all the best, wish you lots of strength and love x

[WhiskyRose]

thank you @KIP, I have been writing it down, told my GP this week, and am taking steps with a solicitor as of today! Good advice re phone charge.

I always assumed when people said it was the most dangerous time.. that they meant physically. I’m definitely learning that’s not always true. psychologically it’s torture

[WhiskyRose]

thanks @bananaboat, we joint own it, I want to leave by now for my own sanity, he won’t allow it to go on the market – can I put it on without his consent ? XX

[WhiskyRose]

I feel you, I am here too, it’s a very real feeling. I have recently built the strength through reaching out for support to end it, though i’m still here trying to battle my way – what really helped me is actually feeling powerful and free when telling people ! I don’t tell everyone everything but even the ‘we are separating’ or a snippet it makes me feel much stronger and I look forward to telling people now, using it as a power as opposed to letting it scare me. People have been much kinder and more understanding than I thought xx

[WhiskyRose]

A little update.. I have remained strong on my leaving stance a month on ! it has been a seriously hard month and it’s far from over. I am having to bring in solicitors given he will not talk to me at all xx

[WhiskyRose]

Well done for taking the step to protect yourself and your kids! Honestly it’s so courageous and I wish you all the luck and positivity in the world x

[WhiskyRose]

I am completely 1000% feeling like I’m in the exact same boat as you are…

I have the same situation, dream house, dream village, dream friends/neighbours/community, everything is perfect and from the outside the relationship looks it to but it’s not. I’m finding it so hard to leave when he’s Mr Nice, I just feel like I don’t have the confidence/assertiveness and I’m clouded by guilt and doubt.

I have also been looking at options for months, and would have to sell the house and move away, and I know it will not change and I HAVE to get out.. but I can’t bring myself to do it

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and it’s not you.. mine also has the same behaviours, the same accusations and projections that I am not supportive, or available enough etc.

Mine also spoils every holiday or event by causing a fight over nothing, screaming at me then stonewalling me for weeks, then pretending nothing ever happened.

I recently found out that all his past relationships have gone a similar way, and feel sick at the thought of how he would treat children – all I can say is please don’t think it’s you, or that you’re alone.

I am stuck in that mirage of having a ‘dream life’ and know children/dog/etc will not help.. it would just give him more ammunition and control… it’s him trying to give excuses (stress, environment, grass is always greener..) and placate you so that you stay with him in this perfect faux life.

Best of luck, you’re not alone <3

[WhiskyRose]

Thank you all, absolutely all of your responses resonate with how I feel! I have been looking at all my options over the past couple of months, secretly, and I’m left with one – sell the house. I think once that is done there is no going back. I am trying to take control of that but it’s really hard alone when the other isn’t playing ball or acting in any way reasonable/rational.

I have been analysing a lot of the ‘events’ that happen and now see it as goading, manipulating and ‘testing’ me then blowing up when I fail to live up to what he expects – and like you say, goal posts always move, and he is never accountable for anything that happens.

I have told a couple of trusted people what’s going on, so do have a bit of support there, but it’s mainly to try to force my own hand into leaving.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it makes me feel a lot less alone, and helps me stop normalising his behaviour

xx

[WhiskyRose]

Hi Gazebo, I have it through relate and managed to get funding from the (detail removed by moderator) charity, though I am sure there are lots of other charities. I found the hardest thing was to ask for it but I’m so glad I did. Best of luck xxx

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