Alone

[Alone]

I’m finding it really hard to let go. I have moments where I know he has been cruel to me and that I should never give him the time of day again, and then the rest of the time I’m hurting like crazy and have to stop myself from contacting him. I know I would be ignored if I did, anyway. I know I can’t forgive him, but I find I’m aching for him to reach out and apologise. Maybe it’s because I have a meeting coming up that is making me anxious. He was the only person who really knew me, so could have helped me plan for it. At times in the past he would even remind me of points I’d forgotten, so I could raise them.

I have to head to work soon and all I want to do is break down and cry. I’ve returned after my accident, and they are being extremely unsupportive. A support plan was put in place, but is not being followed. I was told that I “look okay”. I came back to work earlier than I had to, because I thought they would be supportive in letting me work back up to my full duties! I feel like I’m being treated like the enemy. The worse work gets, the more I want to reach out to my ex!

I’ve gone my whole life without support. People have always treated me wrong. I’m starting to expect nothing else. But I’m now incredibly depressed. If I haven’t got work I don’t brush my teeth or hair, I don’t even eat properly. I’ll have things like crisps that don’t require me moving or making any effort whatsoever. I just want to feel better! I’m trying to make big changes in my life, as my living situation is not fit for an animal. So I’m alternating between working hard and crashing with depression. My GP has referred me for online CBT, but it’s subject to the same waiting time that therapy is. I haven’t been referred for therapy as my work schedule doesn’t allow me much free time at all.

I’ve never felt like this before. With him was the first time I felt like I was accepted, and was happy. He often pointed out how happy I looked. I have no friends, and I’m not close to my family. I really don’t feel okay

[Alone]

Thank you for the reply. I read the info on trauma bonding, and you’re right that it does sound a lot like him and the cycle! After he was unsupportive about the death, I grew cautious with him, but then things got better and better. Then he was gone again. Then, when we reconnected it was amazing – the apologies were so sincere and with tears in his eyes, saying all the right words about sleepless nights thinking about me, that he’d made a huge mistake and so on.

The mistake he’s made in cutting me off this time is that he didn’t wait until there was something else to blame it on. Everything was great. And also, the trust hadn’t been rebuilt after the previous time either. He also didn’t leave it long, it’s the quickest he’s ever blocked me after reconnecting – so it’s like it broke me out of a spell!

I think he’s enjoying the control, enjoying having people chasing and wanting him, as he’s been alone most of his life. I always understood that’s why he needed space at times, but when it comes to serious events – death, hardship, accidents and so on – he should WANT to be there. I’ve always put my own things aside to support him when needed.

And since this new woman came along, he’s doing this to us both. We are both blocked at opposite times though, so he’s always got someone. I won’t be here if/when he tries to come back around though! And I’ve noticed that with both of us, he blocks us but always leaves one form of communication open. I think that’s for the thrill of being chased.

I’m still struggling though. I’m going through a hard time, and it’s making me want to reach out to him. I’m being strong and stopping myself though. He’s the first man I ever loved, the first one I’ve ever trusted. So it’s really hard to feel like I no longer have that happiness.

If the tearful apologies were fake, then this man has really missed his calling as an actor.

[Alone]

I just can’t shake this sense of being too tired to keep starting over, why do I never manage to build anything that sticks, that I get to keep? I feel hopeless, like it’s all in vain and that I have to finally admit it to myself. I’m really struggling

[Alone]

Did you manage to get any help? Doing everything alone is something I am really struggling with! I spent £200 on a wardrobe-chest of drawer combo set, only to realise that when it said “two people build” it meant it. I’ve now been living for over a year with the pieces everywhere, as I was unable to manage, and it’s blocked access to my windows! I have old furniture that I need to get rid of, but I cannot physically get it down the stairs on my own! I contacted my council, who told me that for a fee they would take it to a dump once it’s down the stairs, but there is zero support for actually getting it down there! Removal men would charge me over £100, just to carry three things down for me… I feel stuck in a mess, and the stress is costing me friendships that are very dear to me. I feel worse than I did before! Starting to wish I could go back in time…

[Alone]

That’s what I always struggle with in traumatic situations – the aftermath. In a situation, I’m great. There was violence at work recently, and I jumped in and handled it. Got me a promotion. But the things that have happened in my life are haunting me, to the point I wanted to end it all

[Alone]

Thank you for the replies.

I’ve spoken to shelter, and they talked me through succession, tenancy, joint tenancy, I can’t remember what she said I am classed as legally, but I asked her to email me the information, and I’m still going through it.

Based on the information I provided, it wasn’t clear who had the tenancy, so I spoke to the council, which has unfortunately caused a major argument within my family. All I did was call them saying I was grieving at the time we were handling things, and I would like to confirm whether it’s a joint tenancy, and who has it in their name. Everyone is so angry with me…

Well it looks like it is in his name, and shelter have confirmed that he does have the right to downsize and evict me. If that happens, I will have to apply to the council separately for help, and I’d be entitled to emergency help such as a hostel, but I wouldn’t be entitled to council housing myself, as I would be too far down the priority banding.

It’s all such a mess. I’m so stressed, and everyone is angry at me for making enquiries, but my response is that it’s the responsible thing to do! Of course I want to know my position and my rights, I’m sick of him holding this over me and threatening me with homelessness, when I’m the only person here cleaning and maintaining the property!

I cant think clearly, I’m too stressed right now

[Alone]

Never mind, I’ve decided to forget about it

[Alone]

I was told none of that would help me. I already fought that battle and lost, so now I’m trying to think outside the box for other ways around this.

[Alone]

Thanks for the replies. No, I can’t get a council place on my own, I tried that a couple of years ago. They told me I had to be disabled or pregnant or have children to get housing. I was homeless at the time they told me that

[Alone]

Tried to call two or three times, maybe more, I don’t know! He’s in the next room! ~I remember someone on another forum giving me the text number. Google says the number for texting is limited, and doesn’t provide it. He suddenly shone light in my face when I was sitting in my dead mum’s room; saying he’s worried about me. Didn’t care earlier, I have the recording to prove it. Swelling above my eye, wonder if it’s going to bruise. 5:56 am. Wanted to sleep 5 hours ago, but he was shouting at me

[Alone]

Hi, just so confused whether it’s my fault or not, and whether I need to shut up and put up or get out at the moment. Feeling like I need people to persuade me to leave. It’s so hard. Not in a relationship, this is potential abuse from a sibling after an abusive parent passed away. Drunk and lost. I work six days a week, and unsociable hours, so too easy to push everything aside. I hate the name alone. but in reality, I guess it’s what I am

[Alone]

I’m sorry, I’m stressed and drinking so can’t reply properly, but I wanted to say post as much as you need to. I hope someone will be able to say something to help you. Have you tried calling the helpline? I have called them before, not recently (though I should), but it’s good for saying what you need to, and getting a clear, uninvolved response. You can do it alongside posting, but they have a lot more info on getting out.

From your message it sounds like you understand things for what they are, and want some help. Give the helpline a call, and keep posting. Sometimes replies are slow, as people are all going through things in the here and now, but everyone is still here for you.

xx

[Alone]

I’m sorry that I’m in no fit state to reply properly, but I want to say thank you for looking out for my posts and replying. Will try to answer properly when I can. I couldn’t call now because he’s here, but is the helpline 24 hours? I think it is… work is going to be interesting the next few days after this!!

xx

[Alone]

But what if it is me? How do I know?

I’m drinking right now to try to drown out the thoughts and worries… also trying not to contact someone I used to know who has been through this.. I’ve drunk half a bottle of whiskey, I just need to switch my brain off, and then eventually try to get that bath I’ve been wanting for hours :'( Sorry, I can’t think clearly right now, so stressed. I haven’t called the helpline since my mum was alive

[Alone]

I apologise, I am currently in no fit state to respond to the messages left here right now!

Just had a massive incident with my brother. I haven’t slept any earlier than 5am in over a week, and yes – still working six days a week, so you can imagine how exhausted I am! Started getting a bath ready so I could relax and head to bed, and then I heard him opening the boiler cupboard, so I stood and watched him lowering the water temperature. I didn’t say a thing, just stood and watched. Once he realised he’d been caught he attacked! Verbally, emotionally…

I had my phone in my hand, and started recording him. He uses every single thing I say to him, back at me! He claims the whole family says things about me, he starting saying specific things. He claimed that I hit him daily!! I have NEVER laid a finger on him!! He’s asleep when I go to work, and I’m getting a bath ready and going to bed on the rare occasion I’m home first, otherwise he’s in bed when I get home as well! When are these daily beatings supposed to be happening?

He claims the rubbish he has left all over the floor was me, during a temper tantrum. He put it there!!!!

I can’t take this, I find myself sitting here wondering if it’s true that the whole family does talk about me, and that they do believe the things he’s saying, and that’s why they turn a blind eye. He’s got me questioning myself and what i’m doing to make people treat me like this… I don’t want to live this life anymore!! I sent a message to another sibling, saying I need answers to the things I’ve recorded him saying. I’m being ignored.

All I wanted was to take a bath and go to bed… Why does this keep happening? What am I doing? Why don’t I know I’m doing it?

[Alone]

Sorry, I only have a few moments so I don’t have enough time to read the replies others have left, but I wanted to respond to your post.

I’ve been there. I lost all my friends and haven’t had any since, ever since I allowed them to find out about the abuse and was working on getting out at the time. I understand the emotions you’re going through; I’m sure you’re constantly re-thinking and re-living conversations and situations and trying to work out how they were your fault – because blaming yourself means it’s something you can fix, and of course, you want to fix it.

But it’s not your fault. Everyone decides on their own actions, and if your friend is blaming you, it could just be that it’s easier to pin the blame on you, than to admit she struggles with it, or doesn’t know how to handle it, or whatever the case may be.

She could be angry at herself for not noticing, she could be angry at you for ‘lying’ as she said, or it could be something else. Whatever the reason behind her actions, they are not your fault.

I wish I had time to write more eloquently and say more, but I really have to rush off, I apologise for that! But I hope that somehow you find the strength to focus on yourself, do your thing and if she gets in touch in the future, then the ball will be in your court. She has to work through whatever is going through her head in relation to this information about you and your situation, and she has to do that herself. I wanted nothing more than to hear from my best friend again, but eventually I came to realise that I had no respect for his actions or behaviour, and now I’d be happy to never hear from him again. Try to focus on your own personal growth, and allow your friend the space she needs, and just see what happens.

I hope I’ve made some sense! I hate to rush a reply, but I wanted to show I understand, and have been there and try to share my experience!

xx

[Alone]

Thanks for the replies.

To be honest, I don’t know if I am on the tenancy at all. I’m told I’m not, that it’s gone to my sibling and I’m just ‘here’. I’ve been told he has the right to evict me at any time, without notice, but I don’t understand what I am really. I’ve been trying to call Shelter to find out if they can advise me on my status and rights, but I’ve had limited privacy to make calls and difficulty getting through. I’m not sure if they have a closing time for their helpline, but I will have some alone time tonight and try again then. When the tenancy was passed on to him after my mum’s death, the council didn’t send on a contract. I tried to get him to request one, but he is completely useless and won’t do it!

You’re right LONC that he won’t change, I’m starting to see it. He was temporarily nice after my mum passed away, but now I feel like his true colours are coming out, and I feel stupid that I didn’t see them sooner, I always saw him as a weak bystander to the way my mum treated me. Now I constantly question whether he was actually behind it somehow, whispering poison in her ear, perhaps? But I’ll never know, and it hurts to know that.

I’m really stressed right now, my exhaustion has got so bad that my muscles are weak, and as someone who loves working out, that is really upsetting to me! I injured myself just walking across a road, and my muscles hurt and twitch a lot. I’ve also developed a very severe dental infection that requires dental surgery, and no idea how I am going to find time or money for that. I took some time off one of my jobs in the hopes I would start to recover and tackle the things that need sorting, including reducing my crazy six day a week workload, but literally nothing has been resolved (and not through lack of trying! Anything that needs input from others just never goes according to plan!) and I feel like I’m going back into it in a worse state than I was in before, because of the infection and increased muscle weakness.

I feel overwhelmed and a little lost for where to start, and how to separate everything I have to deal with. And now I’m due to return to my crazy work schedule! Argh!

xx

[Alone]

Thanks for the reply.

He doesn’t know he’s about to be asked to leave, he hasn’t threatened to hurt himself, but past behaviour of things he has done to himself give us genuine concerns that he might. He’s not the type to actually say anything, just more likely to go off and do it. He’s not someone who can cope on his own.

Thanks anyway.

x

[Alone]

Hi, Thanks for the reply.

The man in question hasn’t threatened to do anything to himself, but knowing how he is, myself and someone else are concerned that he might. He doesn’t know he’s about to be asked to leave, I’m just trying to work out the safest way to make it happen

[Alone]

I haven’t been online in a while, so have only just seen this message. Thank you for your words of support. I’m feeling really, really low today and so can’t respond clearly. Seeing your message has helped bring tears to the surface that were bubbling just underneath and driving me mad!

xx

[Alone]

Thank you so much for the replies. I was worried about posting when feeling so anxious!

I am still constantly questioning whether it is him or me. The fact that it has switched from my mum abusing me to my brother is a never ending question mark over everything!

I am again feeling very stressed and desperate. I am hiding somewhere at work writing this before I have to go back, and just holding everything in!

The last two days he has done nothing but threaten to evict me. In front of other family members even. There was laughter. I told them I am glad they find my situation entertaining, but that I am very stressed about it!

He lies about absolutely everything. I scrubbed something clean, and in front of others he claims he did it. Because I am so on edge I react immediately upset, then of course am coming across as the awful person he tells everyone I am. He constantly changes the amount I need to pay in rent, and then in front of others, threatens to evict me for underpayment!

I’ve checked with shelter today, and he is actually right that I have no legal rights to stay in the home. If he wants me out, I’ve got nothing. And he actively threatens me with this constantly!

He either texts me simple lies, for instance during a verbal argument will text the opposite of what he is saying. I will give a completely fake example, as we both do our own washing up. So if for example he was screaming at me that I hadn’t done the washing up, and I was replying it’s not my turn, or not my washing or whatever the response would be, he would verbally be aggressive and angry, but at the same time would send me a text saying something like “you agreed you would do the washing up all this week, why haven’t you done it?” Then when I read that and in shock respond verbally, he will say that the neighbours have heard me being upset and loud, that the text proves he said something innocent and make out I blew up over nothing! And now he’s even started recording me! He will say something, record my upset response and then stop recording to give his response and then start recording me again.

I honestly feel like I am going mad. I can’t take much more.. it’s been a couple of years of one thing after another and I literally do not have the strength for all of this anymore.

There’s more I could say, but I have to head back to work very shortly and just wanted to try to release a bit of that in the hopes I won’t burst into tears!

xx

[Alone]

Hi, thank you for the reply!

I’m really not sure how to respond, to be honest with you! I like what you said about being a parent to myself, and thinking of what caring relatives would want for me. I used to do something similar; where I would imagine a friend was going through things I was, and the advice I would give them. I haven’t had any friends in my life for a while now, so it’s not as easy as it once was to use that method!

Regarding moving, I do think there is an element of me hanging on, especially with my concerns of becoming homeless again. Staying is definitely a cheaper option, particularly as I live in an area that has a reputation for high costs of living! Despite working so much, I earn less than four figures a month, and as I’m trying to work out how to reduce my hours, I’m not sure yet what my finances will be in the near future.

I am so exhausted today that my head is pounding.. I had a situation at work very recently where I was so worn out that my mind went blank, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I was attempting to complete a very simple, basic task! But I just couldn’t hold the information in my head long enough to get it done. I felt anxious and very close to tears, someone at a lower level than me had to come over and break the task down for me and talk me through it. I was embarrassed, and distressed about it!

I can’t go on like this, the exhaustion is affecting me in so many ways but I don’t want to lose my job, and if one of my colleagues was in this position I would tell them to be honest with the managers, tell them what they are going through and what they need, and I would offer to support or mentor them. But I can’t take my own advice. Experience has taught me that I need to do things for myself and involve no one, but that’s causing me to go around in circles, on autopilot and puts everything I am afraid of losing at risk! And I’ve now got another physical symptom that someone told me they also suffered from when overworking, and that they were told it would become a permanent issue if not dealt with. I feel like I don’t know how to stop.

I came home and the relative I live with made a very nasty, untrue comment towards me and I always just have to take it, if I try to respond it just gets worse and he always wins! I just want to scream!

I haven’t got work today, but I can’t rest as I’ve got to go through documents and paperwork that I need in order to apply for a change to my work pattern. It will be ten days until I have time off again…

I barely slept last night as I was having one dream after another about my mum, in some she was alive, in others she was gone, in one I was homeless and being chased and arrested for trying to sleep in an abandoned building. In a half awake state I could feel myself crying in my sleep.

I really feel ashamed of myself.

x

[Alone]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Just statutory sick pay, which wouldn’t cover my rent. My GP doesn’t like to sign me off anyway, last time I went to speak to them they told me to ‘keep busy’. Keeping busy is driving me loopy! I have no support network whatsoever, so keeping busy is just ignoring things, which is causing them to build up!

I keep meaning to change GP, when I went to them to report the abuse last year they didn’t believe me. There is no understanding of familial abuse at all. I was accused of making it up!

Anyway, just a quick reply as I’m getting ready for work 🙁

[Alone]

Thank you for the replies.

I mean absolutely no offence at all, but I am asked about moving (and answer the question!) every single time I post. I cannot afford to move. I was not entitled to housing when I applied when my mother was alive, and that status hasn’t changed. I pay a very low rent as it is council accommodation, and I am not the tenant, so not entitled to request a move through the council. There is a ten year plus waiting list if I add my name to the list, but I was told I fall into the lowest priority category, which on the forms and their website says should look into alternative housing arrangements. I pay less than three figures weekly, which I cant find anywhere else (I have looked!) and I can’t keep working six days a week.

I drew up spider diagrams of each area of my life that needs working on, and colour co-ordinated them. I keep coming back to needing to sort my jobs ahead of anything else, I have to work out a way to reduce my working pattern, while maintaining a liveable income.

I’m finding myself withdrawing more and more. People who have known me since infant school have stopped talking to me since my mum died. I literally have no one in my life to just hang out with, and I don’t even try to share what I’m going through with anyone. I just don’t have that faith or trust in anyone anymore, and doubt I ever will again. I can’t even work out why I’m doing all this, why I keep getting up every day and going to work, coming home and all preparations are for the next work day. I really just can’t see the point in anything, I’ve lost all motivation and all hope. No matter what has happened, I’ve always had a shred of hope, but now it’s just gone.

Sorry to moan.

xx

[Alone]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

No I can’t afford to move, I’ve looked into it several times, I can’t afford to on the earnings of working six days a week, and I can’t keep up working at this level. Some days I finish one job in the evening, go straight to the next for the night, then straight back to the other in the day. I’m just done with it all. The only thing that makes sense is that I am the problem, why else would the cycle just keep repeating itself? I can’t go through this again, I feel like I’ve been chasing a life I’m not capable of having. I’m someone that people just can’t stand, and I have to face it!

[Alone]

I got so anxious yesterday that I ended up getting drunk last night, so I apologise if my responses don’t come across well!

Thank you for the replies. It means a lot when people take the time to respond. I agree with a lot of the things you have both said. I feel like every time I accept things and stop blaming myself, and even manage to put a positive spin on it, something happens to snatch it all away, and then I end up back feeling like it’s got to be my fault, to constantly end up in the same place.

I also agree that isolation can make progress very difficult. I used to always say that working things out for yourself is a great thing, but it means you only ever get one opinion. And because of abuse, my opinion of myself is very low, that I’m useless etc, and I discover when I mix with others that people disagree with that, and often (when I’m not having a meltdown like I am now) think quite highly of me. But I’m not around anyone who knows me, and no one seems to want to talk to me right now. Twice recently I have either overheard or been told of people using me as an example of someone who copes well, and comparing themselves to ME! Me, who is silently falling to pieces. Having friends, family and colleagues who believe in me really helps when I’m having moments where I don’t believe in myself. (But as I said, I’m not around these people anymore)

I was the same with my mum, constantly trying to understand and forgive her behaviour, trying to work out the secret combination that would unlock the understanding and mean she would treat me like a human being, as she did others.

I’ve got to get ready for work now, but I just wanted to try to reply quickly. I will try to find/check out the resources you have both mentioned. Thank you

xx

[Alone]

Hi Sahara,
thanks for your reply. I think that there’s been a slight misunderstanding with some of the points I was making, but that’s fine. I know it’s difficult for me to be clear when writing things that get me thinking or emotional.

I wouldn’t call the counselling complete, as it was only two sessions, so only focused on dealing with the initial feelings of anxiety. I remember saying in another post that I was unhappy with this, as it was touching on the symptom, not the problem, but it was helpful to learn these tools and use them to help with panic attacks whilst looking for more suitable support. I have been looking into support groups, but haven’t yet spotted one I can get to. I was given advice on how to find out about local groups, which I will do when I have time off work.

I’ve been without friends for more than a year now, and got in the habit of rejecting invitations etc, so am working on not being afraid to accept invitations, or even issue them myself and get out a bit. I think it’s very unhealthy to continue to live in isolation, and in fact I find it makes it difficult to make some of the changes I want, as I am so out of practice with dealing with people on a non-work level. I can handle customers with ease, but if alone with someone in the staff room, I need to stop being afraid of what could happen and just relax and have a chat. I can’t focus only on my bereavement and the abuse, I need to start having something in my life outside of that.

I hope I’ve made sense, I’m not feeling too great today. It was my mum’s birthday recently, and I found it made everything fresh. Last night I sat beside her bed, just staring at it until 1:30am. Now I’m just sitting around until I have to leave for work. I wish I had someone I could call, just for a general chat, to get me out of my own head. My jobs are so easy that they don’t require much thought, and so don’t provide me with a distraction!

Take care.
x

[Alone]

Thanks for the link, I read through it and actually made some notes. It had some pretty useful stuff on it!

[Alone]

Hi, thank you for the replies.

It’s telephone counselling, so I wouldn’t be able to hand any notes to the counsellor. There’s also been a mix up so I only two sessions, this was the first, so I only have one more.

I’m not sure whether I will try to access more support, I might give the support groups a go before I give up though, as I feel it may be different, seeing as it will have other survivors in there too. I’m a little concerned though as I know a lot of people find familial abuse very difficult to accept/believe. I feel like I don’t know where I stand with my own thoughts at the moment, I keep thinking how it wasn’t supposed to be this way, I was going to get myself sorted and move, I was going to escape and be proud of everything I gained, as I’d worked so hard for it. But now that she’s died, it just all feels like such a betrayal. I realised recently that I was the last person she ever spoke to. She would hate that! All she ever wanted was me gone. I can’t help feeling that she’s somewhere, hating me for still being here and her not 🙁

xx

[Alone]

I did that too, when I was abused by family. I told them how my confidence was destroyed, and how they were impacting me, but I just gave them further knowledge to target me even better! The same thing happened when I spoke to my manager who was bullying me. He cut my hours and I told him I was being abused at home and really needed to make money to support myself. He then cut my hours to a single figure a week, and my situation got a million times worse.

[Author]

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