Anon123

[Anon123]

Dear new mummy😀,
I’m so saddened by your post, it’s so easy to get isolated by our partners. You do need to keep calling the police as no matter ‘what you do ‘ there is no excuse for his behaviour, they find a reason for ‘something you’ve done ‘ even if there isn’t anything. Think of your new little one you don’t want them growing up in that atmosphere. If you get a chance can you share with your health visitor, or try to go to some baby groups/sure start centre as you really need to find someone who you can turn to when things get worse. Someone who would notice if you hadn’t turned up. I realise with your anxiety and depression you probably don’t feel like going out -have you got any help for this as it could be post natal (this is totally normal ). Do keep,posting on here. Try and think about getting out and maybe do the freedom programme as they had free childcare when I did mine.

[Anon123]

Hi,
I’m really sorry to hear what your going through, I know the fear of being homeless is awful but actually that’s what keeps us being stuck in the awful situation. I wish I had taken the step and moved out not thinking about financial implications as it just gets more and more tied with other things. As the tenancy is in your name you could give notice, without him finding out and then you will know from that date you will be free. It maybe easier than trying to get him evicted. Hopefully your notice period is small or try and find out if you can pay extra to get out of the contract sooner (sometimes it can be one months rent ) may seem a lot but worth it to get your life back xx

[Anon123]

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. You need to let the police know the picture his relatives sent and also your concerns. If you can get a cheap pay as you go second phone (tesco do a £10 one ) and charge it and put it somewhere so you always have a second chance if needed to call 999.
Also make sure your phone numbers are up to date with the police so if you call they will know it’s you and you are on their priority list,

[Anon123]

Dear tupence,
I’m pleased you have the hope of your new home and a new start.
It’s not easy but I think you need to put yourself first and if you don’t want to go on Holiday, don’t.
I would say move into your new home as soon as you can, even if it means living in one room. The children will be excited by the new home, a holiday may be nice but you are more important than that, they won’t enjoy you’re not.
Also I take it that he’s going to be there, another reason definately not to go.
Please remember you’re new lovely start and all the plans you can make for how your home is going to be.
Xx

[Anon123]

Please post and let us know how you are.
We all understand and won’t judge you even if you have gone ahead and married him.
We know how difficult it all is and you are probably feeling totally alone and cut off from everyone.
This is an awful time if everyone is expecting you to be on honeymoon as they wont disturb you -that means the abuse can and will get worse.
Please ensure you stay in contact with friends and or family no matter what he says as you’re going to need them,,it’s not easy as you feel you need to hide everything to them but please don’t.
We can all support you in this so please let us put our awful experiences to good use.

[Anon123]

I totally understand how you are feeling. I guess our awful memories catch up with us and it’s our bodies way of dealing with it.
It helps me plan one thing to look forward to every day -however small, also to just take little steps and not try to plan ahead. I focus on what I’m doing for the next few hours or if really bad the next 15mins,
It does get easier, you’ve gone through so much.
Counselling helped me.

[Anon123]

I’ve actually had my ex turn up at school when i was there for collecting him.
It was awful, luckerly he had been threatening to do this for ages so I told a friend, went to the classroom and asked for him making an excuse then ran crazy with him with my friend helping to the car. Was awful, really feel for you. With parental responsibility they can collect from school anytime despite specific court orders as school did nothing.
My son wasn’t aware his dad was at the school, after that for a while I collected my son from the office. Even now He just turns up Very early (two hours )to collect and school and educational body do nothing -cos of parental responsibility, went back to court and they did nothing either as school had allowed it.
Like you my son would never stand up to his dad.
I think on a positive note have a plan of what you would do if he turned up, make sure in the car have money,petrol, phone etc if he’s likely to follow you . So ensure you don’t need to go straight Home as obviously he would turn up there and cause a scene. I would make the school aware too, remember you can call the police whilst driving in an emergency (I never knew this).
I thought it was only me having an ex like that.

[Anon123]

How did this morning go?
I wondered if their dad was awful to you on the way home yesterday after his awful behaviour in the car park.
Are you okay?
Perhaps you could use any free time you have to get advice for leaving him and start making those first little steps. Getting child benefit and the tax credits paid into your account will make it easier because you won’t have so many financial worries when you leave, you could use starting school as a reason and how there are school things to pay for e.g.cake sales, that you need the cash for.
I know them having a financial hold you makes it more difficult to get out.
Best of luck

[Anon123]

He turned up in the end (detail removed by moderator) hrs later than he said, phoning me to say he where he was (which was a really close location ) but actually he wasn’t there and it was (detail removed by moderator)hrs after that.
I know it’s mind games as he kept me waiting, thinking I couldn’t do anything that would make noise incase I didn’t hear the door knocking /get to the door quickly and then he would do what he did before and drive off again with the child and also other times involved my family.
I still feel drained by this now -doesn’t help with lack of sleep as Child is so clingy, angry, wants to kill me! Or the other extreme of needing to hold the strings on my jumper or my hair!
I just don’t know where I’m going. Trying to take it easy today as feel so tired.
Any ideas?

[Anon123]

I hope your day today goes much better and you feel confident,
how have your colleagues been? I hope they werent negative about it.

[Anon123]

Sorry to hear your struggles I know where you are coming from. A child only legally needs to be in school from the term after their 5th birthday so even if yours is 5 this term they don’t need to be there, I know you will want to keep the school place so I used to collect mine at lunchtime and have fun afternoons with them. Makes it so much easier for them (plus it keeps you out of the house. )You will have to speak to the school but explain your reasons for doing so. It worked a joy with mine as they only went to school till noon. The school will say about them missing out on afternoon lessons, friendships etc and you don’t have to do it every day.BUT do ensure consistency. So maybe stick to mon to thur with fri all day.
Also remember being there for 9am isn’t the law either until the term after their 5th birthday. So have a relaxing morning, maybe walk their if you can just the two of you, make it fun.
Also if you can help in his classroom that might make it easier too but again consistency is important.
I really feel for you with you going through all that in the car park xx

[Anon123]

I think you can apply to a contact centre yourself -it’s not the ones where it’s one staff to one child but the ones with lots of children going.
They are free. You can email them and fill in a form.
That way you wouldn’t have to stop contact but he wouldn’t be totally alone with them.

[Anon123]

Great idea with saying I’m pleased to have caught up on things.( I have done all the ironing! )I guess being grateful will really annoy him and so I definitely will remember this when I open the door. Will remember to be ultra calm as I’m always fearful of his behaviour.
Also it means I can’t have anyone waiting when he’s dropping off as they could be here all day and that’s how I nearly got hurt again last time. S.services said to have someone here but don’t see what I can do. Worse when meeting in a public place as he hurt me in a supermarket car park with people around (who did nothing ),
I really appreciate your input as I feel so alone I’ve text ‘friends’but they haven’t even replied.

[Anon123]

Thank you so much serenity for your advice. I was struggling with having no reply on here either so thank you. I contacted nspcc and they were really helpful and told me to also contact out of hours social services.
It’s really awful as I don’t actually mind when they return but it’s the not knowing and the control he has by making me wait in all day. I wish he would just stick to a certain time.
Has your situation improved with regard to child arrangements.

[Anon123]

Sadly there is no advocacy service in my area. The Job centre were really awful when I went there, showed no understanding of the situation and insisted I had to go there on an inset day which I explained I can’t as my child struggles with anything at the moment.
I left having been bombarded with information and things I needed to do. I explained it was too much but basically I was told if I wanted the money that’s what I need to do. I did ask her to speak to her manager which she did but said I had no choice, had to go there weekly, she couldn’t phone me when children were off, had to do all the tasks.
Since then I’ve stuggled so much, not being able to sleep, very tired continually, panic attacks.
Then I had a phone call yesterday telling me that I can fill in a form stating I’ve suffered domestic abuse and that will mean I don’t have to go in if children are off school.
That’s a start but I don’t know how to cope with all the things she’s told me to do, or having to go to group meetings.
I’m trying to work out whether it’s possible to live without the money but that will leave me with just tax credits and child benefit which is £(detail removed by moderator) a month, but I’ve got the mortgage to pay.
Which will leave me with £(detail removed by moderator) a month.
I’m also guessing if you don’t claim benefit you cant get council tax reduction either.
I need to still contact turn to us and citizens advice.but feeling totally overwhelmed and sick.
I’ve lived on much less before but I’m scared about doing that again, have awful memories of being freezing cold,no hot water, no food yet at the same time I can’t cope with what she’s asking.
Any ideas ?

[Anon123]

I thought it was just me who felt like this,thank you for sharing
I’m a lot better now, since I took a bit of control back as I used to buy the foods he liked still.
I spent hours writing down all the foods we liked (me and kids ) and then I look at it and write down some before shopping. I get most on home delivery.
It does get easier.

[Anon123]

Continued -I remembered !
They are called Home start, they have a website and loads of places round the uk.
I would suggest their one to one support would suit you best especially as they have as per their website people who are trained to help those leaving an abusive relationship.
Their groups are excellent too and they let you go for a coffee and they mind the children for a short time which when you never get a break is lovely although I would suggest you ask for the person coming over to you.
It’s also free.
Sure start centres can also be a help too.
I wish I had known this when mine were little. I would get all the help you can as then things will be easier in the long term. Let us know how you get on.

[Anon123]

I would be careful how much contact and avoid unsupervised access you give him to your little one. I don’t want to worry you but I feel you should know that if its what the baby is used to then once they are able to leave you
e.g. On a bottle
then court cases can be 50% of time with each parent.
Obviously you wouldn’t trust him alone with your little one and I know it’s awfully hard on your own. I know there are organisations who can help you when you’ve got a small child but I can’t remember their name -basically they come to the house and play with your little one so you can catch up on chores or help with light housework /ironing or just to sit and have a chat. When I remember I will let you know.
Best of luck -remember to write everything down when you get a chance so it will be easier when you apply for your non molestation, I had to do mine in such I rush I hardly remembered much.

[Anon123]

I was thinking of you
Also avoid getting a room of your own, however lovely it may seem if you are offered it, it’s far safer to be on a ward, hospitals are very busy especially during visiting hours so it would be easy for him to turn up. In a side room no one can see or hear what is going on,
Also try to stay in hospital as long as you can, let staff know if you don’t feel ready to go home. By leaving hospital longer than normal will be in a far better place emotionally and physically as well as having the chance to get to know your little one with any support immediately there that you might need. Plus all you have to focus on is you and the little one and not any household jobs or entertaining visitors.
If you can explain the situation you’re in to a senior member of staff or you midwife before you go into labour.
Best wishes

[Anon123]

Please don’t let him be there. This is based on experience -my ex was present, he spent the whole time ((detail removed by Moderator)) chatting up the staff and ignoring my needs, then plenty of times the midwife left me saying he was to call her if needed.staff also asked his options about what I needed and not me.
That was awful. Then the reward he got at the end was to hold my baby before me and when I went to get washed he was left alone with them, he then walked off and I returned and staff didn’t know where they (he and the baby )were.
Awful, childbirth needs to be free from that stress and emotional abuse.
Please focus on you and your lovely little one to be. If you are free from stress about him it will be an easier labour and you can be how you need to be without thinking about his actions or comments.
Do let us know how you get on.

[Anon123]

Thankyou for all the support. I didn’t know about fake blue lights or not having to pull over immediately. Thank you so much for this.
Xx

[Anon123]

Thank you so much for your excellent advice serenity.
It’s so hard knowing what they are going through but I’m going to
Boost their foundations when they get back -thank you so much for your ideas

[Anon123]

It’s really gutting that they get to see our evidence first, the whole court system makes no sense at all to me. I really feel for you it’s awful and obviously he then gets to base his argument on what you’ve written so he’s in a better position before the judge. I would report the abuse as it should help.
Best of luck

[Anon123]

I’m pleased you have a record on here of what’s been going on. It’s really easy to distance yourself and feel like you’re reading about someone else’s life or being able to blank it out, as that’s our bodies way of coping.
If a friend was in your situation or your child if you have one would you want their life like this -would you tell them to leave?
Just remember that abuse doesn’t stay at the same level -gradually it builds up more /gets worse without you noticing. Then it will be more difficult to leave as he will have gained even more control.
No one should have to live any time with worry and fear of what will happen. Please seriously consider how things have changed and when you will say that’s enough and leave -cos sadly I feel eventually you are going to have to -maybe start making small steps now of your move out plan.

[Anon123]

Family support worker told me herself.any ideas what I can do?

[Anon123]

Why is my ex behaving worse when social services are involved ? Makes no sense
Is he trying to see how much he can get away with, or making himself look better when he decides to ‘improve ‘
Feels really upsetting.
Just feels like as an adult it was awful for me to leave but eventually I managed to do it -yet the children have no choice, they have to see their dad even despite his behaviour.
I wish I was able to protect them and let them enjoy their childhood without this fear. It’s awful they are not protected.
Anyone feel like I do – that the abuse is exactly like what you went through.

[Anon123]

Thank you a little lost for your wise words especially there is nothing weak about needing a bit of help.

[Anon123]

I haven’t replied for a while as I didn’t want my ex to know when it was as he wasn’t there. He is going to be invited to the next one.
It went well although I’m struggling a bit as I’ve been told if u fail,to protect the children they will be going down the child protection route.
I’ve got a court order which I’ve been sticking to -I’ve taken it back to court and have the judge tell me we need to get along! Police been little help. I feel I’ve done my best for the children and other than stopping contact and breaking the court order I can’t do much.
So ive go to take back to court again -anyone been in a similar situation?
Feel I’m coping with just the basics at the moment never mind this on top.
Also they want me to go to the gp as they feel I’m anxious. Is that a risky road to go down as I don’t want anyone to think I’m not coping when I am when it’s not him being awful.

[Anon123]

My child’s school,think he is amazing too. How lovely that your social worker could see the truth. I do hope mine will realise as well.
I’m struggling to sleep as my child keeps,telling me loads of stuff that’s happened but won’t share it with anyone else. I feel if I just say ive been told this…the professionals won’t believe me, any ideas on getting your child to share with others I.e.school,,professionals when they are too scared due to past experiences when they have shared and nothing was done,

[Anon123]

Thank you so much Malaya I had no idea about advocacy service at all. Your advice is absolutely amazing.
I will look on the website and follow through all your advice.
sadly I’m trying to sort out child maintenance as I’ve had nothing for months But child Maintence options really not helping much 🙁
I thank you so much for your kindness 😀. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me as everything seems to be going wrong at the moment.

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