AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Sunshine,

Thank you for the encouraging words. That really helps. I’m kind of clutching at straws here.
I find it tough in the refuge.

You say you’re going through the grieving process. Did you also go to a refuge?

How are you coping with all that?

I mean, my first days here are so chaotic, I’m having to figure out the most basic things (like: I made pasta but I haven’t got a strainer! ha ha!)

And this sounds silly but I had a great collection of books that I’d built and lots of them were expensive items (professional or those big ones with illustrations and all sorts) and all that I had to leave behind.

I attach a great value to them and now I’ve lost them….
It will be a long while before I’ll be able to buy them again.
Very dismayed.

Thanks,
Apple

Thanks,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hi Meringue,
Congratulations & high-five! How does it feel?
I left my husband a couple of days ago, this is my third day in a refuge and I feel absolutely awful. Just awful.

I hope it’s much better for you, well done you!
Are you in a refuge?

Apple xxx

[AppleNinja]

Belated congratulations Falling Skys!

It’s really good to hear you’re free at last!

All the best,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello Faith,

I can only echo what TTMO said above: your God loves you.

Your God didn’t give you the gift of life to have it trampled on and squashed by a person who lacks the basic human decency to treat his partner with respect.

It is exactly this type of man who threaten us with hell for being disobedient to them.

A life lived in fear and under someone else’s control is a life wasted, a God’s gift declined.

I know it’s really hard, especially if you are part of a religious community. But I think you could find strength in other communities, such as this one. Just hang in there”

Best,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Oh Akasha, I wish I was as brave as you when you gave it a shot and ran away.

You clearly have a spirit and you’re a fighter!

I know nothing much but I know one thing: your daughter will not miss out on anything if what you have described above is the standard behaviour on your husband’s part.

He’s clearly abusive and manipulative, you’re clearly unhappy and frightened. I have a daughter of the same age as yours and believe me they know something is wrong and they sense it if mummy isn’t well. If it’s a long-term thing, the child becomes more insecure and this is a stressful situation for them. I am no expert, I’m just saying this based on my own experience of what I’m going through with my little girl.

You will not damage your daughter by leaving, you will ensure that she is free of distress.

Do not tell him where your new place is and when you do leave, take your daughter with you (although I doubt I have to say this).

Please do not feel like you won’t be believed, nowadays psychological & emotional abuse is treated as seriously as physical abuse. If you call Women’s Aid or a domestic violence helpline,they will give you a reference number. You can talk to your GP – they will put everything on your file. Keep a journal and record his misbehaviour, how it makes you feel and how you think your daughter is affected by this. All this will form your supporting evidence.

I would contact Women’s Aid before you move out, if you are concerned about his threats.

It’s only natural that you are scared if he threatens you with his friends, what a hero he is!
I don’t know how serious he is about that, you’re in a better position to judge that, but you may be advised to move to another area (if he knows where your new place is) for your and your child’s safety.

It would be wrong to scare you like this, but I wouldn’t take the risk of living too close to him.

Does he know about your new place and is it in his area?

I think that you’re very very brave and you have guts and you’re a very good mum doing everything to protect her child.

You will be enough for her.

Hang it there & please contact the agencies for advice,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello Thismammacan,

Before I say anything else, please know that you are not alone in this situation and you’re not alone whose situation is an utter mess!

I’m very sorry to hear it has gone so far that even your partner’s parents participate in making you feel this way.
You are very brave to have started thinking about getting out. You must be deeply unhappy; and concerned for your children too.

I’m in a very similar position. No immediate family around, no money left, a young child. But there is lots of support and you can get lots of really good advice.

Just do it baby step by baby step.
Can you go and talk to a bank? I don’t see why having a joint account would rule out opening another account just for yourself. I have recently contacted my bank – I am unable to make monthly loan repayments because my partner doesn’t have any income and refuses to do anything about it. I explained my situation and they were, so far, helpful. They are certainly willing to discuss options with me and we’re going to discuss how I can manage my debt and my overall finances.

So if they are helpful with debt, I’m very positive that they will be willing to open a new account for you.

Will you be able to put some money into it though? It sounds like he controls the finances. if you don’t have any money, then I would think of getting into a refuge. Once there, you will be able to claim benefits until you can stand on your feet.

My concern is, as you say, kids picking up on the bad behaviour and learning it. Before you know they will speak to you like that as well and will have an attitude that is hard to change. It’s happened to me with my daughter. So now I have to spend lots of energy explaining to her that we don’t want to speak like daddy does – how confusing is that for a child?!

Your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable and it will have a huge influence on your children. Your children and you deserve better.

Because of your financial situation, I don’t see a better option than go to a refuge. Maybe other girls on here will come up with other ideas but I think that in refuge you’ll get lots of other support as well.

Apple

[AppleNinja]

Ha!
I’ve just viewed what I had written here before and my very first post was about HIM slapping my daughter.
It seems I erase bad memories to be able to cope or whatever. How pathetic!
My daughter deserves a better mother, really.
I should have left after I wrote that first post. I’m ashamed of myself.
I hope that the next string of posts will be written post-escape!

[AppleNinja]

Hi Ayanna,

Thank you, I’ll contact CAB, that’s a good idea.
I can’t believe your abuser claimed maintenance. The arrogance of it! On what grounds?!

Someone has mentioned to me before that I may have to end up paying maintenance. I forgot all about it so I don’t know how it applies. But to tell you the truth, I did have a thought that I’d be quite happy to pay him if it guarantees that he won’t harass us. Provided I can afford it.

I hope you did manage to get out of the debt yourself or you’re at least halfway there.

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Confused123,

It’s great that you have your parents’ support. Don’t back down! I hope that when I make my move, I’ll be as strong and determined as you are.

[AppleNinja]

Hello Confused123,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I think that more than anything I just needed to be reassured, so thank you.

Yes, the debt is a trap. Ironically, in my case, I got into debt because of him. He had stopped working a few years before I moved in with him. His reason was to be there for his daughter after her mum passed away. He acted like he really missed working and it was a huge sacrifice for him to have given up his job to car for the baby. I, idiotically, believed that he would return to work when his little girl is a bit older. And so I thought I was doing a good thing to support him and his daughter. Years passed and it became clear to me that he never intended to work a day in his life again. When asked about going back to work, he’d refuse to discuss it.

And he doesn’t claim anything, he has no income because he won’t deal with authorities. I pay everything and I put money into his bank account. If I don’t – I don’t know… I would be worried how he’d react. He refers to it as his money.

We had a baby together and as the cost of living has been rising, I’ve been in many difficult situations. So one thing led to another and I had to take out the credit card first and then a loan, just to keep the family afloat.

I definitely did not spend any of it on handbags and manicures.

At one point he tells me, while playing on his Xbox!, “The amount of money you give me every month, it’s not enough. so what are you going to do about it?” (He had assaulted me physically in the past too).

It made my blood boil but I also have to admit my own naivety and stupidity. I don’t even know how I got into this mess.

So that is why I am in debt, not for any unreasonable luxury spending or living above my means. It was just to keep us going.

Bizarrely, when we argue and he goes into a rage and he claims that I take his money, that he pays hundreds and hundreds of pounds for me…he sounds completely serious.

I don’t know if I’m missing something here or if he is seriously deluded to the point of some mental health issue because as I’ve said before, he has no income and I’ve been the sole earner ever since I got together with him.

Thank you,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Sunshine, you’re going through such tough times!

I’ve just had several proper crappy months (actually a couple of years) when I thought everything bad is happening to me.

Being a geek, I bought a few Bear Grylls’ books (I know – it sounds silly…) but they gave me strength. In one of them was Winston Churchill’s quote from his famous speech and this became my mantra:

Emergency mantra: “Never, never, never give up.”

And a slightly extended version: “Never give in–never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

And “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

So please Sunshine never give up & keep going, keep posting on here!

Best of luck,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello Mummyboo,
It must be so difficult for you and your boys. I’m preparing to leave and I’m expecting my daughter will be the same way as your older son, at least for a while.
All I can say is stay strong and be honest with him (appropriate to age, as said above). You will be a good example to him as someone who doesn’t put up with being hurt, someone who takes a stand and doesn’t back down. Even though your son won’t realize it just yet.
Very best wishes,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Robin,

I feel so sad about your situation. Mine is very similar. Calm period, I’m thinking I’ve overreacted by contacting WA, then a big explosion and I’m furious with myself for letting him fool me again.
Unfortunately, my own experience tells me that what your husband is doing will gradually get worse.
Do you have a way out? Do you have somewhere you can go?

AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Deathangel,

Having just read through some of your previous posts, it’s clear that you’re very unhappy.
Please do not be angry with yourself. Of course, we blame ourselves when recognize the abuse for what it is, for wasted time, for letting him manipulate you, for not realizing it sooner etc. You stay on because you don’t want to disrupt and hurt people, especially when there’s no physical abuse, you question if you’re doing the right thing by wanting to leave. But it is psychological abuse and he seems very unstable. Things can only get worse.

He is abusive and aggressive and the stash of weapons in your home is concerning.

Hugs
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello,

Danicali makes such a good point. It is the right thing to do, unless you can imagine spending the rest of your life like this. I know I cannot.

But we should be a few steps ahead of the abuser and, if the circumstances allow, plan for the consequences.

I realize that some abusers will try and track you down and get at you via friends & family. This is what I’m afraid of. That he will go into rage and will go pester the people I know.

But personally, I don’t know anything about the custody rules and stuff like that. I think this topic deserves a separate thread.

Danicali/Lisa, if the abuse case is known to Social Services and Timetomoveon has a DA worker, how is that that abuser can still apply for custody?

TTMO you’ve been feeling like this for a long time, judging by your posts. If your housing situation looks promising, then grab the opportunity by its horns. It’s going to be tough but staying will be much tougher in the end.

AppleNinja xxx

[AppleNinja]

Hi Citrine,

That’s great news!

I can totally sympathise. I’m having the same thoughts. I really want to leave but I’m so scared if I can make it.

It’s that little voice telling you to stay put because it’s afraid if change.

Please don’t give up now. I know it’s easy to say but you’re so close. If he wasn’t that bad, you wouldn’t be planning secretly, would you?

Keep going!

Apple Ninja xxx

[AppleNinja]

Hello Paris,

I’m very very happy to hear that you got out and you & the baby are safe.

Wish you the best of luck!

AppleNinja xxx

[AppleNinja]

Hello Icequeen,

It sounds absolutely awful what you’re describing.

I haven’t got pushed out of bed yet but I got ‘accidentally’ kicked (literally) in the legs while in bed and also sent out of bed.

Thrown objects at me – yes (a shoe, remote control, a book, a bedside table!)

Ranted about crumbs in butter – yes! That is an ongoing issue…

He hasn’t hit you – YET. He is definitely abusive. He doesn’t even have to hit you, it’s enough that he makes you scared like that.

Please start making some sort of arrangements to leave but like Lisa says, do not tell him anything.

I really feel for you, it sounds very stressful. I know I’ve been under a lot of stress because I have to put up with this behaviour.

Let us know how you’re getting on, ok?
Big hug to you!

Apple ninja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Wheredoibegin,

I know, right? He’s alone, he’s in physical pain (back problems), he calls me for help with sorting things out, he says he lives in a haunted house where everything reminds him of us.

I do try to help (by giving him instructions over the phone), sometimes I let him talk to our daughter. But every time I feel so much pain. I can see why they say to cut off contact but it’s really hard for me to do. He’s still my child’s father and I know he loves her.

Thank,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hello Duvetday,

Thank you for your message.
It’s good to hear that you got lots of support.
At the moment it feels like we’re more than less left to our own devices.

How long did you stay at the refuge? And what was next for you, once you left?
What support did you receive?

Although I was nowhere near loaded before, I struggle with the fact that I have to watch every penny and I fear that I run out of money (I most certainly will) before my benefit payments kick in. It will take up to 6 weeks to get the first payment!

Thanks,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hi Sunshine,

You know, it’s really good that you at least didn’t waste many years with this man and got out of the relationship before he could do more damage.

They say people can stay up to 6 months and some girls I’ve spoken to have been here 6 months indeed. I can’t stay here for that long! So I think I’ll take matters into my own hands and start searching as soon as I can.

As for the staff, I’m not yet sure how helpful they are because I’ve only been here for a few days and it’s chaos. But I’ve heard a couple of women complain about the lack of support. The impression I have from my interactions so far is that (and I’m sorry if this sounds ungrateful) some of the workers are doing this job because social work is an easy profession to get into and social workers are in demand, they are not necessarily doing it with conviction. But this may be a premature judgement.

The main worker has taken time to speak to me at length on several occasions, I liked that.
And one volunteer young lady is great.

I don’t mean to be unfair but I’m saying this because I think it’s better to be realistic and prepared. Anyone coming here should be prepared not to be taken care of but to be proactive. That’s the impression I’ve got.

As for useful things: it took me 2 days to realize that you have to buy your loo rolls!
In this particular refuge, there’s lack of cutlery – I have to go get spoons and bowls if I want to make soup.
(There’s no food provided – we have to buy everything).
And, since we haven’t got much in a way of clothes, we have to do laundry often and we have to buy our own washing powder.

We do have tooth brushes, tooth paste and soaps.

So, anything that you might need in the household would be really useful. Cleaning products, towels, toiletries, washing up liquid, loo rolls….anything you need in daily life.

And, of course, toys, books, linen.

When I get out of here, I’ll be donating loo rolls and spoons!

Thanks,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hello Free,

I like to reply to everyone individually and I decided to reply to you first because of the upsetting effect my post had on you.

Yes, I have been posting on here on and off for more than a year. My husband had assaulted me (I had no injuries – it was more like an extended and protracted episode of extreme intimidation, threats, smashing & throwing stuff, pushing and grabbing, screaming in my face, name-calling, plus 3 punches through a pillow; hence no injuries). It went on from one evening, a bit through the night and culminated at dawn.

He had been abusive prior to that but never as bad as in this sustained attack. I had had thoughts of leaving him before but following this incident, I began seriously considering actually doing it.

Very soon after that I contacted WA by phone and started posting on this forum.

However, the leaving seemed completely out of my reach. I read other people’s stories of escape and felt like a huge weakling for not being able to take action for a very very long time. I kept putting it off and suffered major indecision crisis!

I didn’t know how to go about it because he was a stay at home dad AND he was always in the house. He wouldn’t even go to a pub for a pint. It was very frustrating. In this respect, you might have a good advantage, you’ll be able to save some of your things. I had to leave everything behind, I only just about managed to throw random stuff & some documents in the suitcase in the short window of time when he had taken our daughter to school and I pretended I’m leaving for work later.

So yes, I was planning for long time. Part of my plan didn’t work out at all – moving my belongings to storage.

But lately, he’s become more domineering towards our daughter. Not smacking her, but more like barking commands and being on her case all the time. She had fun with him and he did try to be patient but I sensed that making all that effort to be patient was just suppressed anger accumulating and waiting to erupt on account of something minor.

So when the chocolate incident happened, I was so incredibly upset that I couldn’t think of anything else but how to not be there, how to be free of that sort of stress.

You are right about being worried. I went to work (my second day at a new job) and instead of being excited, I couldn’t concentrate, I wasn’t even interested in what my new colleagues were showing me. I realized then that every day will be like this, me worrying about what’s going on at home, not performing to my full capacity, being torn. It had already been like this for me for some time, but after the hair-pulling thing, it intensified.

And so, I fully realized there was no point in carrying on.

Here’s the thing Free: at first I thought he’d just be nasty to me because we had this baby and he adored her. So he wouldn’t be nasty to her, she was his daddy’s little girl. But he was increasingly harsh with her. I’m glad to hear your partner hasn’t hurt your children but unfortunately if he is so volatile, it doesn’t take much to turn his anger from you to them.

And also, even if he’s not started on your children, they know their mum suffers. That’s in no way healthy for them.

I would really love to hear how your plan is coming along.

Don’t lose heart, at first I couldn’t even imagine going through with it, it felt like planning a landing on Saturn or something. It took me a long time to internalize it.

If I was able to do it, you will too.

Best wishes,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hello Cupofcoffee,

Everything you say makes sense to me.
And no, it wasn’t an isolated incident.
The reason this is so painful is that normally, the two of them have fun, he takes good care of her, she climbs all over him and things like that…. You look at them and think that’s so great!

This is what makes it sad for me, because I know that no one else could be like that with her….

Just sad…

Thank,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hello Lisa,

Thank you for your message. Again, this is a life-saver, hearing a confirmation that I haven’t gone insane.

But I do doubt my perspective because in the messages we have exchanged since I left, he says he is no abuser and he reminds me that he’s been making effort to not chastise our daughter when she was naughty and instead he talked to me about it. This is true.

It’s confusing.

Thanks,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hi KIP,

Thank you for your message. All these messages of support are a real life-saver and the sense of connection with you guys gives me gallons of strength at the moment, as we face the same challenges.

Considering things rationally, I know it was the right thing to do but the emotional fallout is so much worse that I imagined. I fancied I’d be elated and relieved and that I would rejoice once here in the refuge. Boy, was I wrong!

[AppleNinja]

Hello Malachite,

Thank you for your message of support. I didn’t have an opportunity to respond.

I wouldn’t mind if you went into detail about your situation. It sounds like you managed to get out and it’s always inspiring to hear how other people did it. And it is very heart-warming to know that someone is in a better place after a difficult struggle. It breaks my heart to be conscious of how many people are being abused. So it’s great (and it also makes me cry) when there is a happy ending.

At least I do hope that you are, in fact, in a better place now.

My husband is….I don’t know if he’s a great dad. They do have some fun together play-fighting, he doesn’t neglect her, takes her to school, picks her up from school (always on time), feeds her, takes her to the park, bathes her, irons her clothes (not mine because that’s too difficult, apparently).

On the other hand, he doesn’t provide for her as he doesn’t have any income (won’t work and won’t deal with Job Centre people or income support people or any other people in authority). He’s constantly on her case – she might as well be an army recruit, he’s abrupt with her. Like you say, he gets very angry with her for minor things.

As for the leaving part – he is ALWAYS at home. So I have to be cunning. My plan is to pack my stuff, get a friend pick it up in a car (I don’t drive) and pretend it’s all going to charity. At work, I have an emergency bag & suitcase where I’ll store the most essential things to take to refuge with me. He won’t get suspicious as he’s always complaining about my stuff.

The hard part is the day I leave. I’ll have to pretend I’m going to work, wait until he’s taken our daughter to school, sneak back in and grab a few items, sneak out before he gets in. Then I’ll go to school to get her, call a cab and go to my friend’s. From there I’ll have to make arrangements to go to a refuge.

I don’t think I have other options, only variations on this one.

How did you do it? And what was the final trigger for you? I hope you and your daughter are well now and she’s not taken it too hard. Does she say she misses her dad?

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello,

Thank you for your messages, it’s so kind.

I am truly sorry for what you’ve gone through. Unfortunately, I have an idea of how it must have been for you.

I think it’s very tricky to make sense of what’s going on – it literally took me a knock on the head whereby a thousand little pieces rearranged themselves into a new configuration – like when you give a kaleidoscope a shake. Only then I started – only STARTED – to view the true picture of my previous 10 years with him.

I always sensed that something was wrong but I couldn’t define it and I there was also a degree of denial. Because you’ve invested so much in the relationship, in the building of the family together, in creating the memories. And only to realize that actually the foundation is rotten and beyond repair and everything will crumble if you start fiddling with it?

Yeah, now in retrospect I recognize the red flags but I didn’t have a clue back then that what he was doing is actually classified as abuse.

In my case, I had never experienced abuse before this relationship so I often think I should have known better. How did I not see that this was not standard behaviour? I honestly do not know. So if you grew up with an abusive mother the I guess it would have been more difficult for you to discern.

It’s good that you left.

What gave you the motivation to leave in the end? And how are your children now? I truly hope they are doing fine and that you have all been able to overcome whatever effects this has had on you.

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hi Kip,

I’m sorry I haven’t replied earlier, I read your message but didn’t really have the opportunity to respond. I cannot go on here when I’m home because he’s always there. So I can only sneak a few minutes while at work.

Yes, you’re right. I’ll restrain myself because when I’ve challenged him in the past it escalated and created distress mostly for the little one. So I keep quiet. But the only thing that helps me manage my anger is the thought of breaking free from him.

Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to not leave her with him, as I have a full-time job and I’m the breadwinner.
It all drives me mad. But I’m very hopeful that it won’t last long and I’ll be able to leave him soon with the help of the organization that supports me.

That’s a good idea about taking pictures. He doesn’t normally hit her though, it’s more like he sometimes pushes her or drags her, or is verbal with her, you know. But if he dares hit her hard, I will take a picture and I will use it.

Thanks,
Apple

[AppleNinja]

Hello Lisa,
Thank you for your support. I’ve started a counselling series with Solace and that’s really helping. I’m also going to start working with them on planning a safe escape and hopefully it won’t be long before I am able to take that leap.

This forum is such a place of relief.

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[AppleNinja]

Hello Icequeen,

Thank you for your kind message.
I’m sorry I don’t know your story yet as I haven’t been here for months. As I explain to Appin7 above, I had a family situation and I couldn’t go on the forum. And then to top it all of, a month ago I fractured my ankle so I was at home and couldn’t go on the forum because HE is at home all the time. So just in case….

It’s interesting that you used the word ‘blissful’ because when I stop thinking about difficulty of the exit and focus on imagining what life will be like when I’m out, that is exactly what I feel – bliss.

Keep posting
Hugs back
Apple

[Author]

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