Bestchance07

[Bestchance07]

Thanks ladies!! Been offline due to the recent storms disrupting everything but to log back in and read your supportive comments has made me smile.
Its been a funny ole day, kids have been with their Dad for the weekend and my youngest keeps telling me how sad Daddy is and how I must not ever get another boyfriend as Daddy would be more sad. He was begging me to move back in with Daddy so things could go back to normal. I tried to explain that actually I was really sad for years and years but hid it from everyone as I didnt want the children to see my sad and worry
But he just doesn’t believe me. Breaks my heart….his Dad could of killed him as a baby it was a stroke of luck that avoided disaster that day, yet I cannot tell him that. I don’t want to ruin the relationship he has with his Dad, but this is at detriment to myself. Thats a hard pill to swallow.
Keep going ladies, you can get out too x

[Bestchance07]

Maybe try the live chat function on here. I am pretty sure its anonymous, nobody will turn upon your doorstep from that. Please please take that first step and make contact. It will feel hard, but a relief somewhat after x

[Bestchance07]

The womens aid helpline is so supportive, as is the live chat. Picking up the phone is daunting but everything is the first time you do it. If you make the call, then you will find it opens the door to you being able to ask for help elsewhere. Wishing you all the best x

[Bestchance07]

Newyearnewme2022 you are not damaged, and I am sure you are a strong, courageous lady to have gone through what you have.

Have you tried any of the counselling programs mentioned on here? Alot of the ladies here mention the Freedom programme? I self referred and I am currently waiting for my first session so I cannot vouch for it yet myself, but it sounds like it could be really helpful.

And reach out to all of us on here. We are all here to help each other. I dip in and out, there are days when I dont want to admit I am the victim of abuse so struggle to come on here, but days when its helpful. x

[Bestchance07]

Darcy thank you for this.

I have stopped trying to work him out, I am just angry with him for making me so afraid, playing on my anxieties, taking away years of my life when I could of been happy, leaving me in this wierd, bewildering state of limbo. I don’t want to waste my energy on being angry, but its a feeling I have to acknowlege I have at the moment.

But I am so grateful for what I have learnt about myself from it, I am stronger than I thought, more resiliant. I know what my boundaries are now. Any red flags and I feel I have what it takes to walk away. In practise, who knows, but that is the strength I wish to achieve. Right now I need to decompress…. focus on me, but I will come back stronger xx

[Bestchance07]

I needed this right now, thanks KitKat and Twisted Sister as I feel very much the same. I was on the end of alot of ne calling yesterday, infront of my youngest and my eldest overheard. It is so hard to know how to explain what is happening without mentioning there Dad.

I found a little grid online which explains the qualities of a good, positive relationship. I am going to sit down with the kids tonight and go through it with them, ask their opinions. Might open up the conversation without actually referring to him.
Sending hugs xx

[Bestchance07]

I am living in the same house as my abuser too,for similar reasons. Have you tried universal credit? Please call their CAB helpline as you are entitled to some help from them in cases of DV and DA whilst you make arrangements with the house. I say this whilst still awaiting the outcome of my assessment.

I completely feel your pain, you are really not alone. He dominates the house with his things, doinates our children. Takes the liberty of walking through (detail removed by moderator). Its like prison. x

[Bestchance07]

Iliketea, you have been an amazing help and support to me too. Thank you.
I really feel I will be writing the exact same content this time next year. He is already doing the Disney Dad thing, my eldest is suspicious of everything I do and told me he doesnt think I am entitled to any money from the house, its all his Dads!!! But yes, it appears that there is a new extravagant purchase in his name on the way……
Everyone tells me the kids will see through it, but the world is so materialistic these days, I genuinely have my doubts.
Do you feel angry? I feel completely overcome with anger (mainly at him but also myself) that I have wasted so many years of my precious life at his hands, and that due to the trauma he has put me through, it will be a good few years before I can really move on with mine. I can recall who I was beforehand, someone who appeared strong, confident and independant, but underneath, I really lacked self confidence. Part of the reason I completely ignored the red flags, let go of the things that were important to me and honestly thought I would never find anyone else that would want to be with me.
It sounds like you have done alot of soul dearching too. And alot of healing. You have changed and grown in strength. He hasnt I presume, he may have the glossy shiney insta-worthy life but behind it all, he is the same abusive guy you dealt with Trust in this and thst ultimately, he will show his true colours again. And the time will come when you do find domeone who treats you right and is worthy of you by their side. You will be happy again. I tell myself this daily. It may not be today, this week ir even this year.. but happiness is coming.

[Bestchance07]

I am sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you really haven’t had it easy and I feel your frustration. I have the same issues with the fixed rate Book yourself a session with an independant mortgage/financial advisor. Depending on the product, you have options.
I am moving out of my jointly owned property and found that universal credit can sometimes help in cases of DA with housing costs (waiting to hear hpw much help tbh!) The help is there for a short period of time whilst arrangements are made for the house to be sold/bought out etc.
Hopefully some of the others on here can offer some advice too

Stay strong and keep going. Sometimes all the info seems overwhelming. The best piece of advice I was given so far is to treat leaving as a full time job. Journal everything, use every resource possible, plan ahead.

xx

[Bestchance07]

Thanks gettingtired, I am glad I am not the only one who struggles. I was beginning to think it was just me. And that is no offence to the amazing supportive women on here.
Nope, I fully agree, I am really not ready. I have found in conversations I have quizzed this guy on all the things that have triggered my ex’es episodes and I am always hoping for reassurance from him. I want my self esteem back…. I want myself back so I can give a relationship my best shot when the time is right. I can completely see how some people go from relationship to relationship though.
Thank you for the book recommendation. Someone else recommended Your Other Half which I found helpful, but it kinda only scratched the surface

Thanks!! I really hope you can get out soon too. Holding deposit paid today. Getting real!

[Bestchance07]

Anotherlife, I completely get this.
I am currently in my room whilst my ex enjoys the rest of the house and the TV with my children. Splashing the cash on them, discussing what amazing things they are going to do and places they are going to go. Its been the same all over Christmas. My youngest has hardly said a word tp me all day. Before then, my kids would be with me all the time 7 days a week whilst he went off doing his hobbies etc etc. Now they want nothing to do with me.
Its heartbreaking and worrying at the same time

[Bestchance07]

Thanks Kip and Merry Christmas to you too. Thanks for all your invaluable advice in 2021 and being such a vital contributor to this forum. I wish you well for 2022 heartfelt best wishes to you

[Bestchance07]

Thank you for this, such a positive post!

[Bestchance07]

Ladies help!!! The landlord has now decided I cannot have flat until (detail removed)!! And has put the rent up so I cannot afford it!
I am at rock bottom. Everyone has saved me furniture for beginning (detail removed) I have literally had to beg. Now I need to say no.
When will I get a chance??! I just want to make a nice safe home for my kids

[Bestchance07]

Thanks Kip and WantstoHelp.

I completely understand what you are saying and yes I am in a vulnerable position at the mo, made worse by the landlord now holding things up for another week. I am doing everything possible to stay safe

[Bestchance07]

Thank you so much for this! I am sitting here in my bedroom/dining room crying whilst reading this. Yes, just want my kids round me at Christmas. My Mum used to love Christmas and would go crazy with decorations and baking etc. She passed away a few years back a few weeks before Christmas. This was a turning point for me and when I realised I could no longer live like I was. Next Christmas absolutely has to be better and I will go mad with Christmas tat in memory of my Mum.

[Bestchance07]

Me!!! I am really not feeling it either. Its awful and I really just want to hibernate until its over. I look at the measly pile of gifts I have bought the kids…. then compare to the huge stash of expensive goodies he has bought them. I just feel sick.
I will cook Christmas dinner, do pressies with the kids, then shut myself back in my room for the rest of the day. Then,2 weeks of him round the house as off work over the festive period. Literally no idea what to do. The kids want to spend their time with him as he does (detail removed by moderator) stuff with them, whereas I am poor and cannot afford anything.
I keep telling myself next Christmas will be so much better, but will it really. I feel my kids hate me!!!

[Bestchance07]

Thank you Wantstohelp. I really think it will give him a kick up the bum and show I am serious but really struggling to find somewhere I could afford. Each place I have enquired about so far, I do not earn 3 x the monthly rent so its an instant no!!
I feel so trapped right now.
I did consider him potentially wrecking the house, but the whole reason he is resisting selling is as he loves this place. Its his investment. Its his castle and I am just a squatrer (detail removed by moderator) at the moment.
He currently pays all the mortgage and bills, I oay all childcare, food and hobbies. It was my life savings that went down as the deposit.

[Bestchance07]

Whilst I see what your saying, I am not in any danger at the moment. I am purely trying to plan ahead and he has no clue at the moment. I have spoken to my local emergency housing team and they have said that as I am a homeowner and work (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week, they cannot help me when I leave. They have suggested arranging a private rental to go straight to whilst I sort this out. However, the benefits checker doesnt really help in my case!! And there is no way I can afford the rental without some sort of financial assistance or benefits until such time as he buys me out or sells up and gives me my share

[Bestchance07]

Oh my goodness, reading this is spooky. I was about to write an almost identical question. We are yet to formally agree what we are doing but I want him to buy me out so I can buy my own house. I have been given the chance of a property to rent and I am desoerare to bundle up the kids and go, but worried about loosing my 50% of the house! Will be watching with interest. I am completely with you on this one!!

[Bestchance07]

Hearing them say that you are mentally ill, saying that you know how to ‘play the system’ and basically making me out to be dishonest. And telling me that I am completely incapable of living without him!!

[Bestchance07]

I am still living with my ex and he has already been out dating! I take it as a great opportunity to be able to relax in my own home again, ratherthan being confined to one room to avoid having to sit with him!!!

[Bestchance07]

Hi Kitkat, yes thats the one. The power and contr wheel vs the healthy relationship wheel is the deluth model. I spent some time last night reading up on it, I am going to try showing it to the kids when we are out of the house.
Hope its of use to you

[Bestchance07]

I meant the Duluth model.

[Bestchance07]

Hi Medusa,

I am in a similar situation as my ex said a similar thing to our kids. It sounds harsh but I cannot spend time debating it with them now, I am getting out and then I will sit down and talk to them about it. I get the ‘but Daddy still loves you’ ‘Daddy is so unhappy’ The most I tend to say is that I have been unhappy for years and years and actually, we will both be happier in the future, it is just their Dad cannot see it yet.
I spoke to my DV support worker today and she suggested a L something or other wheel. One shows unhealthy relationships, one healthy relationships… maybe someone on here knows what I nean as I am not explaining it well. I will google it and see if I can find it x

[Bestchance07]

Thanks for the advice Kip,

I havent considered the non occupation order as, although I owe him nothing, he stores all his work and hobby equipment here and it is extensive. Furthermore, even with help, I would be unable to afford the bills on the house.
I am going through a letting agent who is aware of the urgency of the situation. We havent mentioned to the landlord as he just wants a quiet tenant with no hassle. Luckily the only door to the property is right on a busy High Street which makes me feel really safe and that if he tried to force entry, he wouldnt be able to do so unseen!!
No written agreement for the property as yet. Just wish I could be in asap, especially with the impending potential lockdown everyone is suggedting after Christmas. I have got so much prepared, even booked myself on to the Freedom program in Jan.

[Bestchance07]

Twisted Sister,

I am waiting to hear back from the Support Worker ATM. She doesnt work every day and I had to work quickly this week as the property came up (removed by moderator) and is the only thing I will be ever able to afford, subject to universal credit.

I did have an emergency house to go to so I could get out with the kids if I needed, but this has recently fallen through so I have yet to speak to her.

[Bestchance07]

Thanks Eggshells.
Its awful. I feel so unwell with the stress of it all.
Neither of my children want to live with me, their Dad has booked (removed by moderator) of expensive days out and adventures without me. It just feels like torture right now.
I am struggling with emergency housing as I have my name on the property with my ex, I am leaving of my own free will and I am not in any immediate danger. I live in a rural area too, my nearest refuge is a long way away

[Bestchance07]

Thsnks for this Twisted Sister. I ended up taking the kids and staying for the weekend, it was so relaxing but felt 10x worse returning.
Thanks for the kind words. Its definetly a rollercoaster x

[Bestchance07]

Thanks Eggshells. I did in fact do that. I have had my interview with universal credit and have a place lined up, just waiting to hear back from estate agent whether landlord will accept me based on my earnings. My case was tricky as self employed and employed.
I am really panicking though as they could not tell me exactly how much I will get. I showed them the figures from CAB and they just shrugged and would not commit.
How accurate were they in your case? I need them to be pretty accurate as not banking on any financial assistance from ex at this point

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