Fudgecake

[Fudgecake]

Hello,
I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t blame yourself for their actions. You were strong enough to acknowledge that you used alcohol to self soothe and cope. I did too.
It was their choice to use this to mentally abuse you with. A convenient excuse for their behaviour and that is not acceptable. Well done for surviving. A normal, loving partner would have offered support and compassion to help you through. But then, if you had a partner like that you most likely wouldn’t have had an alcohol issue to start with. I know my alcohol issues got worse in my experience living with an abuser. Don’t blame yourself in any way for their actions, at the end of the day they chose to do what they did. The fault lies with them.

[Fudgecake]

This is an interesting question. A few years out and I’ve no interest in a relationship. However, recently at work someone asked me out which took me by surprise as I’d no idea he felt like that. A red flag instantly arose when he said I looked vulnerable. When I got home and thought about the whole conversation I realised he had a few issues which quite frankly I don’t have the energy or the inclination to deal with anymore. Also the idea of dating again made me feel physically sick.Although I love the idea of romance, I’m just not prepared to take the risk anymore .

[Fudgecake]

Hi Hetty,
It’s important that we never underestimate the influence and pull of the bonds that’s created between us and them. I’ve been out quite some time now and I still think of the nice him rather than the the abuser side to him. I have to remind myself that the nice side of him was the false side.
On a side note, I watched a documentary series yesterday called Ted Bundy:Falling for a Killer which was taken from the view point of his ex long term girlfriend, her daughter plus the female relatives of all the victims. It was disconcerting to see his long term girlfriend admit that she might have been taken in by him once more when he reached out to her at the time of his approaching execution. She never did though as her daughter intercepted the letter he’d wrote and burnt it before her mum could see it – she feared her mum would get sucked back in. It just goes to show how deep these bonds are and for us all to be wary.

[Fudgecake]

Wishing everyone all the best for a Happy Christmas and New Year! 🍸☃️🎄

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
I left with virtually nothing. It was the price I paid for freedom. It’s been a while since I left and I’m still gathering new things to replace the things I had. And I think the word “things “ is key here. That’s just what they are…things. Things can be replaced, a life cannot. I left things I had since childhood, my kid left things too. It’s hard sometimes to think of the sentimental irreplaceable things but we all have to leave things behind eventually. They are material goods in the end. But your life, safety and well being are irreplaceable whilst you walk this earth. I would never go back and beg for what’s mine and that’s what I’d have to do..he’d get off on the controlling power trip. My advice for what it’s worth is to cut it off and consider it lost. It’s just material goods whereas your life isn’t and bargaining with the devil is dangerous.

[Fudgecake]

They do, but it’s conditional love.
They have a mental contract drawn up solely by themselves with lots of fine print.
“Sign here, my love…No,no you don’t have to read it!”

Like if a spider asked a fly on a date?

[Fudgecake]

If you’re asking that question then it is abuse.

[Fudgecake]

Well done Hetty,
Here’s wishing you peace, love and happiness in your future life , all of which are now possible! Yes, it will be scary and you’ll have a rollercoaster of emotions but it will be worth it. I only wished I hadn’t worried so much about the future when I left. All I was doing was torturing myself. We only really have today so enjoy it. The future will take care of itself. Feel the freedom x

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
It’s good that you’ve read the book. It’s also rather telling that you’ve read it. Deep down you know things aren’t right and that’s why you have looked for answers outside of your relationship. Trust your gut, it’s telling you things aren’t normal. With regards to the book, I’m afraid you’re not going to get a one size fits all definition and be able to say that your partner is identical to a definition. From what you’ve described he’s gaslighting you in my humble opinion and keeping you in a state of confusion. I think you already know the answer to what you’re seeking, it’s just gaining the strength to face it. I fled into the night as you say as I too felt he might turn violent. Yes I felt bad and guilty for doing it but it was after years of futility trying to talk like our relationship was normal. If you feel things may turn violent then trust yourself and leave without the confrontation. Being scared of someone especially one who claims to love you is a big red flag. Stay safe, leave without the confrontation and make a safe exit plan with WA support. Put yourself first for once.

[Fudgecake]

They are at their most dangerous when they think you are leaving. Your friends advice is worth taking. Change your locks and leave his stuff outside in a shed perhaps. Don’t let him in. Contact WA for advice.

[Fudgecake]

Yup mine was a hoarder. Slowly took over my living space with his cr*p which no one could touch. Even down to (detail removed by moderator). It used to get on my nerves as I could never tidy properly. Meanwhile his house was immaculate and orderly…
All done to slowly drive you nuts.

 

[Fudgecake]

I found it very helpful. I just wish that there were follow up events rather than when it ends then you never hear or see anyone again.

[Fudgecake]

Hey Pinkturtle,

They do this to pi*s you off and generally f**k with your mind. Mine use to buy me lovely things, not necessarily expensive but to my taste, in the love bombing stage. But then the gifts became things you’d buy for an old lady and finally they became charity shop items or even things he got out of his mother’s cupboard and wrapped up. Don’t I sound ungrateful?.. but that’s part of the game…You couldn’t complain as you’d be ungrateful, selfish etc. Nevermind, the fact that my gifts to him were always to his taste and expensive enough to show I cared. (Isn’t that the point?) I don’t mind cheaper gifts as long as they aren’t for someone 30 years older or obviously grabbed out of the kitchen cupboard with bits missing.

Rant over, sorry I’m going through a shi**ty time atm.

[Fudgecake]

Sounds like heaven.

I’m in the market for a little happiness x

[Fudgecake]

Hey Harley,
Firstly, well done on taking back your life.
It will feel lonely and scary right now and you’ll be feeling all the emotional pain of a break up plus getting your head around being abused by someone who should have loved you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation right now but from here the only way is up.
You need to have some support to help you through this. Can family help? Can you stay with a friend or family member? Have you let WA and your GP know you’re current circumstances?
You must try and get emotional support from someone so you can talk. Keep posting here too. Above all, and this is hard when you’re feeling alone and vulnerable, you must keep no contact with your abuser as he will try all the tricks to lure you back. Stay strong x

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