I.dont.know.

[I.dont.know.]

I haven’t been on this site in a very long time and it pains me to read your post because I can relate to it so much. But it’s all part of abuse the self doubt the low moods that’s all brought on by the way your been treated.

Abuse comes in many forms and I feel the emotional abuse and mind games are one of the hardest forms to accept because your always questioning your own sanity! Blaming yourself etc.

But no it is not you your probably one of the nicest people that everyone knows that would do anything for anyone and you have had that used against you to control you and take over your emotions!

His behaviour is wrong! One day you will realise and find a way to get one it might take weeks, months , years but you will do it!!

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks everyone for all your helpful replies,
I guess time will be a healer a very very slow one.

[I.dont.know.]

I was in the same boat as you the person I was seeing after my abusive relationship accused me of been abusive because I said “make me a cup of tea” in a jokey messing around kind of way.

After he said that I cried for weeks questioning whether I was abusive to him, if I was abusive to my kids?! After posting on there and researching the different red flags in relationships I soon realised that it was actually in fact him that was abusive! So once again I had to come up with a plan on getting out.

I would get rid as soon as possible and take some time out to find yourself again.

Take care xxxx

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all, i took a step back and realised they were only asking as a duty of care to my children and also if they did turn up I know they wouldn’t be worried my kids and fed, watered , warm, safe and protected and most of all loved with every inch of me.

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you so much to all you ladies who commented on this post thanks to you all I realised I had managed to get myself into let another abusive relationship.

I sat down and thought about all the red flags and wondered how I had been so blind!

But thanks to the advice from you all I worked up the strength to tell his man to get out of my life!

I have no doubt he will probably turn up on my door step in the near future but I will just ring the police because quite frankly I will not take anymore we only get one life and I’m not letting anyone rule it for me.

I encourage anyone else in the same position to do the same , find the strength and the power you all deserve it. We are all are our person and no one should ever tell us to change or make us feel like we need to to please them.

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks for the replies, I think I was just having a moment of weakness and questioning my mind wondering if I’ve just imagined everything 🙁

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you all for your understanding I need to once again get a plan in action.

I findings it hard to stay sane at the moment especially as the ex is sending me messages saying there’s no point in his life and he might as well end it as I took anything away in his life that he had.

🙁

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you for all the replies I’ve been so scared to respond as I didn’t want to believe that his behaviour should be abusive but the more I have read the replies over and over again the more I’ve come to realise that I have managed to get involved with another abuser 😭😭

After he called me abusive, he has now decided it’s because he’s depressed and mentally drained ( which he may be ) but it just seems a coincidence that it’s after he said what he said!!

I agreed to take my kids to see santa with their dad ( my ex abusive partner) which seems stupid I know but that’s what my kids wanted and I would move hell and earth for them.

But as you can probably imagine this didn’t go down well with him, he told me I have no brain cells, threw things around the house , told me he has mug written on his forehead and I had no regards for his feelings. I did want to keep it a secret from him and just go without him knowing as I was petrified of his reaction I was literally shaking when I told him via txt and felt extremely sick.

But the thing is I feel trapped again as he moved in I didn’t really want him too but I was too scared to say no and I don’t know how the hell I can get him out as if I ask him to leave he has no where to go and has already said if he ever looses me he will kill himself as he has nothing to live for!!

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all for the replies to nice to know it’s not actually a realistic claim, I have felt so hurt that someone who is supposed to care for me would make such a hurtful and damaging claim 😭😭

I am treating this as a red flag and also the fact he says he was abused in a previous relationship I am going to be extremely careful I will try to up most best to not be a victim for the 2nd time round. I am so scared of this that I am seriously considering ending it before it’s too late. I do have a lot of feelings for him but last night really has hurt me so much!!

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all for the words of support, I’m am still here but come Friday I’m picking my kids up from school jumping in my car and not coming back!! Hopefully it will go as smoothly as that but who knows xx

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all I feel better knowing I’m not alone X

[I.dont.know.]

Forgot to mention I have 2 young children

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks I thought so and through it wasn’t just me over reacting, he also kicked off coz I wanted to go for a shower coz it meant he would have to open the door for the takeaway he got me to order him!!

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks for all the replies I feel quite emotional reading these. My situation has reached the point where he’s not in control anymore but I’m also still trying to maintain a level where he thinks he is in control. I tried telling him I don’t love him and that I didn’t want to be in our relationship about (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago he threatened to kill himself so I said fine I’ll stay which his response was good I should think so. From that day he’s been over the top nice to the kids not doing as much over time and trying to be affectionate with me but I can’t stand him touching me!!

I want to just be able to tell him to leave but I think my only option is to give up my business and find somewhere to rent with my kids without him knowing.

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you all for your reply’s.
I tried the normal sit down and tell him I don’t love him way to end the relationship about 2weeks ago, he responded with saying he was going to kill himself etc. So the next day I he asaid what you doing so I just said I will stay his response was “good I should think so!”
This is when I realised there’s no ended it in the grown up way. And since then he’s been trying to be ott nice to me, but im now actually scared to be alone with him so I’ve avoided it at all costs.

I had a referral from my local DV team well over 2 weeks ago and they haven’t been in touch since!
I’m exploring the private rented route.

[I.dont.know.]

And the mind games continue with a delivery of flowers. I actually feel sick.

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you , he is in complete denial and refusing to accept it so I’m playing along. I really wanted to keep our house for the sake of the kids and I work from home but there’s no way he will allow it. It’s mortgaged I’m both our names.

Back to my original plan of private rental, my doctor is aware of the situation coz he couldn’t stress enough how I must come back if I get low moods ( history of mental health). He’s trying alsorts of crap including telling our daughter (detail removed by moderator).

[I.dont.know.]

I don’t know what to do now should I try be extras nice to him to protect myself but not let him change my mind about ending the relationship? Ideally I want to remain in our home and him move out

[I.dont.know.]

That’s exactly how I feel, the living room carpet it’s an embarrassment, the bathroom and kitchen are also an embarrassment and in need of changing.
We can’t possibly afford to have any of that done!

Yet he can afford a very expensive hobby which has aready cost a good (Detail removed by Moderator) and he’s going to spend another (Detail removed by Moderator) in the next few months!

I never ask for anything coz he always makes me feel so guilty for asking. Yes he earns a lot more money than me but I have brought up our 2 young children single handed because that’s my job. I’m also a self employed (Detail removed by Moderator) but apparently that’s not a job it’s a hobby!! Which he complains 24/7 about me doing coz I’m not earning 50k a year!! And I’m not giving him any of my wages!

I’m also expected to cook, clean and do all the housework yet it’s never clean or tidy enough for him and I get told off for that!!

He tells me what time I have to go to bed on a night!

I honestly feel like a child, yet when push comes to shove he’s going to be clueless he has never dealt with any of the household bill and claims he doesn’t either know how to boil a god dam egg!!

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all, this forum is such a massive support.

Confused and alone do not go I wish I’d had listened to my friend when she told me not to go, it’s been such a horrible week I will be so glad to go home (Detail removed by moderator) I only wish I was going home to pack my bags and leave x

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks for the replies unfortunately I’m currently abroad with him.

It’s so hard I’ve had enough and just want to go home. I’m left doubting myself as he keeps telling me I’m the nasty one and I’m the one who’s horrible yet all he’s doing so far is complaining if I go to the bar for a drink coz it means he has to watch the kids. Heaven forbid he would offer to get me one while he’s at the bar!

He’s also making all these plans for us for the future which I’m definitely not going to be part of coz I will be long gone but it’s so hard not to feel guilty.

[I.dont.know.]

Oh wow thanks everyone for your replies and it’s given me a lot to think about and the extra push I need.

I’ve contacted my local domestic abuse helpline and their doing a referral, they didn’t really give much details on the help they would give me?

The other option I may have is I know a private landlord who has a property available at the moment, but the only problem is my self employed income would become nil as I do it from our house. And I don’t have a great deal on cash saved up to pay rent in advance or buy things for the house like beds for my kids?

[I.dont.know.]

Iwillbeok thank god im not imagining it! And obviously their all similar is their ways!
Have you managed to break away from the situation? I’ve only just realised that every thing he’s done to me over the years is emotional absue.
I’m just trying to sort out a way to leave. X

[I.dont.know.]

Also when we go to bed on a night he makes me feel trapped by cuddling up to me from behind and putting his arm tightly around me. I just lay there and feel like I can’t move.

[I.dont.know.]

I think your probably right and deep down I know your right!
I stayed out on (Detail removed by moderator) night ( first time in probably (Detail removed by moderator)years) the second I pulled up home outside our house (Detail removed by moderator) after arriving home it took about 30secs for him to have a go at me for not parking in the place he instructed me to park!! I hate the fact I’ve got to be a different person I want to be the true me like I am when I’m not around him.

😭😭😭😭

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you all for your support, we go on holiday in 2 weeks I’m trying to muster up all my strength to tell him while we’re away that I want out, which I know he’s not going to make easy in the slightest because why would he want to loose his cook and cleaner! But I’m going to give him the chance to be civil only for the sake of my kids!
I think if I don’t do it soon then I’m never going to do it!
Xx

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you so much for your reply I so pleased you got out of the situation and I’m not alone in realising after so long!!
I’ve tried to call the helpline a couple of times but I’ve not been strong enough to actually leave a voicemail for them to call back so I will do this today!
I can’t continue living as I am.
Thanks again xx

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