Lilycat

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your really helpful responses and sorry to have taken time to get back to you.

I like, especially the ideas of giving only a percentage of myself and having an invisible bubble.

These things take time and trust needs to be built up.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Folks,

Well done for moving forward.

I escaped an abusive situation, by leaving my home and, with it, my husband and his adult child. At the time, in my head, it was only my stepchild who was abusing me as their actions had been overtly manipulative, threatening and aggressive. So I continued to see my husband for (detail removed by Moderator), thinking he was an ‘okay guy’. In this time he got to know where my temporary accomodation was and where the apartment I now live in is located. He walked with me too and from work repeatedly and we met in the new cafes I discovered whilst I was starting afresh.

It took my boss to question where my husband was throughout all the abuse I suffered when I was living with the both of them, to get me thinking. Then I unpicked comments that I had been ‘groomed’ to believe were normal- being told off for going to bed early, being scolded for making a fuss when my stepchild was abusive towards me and being inadvertently accused of hiding a (detail removed by Moderator) when I found out that money was missing from the box we had hidden containing the (detail removed by Moderator). And so this chap was still in my life and, sure enough, along came the stalking, and the coincidental texts, and ‘I still own you’ kind of messages. He’d mapped my likely whereabouts from our walks and cafe visits and he now knew where I hung out and when.

It took a while for me to accept my husband was and is a truly bad apple. For ages I thought ‘how could I have been so stupid?’ Some (ex)friends quite tactlesslessly asked: ‘for such an intelligent woman, how did you make that mistake?’… Well, I am not stupid and nor are you. These abusive manipulators are very clever and stoop to moral lows that you would never think of stooping to yourself. We get caught out because these people have a smooth facade. It made me laugh the other day that my stepchild had been nominated for a (detail removed by Moderator) award (like father like child)!… Yes, these folks are sly, but we’ve all done the right thing and questioned their behaviour, which signals the beginning of our freedom from them.

Sending warmest wishes and hugs

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi Butterfly Free,

You were very sensible to take note of red flags. You were not being paranoid.

As we recover from abuse some people do notice our vulnerability, even if it is not very obvious, and are attracted to us so that they can act like a hero. This seems to be the case for suitors who are emotionally needy.

Recovery is a time of self-healing and re-establishing boundaries; and that means being respectful to ourselves and maintaining objectivity. It also means telling ourselves that we deserve nothing less than the best. A good man would know that that means ‘space’.

Well done. You are a courageous individual.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

I completely empathise with you. I can’t easily visit large supermarkets, concert halls, theatre and cinemas. One supermarket keeps on setting me off into panic attacks and the others terrify me- it’s bonkers.

Simple solutions helping me include:

-Making to-do lists, so that I am not confused by tasks and overwhelmed by multiple product variations.
-Using online supermarket shopping. Just press that button and it will come to your door.
-A good laptop and high-quality earphones. These bring the cinema and concert experience to life as much as technology can.
-Going into all of the said trigger areas for limited amounts of time. This is great in building resilience, but the build-up can be destroyed if I get retraumatised by my abusers contacting me and/or doing something creepy.

Hope this helps.

Hugs and safety to you all

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Thanks, Serenity <3 :).

I am happy to chip away in bite-sized chunks in a small corner of the universe.

As Suntree says, often the most wonderful people aren’t high-flyers. We should be wonderful in our own little ways. But, we shouldn’t set out to be wonderful.

The only reason why I went down the high-flying route, is that you get responsibility enough to enable real and significant changes to benefit others. But I have discovered that this can come at a significant personal price, limiting our own health and wellbeing. So, really, I’d rather just be known as a kind daughter and friend, and a person who can put a smile on the face of someone who is going through a difficult time in their lives. Success is temporary, but kindness can be the difference between life and death, confidence and despair.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi wonderful ladies,

Thanks for you compassionate, determined and kind replies, and accounts of your experiences.

I have had it said to me to be the change and also to be an example of hope and success for female empowerment. The sad reality is that being a poster-girl for successful BME women is hell on earth, sometimes. Not all women executives are kind, caring and promoting of the Sisterhood of Glass Ceiling- Smashers. Indeed, some that I work with climb the ladder, smash the glass and,once at the top, use the ladder to smack other women around the head to beat them down and chuck glass shards at them! Also, coming from another culture, some Alpha-human behaviours that happen here are totally anathema in my own culture that I risk daily getting taken for a ride and squashed pancake-flat, as I don’t conform.

There are many articles that promote more opportunities for talented women and ethnic minorities. The problem is not, in my experience, a lack of open doors, but in some cases the great big room of medusas and angry bears that you enter once you get the key.

With the above said, there are some fantastic workplaces that lack a bear-pit. My last employer and the one before that were great and there was a wonderfully supportive atmosphere at all levels. I have just landed on my head within the current place. It’s miserable- people evade responsibility and pin blame on those who are ready to take it and are conscientious. Smooth talkers win, grafters lose. But, perhaps, it was ever thus.

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi folks,

Thanks for your thoughts and recommendations. I will check out Stay, especially.

I have watched part of the film ‘Single White Female’. The story, minus the knife attacks, resonates so much with me. However, the script and screenplay are sensationalist and are meant to thrill, which is not great when the psychological thriller is happening to you.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Healthy Archieve and Serenity,

I think I’ll have to continue with the grey rock and no-contact approach and stay put for now. I phoned the Paladin stalking helpline and they said that there is nothing much we can do to stop stalkers obsessing, but we can protect ourselves and let others around us know that we face risks, which I have done. It appears that my step-child has a fixation with me and unless they recognise this themselves, there is not a lot I can do. My husband seems to be letting go a little bit, for now, but I am sure that if life does not go his way, he’ll be back playing power politics.

If I move house and go a long distance away, I do actually have support networks of friends in other place; so I will not be entirely alone. I’m seriously considering a move ‘way out of range’. Moving elsewhere in my city will do nothing. Shared business and social networks are everywhere, so they’ll find a way to make their presence known and have actually done just that over the few years that I have been trying to establish a new existence.

I am tired; very tired. I want a new life and want to curl up in peace.

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Jennaflorrie and Healthy Archive,

Technically I could. I am renting and have no family in the area. My friends and even my boss have suggested this. (My boss doesn’t want to get rid of me, but they are concerned for my wellbeing and say that they can tell when I have been away from the city for even a few days, because I look ‘like a weight has been lifted from (my) shoulders’. With this flexibility in mind, (1) I have a professional network here and (2) have just got a substantial promotion to a level where jobs are as rare as hen’s teeth, plus (3) I’ve still got a lot of learning and development to do to grow into the job and (4) who I know in my network is as important as what I know, in being able to get the job done. I am working so hard and staying focussed just to stay afloat and sane, so I would feel terrible if I had to quit something I have put 200% into, just because some losers are making my life hell.

Even if I go elsewhere, be it in the UK, Europe or further afield, I will be easily located because of social media and press releases beyond my control. My employer and I have done as much as I can to make me as low-profile as possible whilst still being able to promote my department and organisation, and the work we do.

I could change my name, but as (1) a woman and (2) of minority number within the parameters of minority ethnic origin, even if I became known as Rainbow Unicorn Smith or Rottweiler Redwing (both are far removed from my real name, by the way!), a quick search of people in my field via key words and internet images would have me located.

With a paper bag over my head, a move to a small village in the Bolivian Andes full of friendly and hugely protective first-nation people and a new line in lute making, I could manage a life of anonymity. Failing this level of transition, it’ll be a hard ask in reality.

The best thing for me would be to move in a while and go far enough for these people not to be bothered to bug me.

Kind regards and thanks for your support

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi Malaya,

You’re a wonderful and brave woman who has the courage to sum things up that I couldn’t even talk about and name for years. Also, you are responding to others on the forum by sharing *and* helping. I think that’s fantastic and these are actions that deserve a mention and a big pat on the back.

I can so relate to a lot of what you are saying. I go to work, smile and wear a posh suit; I network and laugh and smile heartily. But, in reality, life is somewhat of an act. I have been fighting self-harm because I sometimes feel so worthless. I even had to wear long-sleeved shirts all Spring and for half of the Summer because I cut my arms and had horrible scars. I am overcoming the desire to harm through sport, which has been really helpful. Slowly, I am getting to understand that I deserve love and respect and that starts with re-learning to love and respect myself- a hard task, but one that has to be done to counteract years of abuse and lies. Rather than leaving myself without showering, I went the opposite way and kept showering and washing my hands, as if I were covered germs that I couldn’t wash off. My skin has got so dry that on some areas I have had to use special creams to restore the moisture and stop my skin from bleeding. Now I have learned that a shower can be pleasant and relaxing and a bathroom can be a quiet place to unwind and treat myself well.

My abusers treated me like a stray dog (not that I’d ever treat a stray dog with the contempt they showed me, but you’ll catch my drift). They never hit me, but I endured years of psychological abuse and gaslighting. Still, because of my culture, religion and upbringing I have never hit back, physically or metaphorically. It’s made me angry that I was so kind and mild, and that I still gave out kindness when they were so evil. But I have learned not to torture myself, because I would have felt undignified and ashamed had I turned into an abuser myself.

Thanks for your courage and for reinforcing the fact that the abuse we experience(d) is not our fault, as survivors. Bit by bit, day by day, we’ll get to see things weeks ahead, then months ahead and then years ahead. It can seem a long and difficult road, but all of us here are moving forwards together.

Cheering you on and wishing you present and future peace and happiness

Lilycat xxx

[Lilycat]

Hi HealthyArchive,

You sound like a very reasonable and logical woman. And it is right that you pull back and reflect, because sometimes natural hyper-vigilance aroused by years of abuse can have us looking over our shoulder constantly at a list of ‘what ifs’? With this said, it is not unreasonable to keep a little bit of a roving eye and watch out for blips on the normality graph.

There might have been times when you were with your ex when he seemed happy and calm and then out of nowhere would come a sudden change of mood, strange turns of phrase and anger, and then things would return to normal for a few weeks, followed by an about-face of silent treatment, etc etc, etc. These people like to appear calm and uninterested, then they press that ‘button’ in our psyches, we react and then they calmly say: ‘What’s up, then?’ or ‘There she goes, again’. Both of my abusers did this to me with escalating regularity.

I have been ‘no contact’ with my stepchild for several years and then all of a sudden they are playing geographical copycat, working interest copycat and now skin pigmentation copy cat. The dots are joining to form a picture.

With everything that I have said, above, I’d like to mention something that my therapist told me. She advised that hyper-vigilance is a natural conditioning created from being exposed to very unnatural and disturbing situations. We sometimes feel hyper-arousal, but we can moderate and temper it by asking ourselves if our abusers are just playing games or if, alternatively, there is real danger. Sometimes abusers just like to play around because it gives them kicks. If that’s the case, we have to remind ourselves that they live in an alternative universe and we are not part of their fantasy; if there is real risk, the police are only minutes away.

Take good care and keep up with the reflection.

Wishing you peace and happiness

Lilycat xxx

[Lilycat]

Hi Healthy Archive,

I do empathise with you a lot. The things that these people do are so subtle and only by linking them in a chain do they compile a very nasty picture. Only one person out of my family and close friends has put my abusers’ subtle behaviour down to coincidence. (I think it because he had a lovebombing stalker who was very vocal and dramatic, so he isn’t used to subtle forms of stalking.) Everyone else has advised me to trust my gut, so I would say do the same. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong.

On forums, I vary the details of my experiences and my surroundings from reality, so that if my abusers look at my posts, they (hopefully) won’t be able to pick me out of the crowd. But who knows, if my computer has spyware installed they can probably see everything. One day I even had a foreign icon appear overnight on my desktop screen. I contacted an IT helpline and they said that there was no spyware, but there is no way I could I could have been interested in the shortcut on my computer. Hmmm. Dodgy?

Going under the radar is hard. You might have to make subtle changes but consider ones that are not going to impact you too seriously on practical and psychological fronts. I have had to use the highest levels of security on social media, use nicknames, avoid being tagged in photocalls (really hard in the business world) and wear dark clothing in order to blend into the crowd when commuting and travelling. I especially hate the last of these, as I love to express myself through my clothes and I have had to go round looking very boring, indeed, which feels oppressive (although when I fly back to my home country or visit other places far away, the normal wardrobe springs back to life). I am also conscious to vary my travel routes and the times I am on the internet. This seemed like a lot of hard work at first, it is tiring as it takes thought, but I am getting used to it.

Thinking of you and wishing you freedom

Lilycat xxx

[Lilycat]

Hi Gentle Spirit,

Thanks for your perspectives and the book recommendation.

My case is quite unusual in that it is my former stepchild and not my ex who is the most severe of the two abusers. The stepchild made my life an absolute hell and did things like (detail removed by moderator) wear my underwear, break my belongings and insinuate that I was, at various random times, a slut (for wearing kitten heels) or butch (for wearing flat shoes). Anything and everything that I did was wrong. But they have been perversely obsessed with me at the same time, making their handwriting identical to mine, working in my new (post-escape) neighbourhood and even having the same physical pigmentation (drawn or tatoo’ed- I have no idea) as me.

My husband has some kind of power issue, because I left him and his child following a long period of coercive control and emotional and psychological abuse. So, in his eyes, I humiliated the both them by leaving and exposed them for the frauds that they are. Both like to be seen as pillars of their community, so my leaving would have been an embarassment. My stepchild has very poor impulse control and extremely strong sadistic and narcissistic streaks, so they liked to play with me as a cat plays with a mouse. By following me into the workplace the cat and mouse game continues.

I had a meeting with my boss and HR today. They are doing their best for me and have said that I need to report any contact my ex-stepchild makes with me, be it in person or electronically. They are going to confirm whether I can use Security’s number as the call line for Hollieguard which is an anti-stalking app. Furthermore, they have made the appopriate escalations up the chain of responsibility in this individual’s department in order to ensure a quick response and appropriate safeguarding should anything transpire.

Kindest wishes
Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi KIP and Healthy Archive,

Fantastic to hear that you are both trying new things and giving such positive hope to those who are at the earlier stages of their journey. It’s so important that we share accounts of hope. I never thought that there’d be life after abuse and I am just beginning to find things that I actually enjoy, even if only a little. I have things that I am passionate about and throw myself into, but little that actually makes me happy at the moment, if that makes sense.

KIP, I love that you are fostering pets for people who need to go to a refuge. Funnily enough my mum suggested something similar last week, saying that I should adopt a friendly and gentle pet that an individual or a family can no longer keep because of circumstances, but I can bring the pet to them occasionally, so that everyone can have the best of both worlds. Also, I remember how you said that your ex had terrorised your dog and that you were reticent to have another dog given the doubly abusive experience of your ex harming you and your beloved pet. It seems like you have found the ideal way to ease yourself back into having a dog.

Thanks both, for your positivity :). May your happiness only increase as time goes by <3.

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Dear Peaceful Pig, Karma Sister and Ayanna,

Thanks for contributing to this thread.

It’s sickening that abusers use other people to extract information about you and manipulate you, especially when these other people are children and young people. This shows that abusers view people as instruments for their own success and, thus, lack full human capacity for moral reasoning and questioning.

I have been tempted to make up new hobbies like medieval swordfighting and urban kitesurfing, which are ‘within character’ but not of interest to me. I’d love to see those two idiots turn up to a re-enactment of the Battle of Agincourt. They can’t even fight their way out of a paper bag!

Keep well, friends.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

Reflecting on our collective thoughts and experiences. It strikes me how much abusers lack a core personality and core beliefs. They form their existence around copying and feeding off other people.

Talking through the abuse whilst it was happening, the counsellor I was seeing at the time said of my step-child:’this person wants to destroy you so that they can become you’. It’s so true. They copied my handwriting so their’s became identical and stole my underwear to wear. From what I gather, they are also serially embracing every large trend on social media that enables them to be noticed either by being controversial or giving them a societal victim role. Without seeing them and with my ex-texting at me their news, I can almost predict what identity they’ll assume next.

Without the ability to self-reflect and self-examine, they cause chaos, mood-hoovering the life out of others as parasites.

Keep strong, folks

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi I Want to Break Free,

I have a similar but different situation where my abusers- my ex and his adult child- have done and still do obsessive and competing things to try to keep me down. This stepchild even rubbed out my notch in the family height chart and ‘shrunk’ me by two inches to make me feel small. They also had foot-size envy so lied to me that they were a shoe size bigger than they were, because I have bigger feet then them and they wanted somehow to ‘close the difference’… How nuts is that?

My mother gave me some simple but helpful advice. She noted that this pettiness is a game to these people and an unhealthy self-referencing game at that. People who do these things are narcissistic and think that everything is about them. So, remind yourself that you are not playing, you have taken the choice to leave and not abide by their rules, and you are carving out a new life for yourself.

Whilst they are stuck in the world of their minuscule obsessions, you are moving onwards and upwards. Who is the winner in all of this?… Exactly. 😉

Be well

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Anabela,

The key things that enabled my exit were the realisations that:

1. My abusers had a wildly different moral compass from most normal people, so reasoning with them and acting ethically had no effect on their behaviour.

2. I was just a resource bank/ punchbag for their inadequacies and insecurities, and no matter what I did they would try to get me into a position where they could take out their frustrations and exploit me financially.

We cannot make make cows fly and cannot make octopuses ride unicycles. We cannot make abusers act decently, only they have to come to the realisation that they need to change. Furthermore, we should not hang around until they decide to do this, because we inevitably end up waiting too long, at the benefit of our own wellbeing and safety.

Take care and stay safe

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

I am reading this and am surprised at just how many of you have had experiences almost identical to mine. My soon-to-be-ex seems to know where I am and what I am doing. My soon-to-be-ex stepchild has been rather ‘Single White Female (after the film, if you have seen it) with me, too.

If I am going somewhere and want to find out about it, I tend to use a computer with no links to these people and multiple security settings and firewalls.

Be safe, everyone.

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

I still have dreams about my abusers, too. My therapist taught me a technique that involves writing out the dream on paper, changing the ending to the one you want and re-reading the story over and over again just before bed. I have tried this and although I don’t get the ending I write, most of the dreams are less disturbing and violent than they were when I first started having them.

Do try this. It may help a little.

I agree with KIP that your brain is detoxing. As I have found, from experience, this is a kind of progression. I didn’t have nightmares about my abusers until several months after I left them, because my mind needed to be in a safe place before releasing subsconscious emotions and fears. Now I am at stage two- taming the dreams.

Good luck. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna and Serenity,

Your perceptions and experiences are helping me to accept the fact that this is all very real. Thank you.

These individuals are two peas in a pod and their hovering, or, should I say, ‘hoovering’ around me is really exhausting. My boss calls such people ‘mood hoovers’ because they can suck all the positivity out of a room.

At this point in time I just want to give up and move out of town. There comes a point when it’s not actually worth sticking up for what is right and what I am entitled to, i.e. living in peace in my own city. These people draw their energy fromand get kicks out of intimidating me. They have a mentality not shared by normal people, so there is no moral reasoning in which to frame their thinking.

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna,

I can get support from our Head of Security, but I will need to do this through my line manager, which shouldn’t be a problem.

*However*, the big problem that I face is potentially significant repercussions. My ex-stepchild, who is the key person here, and ex-husband egg each other on. I got told off by my husband when I asked for my possessions to be locked up, because my stepchild was damaging them. My husband told me that I should not be so silly because it would make my stepchild feel that they weren’t being trusted (well obviously I didn’t trust them!). When I left home because the abuse was becoming too bad, my husband accused me of playing games and messing with my stepchild’s head, because apparently they felt that I was their ‘good friend’ and couldn’t understand why I suddenly wasn’t coming home anymore. If I tell an outside authority about the abuse and my stepchild is interviewed about this, both they and their father will hit the roof. I will hear nothing for days or maybe weeks and then they’ll exact their revenge at a time of their choosing.

In reality, I will either have to live in fear that they might harm me, or live with the assurance that if I take this forward they will definitely harm me.

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Betterdays,

It is good that you are pressing on and will not accept that the majority is right, which isn’t always the case.

Concentrate on those with whom you have relationships of mutual respect. I felt a little like you, but the family surrounding me was the nightmare that I married into and I have no family in the UK. I honestly thought that it was me who was the problem, but then I stood back, realised this was not so and stood up for myself.

It sounds weird but where and when you find your piece of personal space and peace of mind, you will see that being without those who drag you down is a release and you will find a more natural support structure forming.

Keep strong and remain true and kind to yourself.

All the very best

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Jennaflorie,

The person is not my ex-husband but a relation who abused me with my ex. This relation wanted to destroy my life, isolate me from my friends and generally send me insane via serious gaslighting and other psychological abuse.

They are edging nearer, with running text commentaries from my ex.

I think both want to see me destroyed because I said ‘no’ to further abuse and walked out on them, which- with them being (self-appointed) pillars of the community- would have been humiliating.

Despite severe trauma,I have ‘come through’ enough to land myself a high-level position at a relatively young age. This was no easy catch and took a great deal of hard work and focus. I didn’t do this for vanity or ambition, rather knew I had to push myself because I have no family in the UK to support me and I have to look after myself financially. But, the abuser I am talking about will detest this fact. They hated me for succeeding at much smaller activities. They have also never been able to stick to any job or long-term commitment, so my overcoming their efforts to throw me off-course and control me will grate. And that is why I am terrified. They are a psychopath but they act like butter wouldn’t melt, and they appear delicate and vulnerable.

L x

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and views.

I think I will let them unravel themselves. My parents have spotted their inconsistencies and I hope others around them will, too. Both of them said (and continue to say) things and then deny what they have said later. They made up accounts of reality and confused me to make me go around the bend; but they got fed up when I clearly knew that it was not I who was mad.

My stepchild even claimed to have PTSD and said that they were ‘very vulnerable’ and that I needed to limit my conversation topics i.e. not talk about food, sport or clothing… or even mention my shoe size, otherwise I’d ‘trigger’ them (in the end all I could talk about comfortably was the domestic pets), but they completely contradicted themselves by saying that they ‘slept like a log every night’ and had ‘never had panic attacks’ on me bringing up the subject of trauma. Dissociation and panic attacks would only ever come on when they didn’t want to to do something or didn’t like what was being cooked that night. I never thought that my feet, my sports kit or my vegetables were so scary.

Ah, the drama and the lies. If I didn’t think it were a waste of thought processes I would write a drama about my experiences. With our combined experiences we’d have an interesting array of cast characters.

I’m so glad to see the strength in all of you, in overcoming harm from people who have hurt you.

Be well and kindest wishes

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

It’s so wonderful to hear that animal friends have brought you such reassurance and companionship through difficult times. Dogs and cats are very good at sensing moods; they know when to comfort you and they also know how to make humans laugh.

Kip, do get a dog. This dog will be his or her own character and you will bond with them in a unique way, just like you would bond with a new friend. There may be moments when you will worry about your dog. However, remember that your ex will not be there to harm him/ her and that you were the one who gave your four-legged companion love and care.

I had two funny little cats when I lived in ‘that place’ (I can hardly call the place I lived with my abusers ‘home’). They were always on hand for a cuddle and did a great deal to stop me losing my sense of self and my sanity.

Serenity, my ex did a similar thing when I left him. He would text me updates on my cats and say that they were missing me, and he would text me when they were ill. For a year he used them to get me to come back to visit and as a way of hooking me into staying in touch. I got wise to this and although I miss my cats, I am not falling for this game anymore.

My stepchild tried to claim my feisty ex-stray as theirs, monopolising her and taking lots of selfies to show how friendly she was, i.e. trying to tell me that the cat preferred them over me. Soon after I left that place for good, my husband said that the cat attacked my stepchild ‘unprovoked’. Animals are not stupid, this one didn’t stand for nonsense either!

Wishing you peace and furriness (!)

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Lisa,

Many thanks for the advice and the affirmations.

Unfortunately, I am dealing with two obsessive personalities, who are twisted in different ways.

I have a soon-to-be ex who can’t seem to let go and thinks that, just because we do not yet have a decree absolute in place, he has the right to send me texts and check up on me because I am still his wife by law. I was invited to meet with the police a while ago, but as the texts do not appear to be malicious they said he was probably just lonely and they could do very little.

Recently, my stepchild convinced their mother (my ex’s first wife) that they were begging for my forgiveness and pining in self-hatred for abusing me. Foolishly I replied. Soon after I replied to their mum to pass on a message of forgiveness they decided to do something that may see us being in very close proximity on a day to day basis.

I feel such an idiot for falling for their games. They know that my belief system encourages forgiveness, so they have a clever way of manipulating me. They are so sick and cruel. No contact with them and with all family members is really the only way forward.

[Lilycat]

No contact is hard. It’s almost better the devil you know.

I am now non-contact with my ex and ex-stepchild. I have only been in contact to moderate their behaviour and abate them, so they don’t do anything bad. But it seems that they are closing in on me and want to harm me regardless; and they view every communication as an invitation to engage even if I say ‘NO’.

It’s so hard not to contact them as I then don’t know what their next moves are.

Good luck everyone who is trying to cut ties. It’s tough.

[Lilycat]

Hi Better Days,

It’s utterly shameful how parents abandon their own children. It is a sign of their irresponsibility and lack of care for others. But something from my own experience of my ex not caring about me when his offspring abused me is that he was unable to care and take responsibility, and any caring he did was not love.

Your son is lucky to have your love and that bond is so much more healthy than having to face someone else’s destructive and malign behaviour.

Wishing you strength and peace

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Serenity and Saving Myself,

I cannot go into much detail with the workplace situation, as if my abusers are looking at this forum they might be able to identify me. It is enough to say that my employer is a large organisation spread throughout my city. However, by being ‘in the net’ my ex-stepchild will have access to many of the physical spaces in which I work, to which they were not previously privy as an outsider.

HR and my boss have been informed about the extended abuse history and the personality traits of this person. They are sympathetic and will work with me to ensure that I am not left wide open to abuse and threats. I am also going to tell them about the latest in copycat appearances. But I think they get the drift that this individual is sick and twisted. They are also asking for medical and therapist reports as evidence of the nature and seriousness of the trauma. They cannot restrict the individual’s access, as there might be legal implications were my stepchild to ask why they are being singled out- freedom of information et al, so we can’t go down this route. However, there are areas of our organisation that are strictly limited to those with very specific security clearance, so I have some safe spaces left. From this week I will be carrying a mobile phone on my person. depending on whether I get permission to upload the Security Department number the phone will have the Hollyguard app.

I am going to change my number, but want to do so after all of the divorce proceedings are finalised. If I change it now, my (soon to be) ex will only write or try to come around in person or play up in some other way. It is clear from ignoring text upon text that I do not want to contact him and do not want contact from him. He doesn’t take the hint and has written to me a few times and even sent me gifts. Telling him that I don’t want contact does nothing. When I put my foot down, he gets nasty and tries to manipulate me in even more devious ways.

Thanks to you both for you words of encouragement- they mean a lot.

Take care

Lilycat xx

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